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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

345 replies

Bryonyshcmyony · 17/07/2021 20:55

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/07/2021 09:51

@Bryonyshcmyony

So at the moment dh and dd haven't spoken to me at all this morning other than to ask if I'd done the horses. It's going to be a long day. I think I might go out somewhere by myself.
Wow!

What disgusting behaviour.

So your daughter knew what had happened but so did the girl she was talking to!

What a shame that the girl took notice of her-she must be furious!

Does your daughter have two horses?

If so is that necessary?

I think that you absolutely should go out by yourself.

Plus keep organising if you want to!

diddl · 18/07/2021 09:52

@Bryonyshcmyony

And as if by magic - a friend has messaged to ask us round for a coffee and I'm going on my own. Perfect. I think she was a bit taken aback at the speed of my reply 😂
Enjoy!

Any chance of lunch out as well??!!

Templetreebloom · 18/07/2021 09:53

@Bryonyshcmyony

I don't know whether to go somewhere with my other dcs when they finally emerge or whether that would be a bit spiteful (deliberately not taking dd). I quite fancy a couple of hours on my own. Just trying to think of something to do.
Why dont you go and apologise for not listening and calling your DH a fucking prick and take it from there? Then ask your DD to apologise for calling you an idiot. You called your DH a fucking prick, why is that ok and your DD calling you an idiot not ok? Discuss why it went wrong -i.e you didnt know she had given the other girl incorrect advice . You seem to be purposefully ignoring what Ive said to keep this right/ wrong dynamic going. Now you want to keep the victim role. Its not going to end well OP. Miscommunication was the cause and communication will resolve this.
bigbaggyeyes · 18/07/2021 10:04

And as if by magic - a friend has messaged to ask us round for a coffee and I'm going on my own. Perfect. I think she was a bit taken aback at the speed of my reply 😂

That's great news. Enjoy your day

CharityDingle · 18/07/2021 10:08

Thank you so much. It is a big commitment, I've done and paid for safeguarding course, had my DBS checks done, done a first aid course, learned how to do risk assessments. Pored over the rules, talked to the parents about their kids and how they are getting on, given advice after advice about which competitions to do etc (all of which I take pains to say they can ignore!) Some of the kids did really well yesterday and all had good things to take away from it (even dd!)

It is a big commitment and well done, for doing all of that. I have genuine admiration for people who volunteer their services to sports of various kinds. Not an easy task.
Don't jump the gun just yet about giving it up. Decide if YOU want to continue or not. And enjoy that cuppa Brew

Iheartbaby · 18/07/2021 10:08

I get the impression that the op is very over dramatic and very poor me

Knittedfairies · 18/07/2021 10:14

Enjoy your coffee OP; leave them to it.

Terhou · 18/07/2021 10:21

If your daughter regularly uses the horses, it's definitely time for her to step up and take some responsibility for their care.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 18/07/2021 10:23

I'd go back after coffee and ask very calmly in front of DH 'What present do you think Friend should have as an apology for telling her the wrong jump to go over? You and your father could order something online and deliver it personally'.

And if either of them launched into another attack, a mild 'I'm sorry it hadn't occurred to me at the time that DD was shouting because she wanted to admit her fault and apologise in front of everybody else for causing Friend's disqualification - I thought DD had listened as she was so confident at the time that she knew everything and was sure to win'.

And if it still carries on 'Getting so angry sounds almost as though you deliberately sent her the wrong way and was trying to cover it up by shouting at me, but I'm sure you wouldn't have done that'.

But I would look into leaving DB to sort out his own shit. You can't fix an alcoholic by protecting them from the consequences of their own behaviour, as that just makes it easier for them to continue as they are. That takes out a large part of your stress straight away, as you're no longer trying to influence something you actually have zero control over.

Throckmorton · 18/07/2021 10:26

God they are being dicks! If you enjoy the team stuff then I would carry on with that - is there a team without DD on it that needs a helper? Given DHs attitude I would increase time spent on your hobbies. Unless he has an attitude change, would you actually want to stay with him? Hugs

BillyWhozz · 18/07/2021 10:30

@Bryonyshcmyony

Yes exactly *@endofthelinefinally*

I need to speak to dd about the incorrect advice she gave as well at some point. She got very bratty when we were looking at the jumps and wouldn't listen to anything I said or concentrate at all. I think she got a bit high on her own supply, and because of that she ended up giving incorrect advice. She's started doing this (being an insufferable know it all!!), and quite often ends up making mistakes which is fine if it only affects you but quite another thing if it affects others.

Whilst it's only a minor point, she doesn't have to listen to your advice on things like that. She's the one competing and unless your capacity is as a coach/trainer then you're coming across as a bit smothering.
zazasabore · 18/07/2021 10:31

Well I feel really sorry for you OP - enjoy your time with your friend. 'How sharper than a serpents tooth it is to have a thankless child.....' applies in this case I think!

rainbowstardrops · 18/07/2021 10:33

I think your DD was obviously upset about not winning and also felt guilty and embarrassed about her mistake and it was 15 year old bravado. Your DH however, has no excuse for being a dick.
Go for coffee and leave them to it.

