If your DH is now WFH, does he expect you to now make him lunch every day?

[mintginger]

Just wondering what people do really (particularly if you are SAH yourself).

YABU - yes, you should make him lunch.
YANBU - no, leave him to it and go out and about on your business.

Thanks!

@mintginger

When he had offices, they were in SoHo so he used to eat out or get his PA to get him something. He still does go out for meetings etc some days. Less travel though, obviously due to flight restrictions, which is why I’m feeling it!

To be honest, if I’m here I don’t mind making him lunch. I’m not run off my feet. But I feel it’s now another expectation in my day and I do feel he’s being quite dogmatic about this salad, just because it’s there and he wants me to be using it all the time. He is a quite extreme fitness fanatic as well which I find a bit self-absorbed at times, although good for him, I guess.

Point out that you are his wife, not his PA and he can go back to the office for that service (though why his PA is fetching his lunch I don't know)

@mintginger

I’m in two minds about things like this and this is my problem. I don’t feel overly put-on in general as I have a cleaner in twice a week. But obviously, we are a family of 5 so there is mess in between and I keep on top of that, plus all laundry, beds, shopping, food planning and cooking. The house is over 5 floors and it’s tiring, especially as I think I may have some form of long Covid (but not sure). But to be fair, we do eat out at weekends mainly and the kids are fine. I used to have the days pretty much to myself admittedly, but now he’s around more and when he’s around he is quite demanding to be fair, although he doesn’t think he is at all. Sometimes he will give me lists of tasks and, on these occasions, I do feel like a PA because if the way he communicates. But he just thinks, “this is to be done, take this on board, prioritise this and thanks very much.”

This situation doesn’t sound normal. I sometimes have to remind my dh that I am not his pa as he has a tendency to send me things to do. He used to email me items to print for him or text me to bring him something, even though I was also wfh. I reminded him that I am not in fact his pa and I have my own job to do and he apologised. He genuinely hadn’t realised what he was doing. He slips occasionally but I don’t hesitate to remind him!!

He would also never expect me to prepare his lunch unless I was making something for myself and offered. Not even when I was a sahm.

I would explain to him that you are his wife, not an employee and he can’t just expect you to rearrange your day to cater for him. And if he wants his freshly picked salad he is perfectly capable of preparing it himself. Housewife doesn’t equal slave.

Good god no. We've not made each other lunch in 24 years of being together.

We are both WFH now, but make our own lunches, that's if I bother to have any.

If each other is making a drink, we'll shout through and ask if the other wants one and that's it.

Mon wed Fri he makes mine for me coming home from work. Thursday I'm off so I make his. Tuesday I'm in work all day so take something in and he does his own. Works well.

My partner worked from home for 10+ years and if I was home I would usually make him a sandwich if I was making one. The shoe is on the other foot now and I work from home. He will always offer to make me lunch and usually I say yes but if I want something I want to prepare or if I want an excuse to have a walk about I do it. Swings and roundabouts

I didn’t really want to get into the whole “he pays for your life” nonsense because it’s obviously never that simple But I appreciate some people won’t understand that (or they don’t want to).

He is away this weekend and has two of the DC with him on a certain activity they do. I was talking to a friend (the wife of another man he’s away with) and we were joking about the lunch thing, now they are working from home. I can see from the outside that her husband is quite bossy (and some if the things she has told me confirm this). It got me thinking and that’s why I posted. Of course I’ll make him lunch if he’s busy and I’m here. That’s not the issue. It’s not a big deal in itself. It’s hard to explain, but to be perfectly honest I think this is what it is - anyone who has a workaholic-type husband will know there is nothing much you can do about it and it’s one thing if he does what he does “elsewhere,” but another if this all pays out in the house 24/7. If you have a husband who can be quite demanding, you can cope with this in limited times - eg evenings or whenever he’s home. You find your time or a way to recharge and that’s how it works, I suppose. But when they are suddenly WFH it affects that balance and it’s a readjustment. To the op who asked, yes, the kids are all school age, though they’re obviously home at the moment.

You are his wife not his PA. Complete piss take if you ask me. He is not your boss.

