Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your DH is now WFH, does he expect you to now make him lunch every day?

373 replies

mintginger · 17/07/2021 20:54

Just wondering what people do really (particularly if you are SAH yourself).

YABU - yes, you should make him lunch.
YANBU - no, leave him to it and go out and about on your business.

Thanks!

OP posts:
StripyGiraffes · 18/07/2021 03:03

@RainingZen

Well, he doesnt expect me to make lunch, but if I don't, he never makes a reasonable lunch for himself. Despite being capable of running a department of 200 people, he apparently isn't capable of making a sandwich. Literally, he has not made a single sandwich since lockdown began, even though I buy all the ingredients to do so and even though if I make him a sandwich when I make mine a sandwich he happily eats it.

On Friday he stopped early for lunch, and provided himself with a nutritious lunch of 2 sausage rolls and 2 packets of crisps.

I do think he has regressed since I became a SAHM, not good is it?!

Why do you enable this? Seriously. Why?
Lefthousewithpooinhair · 18/07/2021 03:19

It really depends on the roles you have both picked in your hone. Until we had a kid, my wife and I were pretty equal in our house. If I am at home on a day off, and my wife is working from home, I will make her lunch. She probably wouldn’t expect me to, but if I’m at hone just chilling out and she is working, that seems sensible to me.
If my wife is at hone chilling out and I am wfh, she would probably do the same.
You don’t have to be in the 1920s to see that if one of you is at hone and the other is working, it’s nice that the one who is not working help.

FirmlyRooted · 18/07/2021 06:55

If you're not working and at home, then, yes, I would say the non working person should be making lunch for both of you. If both working, different story.

Blankiefan · 18/07/2021 07:08

We both WFH. If DH didn't make my lunch most days, I wouldn't get a chance to eat. I make it when I get the chance but am generally in back-to-back meetings all day. His job is different so he's not as meeting-heavy.

I'd say make it if you're around - how much longer does it take to make 2 sandwiches than 1? Don't hang around to do it tho if you have plans to be out.

ApolloandDaphne · 18/07/2021 07:10

My DH works from home in a very full on job and I am retired. He would never expect me to make his lunch. I offer from time to time when I know he has back to back meetings over lunch but he is happy with a ham salad sandwich and a yogurt, so it isn't exactly difficult. He prefers to get his own lunch when he can to get out his office and have a quick chat before heading back to work.

Hoolahoophop · 18/07/2021 07:29

Yep, I usually check when he's free for lunch make all his lunches and take drinks up to him in his office. If he's not free when I am or I'm out he sorts himself. But if I'm hme I work around him feed and Water him. I have no idea why. I work PT in a senior roll and I'm the high earner as well as responsible for all the kidsneeds, housework organising tje home cooking etc. No wonder I'm always ducking exhausted to which he helpfully suggests I should go to the gp to see if they can give me something for my moods. I know what you would all prescribe.

saraclara · 18/07/2021 07:31

As someone else said, is the word 'expect' that's problematic.

If I was a sahm with school age children (and especially if I had a cleaner), I'd consider life to be pretty sweet. And if my partner was working an intense job from home and I was in, I'd offer to make their lunch. When one partner is really busy and the other isn't, it surely makes sense for the least busy to cater for both, in a variety of circumstances, and whatever the sex of the less busy one.

But if I was out of the house it would be down to him.

nhy21 · 18/07/2021 07:40

You prep a plate of food, stick it in the fridge, then flounce off out all day spending his wages, which let's face it, is what the OP is doing

Your use of "flounce" and "his" wages is very judgmental and, thankfully, most of us have partners with attitudes suitable for the times we live in.

I'm a SAHM and also fortunate to have a cleaner. My husband does not expect me to be chained to the house all day like a prisoner. In fact, he wants me to get out more and stop spending time on chores. It's not his money, it's our money, the same way it was when I worked and earned more than him. It's an equal relationship. I spend quite a bit of time managing our investments (we have an interest only mortgage)...shock horror, some days they go up by more than he earns that day. Is that then "my" money?

But in reality I spend most of my time cleaning and tidying (we have a big house), gardening, sorting out admin and doing all the things so my husband can enjoy his free time. Yesterday, he "flounced off" to play cricket for the day while I did some chores and made dinner. Which you no doubt throughly approve of. But he pulls his weight on the chores front, I'm not his slave.

jay55 · 18/07/2021 07:43

If he's training for something and being obsessive about food. Maybe he could use one of those fancy meal prep services that athletes use.