TatianaBis · 18/07/2021 10:33

Where is all this going OP? You’re making huge sacrifices for what?

Unless you have serious money - there’s no career for your DD in horses - other than teaching or running a stables. And having her own horse at this age isn’t necessarily optimal as she only learns to ride that one, whereas others learn to be able to ride anything.

endofthelinefinally · 18/07/2021 10:35

@TatianaBis

Where is all this going OP? You’re making huge sacrifices for what?

Unless you have serious money - there’s no career for your DD in horses - other than teaching or running a stables. And having her own horse at this age isn’t necessarily optimal as she only learns to ride that one, whereas others learn to be able to ride anything.

I agree with this.
CraftyYankee · 18/07/2021 10:38

THEY asked YOU if you had sorted the horses? Your daughter's horses? That's some cheek.

Your daughter needs some home truths about the privilege she's abusing here, having her horses and full time staff (you) to care for them. No wonder she's acting like a princess, she's living like one.

You haven't said what the prior incident with your DH was, but did it also involve a situation where your attention was elsewhere and not focused on facilitating the family? Interfering with his ability to do as he likes?

Enjoy your coffee with a friend.

LizzieW1969 · 18/07/2021 10:39

Yes. But AIBU is often about giving OPs a good kicking and lack of knowledge doesn't stop people intent on having a go!

^Totally. And then, when the OP does give a perfectly reasonable answer, they don’t accept that and say that they wonder whether there’s another side to the story.

There are some very rude comments on this thread, which the OP is doing well not to respond to in like manner.

However you look at it, the OP’s DH’s behaviour is out of order, especially giving the OP the silent treatment this morning. That’s a very bad example to their DD. Hmm

cooldarkroom · 18/07/2021 10:39

Apart from your sulking husband, who needs a decent talk, asking what his problem is, & will sulking resolve it?

I think you should consider what you would do if another child had spoken to you in that way ? some kind of sanction.

I think you should step right back from looking after her horses & tell her she can do it herself as she is behaving like an obnoxious brat, & also caused her friend to be eliminated by her cocky attitude & she should apologize profusely to her & her mother. & wind her neck in & listen rather than mouth off & get things wrong, be rude & embarrassing both you & herself.

let them sulk, stay out as long as you want, until this evening, a whole week, they are both undermining you & making you unhappy where you have spent a lot of time & energy on this activity. They have hurt you & you matter too

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/07/2021 10:40

It's probably not that relevant now, but why was the other girl listening to "advice" from your dd anyway? They should all have been properly and clearly advised on the rules / alternatives from the off, not left to argue it out amongst themselves.
Your dd is obviously very embarrassed that she got it so wrong, but surely both girls were failed by somebody?

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 10:42

@TatianaBis

Where is all this going OP? You’re making huge sacrifices for what?

Unless you have serious money - there’s no career for your DD in horses - other than teaching or running a stables. And having her own horse at this age isn’t necessarily optimal as she only learns to ride that one, whereas others learn to be able to ride anything.

She has no desire to make a career in it.

Where is it going? You could ask any teenager who is very committed to a sport that question surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 10:54

So dd came into my room while I was getting ready to go out, apologised, cried, she's started her period today although got irritated when I suggested that might have been one of the reasons she was difficult yesterday and we had a little cuddle. Turns out that the tipping point was after the cross country she was so proud of her horse jumping clear and I wasn't there as I was watching the rest of the team jump round.

She also didn't realise why her friend got eliminated so wasn't trying to cover that up, she had another thought (which was wrong). She feels terrible about giving the wrong info.

She doesn't want me to manage a team that she is going to be on. I've been asked in the past to manage the younger teams and I might suggest I do that instead although that will be even more of a commitment as then I'll have to go to other competitions as well as hers. Dd has suggested she'd love to help with the younger teams 🤔

I'm off out now to my friends. I am really thankful for all the support and advice on here. Dh is another matter and that might take longer to resolve

OP posts:
TillyTopper · 18/07/2021 11:01

I think YABU and handled it badly. Your DD didn't do that well, she probably knew that and felt very sore about it. There is a time and a place to go over performance and what happened etc, in front of her friends just after the event is not it. I think you need to be more sensitive to her, and others. Sorry OP!

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 11:04

@TillyTopper

I think YABU and handled it badly. Your DD didn't do that well, she probably knew that and felt very sore about it. There is a time and a place to go over performance and what happened etc, in front of her friends just after the event is not it. I think you need to be more sensitive to her, and others. Sorry OP!
Why is it that some posters think this is what happened?
OP posts:
Newestname001 · 18/07/2021 11:04

@Bryonyshcmyony

And as if by magic - a friend has messaged to ask us round for a coffee and I'm going on my own. Perfect. I think she was a bit taken aback at the speed of my reply 😂

Hurrah @Bryonyshcmyony - what a timely invitation! Enjoy time with your friend, de stress, have fun and shelve all the irritations in your life for a short while. ☕️ 🍰 🌹

Original poster
Bryonyshcmyony · 18/07/2021 11:05

My friend won't know what has hit her 😂

OP posts: