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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woke up to two grown men sleeping in my toddlers bedroom

296 replies

Mama1993 · 17/07/2021 08:50

They are friends btw and my toddler is with his g/parents.

However... This is the story...

We had some friends staying over last night who we haven't seen in a long time, they live abroad and wanted to see us before they caught a flight tomorrow. We have a sofa bed so no problem.

We had some drinks in our garden in the evening with a few other close friends - we are a group of about 8 and it was a proper catch up sort of thing. The plan was to then go to the pub for dinner around the corner.

side note: I have a four week old and am breastfeeding so I personally am not doing any heavy drinking.

I left the pub earlier than everyone but I said to my husband that I didn't mind if everyone wanted to come back for a drink or two (this is where I clearly went wrong)

To cut a long story short they ended up having a bit of a party downstairs, lots of drinking until late and lots of shouting. I'm not that annoyed about the loudness because it didn't actually keep me or my baby up

But when I woke up this morning I went in to my toddlers room to find our other friend (who has his own house in the same city) asleep on the floor and HIS friend who I don't know and only met the night before asleep in my son's bed!

My husband said they could so I can't be annoyed with them too much but AIBU to be annoyed with my husband?? I know I said they could all come back for a drink but we aren't students and I didnt expect that to be misconstrued as anyone can stay over....

I've been miffed this morning and my husband has just as rude back to me saying I should get off my high horse for doing the glasses before him etc... Maybe he has a point? I just think it's a bit inappropriate seeing as we have a newborn...

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 17/07/2021 10:04

Frankly, I think you opened the door to this, you saw how much they were drinking and invite them to come for more after the pub?

That’s the sort of thing you don’t do when you have small children in the house and know how much your friends drink.

ParkheadParadise · 17/07/2021 10:07

That wouldn't bother me.

Think we all have woke up in a friends, child's bed at some point clutching a teddy bear 🐻 and wondering how we got there.🍷🍷

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 17/07/2021 10:09

It's a bit of a non-story. If you have friends over and they drink, there's always going to be a likelihood of people 'crashing' wherever they can. It would have been entirely different if your toddler had been in the room too though!

Cailin66 · 17/07/2021 10:10

I hit YANBU now changed to YABU because I thought from the over the top title your toddler was in the bedroom and instead was at the grandparents house. I don’t see what the issue here is at all. Your husband and friends had fun, so what.

AhNowTed · 17/07/2021 10:10

@ParkheadParadise

That wouldn't bother me.

Think we all have woke up in a friends, child's bed at some point clutching a teddy bear 🐻 and wondering how we got there.🍷🍷

😂😂 many a time!

ilovepuppies2019 · 17/07/2021 10:10

I'm surprised at the number people who would be okay with this. The toddler wasn't there but the newborn was. Was the baby with you all night OP? I presume so, if the baby had spent time in a separate room then I would be really upset with DH as you never know. I would also be very upset at the lack of privacy while you're breastfeeding. You deserve d notice and the chance to say no to this. YANBU.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 17/07/2021 10:14

I'd hate that.

More to the point I'd be raging that they might have broken the bed?! A grown man is not supposed to fit in a toddler bed - make sure to check the slats to make sure none of them have snapped. Also what if they were sick on the floor, or wet the bed, it's just not very nice for your little boy. He doesn't want a nasty, dirty drunk bloke sleeping in his sheets - they'd be boiled washed immediately.

I also don't like the idea of a guy you don't know sleeping in your house. You have no idea what kind of drunk he is, what if he got aggressive?!

To you and the newborn I find it disrespectful.

This might seem odd to some but I grew up in a house where drunken debauchery was common and I hated it. I can still smell stale alcohol in my childhood bedroom. Not nice, not good.

Hopdathelf · 17/07/2021 10:15

Was the baby with you all night OP? I presume so,

She’s four weeks postpartum. Aren’t babies in the room with parents until about six months?

Yaya26 · 17/07/2021 10:17

@Crockof

He didn't disturb you or the newborn, it was unusual (I assume as friends from abroad) its been a crap year and you said he should come back (although it's his house as well I assume?) Yabu
Second this. It's a rarity. Think we'd all enjoy a catch up with friends. Get DH to sort room. X
NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 17/07/2021 10:17

I'm surprised how many people would be fine with this. I wouldn't want some drunk bloke I didn't know sleeping in my child's bed either, especially without discussion in advance. Urgh.

