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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my mother re: updating her on our travels

295 replies

noworklifebalance · 17/07/2021 18:06

My mother expects us to let her know when we have arrived at our holiday destination and when we have returned home - whether this is abroad or in the UK.
If going abroad she likes to know our flight details and where we are staying.
I sort of understand the flight details - occasionally there are tragedies and it must be horrific not to know whether loved ones where on the flight.

However, I find the whole thing frustrating, perhaps irrationally so, hence my AIBU?

For context, I am married with 2 children and have lived away from my parents for nearly 20 years.
My mother also worries if I haven’t rung or messaged her for a few days/week - “anything may have happened to me”. My answer that my DH will let her know if that this was the case or it’ll have to be the police if we are all wiped out, didn’t go down well(!).

OP posts:
MrsR2be · 18/07/2021 22:05

I always Ring or text my mum to let her know I arrived safe on holiday and she always does the same when she goes away

SchrodingersImmigrant · 18/07/2021 22:07

I once called my mum and she told me sha can't talk because she is in Netherlands and has little data left.
We talked about upcoming holidays. I just confused the weeks. We usually talk the day before holls, but it's not a rule.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 18/07/2021 22:08

It's not that we don't care. We just don't "stalk" (humour, people)😁

SchrodingersImmigrant · 18/07/2021 22:09

@HedgeVeg

YABU My father hasn't contacted me in 10 years. Be grateful you have parents who care.
My dad is dad be grateful yours is alive 🤷🏻
SchrodingersImmigrant · 18/07/2021 22:09

Dead ffs. Nod dad

Holly60 · 18/07/2021 22:11

What your mum is asking is normal

MumofSpud · 18/07/2021 22:12

My parents do the same if they go away - I get their flight and hotel details.
They are always aghast when they ask me what my flight numbers are and I have no idea!
Now they also ask about such details from my DS (adult) when he goes on holiday.
Again aghast when I have no idea!
In my defence with mobiles / social media, it would be easy to contact him.
Although when he went travelling in Asia I did want to have a rough itinerary.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 18/07/2021 22:18

They are always aghast when they ask me what my flight numbers are and I have no idea!

I just go.the airport and find flight by the oty name😂 which btw works for radar24 too🤷🏻

2Rebecca · 18/07/2021 22:49

I find it odd this is normal for so many families as travel has never been a big deal in mine. We are revularly on touch vial WhatsApp and email but don't ask for details of each others holiday plans or want texts every time someone gets in a car for a couple of hours. If my family are on holiday they'll put something on social media when they can be bothered. My brother did let me know he'd put my dad on the train to my house this morning and I let him know my dad arrived, but it's a 7 hour train trip and dad is in his 80s travelling alone. If it was just my brother and his family going on a train trip he wouldn't text everyone as him arriving at his destination is not a big deal

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/07/2021 23:24

If it makes her feel happy and more secure then just tell her.
The flight stuff might be an age thing - is she elderly? Flying used to be a much bigger deal and everyone would share flight details ‘just in case.’
I always pop my mum a text saying that we’re home safe after a holiday, it takes less than a minute and keeps her content. She loves you op.

Davros · 19/07/2021 00:00

I don't remember people sharing flight details "just in case" before mobile phones. People used to go away and no one would hear a peep until they got back, on my planet anyway

saraclara · 19/07/2021 00:08

We always used to share flight details, well before mobile phones. If anything we do it less now, because staying in contact is so much easier with smartphones.

HollaHolla · 19/07/2021 00:09

I’m 42, and still let my mum know! 😳
TBF, I travel a lot for work (in normal times), and it saves her calling me in the middle of the night, when I’m in an 8 hour time difference, for example. We have a family WhatsApp group, and tend to message entertaining things we’ve seen, which happen to be more likely when we’re out of the country.
It’s helpful, largely because my relationship broke down, and my folks are now my emergency contact in case I’m kidnapped in the Middle East or something (seriously - we had to go on a course).
But, I figure if 2mins whilst I’m in a cab/hotel room, which makes my mum sleep better, then it’s no skin off my nose.

Also - I got it from the other side one time my retired parents went to France, and we didn’t hear from them for about a week; which is very unusual. They had new phones, and they didn’t work out with the UK. However, as we had no idea which day they’d sailed, and with which company, or which route, we didn’t know where to start.... so, now I get it a bit more.

