Or is my mother re: updating her on our travels

[noworklifebalance]

My mother expects us to let her know when we have arrived at our holiday destination and when we have returned home - whether this is abroad or in the UK.
If going abroad she likes to know our flight details and where we are staying.
I sort of understand the flight details - occasionally there are tragedies and it must be horrific not to know whether loved ones where on the flight.

However, I find the whole thing frustrating, perhaps irrationally so, hence my AIBU?

For context, I am married with 2 children and have lived away from my parents for nearly 20 years.
My mother also worries if I haven’t rung or messaged her for a few days/week - “anything may have happened to me”. My answer that my DH will let her know if that this was the case or it’ll have to be the police if we are all wiped out, didn’t go down well(!).

My mother always texts me and I always text my mum, we always have each other's itinerary, where we are staying and flight details. It's nothing to do with anxiety it's just that if anything does happen we know where people are

@sweetheartyparty

One day she won't be here so make the most of it whilst you can.

*This

@Justforphoto, if not anxiety why the need to know where you are all the time?
I am training myself to allow my kids to be free of my worries once they are adults. I know I will still worry but I don't think is good to burden them with that.

25 years ago my sister got married and went off on her honeymoon (surprise destination organised by her husband) 4 days later our dad died suddenly! We had no idea where they were or how to contact them (mother said we needed to let her know as funeral was in Ireland and, as is the custom, would take place within 3 - 4 days and mother wanted to give her the option to try to be there) I phoned every travel agent in the phone book in our town until I found the one who they had booked with! It was a very stressful job at a VERY stressful time. I wouldn't go anywhere now without letting family members know how to contact me in an emergency.

@Tigerstotty

25 years ago my sister got married and went off on her honeymoon (surprise destination organised by her husband) 4 days later our dad died suddenly! We had no idea where they were or how to contact them (mother said we needed to let her know as funeral was in Ireland and, as is the custom, would take place within 3 - 4 days and mother wanted to give her the option to try to be there) I phoned every travel agent in the phone book in our town until I found the one who they had booked with! It was a very stressful job at a VERY stressful time. I wouldn't go anywhere now without letting family members know how to contact me in an emergency.

Now we have mobiles. You would have 2 adults with mobiles.

People need to atop comparing now and 25+ years ago. It's very different. 25 years ago I would find it very difficult to skype (i know it wasn't even invented then, just an example) my mum whenever, wherever not worrying about data and so on.

Poor Mum. Wasting her love on a child while cant let her know shes safe! Bloody hell.

YANBU, a quick text saying we've arrived safely is the most I will do, I don't send my travel itinerary.

I doubt she would expect it from an adult son, it's just more ridiculous policing of women.

My son, my best friend and I all do this, partly because we all live alone.

If my son is visiting me and his friends in our home town he will let me know when he gets off the train so I know he's arrived safely and also when he gets back home after our visits.

My best friend and I do it when we visit each other, we let the other know we've made it home safely even though we're only 20 miles apart and the same if we go anywhere on holiday we'll let each other know that we've arrived at our destination and again when we get home.

I know it's different for us because we all live alone but it puts people's minds at rest and besides, what does it take to drop a quick message saying 'arrived safely'?

My point being it is VERY easy these days to let someone know you are ok or your whereabouts! Why would you want to encourage anxiety and stress to your loved ones? Just send a quick text - easy!

Maybe it encourages anxiety & stress to always notify, to feel that notification is expected or required.

The one thing I believe I understand about anxiety is that more information never satisfies it.

If my mother was alive today to use WhatsApp I'd be bombarded with so many extra messages about how much she hated my dad. And she'd have so much more info about any time I spent with him that would feed her resentments. Neither good.

@ragged

Information can work either way but in the theoretical case of your mother, you wouldn't have to tell her every time you went somewhere or even say with whom, you could also ignore messages about how much she hated your dad.

Basically, if someone is interested to know whether you've arrived somewhere safely, I see no reason why you wouldn't let them know.

I think OP is being asked to feel obliged to proactively inform her parent?

That means it becomes OP's responsibility to remember to keep parent informed about OP's movements at times that OP is supposed to figure out her parent wants to know. As if going on holiday while in charge of children wasn't complicated enough.

I think YABU OP. 2 second job to let someone know you have arrived safely. I location share with my mum when doing a long journey... I don't want my poor mum worrying about me and as I have nothing to hide from her its no skin off my nose! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can't write a text in 2 seconds.
Come to think of it, my dad doesn't read texts. Or WhatsApp (which he does use for video calls). He is scared of Facebook.
If he did want me to check in (thank goodness he doesn't) -- would have to be an in person call. Nothing else would reach him.

@ragged

I think OP is being asked to feel obliged to proactively inform her parent?

That means it becomes OP's responsibility to remember to keep parent informed about OP's movements at times that OP is supposed to figure out her parent wants to know. As if going on holiday while in charge of children wasn't complicated enough.

I think that's partly my bug bear - I arrive and I can't even look at the place until I've found my phone and messaged. I want to enjoy my arrival with my family not messaging my mum right now because if I don't i'll forget and she'll ruin the trip. I've taken to texting 5 mins before I arrive. It's more than care with my mum. It's incredibly anxious catastrophising over every little thing. Every 20 min car journey, every activity the kids do might end in death. Questioning my judgement in case any of us are in (virtually non existent) life threatening danger. The arrival texts just push me over the edge, I think.

Be grateful someone loves you x

You are lucky to have her so no it's not unreasonable to take a few seconds to reassure her you're safe as she cares for you as much now. ❤

I know what you mean, but at the same time it’s not a lot of effort to send a quick message. The flip side is, if you make it “standard” that you message, then the other person is more likely to worry if you forget!

Generally I agree that you’d only send those “arrived” messages to a member of your own household - and of course covid has made it clear to us all that your household is a very limited number and doesn’t include your parents

If you realise that she is using this as an excuse to hear from you, does it not become less of a burden and more an easy thing to do?

I think yabu but then I'm 28 and still panic if my mum doesn't message me for 2 days.

I like to know she's safe.

How often do you go away that this is an issue?