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Original poster

Adult stepson & summer hols

267 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 09:43

Posted in step parenting but didn't get any replies so taking my life into my hands here....

SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive.

A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all.

Are we being unfair on him?

OP posts:
Ohanaa · 17/07/2021 18:07

@cadburyegg

Tell him you have changed the room to a office space as he wasn’t coming back and he can stay at his mums.

Why is the onus always on the mum to do the right thing but it’s ok for the dad not to have him to stay at all over the summer? Hmm

It’s OPs house Hmm

She needs a office.

If his mum can’t have him then he can stay at his uni hall

Ohanaa · 17/07/2021 18:08

@Blossomtoes

Erm actually I put a roof over his kids heads. It's my house. I love the assumptions on here

How very gracious of you. Nonetheless surely you realised they came as a package?

He’s 20 and not 2.

He’s an adult. He has somewhere to stay.

Blossomtoes · 17/07/2021 18:09

Do you have children @Ohanaa? I’m guessing if you do, they’re very young.

Maybeone · 17/07/2021 18:09

If his mum can’t have him then he can stay at his uni hall

Shock
KarlUrbansWife · 17/07/2021 18:09

@Ideasplease322

I’m not being goody but I fascinated by OP’s expectation that her daughter won’t come home to stay in the summer holidays after first year.

This wasn’t my experience at all. Only people with family issues stayed at uni over the holidays, of foreign students who couldn’t afford to go home.

I am remember my home town was flooded every year with all the students back from uni. It was a bit reunion.

OP, did you go to university and if so did you not go home in the summer?

Was my home town and university really odd? Or am I hopelessly out of touch, the student area in the city where I live now is dead during university holidays.

It was the same at my uni, @Ideasplease322, and in my home town.

The vast majority of my friends from home and uni returned to their family home after graduation too. As we live in the SE, London is very commutable so lots stayed until they could afford to buy a house/flat. Their families were happy to have them.

titchy · 17/07/2021 18:13

I love having mine back in the holidays. And after graduating. Sad that some don't Sad

Comeondoit · 17/07/2021 18:14

@titchy

I love having mine back in the holidays. And after graduating. Sad that some don't Sad
Yes, it's really sad OP sees him as a burden.

Says a lot about her

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/07/2021 18:18

I would never hire someone who hadn’t worked in the Summer through University

You're absolutely not alone, and it's something the "Awww, let them relax" folk would do well to remember

cadburyegg · 17/07/2021 18:19

*It’s OPs house hmm

She needs a office.

If his mum can’t have him then he can stay at his uni hall*

I’ve been working in my bedroom in my own house for 15 months now. What, so OP has been wfh in the bedroom for the same length of time but now stepson wants to come back for the summer she’s suddenly decided she needs to have his room?

The fact it’s her house is mostly irrelevant tbh considering she’s married to the stepson’s dad, and he also earns a wage which contributes to the pot.

GreenLakes · 17/07/2021 18:23

Tbh you sound a bit mean to me and trying to make up excuses for him not to come back to what is his home.

On the one hand you’re moaning about him not getting a job, but you’re now complaining about him being a risk to your DH by getting one.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/07/2021 18:25

@cadburyegg that's not how things happened. I only recently found out that I was going to WFH full time permanently. DH checked with SS whether he was coming home for summer and he said no. So I decided I would have the room as my office. Then SS changed his mind this week before I'd had a chance to move my stuff in.

My DH comes from a family where on coming home the first Xmas after starting uni, his parents had already repurposed his room. He never went home in the holidays and he was fine with this.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 17/07/2021 18:29

My DH comes from a family where on coming home the first Xmas after starting uni, his parents had already repurposed his room. He never went home in the holidays and he was fine with this

He’s very unusual then. Twenty odd years ago most people went home in the holidays - just like now. I suppose if you have shit parents as a role model it increases the chances of being a shit parent yourself.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/07/2021 18:32

I would never hire someone who hadn’t worked in the Summer through University

Wonder how my 3 got jobs then?🤔

One in civil service
One a uni lecturer
One works for national media.

titchy · 17/07/2021 18:32

[quote chocolatesaltyballs22]@cadburyegg that's not how things happened. I only recently found out that I was going to WFH full time permanently. DH checked with SS whether he was coming home for summer and he said no. So I decided I would have the room as my office. Then SS changed his mind this week before I'd had a chance to move my stuff in.

