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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult stepson & summer hols

267 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 09:43

Posted in step parenting but didn't get any replies so taking my life into my hands here....

SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive.

A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all.

Are we being unfair on him?

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/07/2021 16:06

*lived at home while at uni so a bit different but I think the starting point to your conversations is that, yes, although he's welcome to visit and his bed is still there, you will be (compulsorily) working from home in his room from X o clock to Y and so he will need to think about how he is going to get around and fill his days when he is home.

I'd go from there then tbh- if he comes up with constructive ways to spend his days while you're both unavailable to butler for him then it would be unreasonable to say no to him. He might amend his plans based on new info, but whatever happens he won't physically be able to laze in his pit or expect much of a taxi service so that's those two problems naturally quite reduced*

How welcoming.

How mean

CastawayQueen · 17/07/2021 16:22

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Do people not see a difference between the fact that I am the resident parent for my daughter, but DH is not RP for his son? I just seriously wonder why a 20 year old needs a room in two houses.

My DD goes to uni in Sept. I expect she'll come home the first summer like SS did but when she's 20? Not so much.

‘Resident parent’ just means the home children spend most of their time in (presumably because of proximity to school etc). It doesn’t mean that they don’t belong in rhe ‘non-resident parent’s’ house. A child has two parents. Child has room in houses of both parents at least until they’re finished with full time education. Wasn’t child’s decision to split and it was yours to marry a man with children.
Blossomtoes · 17/07/2021 16:23

This is the third thread I’ve read in as many days where a stepmother doesn’t think her stepchildren merit space in her house. No wonder we step mums have such a bad name. You take on the guy, you take on the kids, OP. He’s put a roof over your kids’ heads.

Timeforanewnamemethinks · 17/07/2021 16:23

Just be honest with him then and tell him he’s not welcome, now he’s 20.
He doesn’t need to be part of your family’s life anymore, and you having a workspace is much more important than him maintaining a relationship with his father and step siblings.
While you’re at it, make sure you tell your daughter too that she’s not allowed home in the holidays past the age of 20 either, start as you mean to go on.

Comeondoit · 17/07/2021 16:25

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Do people not see a difference between the fact that I am the resident parent for my daughter, but DH is not RP for his son? I just seriously wonder why a 20 year old needs a room in two houses.

My DD goes to uni in Sept. I expect she'll come home the first summer like SS did but when she's 20? Not so much.

Poor kids
Timeforanewnamemethinks · 17/07/2021 16:25

@Timeforanewnamemethinks

Just be honest with him then and tell him he’s not welcome, now he’s 20. He doesn’t need to be part of your family’s life anymore, and you having a workspace is much more important than him maintaining a relationship with his father and step siblings. While you’re at it, make sure you tell your daughter too that she’s not allowed home in the holidays past the age of 20 either, start as you mean to go on.
By the way, of course I think YABU
Heyha · 17/07/2021 16:31

He's changed his plans quite dramatically and suddenly and the OP is the one at fault for not reacting quick enough to enable a grown adult to continue living like a child? Ok.

Maybe I've misunderstood to the OP but it would seem that he is welcome to stay but he needs to fit in to the new arrangements, and pull his weight in whatever format that takes, as a 20 year old who was living at home and working would undoubtedly expect to be doing, seems to be the norm when someone posts about their 20somethings living at home?

FrameyMcFrame · 17/07/2021 16:32

My parents have always keep their home open to me. I haven't needed it for over 25 years but knowing it was there for me gave me the confidence to strike out on my own.

This

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 16:36

@Blossomtoes

This is the third thread I’ve read in as many days where a stepmother doesn’t think her stepchildren merit space in her house. No wonder we step mums have such a bad name. You take on the guy, you take on the kids, OP. He’s put a roof over your kids’ heads.
Erm actually I put a roof over his kids heads. It's my house. I love the assumptions on here.
OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/07/2021 16:44

Sc should be welcome in either parents’ house at any age. ANY age.

Young adults often need a bolthole. They should be allowed to live in a house where they are welcome. Not where they are kicked out of a bedroom for an office, or an ideal solution would be to find a job where they have onsite accommodation.

No wonder stepmothers have a bad name.

I have 2 dss and one ds. All came home in the summer and caused no trouble at all. It would have been ludicrous to evict one for an office.

Dh is working from home. He has to use the front room as there is no ‘office’ space.

