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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your DH is now WFH, does he expect you to now make him lunch every day?

373 replies

mintginger · 17/07/2021 20:54

Just wondering what people do really (particularly if you are SAH yourself).

YABU - yes, you should make him lunch.
YANBU - no, leave him to it and go out and about on your business.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
mintginger · 18/07/2021 19:30

Obviously I only posted this thread for a specific question which was provoked after talking to a friend in a similar situation. I have loads of friends who are SAH with similar issues - I don’t think it’s unusual in the least to question what you’re actually doing at times. As a op said, it’s hard to give overall context in a few paragraphs on MN. All marriages and relationships are different. I might sound defensive now, but anyway - for context, I would say my marriage is very strong and there are loads of positives. People say we complement each other and I think we do and most importantly, we have the same outlook on life. Otherwise I wouldn’t be with him! But thankyou for all the comments - even the sarcastic ones!

OP posts:
Notanotherheatwave2 · 18/07/2021 19:33

I’m a SAHM too and would make mine lunch IF I was making it for myself. And I wouldn’t leave him anything in the fridge.

But I have a toddler at home most days and see my main job as looking after my toddler. Not sure what I would do if kids were at school.

For me a partnership where one partner earns all the money only works if both partner’s roles are respected. Ie mine respects me for looking after the toddler/food/laundry because he doesn’t want to and sees value in it. I respect him for earning the money.

If I ever start to feel taken for granted, ordered about or treated like a dogsbody, our situation wouldn’t work anymore and I’d be straight back to work. DH would then have to do 50% of childcare cooking and housework, something he would HATE.

If you feel your partner is being a bit dictatorial (only you know this) maybe remind him of all the value you add by doing the things he doesn’t want to do, so he can excel at work.

Perhaps even discuss going back to work and sharing all of the chores 50/50 - might remind him of the benefits of you staying at home and make him be a bit more respectful (if he isn’t already).

And well done for rising above all the snide comments - a lot of mums really go for SAHMS on here.

Notanotherheatwave2 · 18/07/2021 19:42

*I had no idea there was so many women who don't work.

I literally know one sahm and she has three very young children and a DH who earns a fortune.

Everyone I know shares jobs like this as they both work. Honestly reading this thread I feel like I've gone back to rhe 1950's*

You know in the 1950s women who did want to work were often attacked by SAHMs for doing so.

Now SAHMs are a minority, we are often attacked by working women who think it’s their right.

There will always be a small group of narrow minded women who spitefully attack and judge the choice of the minority group, without knowing their circumstances.

For all of you making snide comments, well done for being in this group. In the 50s you probably would have been attacking working mums for making the “wrong” choices, because that’s how you treat anyone who doesn’t conform to the majority.

littlemisskt · 18/07/2021 19:50

I often do make the lunch for us both but if I’m busy he will do it or we’ll pop out together. If I’m out he is quite capable of feeding himself.
The same goes for dinner too….

Original poster
mintginger · 18/07/2021 19:56

Notanotherheatwave2 - thanks and I totally agree. It’s all about circumstances. Never judge anyone until you’ve walked in their shoes Grin

OP posts:
Mermaid67 · 18/07/2021 20:00

Quite sad that the love involved in doing something nice for your husband is seen by so many as a bad idea😞

Pomalade · 18/07/2021 20:10

@Mermaid67

Quite sad that the love involved in doing something nice for your husband is seen by so many as a bad idea😞
No one has said that though, they've just pointed out that op shouldn't have to prepare lunch for a very capable adult, if it's inconvient to her or its being demanded in a ridiculous way.
sHREDDIES19 · 18/07/2021 20:10

I wfh and my dh makes my lunch every day (he’s a sahd).

thenewduchessofhastings · 18/07/2021 20:14

"he planted salad stuff in the garden a while ago and it’s taken off - loads of what appears to be kale and other lettuces, radishes - all sorts. So he wants me to go out and pick this stuff now and make salads with flatbreads, various superfood seeds and salmon or something with it"

Are you his wife or his butler?;if he wants that stuff for lunch he can go out before his working day starts and pick and prepare his own lunch ready for lunchtime.

NakedAttraction · 18/07/2021 20:21

Surely whoever is sorting lunch first asks the other if they want some?

That’s what we did when I was on mat leave and have continued since I started back at work. Probably 50% of the time we say yes please and the other just sort ourselves.

Debbacat6 · 18/07/2021 20:22

I like looking after him
He doesn't expect it and is always very grateful.
Isn't that part of marriage? Doing stuff for each other?
It's not a political issue to me and yes, I work as hard as he does but it makes me Happy to do this. He does other stuff for me

MyriadeOfThings · 18/07/2021 20:22

To be honest

  • you prepare lunch for yourself, then I would expect you to prepare (the same) lunch for him.
  • you are out and about, don’t eat at all for lunch, I think he should prepare his.
  • the stuff with using the salad from the garden, seeds etc… then can get lost on that one. And I’m the person who WILL prepare salads like this!
  • he eats first, prepares his own meal etc… I’d expect him to make you a portion too IF he knows you are going to snack on that later on in the afternoon.
sherrystrull · 18/07/2021 20:22

@Notanotherheatwave2

*I had no idea there was so many women who don't work.

