Or is my mother re: updating her on our travels

[noworklifebalance]

My mother expects us to let her know when we have arrived at our holiday destination and when we have returned home - whether this is abroad or in the UK.
If going abroad she likes to know our flight details and where we are staying.
I sort of understand the flight details - occasionally there are tragedies and it must be horrific not to know whether loved ones where on the flight.

However, I find the whole thing frustrating, perhaps irrationally so, hence my AIBU?

For context, I am married with 2 children and have lived away from my parents for nearly 20 years.
My mother also worries if I haven’t rung or messaged her for a few days/week - “anything may have happened to me”. My answer that my DH will let her know if that this was the case or it’ll have to be the police if we are all wiped out, didn’t go down well(!).

I’m 40 and my mum still likes to know if I’ve got somewhere safely if it’s over an hour away. We have a family WhatsApp group, we just stick it on there. Haven’t lived with her since I was 9 but she cares.

YABU. I've always let my mum know where I was going, the flight numbers (if abroad), hotel etc. Also kept her updated on delays etc and text upon arrival. She does the same for me. It's a safety thing. She just cares about you.

I'm really shocked at the proportion of YABU responses. I agree with a PP that it's really quite different when you have anxious parents, who make it your responsibility to alleviate them of their excessive worrying. This goes hand in hand with controlling parents, overbearing parents, critical parents.

In the context of parents always behaving in a particularly controlling and anxious manner, an otherwise fairly innocuous request to text them after getting home would weigh down like a tonne of bricks and make you feel pretty irritated.

@VivienScott

Sounds slightly controlling to me.

Really? my daughter and I always just send a quick text to say 'We're home or we've arrived' or similar if either of us is going away somewhere, be it home or abroad. Takes 10 seconds out of the day. Hardly controlling and then we can relax. We don't message each other to the point of annoyance, but we DO care.

If something amiss did happen - an accident, lost baggage, passports / money getting stolen, a burglary or a sick pet at home - who would you call?

I don't think she's being unreasonable, wanting to know where you are. She might be required to pick up the pieces if you needed some kind of remote help.

Plus she loves you and is interested in how you are getting along. For that reason I always let my mum track my phone when I'm away (even though I find it too intrusive when I am at home)

YABU. It takes 2 seconds to drop a quick text to say you've arrived etc.

I'm married with kids and still text my mum even if I just leave her house to come home and arrive safe

YABU - You have parents that care, some people would be very jealous of that. I ring my mum almost daily, even when there is nothing to report. It connects us and shows mutual care and respect. Some days it's literally a 2 minute check in, some days we can be chatting for hours. You will miss it when she's gone, you just don't realise it yet.

I agree with a PP that it's really quite different when you have anxious parents, who make it your responsibility to alleviate them of their excessive worrying. This goes hand in hand with controlling parents, overbearing parents, critical parents

Yes, this.

I am sorry for those that lost loved ones when abroad and had trouble contacting them. For some it happened before mobile phones, which would add to the difficulty in getting hold of someone if you didn’t have their hotel details. For others, they or their loved ones were alone.

I am not talking of those situations, as I said, it made sense when I lived or travelled alone.

Now, if I don’t turn up to work the shit will hit the fan, so there is no way I can go awol for a few days without being missed.
Likewise, if don’t turn up at the school gate then it will very quickly be known that something has happened.
Or if I don’t come back from work - I usually text my husband that I am on way home.

It really is down to anxiety and all those other things pp mentioned rather than purely love or care.

I have the Life 360 app and have my mum on it. Works both ways as I can check up on her and her on me. Doesn't bother me at all.

I think you need to shift your mindset on this. I think you see it as being controlling and nosy whereas for her it's about showing she cares and her own anxiety.

It's not actually a lot to send the text, you could just keep sending the same one. "Hi Mum, that's us here/home" Love x And just send her the details of your travel/accommodation. She might be worrying about people being able to contact you if anything happens to her rather than you.

Yes, we do text if we have returned home from their place but that follows on naturally from the visit to theirs

Regardless of whether it's UK or overseas, I would still text my mum to let her know I'd arrived safely and I don't think we're particularly close. YABU, you seem to begrudge having to contact her which is odd to me. I think I'll still ask my DDs to do this when we're older. It's called caring. It's not a control thing or anything like that. IMO it's simply caring

YABU.
Most people don't need to be asked, it's common courtesy.

I would also find it suffocating, OP.
If it's the worst thing she does, though, you're pretty lucky.

I'm starting to wonder if your parents are of the same cultural background as mine - I find it's a bit of a cultural thing, from anecdotal evidence...

Mine did this when I was single, which I understood more. They CONTINUED to do it when I got a boyfriend, married that boyfriend, had children, and I just lost my shit at this point and after the last time they panicked for no reason I said I knew they cared but it's too much for me to manage, and if they can't get through to me they can try my husband. It's strange but they haven't done this once since.

I come from a very normal, warm family.

We let each other know when we arrive, make a short call mid week and then when when we are on our way home.

Finally when we get in.

20 minutes of my life, and theirs.

If this is offensive to you, you do you. I’m comfortable with that small amount of contact as part of a living family.

*loving

I come from a very normal, warm family

Happy for you @SpeakingFranglais

I was never one of those people that would call parents etc while on holiday but I always left details in case of emergency. MY Dm never did to grips with a mobile so no texting possible and no internet/tracking flights etc either but when we got back i'd just give a quick call saying we were back, had a great holiday and we'd pop for a visit/have a longer catch up later.

My DC are young adults now so I guess I know how it feels, you never stop being concerned for their welfare but i don't moan if they forget to message me. I assume no news is good news :)

People who say to send a text and stop them worrying don’t get it. There is no stopping them worrying. It just means they start worrying about something else. I don’t tell my mother I am going abroad at all. I also didn’t tell her when I was in hospital for the same reason.

it makes me anxious when my mother screams at me because I didn't let her know.
for my own mental health I have to restrict what or how much I tell her.

It's a normal thing to do 🤷

Meaning what? You asked a question, are you being unreasonable?in my family and circle of friends, you are 🤷‍♀️

Im glad you’re happy for me, I sense a backstory.

To the OP

So, do those who don't tell them anything leave any contact details with someone else? I would have hated it if something happened to DM or family and no-one knew where we were in order to let us know.