Blueskythinking123 · 17/07/2021 16:49

My DS has just finished his second year. None of his friends have remained in the uni town, they have all gone home for the summer. His house does not allow you to stay during August, it is part of the tenancy.

I have to work from home and like you I've set up a corner in my bedroom. Is it ideal, no it's not. But there is no way would my DS not have a room to return too.

I also expect him back at the end of the third year while he applies for jobs etc.

If he has a room at his mums, you need to be honest and tell him you don't want him staying and the same goes for all future holidays. I can't imagine that will support his relationship with his dad.

Ohanaa · 17/07/2021 16:51

I’m clearly against the grain here but I don’t understand why at 20 when he has somewhere else to live that he wants to go back to your house. He’s a man at 20. Not a boy.

Doesn’t he have any friends to see where he goes to uni or why doesn’t he actually get a job.

He just wants to come and doss around for 6 weeks and be waited on.

Ohanaa · 17/07/2021 16:52

Tell him you have changed the room to a office space as he wasn’t coming back and he can stay at his mums.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/07/2021 16:52

20 is still young.

cadburyegg · 17/07/2021 16:55

Tell him you have changed the room to a office space as he wasn’t coming back and he can stay at his mums.

Why is the onus always on the mum to do the right thing but it’s ok for the dad not to have him to stay at all over the summer? Hmm

Feedingthebirds1 · 17/07/2021 16:56

@Fairyliz

Ask yourself honestly what would you do if this was your child, then do that.
A lot of posts assuming that this is all OP's doing and she just doesn't want the SS because he's not her son. All missing the OP's comment that her DH - the lad's father - isn't happy about it either.
aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2021 16:57

Why is the onus always on the mum to do the right thing but it’s ok for the dad not to have him to stay at all over the summer?

I would say it definitely isn't ok for the dad to make OP work from the corner of her bedroom as a result, while his work is unaffected.

SpaceshiptoMars · 17/07/2021 17:15

So - the house belongs to the OP, not the lad's father. And yet it is she that has been confined to her bedroom to work for the last year?

Two adults working from home, DSS with other options changes plans suddenly and would like a bedroom?

Wall desk bed/high sleeper desk bed installed in DSS bedroom. Husband agrees work hours with son, wakes son up each day and works from that bedroom. OP works wherever DH currently works and any lifts required are provided by DH.

Sounds fair?

toocold54 · 17/07/2021 17:26

I've thought of doing that but then don't we have the same problem at the next holiday? How long are we expected to keep the room vacant?

Stop thinking too far in the future. Just because you do it this time doesn’t mean it will be the same next holiday or when he’s 30 etc.
A lot of students come home for the holidays so i would be expecting your DD will too.

TankFlyBossW4lk · 17/07/2021 17:32

Do you have any children of your own, OP?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2021 17:33

@TankFlyBossW4lk

Do you have any children of your own, OP?
She’s already clearly said she does. A similar age to her step son.

And what if she didn’t? She’d be more obliged to give up her dedicated work space to accommodate a lazy adult man?

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2021 17:41

@SpaceshiptoMars

So - the house belongs to the OP, not the lad's father. And yet it is she that has been confined to her bedroom to work for the last year?

Two adults working from home, DSS with other options changes plans suddenly and would like a bedroom?

Wall desk bed/high sleeper desk bed installed in DSS bedroom. Husband agrees work hours with son, wakes son up each day and works from that bedroom. OP works wherever DH currently works and any lifts required are provided by DH.

Sounds fair?

Sounds ideal to me!
Ideasplease322 · 17/07/2021 18:02

I’m not being goody but I fascinated by OP’s expectation that her daughter won’t come home to stay in the summer holidays after first year.

This wasn’t my experience at all. Only people with family issues stayed at uni over the holidays, of foreign students who couldn’t afford to go home.

I am remember my home town was flooded every year with all the students back from uni. It was a bit reunion.

OP, did you go to university and if so did you not go home in the summer?

Was my home town and university really odd? Or am I hopelessly out of touch, the student area in the city where I live now is dead during university holidays.

Maybeone · 17/07/2021 18:06

Only people with family issues stayed at uni over the holidays

To be fair, sounds like OPs family does have issues

I remember meeting up in the holidays too @Ideasplease322 , good times

Blossomtoes · 17/07/2021 18:06

Erm actually I put a roof over his kids heads. It's my house. I love the assumptions on here

How very gracious of you. Nonetheless surely you realised they came as a package?