Page 9 | Adult stepson & summer hols

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 2021-07-17T08:43:16+00:00

Posted in step parenting but didn't get any replies so taking my life into my hands here.... SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive. A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all. Are we being unfair on him?

Blossomtoes · 17/07/2021 21:27

I’m 30 too so hardly grew up in other times

I guessed as much. Your kids will be 20 one day - try and remember what you said on this thread. I guarantee you’ll squirm.

CastawayQueen · 17/07/2021 21:30

Presumably if your DH hasn’t met and married you he’s have a place of his own - with room for his son? Are you miffed that you somehow improved his standard of living but still have to give way?

Nanny0gg · 18/07/2021 11:22

@Crankley

Gosh you're brave, OP. Stepmothers on here are always treated as if they are evil and hateful, especially by the women whose DHs/DPs left them for other women who then become stepmothers to their children.

I wouldn't have a 20 year old laybout in my house. He either gets a job or you place a list on his door of his housekeeping duties and no more lifts to and fro. With any luck he will go and live with his mother.

Well, you're a peach...

(And I'm not a stepmum)

Nanny0gg · 18/07/2021 11:28

[quote chocolatesaltyballs22]@cadburyegg that's not how things happened. I only recently found out that I was going to WFH full time permanently. DH checked with SS whether he was coming home for summer and he said no. So I decided I would have the room as my office. Then SS changed his mind this week before I'd had a chance to move my stuff in.

My DH comes from a family where on coming home the first Xmas after starting uni, his parents had already repurposed his room. He never went home in the holidays and he was fine with this.[/quote]
Well, you don't go home if you're not welcome

Why ask OP?

Both you and his father don't appear to want him back

Just tell him

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2021 11:29

Well, you're a peach... (And I'm not a step mum)

I agree - and I am. These threads make me understand why my stepkids think they’ve landed on their feet.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/07/2021 11:29

@CastawayQueen

Presumably if your DH hasn’t met and married you he’s have a place of his own - with room for his son? Are you miffed that you somehow improved his standard of living but still have to give way?

Erm no?? I made the point about it being my house as someone wrongly assumed that my husband had 'put a roof over mine and my kids heads.' Because apparently it's impossible for a woman to be financially independent and not need a man to support her.

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Ideasplease322 · 18/07/2021 11:43

OP you see parenthood, step parenthood, young adult life and university differently than a lot of people on this thread.

You seem to have expectations and what you people will do at university based on some crap treatment of your husband by your parents.

Did you go to university? If so what did you do in the holidays? Your experiences and expectations seem quite different from the majority of people, and to be honest come across as quite cold.

What happens when all your daughters friends return home in the summer of second year? Will she get the vibe from you that her time is the nest is up and therefore she should stay solo in the student house in a quiet uni town somewhere? Are you complaining to her now about how unusual it is that her step brother wants to come home, therefore laying the ground work for the nudge out of the house before her 20thbirthday?

I suppose everyone is different, but I would have been heartbroken if my parents took this attitude. As I said upthread, everyone came home to my small hometown in the summer holidays, bars were jammed, part time jobs became hard to get, lots of middle aged parents complaining about their hungover grown up kids lying about the house!

aSofaNearYou · 18/07/2021 11:56

@Ideasplease322

OP you see parenthood, step parenthood, young adult life and university differently than a lot of people on this thread.

You seem to have expectations and what you people will do at university based on some crap treatment of your husband by your parents.

Did you go to university? If so what did you do in the holidays? Your experiences and expectations seem quite different from the majority of people, and to be honest come across as quite cold.

What happens when all your daughters friends return home in the summer of second year? Will she get the vibe from you that her time is the nest is up and therefore she should stay solo in the student house in a quiet uni town somewhere? Are you complaining to her now about how unusual it is that her step brother wants to come home, therefore laying the ground work for the nudge out of the house before her 20thbirthday?

I suppose everyone is different, but I would have been heartbroken if my parents took this attitude. As I said upthread, everyone came home to my small hometown in the summer holidays, bars were jammed, part time jobs became hard to get, lots of middle aged parents complaining about their hungover grown up kids lying about the house!

Whilst I do agree that it is normal for students to come back at 20, I really think comments like this are ignoring the context of him not pulling his weight when he comes back. I had an older sister with the same age gap who was like this and yes, my mum did complain to me about what she was like when she came back from the holidays. I don't think she was wrong to do so, and I don't think it's entirely wrong for them to start feeling touches of being unwelcome when they are behaving like that. They need a reality check to shake them into realising they need to start acting like respectful fellow adults when they come back.

TheTeenageYears · 18/07/2021 11:56

I've been really surprised this year that a few of DS's year have decided to stay at uni as they move from halls to own accommodation- it really isn't the norm in my experience. These are really difficult times for everyone @chocolatesaltyballs22. WFH is throwing up some curve balls and it's going to take a certain level of compromise from everyone to keep the peace. If DSS has a room at his Mum's which isn't required for either another child or WFH (they have to be the priority as opposed to say a dressing room or hobby room) then can you have an adult conversation about how you will always be happy to see him but under the current circumstances you really need a permanent place to work so as he has a dedicated room at his mum's would it be okay for him to sleep on an air bed when he stays with you.