Terhou · 17/07/2021 10:19

@Mama1993

The issue was that my newborn is and I wasn't expecting such a party/random guy I don't really know staying over
How is he a random guy you don't really know when you say the group were close friends?
Geamhradh · 17/07/2021 10:20

[quote Fiddliestofsticks]@Geamhradh

I do women no favours by accepting science?
The OP is teaching the stage were hones are settling down after birth. That comes hand in hand with feeling more protective and worried about the baby, especially baby being around other people. A serious reaction to the hormonal change is called post partum depression and can swing from not even wanting to shower because you dont want to put your baby down all the way to not even wanting to look at your baby.
A not serious reaction, just the standard hormone settling down phase, can make you more wary, more easily upset about things which you perceive to affect your baby etc. Its something every female body will go through a few weeks after birth and we all react differently to it.[/quote]
Yes, I know about hormones, ta.
It's the twee language and using them as an excuse that irritates.
Plus, y'know, going out with her husband and his mates and not having a problem with some of them sleeping over kind of negates the protective maternal thing.

Terhou · 17/07/2021 10:21

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair

I'm surprised how many people would be fine with this. I wouldn't want some drunk bloke I didn't know sleeping in my child's bed either, especially without discussion in advance. Urgh.
But it isn't someone OP doesn't know. Quote:

We had some drinks in our garden in the evening with a few other close friends - we are a group of about 8 and it was a proper catch up sort of thing.

Fiddliestofsticks · 17/07/2021 10:24

Oh, so if someone is willing to go out for a short time, they then lose all rights to have a boundary?

The OP invited their actual friend to stay over. I've got kids. I'm happy for actually friends I know to stay over. What happened is the husband then invited a stranger to sleep over. Someone she does not know. In the house while she was asleep, and her baby was there. Thats not OK.

Do you think that if you're happy to have a couple of drinks and see your friends that you then lose the right to say no to anything? That's a bizarre attitude.

Like... my friends can stay over so would you demand I let strangers into my house because "well, you went out to the pub and invited your friend to stay". How very odd @Geamhradh.

Two entirely different issues. A little while in the pub with friends and friend staying the night compared with waking up to a man you dont know sleeping in your house.

Fiddliestofsticks · 17/07/2021 10:27

and HIS friend who I don't know and only met the night before asleep in my son's bed!

@Terhou
She isnt annoyed about the friend staying over. That was planned. She is annoyed that someone she didnt know was sleeping over. If her husband had just extended the invite to the rest of their friends, it maybe wouldnt have been that bad but this was a man she did not know.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 17/07/2021 10:29

@Terhou and yet, also a quote:

"But when I woke up this morning I went in to my toddlers room to find our other friend (who has his own house in the same city) asleep on the floor and HIS friend who I don't know and only met the night before asleep in my son's bed!"

🤷🏼‍♀️

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 17/07/2021 10:29

Sorry for cross-post! Distracted by my unreasonable children whilst typing. Grin

ASpoolofBlueThread · 17/07/2021 10:31

I'd be pissed off. The thing I'd be most pissed off about though, is that you cleared up and your DH labelled it as passive aggressive when the more normal and appropriate reaction would be, "sorry I was a bit of a drunken knob, and thank you for clearing up, I'd have done that".

It's not passive aggressive to focus your annoyance on a productive task. Passive aggression would be to tidy up REALLY LOUDLY in the hope you woke your DH.

ElaborateSalad · 17/07/2021 10:35

I don't really see the issue so long as they didn't leave a mess

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 17/07/2021 10:38

@Fiddliestofsticks

and HIS friend who I don't know and only met the night before asleep in my son's bed!

@Terhou
She isnt annoyed about the friend staying over. That was planned. She is annoyed that someone she didnt know was sleeping over. If her husband had just extended the invite to the rest of their friends, it maybe wouldnt have been that bad but this was a man she did not know.

This!

She couldn't give a shit about their friends!

She objects to a literal stranger sleeping in her baby's bed!

merrymouse · 17/07/2021 10:40

Plus, y'know, going out with her husband and his mates and not having a problem with some of them sleeping over kind of negates the protective maternal thing.

I also find the term ‘mama bear’ twee, but regardless of hormones I would not want to unexpectedly encounter a friend’s friend in my house while I was post partum. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to have control over your boundaries when you are having to control so many bodily fluids - your own and the baby’s.

AhNowTed · 17/07/2021 10:40

Honestly it's just a bed. The toddler wasn't in it as well!

Change the sheets, job done.

delightfuldaisy19 · 17/07/2021 10:41

Wouldn't bother me at all. It is your husband's house too - he is allowed to let friends stay the night.

I love an impromptu party and am very laid back about letting people stay/sleep on sofa/find some floor space.

Children are now teenagers and they also have a very relaxed attitude to our home and invite friends round all the time with very short notice, last minute sleepovers etc.

I really like this relaxed welcoming environment.

merrymouse · 17/07/2021 10:45

I really like this relaxed welcoming environment.

Whereas other people love their homes because they are a refuge and a sanctuary, particularly when they have just given birth. Both attitudes are acceptable and it’s possible to hold them both at the same time. People draw boundaries in different places.

Mamette · 17/07/2021 10:47

Friends staying over is one thing, but I personally draw the line at randomers crashing in my children’s bedrooms, so yanbu.