My DH comes from a family where on coming home the first Xmas after starting uni, his parents had already repurposed his room. He never went home in the holidays and he was fine with this.[/quote]
It was fairly normal to do that back in the day. These days however they tend to come back home during the holidays. And often once they've graduated till they've got a job and found their feet. I suspect covid has made things worse as they've had a pretty shit time at uni.

It's a pity some see that as a bad thing. You've raised these young people - they're the product of your (literal and metaphorical) labour - why don't you enjoy it when they're back?! Didn't you do a good job?!

thecognoscenti · 17/07/2021 18:33

It's very very normal for students to come home in the summer holidays, OP. You very obviously don't like him, and I hope you don't make that clear to him. I felt a bit lost during the uni holidays and if I'd have been living in a house where I knew I wasn't wanted it would have been very sad. By all means make sure he does his share of the chores but I don't think you'd be reasonable to just pull up the drawbridge and say no, go away, this isn't your home anymore.

Arrivederla · 17/07/2021 18:34

[quote chocolatesaltyballs22]@cadburyegg that's not how things happened. I only recently found out that I was going to WFH full time permanently. DH checked with SS whether he was coming home for summer and he said no. So I decided I would have the room as my office. Then SS changed his mind this week before I'd had a chance to move my stuff in.

My DH comes from a family where on coming home the first Xmas after starting uni, his parents had already repurposed his room. He never went home in the holidays and he was fine with this.[/quote]
Then your dh is a very unusual person.

KarlUrbansWife · 17/07/2021 18:50

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I would never hire someone who hadn’t worked in the Summer through University

Wonder how my 3 got jobs then?🤔

One in civil service
One a uni lecturer
One works for national media.

Agreed. I worked in graduate recruitment for years. Pevious work experience, or lack of it, was not the reason people were unsuccessful during the interview process.
allthegoodusernameshavegone · 17/07/2021 18:52

If it was me, I would welcome him home for the summer but he would need to find a job, why do people think that adults shouldn’t have to work?

saraclara · 17/07/2021 18:56

It's absolutely normal to come home in the uni holidays. I don't know anyone in either of my DD's friendship groups who didn't.

The last-minute decision is trying though. And he has a room at his mother's. Your mistake was not getting the room converted quickly enough.

How long have you been his SM? If not long, and combined with the house being yours, I have a bit more sympathy with you than some. But if for some time, even though you own the house I'd be a bit concerned that you were shutting him out.

I would mention his dad being CV though. And that you're both concerned about his social life putting his dad at risk. That's slightly less of an argument than it would be if you didn't have an 18 year old daughter in the house though, who presumably hangs out with her mates in crowded places too.

Thingsthatgo · 17/07/2021 19:06

I felt so sad for my uni mates who didn’t feel welcome at home over the holidays. Often I’d ask them to come and stay with my family, who would welcome them into our home.
Although I loved uni I also loved going home for holiday. I didn’t get a job (but I didn’t ask my parents for money either). I did some chores at home, but otherwise I went out in the evenings and slept much of the day.

bakingdemon · 17/07/2021 19:41

If he comes, then your DH needs to make clear that it can't be a repeat of last summer. He has to get a job and he has to help out. And you leave your DH to have those conversations.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 17/07/2021 19:43

I wonder if your DH was really okay with it. Doesn't seem like he had much choice. Usually we want better for our kids than we had for ourselves.

Wavingwillowtree · 17/07/2021 19:52

I always found applicants who didn’t have any work experience / holiday jobs easy to remove from the interview pile - if there were loads of applicants.

So many life and work skills to be learnt from the smallest of jobs imho.

MzHz · 17/07/2021 20:16

Move your h to the bedroom to work, you take downstairs.

I am usually team step mum, but I do think you’re being mean here. There are a gazillion options available before you say ‘no room for you here’

Ohanaa · 17/07/2021 21:17

@Blossomtoes

Do you have children *@Ohanaa*? I’m guessing if you do, they’re very young.
Yes I do.

I also moved out before 20 And didn’t go back
Home like a child wanting to be waited on. I had a mortgage by 23 too.

I’m 30 too so hardly grew up in other times.

He said he wasn’t coming. It’s OPs house. She needs a office. He’s an adult.