Terhou · 18/07/2021 07:49

If he has time to exercise he has time to organise his lunch. In your situation I guess I normally would make lunch for him, but the arrangement would be on the basis that I'm not tied to the house to do it: if for any reason I couldn't organise lunch then it would be up to him.

luckyrabbits · 18/07/2021 07:54

I am WFH my husband is a stay at home dad, with school age children. I'm on calls pretty much continuously throughout the day. He makes me lunch when he makes his. If he isn't hungry or goes out he doesn't make anything for me and that's completely fine. If I do have a gap in calls or it's the weekend then I make it.
I would be v v upset if he decided I could just make my own everyday when he has to make his own anyway and he has more free time (remember we have school age children)

Whiskycav · 18/07/2021 07:56

You prep a plate of food, stick it in the fridge, then flounce off out all day spending his wages, which let's face it, is what the OP is doing

Wtf? How do people still have this kind of attitude.

I am not a sahp. I am the higher earner and this sort of attitude makes me really sad.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 18/07/2021 08:07

God, the "back to back meetings/calls" jobs on here sound horrendous. How can you people stand it? 8 or more hours sitting down looking at a screen! Awful.

nhy21 · 18/07/2021 08:15

@Chicchicchicchiclana

God, the "back to back meetings/calls" jobs on here sound horrendous. How can you people stand it? 8 or more hours sitting down looking at a screen! Awful.
I have to say, having had more insight into my husbands job with WFH, I feel quite sorry for him. He's on Zoom meetings all day every day. Most of his calls start with him saying that he's sorry he's late as the last meeting overran.

I would struggle to remain engaged and enthusiastic without an hour or two quietly getting on with my work and not having to speak to people.

Camrette · 18/07/2021 08:17

I make mine a packed lunch for the days he’s at work. When he’s at home if he’s doing a big diy job I’ll usually make it but if I’ve been doing housework and looking after the kids while he sits on the sofa watching the tennis he has no chance.
If I’m making something proper like bacon sandwiches or soup etc I’ll make it for whoever’s home but most of the time the kids get a ham or cheese sandwich and I’ll eat the same. I could make him a sandwich at the same time but don’t see why I should, especially as he doesn’t have one sandwich but three all with different fillings which is considerably more effort than making one sandwich and cutting it in half for the two youngest to share!

Illogicalmadness · 18/07/2021 08:23

If I were you I'd get a part time job so I'm out of the house at lunch time. Even if it's stacking shelves in tesco, I'd do it to make a point. I bet you he'd have to make his lunch then, what an entitled man. All this 'he's super busy' & 'super complicated' what a load of enabling nonsense.

Illogicalmadness · 18/07/2021 08:25

Also how 1950's is his attitude that he gets his PA to run out & get his lunch. I bet you that wasn't in her job description when she applied.

Catlover77 · 18/07/2021 08:26

We generally make our own lunch but we are both busy working and eat at a time to suit ourselves.

If you do not work and your ‘job’ is the house then yes I think you should prepare the lunches.

nicecheesegromit · 18/07/2021 08:30

You sound very passive. Do you have any life outside of the home - any hobbies, friends meet ups etc? Does that have to fit around him? I must admit, I couldn't live like this. I couldn't be a servant to the family

Terhou · 18/07/2021 08:30

@Illogicalmadness

Also how 1950's is his attitude that he gets his PA to run out & get his lunch. I bet you that wasn't in her job description when she applied.
Agreed. Both DH and I are in senior roles and neither of us would dream of making an employee get lunch for us.
yadayadayay · 18/07/2021 08:30

Are your 3 DC school age?

startrek90 · 18/07/2021 08:36

Yes I do, I also made his pack up when he was working in the office. I do all the cooking, planning etc.. fact is if I didn't cook for him or make something up he will just not eat. Same for the kids too, unless I cook they would all live of cereal,fruit and crisps and it's just not healthy.

Hellcatspangle · 18/07/2021 08:37

He doesn't expect it but will often be found lurking around the kitchen to see if I'm making anything better than the ham sandwich he would make himself.

If I'm making myself something I'd offer him the same, but won't go out of my way to make him something.

FloconDeNeige · 18/07/2021 08:38

You’ve chosen a 1950s marriage set-up. You’re happy with the benefits; not working, large house, cleaners etc. But you’re moaning at having to keep your side of the deal. You make him his lunch because it facilitates your lifestyle that his work pays for.

If you had a more conventional marriage, then he’d be a sexist pig. In your situation, however, it’s what you signed up for. So get back in the kitchen!

Nanny0gg · 18/07/2021 08:41

@mintginger

I ask this because I often don’t even particularly eat lunch myself - only if I’m out and about, I might go into Pret or something. But he is someone who sees lunch as more of a “fixture.” He is very busy the whole time. For some reason, he planted salad stuff in the garden a while ago and it’s taken off - loads of what appears to be kale and other lettuces, radishes - all sorts. So he wants me to go out and pick this stuff now and make salads with flatbreads, various superfood seeds and salmon or something with it. It might not sound like much in the scheme of life, but it’s another thing to think about, especially if I’m planning to be out in the day. This is why I ask.
Tell him to do it himself!

You are not his servant!