To want WFH DP in the office

[jasmineblossoms]

So judging from the WFH threads on here I am probably taking my life into my hands but here goes.

I work term time only. Obviously this has its advantages.

I would like DP in the office for a couple of days a week for the next six weeks, mainly so that I can have friends visit.

I’m wondering how to phrase this so it doesn’t sound like ‘fuck off out of your own home’

(A big challenge is that DP doesn’t mind noise. It’s me who minds making it and him listening!)

What about it?

No one has said the baby needed an entire room for a baby gym except you tbh unsolicited

You need to invest in changes that make you being at home, and DH WfH compatible. His working space needs to be in one of the bedrooms, not the communal space, and you need to put up new blinds in the living room. Yes, it might take some organising and upheaval, and yes, you may have to spend a little money, but the long term benefits will make it worthwhile.

Unless you really can't stand being in the house with him. In which case, you need to look at your relationship, and work out whether your issues are fixable, or whether it's time to walk away. I wouldn't want to be with someone who found my presence in the house unbearable. For contrast, my DH and I are both currently WfH, and he will soon be going back part time to the office, and I will really miss having him there, sharing lunch together, chatting whoever make a cup of tea, and generally sharing our day. I love spending time with him!

I should add, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Homes are homes, not offices

LOLz after the last 18 months

I’m not really sure how ‘I want us to spend a lot of money adapting the house’ is any different to ‘could you consider going to the office a couple of days a week while I’m off work’ tbh.

In any case if he’s not up for it and he won’t be then there’s not very much I can do, so it’s a bit pointless to keep on at me about it. It’s a workplace and it’s not my workplace so ultimately I don’t get a say.

Unless you really can't stand being in the house with him. In which case, you need to look at your relationship, and work out whether your issues are fixable, or whether it's time to walk away

I love my husband dearly but I don't want to be around him 24/7

Everyone is different

@jasmineblossoms

Isn’t that the point of AIBU? Again, I’m not being contentious! I’m just puzzled!

But you are being unreasonable.

Your husband doesn't mind the noise, you can still have your friends over.
You'd rather he add 2.5 hours commute twice a week to his week because you can't get over your (not his) 'thing' about noise.
You'd also rather him go into the office when cases are rising just so you can socialise, when socialising could realistically do elsewhere. Why don't you go their houses.

Is there not a bedroom he could work in on the days you want friends over, that way you have reign of the downstairs. As mentioned noise isn't an issue as your husband doesn't mind it.

@jasmineblossoms

I’m not really sure how ‘I want us to spend a lot of money adapting the house’ is any different to ‘could you consider going to the office a couple of days a week while I’m off work’ tbh.

In any case if he’s not up for it and he won’t be then there’s not very much I can do, so it’s a bit pointless to keep on at me about it. It’s a workplace and it’s not my workplace so ultimately I don’t get a say.

New blinds and moving up into a bedroom to work shouldn't cost 'a lot of money'.

@jasmineblossoms

No one has said the baby needed an entire room for a baby gym except you tbh unsolicited

So what is the roo. Being used for you said it was a baby gym and a TV.

You said that's what you adapted it to.

I think clearly you don't want people suggestions or advice. You aren't willing to compromise or even discuss it with him.

The only person here is being difficult, is you.

He might even say he will go back 2 days a week.

Whatever happens I hope you find a way to enjoy summer.

I always thought the definition of the word ‘bungalow’ was commonly understood. Every day’s a school day.

@jasmineblossoms

I’m not really sure how ‘I want us to spend a lot of money adapting the house’ is any different to ‘could you consider going to the office a couple of days a week while I’m off work’ tbh.

In any case if he’s not up for it and he won’t be then there’s not very much I can do, so it’s a bit pointless to keep on at me about it. It’s a workplace and it’s not my workplace so ultimately I don’t get a say.

But it's not a lot of money? It's shuffling some equipment (and presumably furniture) round, a signal booster and a new blind. Could easily be done in a couple of hours and for less than a couple of hundred quid. He'll spend more time and money commuting for 5 weeks, and that doesn't offer a long term solution.

It's very clear that you just can't stand being in the same house as him, and no compromise will ever be acceptable to you. You need to own that, and reflect on your relationship.

I presume that if the kitchen and dining room are open plan, that there are no doors between the reception rooms and kitchen?
If that's the case, surely a permanent move to the bedroom as an office means there's a door on the "office". And that should make a difference?

It seems three fold your issues. Lack of it being your home as such. And the fact that during your day, oh is present and appears, as though he's almost the Headteacher checking up on you. Where he works, seems, to me anyway, the least of the issues!

I wfh, my child will be here during the school holidays when I work for a couple of days. Though my lo won't be throwing any discos, we shut doors and my lo will play, watch TV, be in/out to the garden etc. It's a part of our life that during working days we both have to accommodate one another as work is important. Ultimately, the same situation. It's just you have an issue with your ohs presence full stop. I presume before you moved in, you either lived alone or was the only household member with school holidays free? So need to adjust?

