Or is my mother re: updating her on our travels

[noworklifebalance]

My mother expects us to let her know when we have arrived at our holiday destination and when we have returned home - whether this is abroad or in the UK.
If going abroad she likes to know our flight details and where we are staying.
I sort of understand the flight details - occasionally there are tragedies and it must be horrific not to know whether loved ones where on the flight.

However, I find the whole thing frustrating, perhaps irrationally so, hence my AIBU?

For context, I am married with 2 children and have lived away from my parents for nearly 20 years.
My mother also worries if I haven’t rung or messaged her for a few days/week - “anything may have happened to me”. My answer that my DH will let her know if that this was the case or it’ll have to be the police if we are all wiped out, didn’t go down well(!).

Op:AIBU
Majority: yes
Op: no I'm not..

YABU

She cares she's showing you cares. More than my mother ever would

Oh my… I can’t even imagine this. American here, I spent a semester abroad pre mobile phone days (a.k.a. The dark ages). I think I spoke to my mum once every couple of weeks and went gallivanting around Europe with my trusty backpack and youthful immortality.

Honestly my friends and family find out I’m on vacation if I manage to post something to social media. But that doesn’t happen very often. Hell most of my holidays are to places with no cell service or WiFi.

Yes travel for work too DH gets a text when I’ve arrived, if I remember, and one when I get home if he’s working.

In other words no I wouldn’t text or call my parents as an adult.

@ElephantOfRisk

So, do those who don't tell them anything leave any contact details with someone else? I would have hated it if something happened to DM or family and no-one knew where we were in order to let us know.

I have a cellphone, as does everyone in my family. Why would they need flight numbers and hotel details? I don’t leave details when I go out for the day, or go to work either, and people could drop down dead in that time. Should I do that too?

My parents have never expected me to do this, but everyone else I’ve ever been on holiday with has called or messaged home to say they’ve arrived, so I guess my family is weird and uncaring.

@Boood

My parents have never expected me to do this, but everyone else I’ve ever been on holiday with has called or messaged home to say they’ve arrived, so I guess my family is weird and uncaring.

Mine too

I have a cellphone, as does everyone in my family. Why would they need flight numbers and hotel details? I don’t leave details when I go out for the day, or go to work either, and people could drop down dead in that time. Should I do that too?

Doh! I guess i'm casting back to when my DM was alive and cell phones or being able to use them abroad wasn't really a thing.

Yanbu. At all.

I don't expect this of my adult children and would rather it wasn't expected of me.

This will be you one day and hopefully your children won't be as miserable as you about it .

That is not what this thread is about though ElephantOfRisk because the OP left home 20 years ago. Why would anyone need to leave details these days? Apparently it is because their parents care about them

@ElephantOfRisk

So, do those who don't tell them anything leave any contact details with someone else? I would have hated it if something happened to DM or family and no-one knew where we were in order to let us know.

If I was obligated to text people about my location, then other people can quiet easily use the same thing to contact me.

Someone else knowing I am booked into X World hotel is only useful if I'm staying in the hotel. No point leaving any message in the hotel when I might have buggared off for the day. Or if I'm backpacking what contact details do I leave?

She cares! Yes it's a bit much, I just tell my mum rough details these days but she still sends me a full itinerary complete with flight details and taxi firm used "just in case".

There's far worse things she could be like

@Highfive2021

Sounds like she cares to me.

100%

Life goes by quick so allow her to show you she cares for you.
One day she won't be here as is the circle of life.
Then you will miss her dreadfully.

My family does this. Or even if we're returning home from visiting DPs or relatives house. "Text me that you've got home ok"
But there have been instances over the years of car breakdowns and one sad incidence where a family member collapsed on the way home from holiday without contact details or phone on them and we didnt realise for several days that they'd been admitted to hospital unconscious. So understandable for us

Just wondering.... why does texting every few days feel too much???

Two thoughts -

1. She clearly wants this and it would cost you little to send a quick text or photo of the kids with a comment.... perhaps try this and see what happens... she may relax... and you may find a warmer relationship especially if you choose to do something like share appreciating something in your day in your text.. enabling her to see the good stuff, even a great cup of coffee in your life
2. What do you want to model to your children about the kind of relationship you would like them to have with you as their mother?

Just call your mom. I used to get home to loads of messages on my answering machine asking if I was home yet. Although I’d call her when I arrived, during the holiday, the day before I was due to fly, & I’d put the time I would arrive home on her calendar. It drove me mad, but I miss it now, & know that no one will ever love me like she did.

@SpeakingFranglais

Meaning what? You asked a question, are you being unreasonable?in my family and circle of friends, you are 🤷‍♀️

Im glad you’re happy for me, I sense a backstory.

No backstory other than what I have explained in previous posts. However, the question is: am I being unreasonable given my situation. Not: am I being unreasonable if I were in the situation that you are in. If you still think IABU given my situation that’s fine.

“Let me know you got there safely”

Drives me nuts. It’s like a suggestion that something bad could happen. Oh and that you absolutely must think of the worrier, you can’t just switch off and enjoy yourselves, you must know that I’m worried, and you must do something about it.

If I needed to trek barefooted through guerilla-infested land-mine ridden quicksand with no food or water, carrying several vulnerable, dehydrated, feeble DCs, then it would make sense to confirm that we had indeed, finally and thankfully, reached safety and were no longer in harm’s reach.

Why do I need the extra layer of guilt? Why can’t I just crack on and enjoy my holiday/trip?

Sure, people get hurt or die on holiday, just as they could popping to the shops.

Happy to share photos and say “this place is so cool / look at the view / food is great / DCs loving the pool / spider in the shower / cute stray kitten” or “we’ll give you a call on Sunday when we get home to tell you all about it” as part of normal interactions and conversations.

Or “just landed, massive queue in passport control / DH left phone on the plane, so we’re going to be ages” to let whoever is picking us up know the latest - fine.

The increase in anxiety is not proportionate to the increase in the “risk”.

We always ask visitors to let us know that they're home safely, and we tell them too. It stops people worrying that you're stopped in traffic.

But what is the problem with being in traffic? Why would that cause you to worry?

I don't think her demands are ridiculously OTT when it comes to this- a lot of people wouldn't ask for it but it's not a huge inconvenience to do these things if that's what she wants over these few things- just check in basically.

But it sounds like she's unpleasant in other ways, from what you say. So that prrobably colours how much you want to puut yorself ouut for her (understandably.)

And if she's not nice to you in other ways, I imagine her 'concern' for you might feel superficial or insincere.

We have always shared flight, hotels etc etc in the family.

A few years ago my brother and his wife - who hate anyone knowing what they do - their are "private individuals" - went on holiday - we were allowed to know that.

DP got rushed in to hospital and was dying - I spent 3 days, them not answering mobiles, looking at e mails unable to get hold of them. Finally a remnant of brain remembered them talking about a hotel in a place long haul and how they were going to book a holiday there sometime. Google search found number rang the hotel and hey bingo result.
They had missed the flight out of there and not another one for 2 days. Stroppy calls about whether SP was actually dying and could it wait till they got back next week. In the end flew them the wrong way to get back the right way and they arrived in time.

So fucking unnecessarily stressful for everyone.
Never happened before but this time it did.
So OP YABVU

My mum likes to know when we've arrived somewhere, be it a flight/long car journey etc. I don't think twice about letting her know, and she'll also let us know that she's arrived safely at a destination. We love and care about eachother so it seems to the normal thing to do to me. You'll likely be the same when your kids are older and you are a grandmother yourself. YABU.