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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

345 replies

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 20:55

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

OP posts:
MyriadeOfThings · 18/07/2021 07:57

@UniversalAunt well it looks like the DH has plenty of time for his own hobby (out allready this am).
The OP has lived through covid too and is dealing with some big family problems. What has her DH done to support her I wonder….

If her DH had issues with her time commitment, I would expect him to SPEAK to her about it. Not putting her down, making side comments, being sulky and undermining her. That’s the behaviour of a teenager, not an adult.

5lilducks · 18/07/2021 08:02

I am sorry this has happened to you OP, but if it were me I think I would no longer involved in the team. I know you enjoy it and it's some kind of an outlet for you but if it were me I would just find something else as an outlet. Teenagers can be weird sometimes, I remember my brother when he was a teenager being embarrassed that he had a little sister and so he didn't want to walk with me. He also didn't want me to study a subject that he was good in because he thought I would steal his thunder. Maybe your daughter wants this to be her thing and feels that you being involved is cramping her style? I would support her in this sport whilst making it clear that shouting at you will not be tolerated in future , but also find another outlet for yourself. Your dh has his own outlet(gym) and I think you need your own.

Templetreebloom · 18/07/2021 08:04

Agree with UniversalAunt
I also think that this is a communication issue.
You didnt know at the time of the conversation that your DD had made a mistake, she had given the other girl incorrect information and was probably mortified about this.
So you were trying to find out what went wrong , she knew, but you didnt listen and the other girl was probably about to disclose to a whole group of people "Bryonys DD told me to do it"
Presuming it wasnt done maliciously then your DD was absolutely mortified and theres her mum, who doesnt have all the info, talking about it but not listening
She exploded in a combination of embarrassment, misplaced anger, remorse and you bore the brunt of it.
No she shouldnt have called you an idiot but stopping and listening to your DD, who was feeling responsible and mortified , would have avoided the whole situation.

One thing jumps out and thats your need to be " right" ( the Ha! before answering is exceptionally irritating )

There is rarely a right or wrong in these types of communication issues as you are both coming from a place where you have different information and so respond accordingly.

ssd · 18/07/2021 08:05

Hmmmm. Getting mixed vibes from you op and none of them very good.
Other posters telling you what you want to hear.

Would be interesting to hear your husband and daughters take on it all.
Quite different to what we are reading here i can imagine.

Bridezillamaybe · 18/07/2021 08:08

Oh OP, I've just read the full thread. You poor thing. Well done for organising it all. You are bang on the money that your daughter was panicking if she gave the other girl the wrong instructions and subsequently caused her to be eliminated.

But that's dealt with (DD's rudeness).

Your husband's carry-on is a whole other story. I think you should give that a good bit of space and time till it comes out what is really the problem. You say he's a decent bloke so hopefully he cools down and comes to talk to you.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 08:08

@ssd

Hmmmm. Getting mixed vibes from you op and none of them very good. Other posters telling you what you want to hear.

Would be interesting to hear your husband and daughters take on it all.
Quite different to what we are reading here i can imagine.

Classic Mumsnet AIBU response!
OP posts:
Needapoodle · 18/07/2021 08:10

That girl should be out of bed and going to do the horses with you!!!!!!!!! I know you might not want to be around her till you've spoken about it, but talking about it over poo picking the field might be a great time to do it - you're not face to face with her then, if she's embarrassed about her outburst then it may be easier to approach it while you're working alongside each other.

But regardless of that - if she wants the fun of competing she needs to be looking after the horses too!!!

Needapoodle · 18/07/2021 08:11

And no wonder your feelings are very hurt but don't let your husband ruin something you enjoy. Your dd had a bad day and had an outburst. She's 15 and hormonal. She needs to apologise to you and move on.

Do you fancy competing yourself? You've got two horses, you could compete too.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 08:12

[quote MyriadeOfThings]@UniversalAunt well it looks like the DH has plenty of time for his own hobby (out allready this am).
The OP has lived through covid too and is dealing with some big family problems. What has her DH done to support her I wonder….

If her DH had issues with her time commitment, I would expect him to SPEAK to her about it. Not putting her down, making side comments, being sulky and undermining her. That’s the behaviour of a teenager, not an adult.[/quote]
Yes. He's been fking childish about this whole thing. I do occasionally check with him if he actually wants to come or get involved at all but he says he does, so not much else I can do. He does a lot of the grooming and if I'm being really honest he loves the fact that all the mums think he's amazing as their dhs don't come (sensible!!)

OP posts:
ssd · 18/07/2021 08:12

@Bryonyshcmyony, classic non answer.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 08:12

@Needapoodle

That girl should be out of bed and going to do the horses with you!!!!!!!!! I know you might not want to be around her till you've spoken about it, but talking about it over poo picking the field might be a great time to do it - you're not face to face with her then, if she's embarrassed about her outburst then it may be easier to approach it while you're working alongside each other.

But regardless of that - if she wants the fun of competing she needs to be looking after the horses too!!!

To be fair she does loads of the work herself normally.
OP posts:
Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 08:13

@Needapoodle

And no wonder your feelings are very hurt but don't let your husband ruin something you enjoy. Your dd had a bad day and had an outburst. She's 15 and hormonal. She needs to apologise to you and move on.

Do you fancy competing yourself? You've got two horses, you could compete too.