@jasmineblossoms

I’m not really sure how ‘I want us to spend a lot of money adapting the house’ is any different to ‘could you consider going to the office a couple of days a week while I’m off work’ tbh.

In any case if he’s not up for it and he won’t be then there’s not very much I can do, so it’s a bit pointless to keep on at me about it. It’s a workplace and it’s not my workplace so ultimately I don’t get a say.

You’re not unreasonable to want your home to function as a home.

It’s not unreasonable to ask him to go to the office a few days a week but only you and he know if that’s practical (equipment etc) and if your communication is good enough to not make it seem like a rejection.

My DH is going back into the office on the daysI am WFH. We love each other, we just don’t want to spend all the live-long hours of the day in the same space. Absence makes the heart grow fonder etc.

But he knows I find his checking in irritating- he usually interrupts my flow- and he knows I need more space than he does.

It’s communication.

OP you sound unsure of your position in the relationship, the house, and so on. That’s what I’m getting.

YANBU to want time alone in the house. But presumably HINBU to work from home and save himself 2+ hrs of commuting a day, and spend a bit of time with his baby DS during breaks.

You need to figure out how to accommodate each other. You’re not necessarily unreasonable but you might need a longer term think about things too.

@jasmineblossoms

Just out of interest does it make a difference that I contribute a not insignificant amount to the house?

Our outgoings are pretty much to the penny £2500.

I earn £2473.

Obviously I’m not saying all of that is used for the bills, but it does show I think that I pay my way.

No, it makes no difference either way. I earn nothing. Does that mean that I have no voting rights in my own home? Of course it doesn't.

Personally I think your husband should have found a way to make his working space away from the living areas of the house. If I remember correctly it sounds like this would have been possible and I'm surprised it wasn't done at the beginning of lockdown. My husband works in a room not much bigger than a cupboard, but he's quite comfy up there and doesn't disturb me at all. One of my daughters visits regularly and I do childcare for her children (our grandchildren). It works well, but only because my husband isn't taking up space in the living rooms.

@MiddleParking

I always thought the definition of the word ‘bungalow’ was commonly understood. Every day’s a school day.

So many bungalows are dormers though, aren't they?

Following on from my earlier thread and don’t want to derail but it has highlighted to me that separate hobbies/interests are going to be absolutely key for us if we are to fully enjoy our retirement together!!

I’ve accepted I’m being unreasonable halz, not really sure how you could have read the thread and not seen that.

unsolicited if someone says to you ‘I’ve bought a new armchair and put it in the lounge’ do you think it takes up the whole or the lounge? As I rather think you’re the one being difficult.

mrs it doesn’t matter, if he won’t do it and he won’t then that’s that.

busy no not quite there is a door between the lounge and dining area but I can’t really use the lounge as there is still noise and wherever dp is working he doesn’t really stay.

Bungalow - it’s all on one level. No upstairs. No stairs at all.

OP, any chance your house is a dormer and you’ve just never noticed?

@MiddleParking

OP, any chance your house is a dormer and you’ve just never noticed?

Have a look in the wardrobe OP, there may be a whole other world out the back of it

Can I send DP to work in it please?

I get where you are coming from. Dh has been off sick for 6 months and he's returned to work but working from home. Fortunately last year, I changed the children's playhouse into a wee summer house so I go there with friends or in the garden.

But as he works in the living room it means I have to be quiet and careful when he's on call.

@jasmineblossoms

I’ve accepted I’m being unreasonable halz, not really sure how you could have read the thread and not seen that.

unsolicited if someone says to you ‘I’ve bought a new armchair and put it in the lounge’ do you think it takes up the whole or the lounge? As I rather think you’re the one being difficult.

mrs it doesn’t matter, if he won’t do it and he won’t then that’s that.

busy no not quite there is a door between the lounge and dining area but I can’t really use the lounge as there is still noise and wherever dp is working he doesn’t really stay.

Bungalow - it’s all on one level. No upstairs. No stairs at all.

there is a door between the lounge and dining area but I can’t really use the lounge as there is still noise and wherever dp is working he doesn’t really stay Then, as I said before, your issue isn't really where he works then. It is you and you not feeling it's a shared home. And like I said, the fact that you feel your husband prowls/checks up on you. Whereas it sounds to me like normal breaks etc means he leaves his work for some social contact or because it sounds as though something needs attention. None of that sounds to me as being unreasonable.

I do think that you need to look at the whole situation here as this seems about so much more than the school holidays...

I’m sure it is normal breaks, I’ve accepted I’m being unreasonable, I still feel as I do about it, and it isn’t very nice having to go out or sit in a bedroom, but that’s just life now I think.

@jasmineblossoms

I’m sure it is normal breaks, I’ve accepted I’m being unreasonable, I still feel as I do about it, and it isn’t very nice having to go out or sit in a bedroom, but that’s just life now I think.

You're really not being unreasonable.

Thanks but the consensus says I am, it is a bit difficult as it is a bit rubbish that other members of a household can’t just enjoy their home because someone is working.