My DH has now retired and I am still working full time, from home at present. He likes us to eat together and I only have a half hour break so yes - if he isn't out at lunchtime I do expect him to get my lunch. And if it was the other way around I would expect to get his lunch. He has all day to do whatever jobs he has on his list for the day (we have discussed and agreed that half the day will be spent on useful house-type jobs, the rest of the time is his to do what he likes with) so if he is around it 's only fair I think. Why wouldn't you make his lunch if you are home and not doing anything else?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

No way!

Here’s my 10 cents. I’m a housewife with a hubby that sounds just like yours. He earns mid 6 figures (I’m converting to pounds) and works about 45 hr week. He’s an executive with a team under him and has an EA etc etc He is pretty much wfh. We only have 1 kid, in school and I don’t work. I don’t have a cleaner - prefer to do myself. But I do school run and do all the day-to-day parenting. School run is tedious - it’s a private school and about a 30 min drive in traffic plus time waiting doing the send off, waiting in car queues etc so about 2.5hrs each day . I cook most days but he likes this meal delivery service sometimes to track his bloody macros. He is pretty health aware and works out everyday.

My hubby wouldn’t expect me to cater his lunches each day. If I was home and making something particularly yummy he will ask if I can make him some. He routinely asks if I can make extra breakfast if I come home from school run and poach some eggs. He is usually busy with calls or reports most of the day so his schedule is all over the place. He will come down when he’s free and make himself a sandwich or he has a meal delivery service he uses and heats that up in the microwave. Very occasionally if he’s back to back with work and not able to get to the kitchen I’ll bring him up some lunch.

If your hubby is that serious about using fresh, homegrown ingredients and you can be bothered you can collect and wash enough salads to last 3 days then make sure he has all the ingredients he needs on hand to make a quick lunch ie sandwich. It’s unreasonable for him to expect a fancy cooked meal for lunch every day.

He sounds like he has a super important, super busy menz job, and he’s now barking orders at you to make his lunch, in place of his PA.
Jeez fuck all of that. He can make his own sandwiches and pick his own Damn lettuce for them. If he’s so busy he can do it the previous evening.

I do know what you mean that things aren’t always simple and it’s difficult to articulate your family dynamic in just a few paragraphs.

When my husband was in lockdown it was stressful. You are so used to your own routine and your personal freedoms (however minute or significant they are) which are scrambled or lost during Covid . There was a teething phase where DH would literally dump all his dishes on the kitchen bench after eating in his office and just not pick up after himself around the house and I did feel put out. You have to think that this won’t last forever and if his expectations are truly unrealistic - communicate with him.

I make my dh s lunches and dinners. My job is cooking and his job is cleaning the house , school runs , grocery shopping, gardening .He is very busy during the day with calls etc so I ll make sure he ll have nice hot lunch. If i cant be bothered or not in a mood to cook something we get lunch from outside. I am part time working and looking after toddler. I dont think so its bad to make something for each other , sharing tasks is easy and it works better as team and you get to choose tasks that you enjoy more. I hate cleaning so i dont have to worry about.
My daughter aged 10 and 8 they have their little duties too.

When we were both working from home dh made more lunches than me, but I made more dinners than him. He always sorts us breakfast.

Granted neither of us were SAHPs but for things like lunch we'd definitely share the task. But we would try and eat at the same time.

@mintginger

Thankyou for the candid responses.

Can I also ask, if you are out in the day, do you feel like it’s your responsibility to leave something in the fridge? Or would you leave him and not think about it at all?

Definitely not! I'm not playing up lunch for a grown adult and leaving it for them for later. Dh is more than capable or making himself a sandwich or nipping to the local shop to buy himself something.

I know what you mean. It makes me cringe to write it but my husband is in a very senior position with a PA and EA (lazy sod...). As a SAHM, it's been a period of adjustment having him at home full time, not only in terms of who does what, but also the roving conference calls round the house. I do all our admin (he hasn't opened a letter for years) and day to day chores, but he does a lot of the running around to all day kids' commitments and we share the cooking and tidying at weekends.

Re the lunch, I think there's different levels of appropriateness. If you're making lunch for yourself and he asks if you'd mind making it for two, that's fair enough. Dictating exactly what's made if it's more than a quick sandwich or bowl of soup is perhaps more of an ask (including an artisan salad..). Expecting you to leave lunch if you're out would be unreasonable to me. My husband prefers to make his own lunch, but I'd offer to stick any meat or fish in the oven for him if he's on calls. I'd have a bit of an issue if his lunch was assumed to be my responsibility every day though,

Thanks for all the advice. I’m very grateful and my head is now clearer going forward.

@Ifitquacks Bloody hell, you’re putting weight on from a too large portion of soup? What’s in it, cream, cheese, milk and butter?

Fresh soups from Sainsbury's with things like chunks of chicken, beans etc. Pretty hearty. Plus a couple of slices of toast, or a large chunk of bread & butter, and a chocolate biscuit (all of which I've since sacked off). About the same calories that we'd have for dinner. His body can take it, mine can't.

Of course he makes his own lunch! Although sometimes if we happen to have lunch together I'll make something for him and sometimes he makes something for me. However if one of us isn't working we'll probably make lunch for the other more often.

I'd probably go as far as to pick a load of it from the garden once a week, wash it and put it in a big Tupperware in the fridge, then he can help himself from there.

I wouldn't be making a full on salad like OPs husband wants. He should find the time to prep either the evening before or in the morning if he's that bothered. If it was time efficient for me to do a lunch I would- but it would be quick and I'd expect him to pick up a household job from me in return as a trade off. My parents are both retired but do their own lunches and always have. Mum occasionally makes something for both of them and she does the shopping because she cares more about food, so she usually just makes sure there's enough stuff he likes or requests and he'll sort himself out.

I WOH, DP WFH but longer hours than me. I meal plan and do more shopping but it's up to him what he actually does for lunch.
If he asks for something specific, we make sure it goes on the shopping. We usually have a batch meal or leftovers in the fridge and I take my lunch in from those so usually just tell him what's there for picking. One day a week we split a quiche so I slice the whole thing up when I do my pack up and tell him it's quiche for lunch but that's as good as it gets. He's more careful not to eat what he knows I planned for myself, if you see what I mean, ditto bought on purpose recipe ingredients. If I tell him not to it, he won't eat it. If he doesn't fancy the fridge pickings, there's toast, instant soup or crumpets - all bought to eat quick. We don't have a microwave so I occasionally leave him a thermos if there's home made soup to use up or I know he would like some but that's because I have more time in the morning and it's easier than him getting stuck on calls and trying to watch a pan. When I wasn't working I used to take charge if we had hot lunch as I had more time to sort it but he's capable and cooks for me quite often, too.

I am better at keeping track of stuff, so if I want something eaten up fast I might suggest he eats it but he has other options and the deliveroo and the domino's app if he's that unhappy with the selection on offer. I'm not offended, we just work out what to do with what didn't get eaten to avoid waste.

I used to have the days pretty much to myself admittedly, but now he’s around more and when he’s around he is quite demanding to be fair, although he doesn’t think he is at all. Sometimes he will give me lists of tasks and, on these occasions, I do feel like a PA because if the way he communicates. But he just thinks, “this is to be done, take this on board, prioritise this and thanks very much

You’re being a doormat OP. I would start charging him for my time if I were you, at his PA’s rates. He’s sounding singularly more and more unpleasant the more you write.

Was never made lunch in first place.

I’m a SAHM and I do generally sort his meals when he’s working from home, sometimes that’s proper cooking and sometimes that’s “shall I put a frozen pizza in and steam us some broccoli to have with it?” though. Occasionally occasionally it’s “[toddler DD] is being a nightmare I think I’m going to order Deliveroo”.

I work out of the house everyday, husband works from home 2-3 days per week, if I’m making myself a sandwich I also make him one and leave in the fridge, it’s not a problem. If I forget to make a sandwich he often does it in the morning as he gets up earlier. It’s fine, give and take. Maybe OP you should suggest he make lunch sometimes. Though to be fair when I was a SAHP I made all the sandwiches and did all the cooking (exh worked long hours plus call out jobs), that was my choice though, not because it was expected.