HollaHolla · 19/07/2021 00:11

Also - only 1 of the 5 of us use social media on the regular, so a Facebook post doesn’t cut it!

ElleMac44 · 19/07/2021 05:10

My mum was the same it drove me mad, she died recently and I would give anything to hear her voice asking how I am, where I am and if dh and children are ok! Let your mum know stop her from worrying.

lettie9 · 19/07/2021 07:33

Genuine question - lots of posters are saying 'it's annoying to you now but you'll miss it when she's gone'.

I mentioned my (controlling, highly anxious, not close) mum saying similar to me in a post once on the Relationships board, and posters (from stately homes threads) said this was a toxic thing for a parent to say to a child.

Thoughts?

DarceyDashwood · 19/07/2021 07:35

I always text my mum to say “boarding now” and “just landed” etc and she always does the same for me!

workwoes123 · 19/07/2021 07:47

YANBU, OP. But I don’t live in the same country as my mum, we speak maybe every couple of weeks by phone, there is no text reception where she lives and she doesn’t have a smartphone! So no I don’t feel any need to tell her when we’ve arrived / left places that she’s not involved in. I might send her a picture etc of our campsite once it’s set up but that’s so she can tell me how I should have done it better 🙄😂

When she was younger she was a lot more anxious and controlling with it. I always felt that keeping her updated with the details of my life fed her anxiety. So i stopped doing it. The only time I’d do it now would be travelling home after a holiday with them, to say we’re safe home and thank you for having us.

workwoes123 · 19/07/2021 07:48

I do feel quite strongly that it’s not my job to stop my mother from worrying: that’s her job.

Mersey76 · 19/07/2021 09:03

Giving flight details is fine. I think some posters are not recognising the ‘control’ aspect of your mother’s behaviour. Having to soothe someone’s anxiety is exhausting. I wonder if your mother has ever tried psychotherapy? I have a mother who has tried to exert control over my life to soothe her own extreme anxiety, and this has gone on for decades. When my children were little I took them out for the day and came back to 14 messages on my answering machine, demanding to know where I was, and why wasn’t I answering as she needed to speak to me. That wasn’t because there was an emergency it was just because she wanted to moan about something trivial. It’s exhausting and depressing. Characterising this as ‘caring’ is wrong.
I wish I had distanced myself from it years ago but I didn’t want to upset her. But dealing with someone who doesn’t recognise boundaries is very stressful and gets worse over time. I hope you do not find yourself in the situation I’m in. If you can, have an honest conversation with your mother, and let her know what you will/will not inform her about your life. Good luck.

saraclara · 19/07/2021 09:57

@lettie9

Genuine question - lots of posters are saying 'it's annoying to you now but you'll miss it when she's gone'.

I mentioned my (controlling, highly anxious, not close) mum saying similar to me in a post once on the Relationships board, and posters (from stately homes threads) said this was a toxic thing for a parent to say to a child.

Thoughts?

Your mother saying it to blackmail as control you, is entirely different from people sharing their own experience with you.
MrsMaizel · 19/07/2021 10:17

@lettie9

Genuine question - lots of posters are saying 'it's annoying to you now but you'll miss it when she's gone'.

I mentioned my (controlling, highly anxious, not close) mum saying similar to me in a post once on the Relationships board, and posters (from stately homes threads) said this was a toxic thing for a parent to say to a child.

Thoughts?

Well that is obviously an exception ! For most of us with normal family relationships it is just a kind and loving thing to do .
lettie9 · 19/07/2021 11:01

Yes I should've thought about who's saying it and to whom. Thank you.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 19/07/2021 11:17

Yeah, my mum does this too, and I'm in my sixties. She's approaching ninety.

She likes us to call on the day we get there, or get back, just to know we're safe. And she likes to look at the map to see where we're going, and all that sort of thing.

She says, "I know it's silly, dear, but frankly I have very little else to do."

Fine by me. I expect I'll be the same if I make it to her age.

Nearly47 · 19/07/2021 11:22

She is probably anxious like most mums but updating her all the time won't help her anxiety. I would stop providing the updates. She needs to allow you to detach properly. It won't stop any tragedy from happening. It's not healthy