I literally know one sahm and she has three very young children and a DH who earns a fortune.

Everyone I know shares jobs like this as they both work. Honestly reading this thread I feel like I've gone back to rhe 1950's*

You know in the 1950s women who did want to work were often attacked by SAHMs for doing so.

Now SAHMs are a minority, we are often attacked by working women who think it’s their right.

There will always be a small group of narrow minded women who spitefully attack and judge the choice of the minority group, without knowing their circumstances.

For all of you making snide comments, well done for being in this group. In the 50s you probably would have been attacking working mums for making the “wrong” choices, because that’s how you treat anyone who doesn’t conform to the majority.

I'm not attacking anyone. Don't take your issues out on me. I'm very happy working as I love my career. I could never be a sahm. I was making a point about this thread being so different to my experience. I've not been the spiteful one.
ForkedIt · 18/07/2021 20:23

I’m a SAHM and my husband wfh. He makes lunch (and dinner) for us every day.
Burn the witch!

gamerchick · 18/07/2021 20:23

@Mermaid67

Quite sad that the love involved in doing something nice for your husband is seen by so many as a bad idea😞
Only if it's expected and moaned about if it doesn't happen
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 18/07/2021 20:24

Quite sad that the love involved in doing something nice for your husband is seen by so many as a bad idea

The OP feels burdened by it, it's making her unhappy, it's stopping her going out and doing what she enjoys, and her husband takes it for granted.

That's my definition of a bad idea, I don't know what yours is.

If she enjoyed it, felt it was worth the trouble or that her husband appreciated the effort she was making then she wouldn't have posted.

NakedAttraction · 18/07/2021 20:24

@Mermaid67

Quite sad that the love involved in doing something nice for your husband is seen by so many as a bad idea😞
There’s nothing I’m more grateful for than OH appearing with a plate of sandwiches when I’m on back to back calls all day. Same as I wouldn’t see him go hungry on a super busy day either.
starfishmummy · 18/07/2021 20:29

He takes a proper break and usually makes me lunch!!

However if he didn't and I was at home I would be making lunch for me so it wouldn't bother me to make it.

starfishmummy · 18/07/2021 20:30

PS I'm not working.

gillysSong · 18/07/2021 20:30

We are both at home, lunch is made by whoever is free at the time, for both of us.
If dd is about, sometimes she'll make it.
Expecting somebody else to "look after you" is not tolerated at all, but we all help one another by choice.

Notanotherheatwave2 · 18/07/2021 20:35

@sherrystrull

At what point did I say you (or anyone) wasn’t happy working?

And making snide comments about women who choose to stay at home being stuck in the 1950’s IS spiteful.

You love working - great! I love being a SAHM - also great. You do you and I’ll do me. No need for either of us to put the other one’s choices down - (in your case by implying SAHM’s are stuck in the 50’s)

To be fair your comment wasn’t the worst on here - I quoted it because I wanted to make a point about the 50s.

Meatshake · 18/07/2021 20:39

No I'm already making lunch for two small humans, I don't need to be making it for a fully capable human too.

If he goes on a bike ride or similar on his lunch break I'll offer to have something ready when he gets back so he can have an extra 15 mins on the trails cos I'm a fucking hero wife though. It is in no way expected and he is very appreciative.

BewareOfTheAgapanthus · 18/07/2021 20:41

As I remember, my brother and I always ate the same lunch together at the dining room table when we were home alone together as teenagers, revising for ‘o’ and ‘A’ levels for example. Who did what I can’t remember except that he always washed up and I dried. It does therefore surprise me that so many people in the house together all day don’t eat together and think making lunch for another person is as demeaning as wiping his bottom.
I can see that lack of reciprocity in any relationship is a problem, but some people’s reactions to the very idea of making lunch for another are bizarre. I’m also surprised at the popularity of eating sandwiches in your own home, but each to his own.

Mermaid67 · 18/07/2021 20:43

@Debbacat6

I like looking after him He doesn't expect it and is always very grateful. Isn't that part of marriage? Doing stuff for each other? It's not a political issue to me and yes, I work as hard as he does but it makes me Happy to do this. He does other stuff for me
Exactly!
MissChanandlerBong22 · 18/07/2021 20:49

I actually had a big fall out with my DH when we were both WFH because somehow I always ended up making lunch for us both. It was partly because I was working at the dining table in the kitchen diner and he had shut himself in the study. We got into a pattern where he’d appear from the study, eat whatever I’d made for us both, and slip off back to the study again leaving me to clear up the mess (if I wanted a clean space to work).

I told him that unless he’d like me to quit my job and spend my days cooking for him and cleaning up after him then it needed to change, and to be fair to him it did. And we rotate working in the dining room/study now.