Or is my mother re: updating her on our travels

[noworklifebalance]

My mother expects us to let her know when we have arrived at our holiday destination and when we have returned home - whether this is abroad or in the UK.
If going abroad she likes to know our flight details and where we are staying.
I sort of understand the flight details - occasionally there are tragedies and it must be horrific not to know whether loved ones where on the flight.

However, I find the whole thing frustrating, perhaps irrationally so, hence my AIBU?

For context, I am married with 2 children and have lived away from my parents for nearly 20 years.
My mother also worries if I haven’t rung or messaged her for a few days/week - “anything may have happened to me”. My answer that my DH will let her know if that this was the case or it’ll have to be the police if we are all wiped out, didn’t go down well(!).

I refuse to do it, because I'm forgetful, especially when tired and there's too much of a chance that one day I'll forget and cause panic. I think MiL needs to work on her anxiety rather than us pander to it.
I don't make my own kids text me on arrival either as a deliberate policy of not making them responsible for dealing with my mild anxiety.

However, a single text sent on your terms saying you've arrived probably isn't unreasonable, as long as there isn't the expectation of updating on your every move!

I give DH my flight details etc but it wouldn't occur to tell the rest of my family, including DM that I'm travelling somewhere.

Wow!

I take it you believe you will not care for your children once they are adults!
Hate to break it to ya, but parents never stop worrying.

She just cares. My mum gives me a full itinerary of her trips - flights and hotels, and she expects/asks the same of me and my siblings.

She also asks me to text her to tell her I’ve arrived/am leaving when I travel for work. It’s just some people’s way of caring and showing love

It could be worse. If I visit mine (3 hr journey), they like a text on departure, updates if we stop, and moan constantly if we’re delayed as my phone won’t connect to the hands free system in our car, so I can’t update them easily if I’m the sole adult.

All completely understandable.

Except DM won’t let me know when they’re setting off when they come to visit me. She’ll message part way through the journey. When she feels like it. So I’m trying to manage excited DCs desperate to know when the DGPs might arrive and the only certainty is it’ll always be at least an hour later than they said it would be, and I can’t even manage expectations because I don’t know whether they’ve set off.

@Aquamarine1029 my kids are now adults. One is gallivanting around France at the moment. I don’t know precisely where she is, and don’t need to know. She’s 22. When I was her age I was living in Poland, under communism, so different and difficult times. I didn’t feel the need to let my mother know my every move. The other DD is in our flat in London, probably partying with friends.

Yes, perhaps @Aquamarine1029.

It made sense when I lived and travelled alone but now not to be able to go a few days without checking in?

What do people to travel for business do? Did they need to let their partners and their parents know of their safe arrival.

You have 2 kids op. When they are older you will want them to do the same as you will worry. Having a mother that cares is far better than one that doesn’t.

My PIL were on a tour of New Zealand and Australian when there was a massive earthquake in Christchurch and I knew they were going there.

The didn’t contact us for days and we had no way to know they were ok. It was awful.

I get a brief itinerary and flight details now.

[quote MrsSchadenfreude]@Aquamarine1029 my kids are now adults. One is gallivanting around France at the moment. I don’t know precisely where she is, and don’t need to know. She’s 22. When I was her age I was living in Poland, under communism, so different and difficult times. I didn’t feel the need to let my mother know my every move. The other DD is in our flat in London, probably partying with friends.[/quote]
My children are adults, too, my 24 year old half way around the world. I never said anything about having to know their "every move."

I care for my adult dc and I call/message them. If they want to give me daily/weekly/monthly updates about their current locations they can.

Because I care about them I don't put obligations onto them.

I’ll be honest, my mum doesn’t care enough to do this. Also, it is horrific to find out a loved one has passed away several days before as you hadn’t heard from them for several days so contact the police but they had a heart attack but were taken to hospital with no ID or way to contact the next of kin….

My DM used to be like this. It drove me up the wall. I don’t expect my dc to tell me where they are or what they’re doing - holiday or no holiday. I assume all is well unless someone tells me otherwise. My DM would assume I had died in a fireball if I didn’t call her the moment I arrived at my destination. Drama llama.

I think it’s lovely that she cares & thinks about you a lot. Amazed you find it so inconvenient just to text her.

Lots of people sadly have parents who couldn’t care less about them, so try to be grateful for what you have.

How does it show that a parent cares? It is for their benefit not yours. As a previous poster points out they are making you responsible for their anxiety. I think that is pretty shit parenting actually.

It would really help in emergency situations if everyone kept the ICE details up to date on their mobile phones. I could just down the road or several thousand miles away, but if someone else hasn't bothered to do this not my fault if no-one else knows how to contact me.

I travel for business regularly, often alone. I let my partner, parents and a colleague know I've arrived safely and where I am staying. Honestly, arriving in Beijing or Hanoi at 3am and knowing at least someone knows where I am is a comfort.

My parents were staying in Paris for three weeks when my paternal grandfather died in 1982. My paternal grandmother was in her 80s and very frail. My maternal grandparents (who were much younger than my paternal grandmother) had the task of trying to track down my parents who had left no details of what hotel they were staying in and their travel details so my Dad could come home. My parents were utterly consumed with guilt and insist on my brother and I leaving details whenever we go away.

I honestly can't see why you would have a problem with this.

Sounds slightly controlling to me.

I can’t speak for everyone’s parents of course, but we are all a product of our experiences. My mum and I went away for a few days when I was a teenager. My older brother stayed home. We rang him that evening but he didn’t answer the phone because he was dead. That sort of thing stays with you, so when I can’t get hold of my loved ones I panic. I can’t help it, and no amount of counselling is going to take away that memory.

@canigooutyet

I care for my adult dc and I call/message them. If they want to give me daily/weekly/monthly updates about their current locations they can.

Because I care about them I don't put obligations onto them.

This. Neither my parents or PILs ask for a message or our holiday itinerary and nor do we ask them. I'd find it infantilising if they did tbh. I quite possibly do send a quick message to my mum but not out of obligation.

They don't need the weekly text but both my mum and mother in law ask me to text when we arrive at a holiday destination, either if it's been a long drive or a flight, i don't mind

@Feather12

How does it show that a parent cares? It is for their benefit not yours. As a previous poster points out they are making you responsible for their anxiety. I think that is pretty shit parenting actually.

I completely agree. I'm always told to be mindful about my MH issues impact my dc's lives.

Other people are not responsible for our MH only we are. It would be so easy (and disastrous) for me to say that's it, everyone has to pander to me because I have anxiety, depression, personality disorders, etc.

Instead it's me that has to find ways in which to manage the whatever at the time. That's why they are called coping mechanisms. Putting obligations onto people is not a healthy coping mechanism.

My mother would actually phone the hotel I was staying in before I’d even got there to see if I’d arrived

Can't wait until you're their age OP. Just be kind and let them know ffs.