Yes I'm having lessons and hopefully one day might do something very low level.
OP posts:
Roystonv · 18/07/2021 08:20

Just wanted to say that without Mum's (and Dad's) such as you so many sports, activities, learning opportunities would be non existent and that nowadays with all the legal child safety requirements on top of activity rules it is a real commitment. Well done to you for making this event possible for 8 children; a fantastic achievement and I am so sorry it had such a sad ending. I cannot see you at fault in anything you have said or done so don't give up what you enjoy or on expecting an apology from dd and Dh. The first apology relatively easy - kids eh!, the second comes with more baggage and I do hope you can get some explanation/sense out of him. Sounds like he used this opportunity to express some long running dissatisfaction so an explosion waiting to happen that this upset gave fuel to. You are obviously appreciated by others. Bless you and hope it all works out.

Terhou · 18/07/2021 08:20

The OP didn't once in all her posts talk about how she supported her DD in this situation (mother) but she went at length (organiser) dissecting the course of events of the several races of the different girls.

Where do you get this from, @TheAussieProject? The issue seems to have been that OP was talking to one girl about one incident so that she could clarify it with the organiser.

cherrytree63 · 18/07/2021 08:24

I'm just really curious about what advice your daughter gave that got the other girl eliminated.
The only times I've been eliminated is when my horse bolted out of the arena and couldn't complete my dressage test, or the usual 3 refusals.
If it was a tack rule error was it not picked up by a steward?

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 08:25

@Roystonv

Just wanted to say that without Mum's (and Dad's) such as you so many sports, activities, learning opportunities would be non existent and that nowadays with all the legal child safety requirements on top of activity rules it is a real commitment. Well done to you for making this event possible for 8 children; a fantastic achievement and I am so sorry it had such a sad ending. I cannot see you at fault in anything you have said or done so don't give up what you enjoy or on expecting an apology from dd and Dh. The first apology relatively easy - kids eh!, the second comes with more baggage and I do hope you can get some explanation/sense out of him. Sounds like he used this opportunity to express some long running dissatisfaction so an explosion waiting to happen that this upset gave fuel to. You are obviously appreciated by others. Bless you and hope it all works out.
Thank you so much. It is a big commitment, I've done and paid for safeguarding course, had my DBS checks done, done a first aid course, learned how to do risk assessments. Pored over the rules, talked to the parents about their kids and how they are getting on, given advice after advice about which competitions to do etc (all of which I take pains to say they can ignore!) Some of the kids did really well yesterday and all had good things to take away from it (even dd!)
OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 18/07/2021 08:26

shouting over me and interrupting and calling me an idiot in front of other kids and parents is totally unacceptable

Quite. No child of mine would do this and live to ride another day. A month of mucking out is definitely in order!

As for your 'D'H, you'll have to have it out with him one day soon, but not today. Let him stew in his own juices.

Today, please do something for yourself. Just yourself. It is outrageous that you are left without funds for even the most basic grooming. You seem to spend your life grooming your daughter's horses, so you deserve some grooming yourself Wink.

Sod them. Both of them. Today is your 'I matter day'. Go out and buy yourself some nice clothes. And make a hair appointment.

Because you are so worth it Flowers

Terhou · 18/07/2021 08:27

OP, I'm rather glad you called your husband a fucking prick - too often in these threads people get away with bad behaviour and don't get called out on it. I guess you need a calm conversation in which you explain that you didn't criticise your daughter, and therefore his assumption that you did was massively uncalled for and unhelpful; and that if the issue is you spending time on helping your daughter's team, then he needs to think about the time he spends in the gym. Maybe a discussion about the childishness of sulking wouldn't hurt either.

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 08:28

@cherrytree63

I'm just really curious about what advice your daughter gave that got the other girl eliminated. The only times I've been eliminated is when my horse bolted out of the arena and couldn't complete my dressage test, or the usual 3 refusals. If it was a tack rule error was it not picked up by a steward?
There were alternative fences you could take on the Cross Country course and unbeknownst to me she had thought one was for a particular fence (it was next to it) and told her friend that was the alternative. It wasn't, it was for a different fence. So the girl jumped it instead of the correct fence and that's how she got eliminated
OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 18/07/2021 08:33

Parents are not allowed to speak to judges. Only one person from a team /club is allowed to clarify anything with the judges and if the team coach is not present, that has to be the organiser. It sounds as if OP (in her role as organiser, not parent) was the only person from the club allowed to speak to the judges. This is quite normal. It would be chaos if every parent was allowed to speak to the judges. It is perfectly acceptable for the designated organiser to clarify scores with the judges after making sure the correct query is communicated from the competitor.
I have done this many times and have picked up incorrect scoring/useful advice from judges several times.

Daisydoesnt · 18/07/2021 08:38

OP if this was Pony Club regionals, then presumably you wouldn’t be needed to organise a team until next year anyway?

And I’d definitely be leaving your daughter to do everything with the horses today - she doesn’t get a lie in while you do the graft after being so rude!

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 08:39

Yes exactly @endofthelinefinally

I need to speak to dd about the incorrect advice she gave as well at some point. She got very bratty when we were looking at the jumps and wouldn't listen to anything I said or concentrate at all. I think she got a bit high on her own supply, and because of that she ended up giving incorrect advice. She's started doing this (being an insufferable know it all!!), and quite often ends up making mistakes which is fine if it only affects you but quite another thing if it affects others.

OP posts:
stupidstupider · 18/07/2021 08:39

Pretty specific, but was it fence 11 at Northallerton?

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 08:39

@Daisydoesnt

OP if this was Pony Club regionals, then presumably you wouldn’t be needed to organise a team until next year anyway?

And I’d definitely be leaving your daughter to do everything with the horses today - she doesn’t get a lie in while you do the graft after being so rude!

No but there are other local events they want me to take on the seniors basically
OP posts:
Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 08:40

@stupidstupider

Pretty specific, but was it fence 11 at Northallerton?
No! Too outing to say where!
OP posts: