Woke up to two grown men sleeping in my toddlers bedroom

[Mama1993]

They are friends btw and my toddler is with his g/parents.

However... This is the story...

We had some friends staying over last night who we haven't seen in a long time, they live abroad and wanted to see us before they caught a flight tomorrow. We have a sofa bed so no problem.

We had some drinks in our garden in the evening with a few other close friends - we are a group of about 8 and it was a proper catch up sort of thing. The plan was to then go to the pub for dinner around the corner.

side note: I have a four week old and am breastfeeding so I personally am not doing any heavy drinking.

I left the pub earlier than everyone but I said to my husband that I didn't mind if everyone wanted to come back for a drink or two (this is where I clearly went wrong)

To cut a long story short they ended up having a bit of a party downstairs, lots of drinking until late and lots of shouting. I'm not that annoyed about the loudness because it didn't actually keep me or my baby up

But when I woke up this morning I went in to my toddlers room to find our other friend (who has his own house in the same city) asleep on the floor and HIS friend who I don't know and only met the night before asleep in my son's bed!

My husband said they could so I can't be annoyed with them too much but AIBU to be annoyed with my husband?? I know I said they could all come back for a drink but we aren't students and I didnt expect that to be misconstrued as anyone can stay over....

I've been miffed this morning and my husband has just as rude back to me saying I should get off my high horse for doing the glasses before him etc... Maybe he has a point? I just think it's a bit inappropriate seeing as we have a newborn...

Wouldn’t bother me at all 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m a bit on the fence as I’m not at ease with guests in my house overnight even when invited but that’s on me. However your DH is as entitled to invite people to stay and I suppose in normal circumstances he would check with you.

You were daft washing up after them, let him sort fresh bedding now & don’t be such a martyr in future.

If my husband got drunk with his friends all night and had a noisy party whilst I was up all night breastfeeding a newborn, and then I woke up to a mess and had to change bedding, tidy up, deal with random hungover people, I would be livid.

I’d find it really disrespectful. But at 4 weeks with DD I was struggling mentally and physically and just really needed my home to be a sanctuary, and for DH to be focused on supporting us. So perhaps my disgust at his behaviour is more a reflection of how I felt at that time.

You say you told him you were happy for them all to come back, and that the noise didn’t bother you. Is that definitely true? I just can’t imagine feeling like that myself.

I'm sure a lot will disagree but I think, at this stage, you're still right in that over protective, mamma bear, hormones settling down stage. Seeing a stranger sleeping in your other child's bed whilst you still have all this feelings being really strong after the birth of a new child would be hard. Your instinct right now is still to keep everything safe and keep strangers out, even keep out people who arent part of your "tribe".

Whether it is unreasonable or not, it's natural. Part of it may be your own (little bit silly) view that you cant have friends over and drink if you're a parent, and that's something you really need to unclench over. But I think most of it is just your body's protective instincts still running in overdrive due to being post partum.

I think you’re making a bigger deal out of this than it is. Your husband invited them and you weren’t disturbed. I wouldn’t have cleaned up afterwards though and would have asked your DH to change the bedding.

I might be able to cope with an extra clean, no bad habits, female friend.

What an odd way to think. Why is a woman sleeping in a toddler bed ok but a man isn’t? Do you think they’re all vicarious sleep paedos?

OP you make a rod for your own back if you enforce a strict rule about no “strangers” staying over while children in the house. What if, say, your brother in law or best friend comes to stay and they want to bring a new partner? Are they a stranger or is that ok? Is it just strangers to you? Sounds like your husband has taken things on the chin and you’re both moving forward but if he had a petty streak he might hold your own rule against you.

Because that's the sort of passive aggressive thing I do when I'm annoyed.

and you said you'Re working on it which is good. The first rule of anything like this is: don't martyr yourself. PA is ok if that's your thing, but don't put your own nose out of joint, that is just daft.

Having people who you know over to stay if they've been drinking - why is that an issue? unless they are put in your toddler's room when he's there. Why is having people you know stay in your house an issue? it's DH's house too.

Anyway - pastries are good and as long as he does the bedclothes etc, I think you'll be fine

@Fiddliestofsticks

I'm sure a lot will disagree but I think, at this stage, you're still right in that over protective, mamma bear, hormones settling down stage. Seeing a stranger sleeping in your other child's bed whilst you still have all this feelings being really strong after the birth of a new child would be hard. Your instinct right now is still to keep everything safe and keep strangers out, even keep out people who arent part of your "tribe".

