Page 15 | If your DH is now WFH, does he expect you to now make him lunch every day?

mintginger · 2021-07-17T19:54:33+00:00

Just wondering what people do really (particularly if you are SAH yourself). YABU - yes, you should make him lunch. YANBU - no, leave him to it and go out and about on your business. Thanks!

skippink · 19/07/2021 07:52

If this was me then yes I would,I have always made my husbands breakfast,dinner and tea

MahMahMahMahCorona · 19/07/2021 07:57

He WFH during the entirety of our marriage and expected lunch and dinner to be on his desk at the appointed hours.

I thought this was normal. When I realised it wasn't, I chucked him out and we are now very happily divorced (and he will not / cannot communicate civilly so dragged me and the DC through family court for three precious years I'll never get back).

I digress. Not anymore.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 19/07/2021 09:05

DH working from home in the garden cabin. I'm a SAHM. He makes great salads and we are both dieting at the moment so he comes in at lunchtime and makes us both a salad. If he's busy I do him some soup.

idontlikealdi · 19/07/2021 09:09

No way, breakfast and lunch they fend for themselves

Original poster

mintginger · 19/07/2021 09:56

Just catching up. Over 1,600 votes and it seems I am 89% reasonable

I think part of my problem is that I’m dealing with an inherited situation, in a sense, because when we visit his relatives abroad, it’s a whole other level. I am not the kind of person who likes to plan the day around mealtimes, but over there, what you could call the more ‘matriarch’ women literally base themselves in the kitchen all day. Of course the men are served all food and drinks (definitely the older ones anyway). But the way it seems to me is that the women actually control everyone and everything through a good schedule / agenda. So breakfast is a drawn out process. Before that’s even cleared away, they are planning lunch. If you want to go out, you have to account for how long you will be home for and what you will eat and where. It does my head in to be honest, but they do mean well. DH definitely finds it all too much as well. He never expected me to be like that at all - he’s much rather I was out and about and prioritising the kids. But still, for whatever reason, the cooking has always fallen to me, simply because I have more time and I’m obviously cooking for the family anyway. I’m fine with that when it’s breakfast and dinner - he was often away on business anyway - but I don’t want to feel as if I need to factor in his lunch to my day. Because I will end up like his aunts! This is my fear (lovely though they are).

OP posts:

Original poster

mintginger · 19/07/2021 09:57

food schedule, not ‘good’

OP posts:

MarchingOnTogether · 19/07/2021 10:05

Luckily mine works at a swimming pool so working from home not really an option!!
But if he's busy on his days off, say doing the garden or decorating and I'm downstairs with the little ones I'll.offer to.do his lunch. He either gets what they are having or something quick that I can do at the same time. He wouldn't expect it though, he's perfectly capable of sorting his own and does if I'm too busy or he wants something different

WhatAFlaminGalah · 19/07/2021 10:31

If I’m making myself a sandwich for lunch then it isn’t much effort to make another for him too but would I go out of my way or come home to make him lunch? No. He’s not a toddler and is perfectly capable of buttering some bread and putting ham in it.

Sometimes I fancy pasta salad for lunch so I’ll make enough for two, pop some in a tupperware tub and tell him it’s in the fridge. If he doesn’t eat it then that’s my lunch sorted for tomorrow, no biggie.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 19/07/2021 10:47

I think part of my problem is that I’m dealing with an inherited situation, in a sense, because when we visit his relatives abroad, it’s a whole other level. I am not the kind of person who likes to plan the day around mealtimes, but over there, what you could call the more ‘matriarch’ women literally base themselves in the kitchen all day. Of course the men are served all food and drinks (definitely the older ones anyway). But the way it seems to me is that the women actually control everyone and everything through a good schedule / agenda. So breakfast is a drawn out process. Before that’s even cleared away, they are planning lunch. If you want to go out, you have to account for how long you will be home for and what you will eat and where. It does my head in to be honest, but they do mean well. DH definitely finds it all too much as well. He never expected me to be like that at all - he’s much rather I was out and about and prioritising the kids. But still, for whatever reason, the cooking has always fallen to me, simply because I have more time and I’m obviously cooking for the family anyway. I’m fine with that when it’s breakfast and dinner - he was often away on business anyway - but I don’t want to feel as if I need to factor in his lunch to my day. Because I will end up like his aunts! This is my fear (lovely though they are).

So can you talk all this through with DH? This is the kind of conflict of unspoken expectations that DH and I would try to talk about and resolve. All the cooking may have "fallen to you" up to this point but now it isn't working for lunchtimes. You could still do breakfasts and dinners but you both need to agree a different system for lunchtimes.

Original poster

mintginger · 19/07/2021 11:48

I can always try Amaryllis - and I will.

OP posts:

DoItAfraid · 19/07/2021 12:26

@LadyCatStark

Yup 🙄 and I’m working from home too. He also asks me every time he wants a brew or anything and doesn’t seem to get the message that I’m not his PA. Of course his job is far more ‘important’ than mine as he’s a manager.

I am a Manager and have the misfortune of being married to a Partner so it is still me who is the default person to make his lunch because he can't possibly leave his ever so important call (as if I can leave mine?! I am the most junior person on the call).

This attitude (amongst other similarly infuriating behaviours) are why I am in touch with a divorce lawyer.

The sheer arrogance of it.

LiJo2015 · 19/07/2021 12:37

No expectation but I do it because I'm a SAHM and I see that as my role. If we're out then he'd make his own lunch but I try and make sure there's stuff in for him to prepare himself something. Sometimes when I'm making DS lunch ill make his (and mine if I'm home the next day).

I like his company so I call him when it's time for lunch and we see an hour or so together.

I'll miss him when he's back in the office.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 19/07/2021 12:37

@mintginger

I think he expects it because he’s very busy and I’m at home. So he thinks I should be happy to help him out and make his time more efficient.

I'm very busy. I live on my own. If I want to eat, I make it myself.

I'd be out every lunchtime, OP.

Original poster

mintginger · 19/07/2021 13:00

DoItAfraid - sorry to hear you’re considering divorce proceedings.

My husband has been away this weekend (back tonight) and it has made me realise how his food requirements take up and structure my time. As a result, when I’m on my own I just can’t be bothered cooking at all. This weekend has been cereal and Deliveroo

I’m not saying he does nothing for me because obviously he does snd I’m very grateful for everything but... blimey.

OP posts:

MyriadeOfThings · 19/07/2021 13:11

@mintginger

DoItAfraid - sorry to hear you’re considering divorce proceedings.

My husband has been away this weekend (back tonight) and it has made me realise how his food requirements take up and structure my time. As a result, when I’m on my own I just can’t be bothered cooking at all. This weekend has been cereal and Deliveroo

I’m not saying he does nothing for me because obviously he does snd I’m very grateful for everything but... blimey.

You know I would tell him exactly what you have said there.

I have found that sometimes my DH just doesn't 'see' what shouod be really obvious and needs to be told.
Eg DH was surprised when I mentioned that him wfh means I can't have friends round at all (WE not possible for various reasons). Or that the teen dcs can't have their friends round. Despite the fact he is working from the living room and there is no escape from 'his office' apart from the bedrooms, he never thought about it .

You might also want to establish boundaries there on what you are or not happy to do regardling meals in general. And let your DH know.

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2021 13:24

@Yourcatisnotsorry

When both of you are home together I’d expect one asks the other if they’d like lunch? My OH often emails me to say it’s ready and brings me coffee.

But clearly, the OP's husband never offers...

DoItAfraid · 19/07/2021 16:36

@MissChanandlerBong22

I actually had a big fall out with my DH when we were both WFH because somehow I always ended up making lunch for us both. It was partly because I was working at the dining table in the kitchen diner and he had shut himself in the study. We got into a pattern where he’d appear from the study, eat whatever I’d made for us both, and slip off back to the study again leaving me to clear up the mess (if I wanted a clean space to work).

I told him that unless he’d like me to quit my job and spend my days cooking for him and cleaning up after him then it needed to change, and to be fair to him it did. And we rotate working in the dining room/study now.

This is almost my exact situation except we don't have a study - he is in the garden office. Also because I am in the kitchen / living area of course that is where the kids are so not only am I the default to feed them but also the default to help with any homework queries, Lego squabbles. He just rolls in for meals like it's a restaurant. It's infuriating. And breathe.

violetbunny · 20/07/2021 09:37

Why would his food requirements impact you over the weekend? Surely he sorts out his own high needs food requirements on the days he's not working?

Even servants get days off. Just saying.

NiceGerbil · 20/07/2021 15:02

OP channel zammo and just say no!

AryaStarkWolf · 20/07/2021 15:06

I mean I would if i wasn't working and I was making lunch anyway but I wouldn't stick around just to make his lunch and if we were both wfh obviously either make your own or take turns

PeachyPeachTrees · 20/07/2021 20:02

Me and DH are both WFH, him FT and me PT. I make lunch everyday for both of us. If I go out at lunch time and eat out, then I don't leave him a lunch, he has to do it himself.

Mreggsworth · 20/07/2021 22:06

We both wfh

I cook his lunch. I am on a diet and hes trying to gain weight, I eat vicariously through his significantly more yummy than mine meals. 2 times a week he will walk to a cafe and pick us up lunch.

Hes never dictated me to make lunch, but has politely requested and if I'm able to, I do, if not I dont. If I ever feel like its expected or I'm taken for granted then I put him firmly in his place.

Dolores25 · 20/07/2021 22:49

absolutely not!! He’s 100% responsible for his lunch.
Sometimes if I am feeling particularly generous or he’s on a call over lunch and I happen to notice I make him a quick sandwich but he certainly doesn’t expect it.