Or is my mother re: updating her on our travels

[noworklifebalance]

My mother expects us to let her know when we have arrived at our holiday destination and when we have returned home - whether this is abroad or in the UK.
If going abroad she likes to know our flight details and where we are staying.
I sort of understand the flight details - occasionally there are tragedies and it must be horrific not to know whether loved ones where on the flight.

However, I find the whole thing frustrating, perhaps irrationally so, hence my AIBU?

For context, I am married with 2 children and have lived away from my parents for nearly 20 years.
My mother also worries if I haven’t rung or messaged her for a few days/week - “anything may have happened to me”. My answer that my DH will let her know if that this was the case or it’ll have to be the police if we are all wiped out, didn’t go down well(!).

@loveyouradvice

Just wondering.... why does texting every few days feel too much???

Two thoughts -

1. She clearly wants this and it would cost you little to send a quick text or photo of the kids with a comment.... perhaps try this and see what happens... she may relax... and you may find a warmer relationship especially if you choose to do something like share appreciating something in your day in your text.. enabling her to see the good stuff, even a great cup of coffee in your life
2. What do you want to model to your children about the kind of relationship you would like them to have with you as their mother?

I would happily chat about my day, tell her all the small and big things but they are either met with ambivalence or criticism. It really is hard work and coupled with what I presume is anxiety then it makes it difficult to communicate. Having said that, I do let her know if we are going away and when we get there/return.

Re: my children - I try to parent differently in this respect but no doubt will make mistakes, too. However, I hope if they ever pointed that out to me how I was pushing them away I will try to change my ways.

My mum is the same about holidays. I find it completely annoying but have found the easiest thing to do is just text her. Takes 30 seconds and then I don't need to think about it again.

Non issue. YABU. Just put the poor woman’s mind at rest. It’s hardly difficult.

Ps. I have also found since I just gave up and started doing it that she fusses/stresses less in general about me.
Sometimes it's genuinely just easier to do these little things that they want, and it makes for a peaceful life.

Thank you all for your responses - I get IABU, which is why I do always send them our flight details.
Although, I don’t necessarily understand for a trip within UK - I do mention it as a matter of course in a conversation but don’t see the need for departure dates etc if we are just going to go to Norfolk from London, for example. Or even to have to check in to say I am fine every couple of days when just going to and from work (and neither of us live alone) - totally understand if one of us did.

Incidentally, no they don’t always send us flight or hotel details.

I would happily chat about my day, tell her all the small and big things but they are either met with ambivalence or criticism. It really is hard work and coupled with what I presume is anxiety then it makes it difficult to communicate

and here is the backstory

I actually mentioned it several posts ago, perhaps my second post . It was after a pp mentioned their overly critical parent and I recognised that. Others have also described anxiety in their parents, which also rang true.

I have never done this and just wouldn't. I'm an adult. I'd tell her I won't bother telling her I'm going on holiday if she's going to fuss. I tend not to discuss my holiday details with my dad, mainly because he's usually more interested in telling me his news. I hate being fussed over. Often places I go have poor wifi anyway. My son goes on holidays without telling me. That's fine, he's a grown up now.

I what's app my dad screen shots 🤷‍♀️

@Highfive2021

Sounds like she cares to me.

Absolutely this. Do you have kids OP? My mum said to me it doesn't matter if I'm 6, 16 or 56, I'm her child and she loves me and will worry.

So I literally text "arrived x" and "home x" when I travel. I have often text more. But if I'm exhausted then it's the least I can do.

I can't see how it's so difficult for you to forward an email with flight details and say that you've arrived at destination and at home. I feel sorry for your mum and you sound a little uncaring

@GintyMcGinty

YABU to begrudge your mother a text message so she doesn't worry about you.

This ^

Said much more eloquently that me!

One day, your children will live independently of you, and you will long to know their whereabouts 24/7. Give your mother a break!

I have an anxious and hyper-critical parent so I get it - I limit conversation with her a bit to avoid feeding the spiralling.

If you text her twice a week to say you're fine and just check in, then the next time you go 3 days without doing so then she'll be asking why it's not every other day, and then every day... at least, in my experience that's what would happen.

You validate her 'well you should be checking in X amount'.

I've managed to get my mum to accept that if there's an emergency I'll call her, and otherwise I am fine and phone calls are for catchups when I/she feels like it, not to appease her anxiety. It works well now (and because she's not waiting for thrice weekly calls to tell her I'm alive, she's not worrying about it as much apparently) but it took some time!

I don't understand the travel anxiety. I'm far more likely to get killed going for a bike ride. I used to get anxious when my soncwent on kayaking river trips as he was usually the most experienced kayaker there. I didn't ask him to phone me after every trip though. It would have felt intrusive and controlling, plus he rarely took his mobile and they tended to camp in the middle of nowhere.
Our family keep in touch via WhatsApp but we just post when we feel like it and no-one is gagging for an update imagining doom and gloom every time the other family members leave their houses. It sounds a bit agoraphobic.

We have come away (UK break) today and mil text asking if we were there yet before we had even left 😂 then told me to let her know when we get here.

I just keep it simple and don't tell my parents I'm going on holiday until I get back. That way it's zero stress for them and no annoyance for me.

@Soontobe60

One day, your children will live independently of you, and you will long to know their whereabouts 24/7. Give your mother a break!

Do you have independent children? Or are you just imagining what it may feel like? Because I can assure you this is not remotely typical or healthy.

@Feather12
I have 2 adult children. Why is it unhealthy to want to know where my children are? That doesn’t mean I stalk them or want to know every last detail of their lives! If they are doing something different, like going away for a couple of days, they usually tell me - we have a WhatsApp group and share stuff like that!

How is it healthy to long to know where they are 24/7? Surely good, loving parenting is about trusting them and learning to let go?

Wow yadbu. She cares and wants to makes sure you are safe. It's normal and most people do this

Being interested is different to demanding phone calls and texts. It sounds as though some people have the dangers of leaving your house completely out of proportion. It's also very self centred in a " you may be going on a nice holiday but I want you to keep thinking about me and text me when I want so I don't feel left out and have some control" sort of way. I think I would have had a poorer relationship with my family if they had behaved like that and ended up telling them nothing

Most people I know don't do this

Gosh if my mum travels anywhere I watch out and hang on for the safe arrival text. I do update her too. Ott to done maybe but we're closer and like to know each other arrived safely.

@Feather12

How is it healthy to long to know where they are 24/7? Surely good, loving parenting is about trusting them and learning to let go?

I do trust them, I have let go. They are my children. Why would I not be interested in where they were or what they were doing? Seems weird to me that you think it’s unhealthy. What sort of relationship do you have with your children? (assuming you have them). We don’t live in each other’s pockets, don’t live in the same town - in fact we moved further away from them 4 years ago. I’d never dream of just turning up at their houses. I find it very sad that some people on here clearly find their mother an annoyance.

@Feather12

How is it healthy to long to know where they are 24/7? Surely good, loving parenting is about trusting them and learning to let go?

In fact, reading through your comment again I find it to be nasty and uncalled for. You’re basically saying I’m not a good, loving parent. Talk about being judgemental.