Whether it is unreasonable or not, it's natural. Part of it may be your own (little bit silly) view that you cant have friends over and drink if you're a parent, and that's something you really need to unclench over. But I think most of it is just your body's protective instincts still running in overdrive due to being post partum.

Please don't churn out all that hormonal mamma bear stuff You do women no favours. Had the OP been that "mamma bear" mode she presumably wouldn't have agreed to go out with her husband and his mates from the go get.

This wouldn’t bother me at all. We all need to let off steam every now and then, and it sounds like your DH was just enjoying seeing his friends again. Of course he shouldn’t have told you they were staying, he would’ve had to wake you up! I would just laugh at them with their hangovers today.

I think overnight guests should be agreed in advance or otherwise he should have left a massive obvious note outside your door so you didnt get a surprise. I can imagine it being very disconcerting just discovering two men you weren't expecting in there. If it was me and I didnt know one of them I'd want to be warned so I wasnt naked / in my tatty old pjs etc

OP you were definitely overreacting, but you have a four week old so people should cut you a little slack for not necessarily being completely rational. You’re also being a really good sport about the criticism you have received here, rather than flouncing off in a strip like some posters! It sounds like you and DH had a lovely evening catching up with friends after a truly awful year, so just enjoy your pastry, snuggle your little one while DH cleans up, and enjoy a gorgeous weekend! (And definitely bank this for when you want an evening to yourself or with friends!) Have a lovely weekend!

To cut a long story short YABU to claim that.

So your husband let mates stay in your kids room while the kid was away? I'd probably be a bit bothered because having people stay over with a new baby is irritating- the bedroom thing wouldn't be a factor.

let him sort fresh bedding now & don’t be such a martyr in future.

Yeah that. A drunken gathering isn't a problem as a one off but he sorts the mess.

So your DH let friend and friend of friend sleep over after a noisy party in your home while you are caring for your newborn, you got up earlier than him and cleaned up after a party you weren't involved in and somehow that puts you in the wrong?!

Nah, you did something nice there and he should appreciate it, not gaslight you into apologising for it!

Quite a non story for such a dramatic thread title.

Your toddler wasn't there and you already had other friends staying over anyway... I don't think it's much to worry about.

I would not be happy- but why the hell you’d invite a party at yours when breastfeeding a newborn is beyond me

So you had mutual friends over and they didn't disturb you and one stayed in an empty bed.

I think your just pissed off you've missed out.

I feel sorry for your neighbours

I hope dh is doing all the cleaning up, and changing toddlers bed.

I think your protective instincts have kicked in to be honest and I can totally see why that happened. You've woken up to a strange man, not only in your house, but in your toddler's cosy wee bedroom.

However, our protective instincts aren't always logical - no harm has been done at all. If you feel that the DC's rooms should be totally off limits to visitors then that's something you need to calmly talk about to your DH for the future.

Oh and passive aggressive cleaning punishes no-one - I would LOVE someone to come and rage-clean my messy house right now....

Sniggering at the image of a grown man squeezed into a toddler bed...!

OP, I bet the men were more miffed than you..probably had a really good night, lots of drink and then woke up surrounded by peppa pig and night garden characters

I feel like the underlying issue is that it made you feel vulnerable that the friends friend was unknown to you and the fact it was your toddlers room, rather than an adult spare room. I get it, you'll be feeling hormonal and protective as you have a new baby and are a mama...but no harm done. Just let Hubby grovel and tidy up/change beds etc x

@Geamhradh

I do women no favours by accepting science?
The OP is teaching the stage were hones are settling down after birth. That comes hand in hand with feeling more protective and worried about the baby, especially baby being around other people. A serious reaction to the hormonal change is called post partum depression and can swing from not even wanting to shower because you dont want to put your baby down all the way to not even wanting to look at your baby.
A not serious reaction, just the standard hormone settling down phase, can make you more wary, more easily upset about things which you perceive to affect your baby etc. Its something every female body will go through a few weeks after birth and we all react differently to it.

Does it really matter? Just get your DH to change the sheets before your toddler gets home.

Just because you have a baby, doesn't mean you're not allowed to go out and enjoy yourselves. I'm afraid I really don't see the problem here - you weren't disturbed by it.

@Geamhradh

And putting aside birth hormones, there is also the protective instincts human's feel for their children from, you know, evolution.

I'd be happy to sit in the pub for an evening with friends and meet their friends I'd never met before. I wouldnt be happy for that stranger to then sleep in my home where my baby slept.

I'd be annoyed I missed the party!