Even the most self absorbed of young people have some understanding of the current situation and that him having a room at uni, a room at mum's and a room at Dad's is a bit of a stretch when you have to work from your bedroom which is affecting work & sleep. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Have you tried talking to him?

Ideasplease322 · 18/07/2021 11:59

Oh no absolutely the lazy sod needs to grow up. I was more referring to the expectation from OP that her daughter won’t come home in the summer after first year either.

OP seems to think it’s unusual that university students come home in summer. Which is the exact opposite of my experience.

aSofaNearYou · 18/07/2021 12:01

@Ideasplease322

Oh no absolutely the lazy sod needs to grow up. I was more referring to the expectation from OP that her daughter won’t come home in the summer after first year either.

OP seems to think it’s unusual that university students come home in summer. Which is the exact opposite of my experience.

It's wrapped up together though in reality, isn't it. I agree that it is normal for them to come home, but it's also more normal for the parents to get fed up with that when they're acting like they're still 14/lazy sods.

MarianneUnfaithful · 18/07/2021 12:05

I think more students are staying in their ‘next term’ Uni flats as they have been so restricted and in many cases spent January onwards living at home when they would otherwise have been at Uni.

jagoda · 18/07/2021 12:07

I think a lot of posters have missed the bit where OP says she doesn't want DSS to work because DH is CEV.

I do think he should be pulling his weight at home though - and his dad needs to tell him.

However, this all appears to be about OP deliberately converting DSS bedroom into her office at the point where he is potentially coming back from uni. You have coped this long OP - you really can't manage for a few months until he goes back?

aSofaNearYou · 18/07/2021 12:14

@jagoda

I think a lot of posters have missed the bit where OP says she doesn't want DSS to work because DH is CEV.

I do think he should be pulling his weight at home though - and his dad needs to tell him.

However, this all appears to be about OP deliberately converting DSS bedroom into her office at the point where he is potentially coming back from uni. You have coped this long OP - you really can't manage for a few months until he goes back?

Didn't she say she converted it after he said he wasn't coming back? Not unreasonable. But regardless of that, if I was working from my bedroom all day I would be an emotional wreck, I would find that a really awful experience. So no I couldn't manage for a few months. And it should definitely be her DH who has to do so.

thing47 · 18/07/2021 12:28

SS isn't a layabout for heaven's sake, he's in the middle of a degree. I'm not sure how much evidence there is that he is lazy, he's just on holiday. OK, it's 6 weeks holiday but that's not his fault.

Plus OP admitted he worked last summer, maybe he's been looking this summer too and hasn't found any? It's not always that easy. As long as he's not expecting to be funded isn't it up to him whether he works or not?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/07/2021 13:44

To be honest my main point was that he had grand plans for the summer in his uni town and was looking for work etc. But it turns out that he hasn't been looking at all and has decided to come home for an easy time. We know this for a fact. This is the grown man who had to be asked on multiple occasions last year to rinse his pubes out of the bath after showering.

I find it difficult to welcome a grown up to stay with open arms when he's made zero effort in the past to pull his weight.

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ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/07/2021 13:50

‘Come home for an easy time’

Why shouldn’t he? It’s his home. We all want an easy time at home. He’s working in term time.

Yes, pubes are unpleasant, but ime 19 year olds just don’t think like that. It doesn’t mean he’s lazy.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/07/2021 13:54

Ok then so I'll cook, clean and do laundry for an extra adult and not expect him to lift a finger because he's studying in term time. It's not like I have a demanding full time job or anything 🙄

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CastawayQueen · 18/07/2021 13:58

@chocolatesaltyballs22 so if he was not lazy and pulled his weight you would happily give up your office to be his bedroom?
If you want your office back then it doesn’t matter whether he’s a considerate angel you still wouldn’t want him home anyway.
If he’s feckless you lay ground rules and give consequences when they aren’t met but this and the above (having space for him) are two separate issues.

By conflating them all you just give the impression that you don’t like him and want to be rid of him.

CastawayQueen · 18/07/2021 13:59

Also to add - npbodys making you do all this. Don’t cook. Don’t do his laundry. Who in gods name told you that you have to?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/07/2021 14:00

Mine used to share cooking with us and did their own laundry.

FizziWater · 18/07/2021 14:07

You really don't like this kid do you?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/07/2021 14:10

I get that impression too.

He’s doing nothing terrible, he’s just being a young lad who happens to be in your house, and you resent him.

Does your Dd do cooking/cleaning/ housework?

Our bathroom is always full of random hairs. I just swish them away with the tap. It’s what happens when you share a house. Everyone makes mess.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/07/2021 14:14

Dd left a load of her long curly hair in the bath after her midnight shower last night.

I could have gone into her room and screamed at her at 9.00am. Big l just turned on the shower and they went. No big deal.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/07/2021 14:17

Why are you cleaning up after adult kids? I'm not suggesting you scream at them. I'm saying they should be doing it themselves. I make my own daughter clean up after herself.

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