Or is my mother re: updating her on our travels

[noworklifebalance]

My mother expects us to let her know when we have arrived at our holiday destination and when we have returned home - whether this is abroad or in the UK.
If going abroad she likes to know our flight details and where we are staying.
I sort of understand the flight details - occasionally there are tragedies and it must be horrific not to know whether loved ones where on the flight.

However, I find the whole thing frustrating, perhaps irrationally so, hence my AIBU?

For context, I am married with 2 children and have lived away from my parents for nearly 20 years.
My mother also worries if I haven’t rung or messaged her for a few days/week - “anything may have happened to me”. My answer that my DH will let her know if that this was the case or it’ll have to be the police if we are all wiped out, didn’t go down well(!).

I think maybe it's different for those of us with over-anxious DPs, as it starts to get intrusive. I often don't tell my DM things as I know I'll have to cope with her anxiety. Probably in "normal" families it's not a disaster if you're an hour late or so texting because you've got caught up with something, whereas for some of us if we don't do it at the first opportunity it's expected there's a whole lot of catastrophising, and it's that that's exhausting.

I always let my mum know. She'd worry otherwise and actually, over the years I have realised it's nice that she wants to know.

At least you can just text too. My mum used to trudge out to a phone box wherever we were staying in the 80s to call my Gran, who was highly anxious and literally wouldn't have slept otherwise.

I am on the other side of this argument . I have family that does this a lot. Used to phone home from Spanish telephones boxes and ask boring questions about the weather.
I find it tedious and small minded , especially in this day and age of easy communication .

Just don't like oversharing.

a quick text takes 20 seconds. It relieves her mind. And, in the circumstances you are talking about, it is perfectly reasonable, and the courteous thing to do, since she frets. AND, what if something happened to her while you were on holiday, and no one could reach you?

However, mine went a few miles further down that road...she wanted me to call her every time I left the house for more than two hours...and I was 45 years old and lived 450 miles away. THAT was a bit much. Needless to say, I did not, and often received hysterical phone calls when I got home from a day out with friends. LOL, that's also why I resisted getting a cell phone for so long!

YABU. My mother still worries about me and I am middle aged. It’s no harm telling her details for her piece of mind

@TabbyStar and @TheGlassBlowersDaughter

I think you are both right. Part of the problem is my mother can be hypercritical (not of holidays), which doesn’t make me want to tell her about what’s going on in my life.
I have told her this and she says she can’t change so that’s that then.
She is very helpful in many ways and for that I am so lucky.

I have never understood this either OP.

As another pp said ‘if something happens they will find out anyway’ 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

My mum demanded the same stuff. I used to put up with it. She is a very twisted person who wasn't doing it for my safety, but on the off chance something happened she could do her faux concern bollocks sooner rather than waiting for someone official.

She used to blame it on her anxiety. I challenged her asking her how this helped her anxiety? Asked how it helped my anxiety?

Travelling stressful as it is without having to remember to call/text all the time. Do you really think I have nothing to do but to constantly update you several times a week?

How comes it's me that has to do all the work, if you really gave a flying fuck you would be contacting me.

Only you know the full extent of how she is. Growing up and beyond can be very hard in working out if things are normal or toxic until you start to really look.

Not unusual. It means she cares. If that is the extent of it, I would humour her.

Can you agree a code text? Eg a thumbs up and nothing more - takes a second to send and she gets what she needs to relax.

We would automatically let them know and they would call us if they went away. Pretty normal thing to do.

My mum was the same, then she died suddenly. I had to have the conversation in my head for a long time.

Unless there is an enormous backstory, no, she's being perfectly normal.

They're not remotely 'anxious parents,' either.

Honestly - you should see what my parents are like, and you would be thanking your lucky stars.

When I'm away I am always sending my mum and dad photos on whatsapp, we even talk to each other on the phone to tell them about the holiday. My dad is a real foodie and loves to travel so he likes the updates. I don't put it all on facebook. They always know when I'm coming home, where I'm flying from and what time. They don't demand to know it just comes up in conversation either from me or them.

@Mamanyt

a quick text takes 20 seconds. It relieves her mind. And, in the circumstances you are talking about, it is perfectly reasonable, and the courteous thing to do, since she frets. AND, what if something happened to her while you were on holiday, and no one could reach you?

However, mine went a few miles further down that road...she wanted me to call her every time I left the house for more than two hours...and I was 45 years old and lived 450 miles away. THAT was a bit much. Needless to say, I did not, and often received hysterical phone calls when I got home from a day out with friends. LOL, that's also why I resisted getting a cell phone for so long!

I have said a few times, including in the OP, that I understand the flight/going abroad thing and have always passed on details.

I have also mentioned that she is like this even if we are driving 2h away in the UK for a break or even if it is a normal week at work.
It’d be different if I lived on my own but I don’t.

I always give my parents a full list of where we’ll be on holiday.
I was in America on 9/11 and my mam knew exactly where we were, rang me and ended up rearranging all our flights etc. as I couldn’t get anything done over there.

angeltop

Just wait until your children are adults, then you'll understand. YABVU.

My friend received a random call from Australia because his mum had collapsed whilst on holiday. It was hard to follow and he didn't have enough detail for some time. He then had to organise getting his family out to Oz, as she was really ill. Basic contact info would have been helpful. I don't think it's unreasonable.

Letting family know we have arrived safely is standard for us anytime someone travels far enough to stay overnight.

It may be because distances in Canada are so far. We traveled to see my sister for the first time since the pandemic started this past week. Six hour drive on busy highways.

The last thing she said when we left was please text when you are home. She does the same for us.

When our parents were alive we always let them know. They let one of us "kids" know and we passed it along (pre text days).

It is out of love and not wanting family to worry. Think of it that way OP.

As far as being critical, my Mom in particular was doom and gloom about travel. A real homebody. One of my favourites was, "You will get bed bugs". I just ignored it.

My DH's mum worries so much that it often feels like it stops us enjoying our holidays as we're bombarded with messages, and then phone calls if we don't reply in time - and FIL has told us she stays up all night watching flight trackers if we go abroad. I think it's excessive (though I do empathise with her anxiety) and unfortunately has led to both her DCs often not telling her that they're going away at all.

I agree with @lettie9. It is wearing and exhausting. My mother doesn’t do texting either. I travel a lot for work, I don’t want to have to call her after a long night flight, I want to have a shower and go to bed, rather than hear her wittering about what the weather was like or what the food was like on Ethiopian Airways or whatever.

Mine is also the same if I travel in U.K. And I get “Ooh I didn’t know if anything had happened or if you were in hospital or something.” It is draining.

she cares about you and you sound ungrateful

If she is hyper critical of you, just say each time she asks for hotel details "no, I won't give you the details because you are hyper critical". Repeat over and over again. Each time. Until she gets the message that her behaviour has consequences. That her behaviour, is the reason she won't know.