To want WFH DP in the office

[jasmineblossoms]

So judging from the WFH threads on here I am probably taking my life into my hands but here goes.

I work term time only. Obviously this has its advantages.

I would like DP in the office for a couple of days a week for the next six weeks, mainly so that I can have friends visit.

I’m wondering how to phrase this so it doesn’t sound like ‘fuck off out of your own home’

(A big challenge is that DP doesn’t mind noise. It’s me who minds making it and him listening!)

why should it be at the expense of everyone else in the home?

Because it would be asking too much of someone to spend most of their waking hours in unnecessary stress and discomfort just to give someone peace and quiet, or a place to socialize.

Of course, the formula changes if someone has a really nice office that they want to spend time in - then it isn't a burden to the 'exiled' person. Or maybe the person at home has some strong need for solitude - a severe mental health condition maybe - so actually the burden on them to go without it is greater than asking the other person to go out to work.

But in most cases, I think commuting and spending most of your day in an office is more of a burden than not being alone at home, so the utilitarian view wins out.

Stop thinking his needs trump yours or babys, he doesn't.

Exactly this.

I'm amazed at the people here treating OP like her thoughts and feelings don't matter and all should bow to the worker!

I've done what I can to accommodate my husband wfh but he is in family space, it's his responsibility to make it work for himself and take account of the rest of us when we're here.

We both compromise because we respect eachother.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If I owned my own home and my recently moved in BF asked me to vacate two days a week so they could entertain friends they would be the one vacating permanently.

So your solution is her dp kicks her out with their child, rather than him moving his office to a bedroom rather than the communal space or going into the office a few times so it can be used as a home occasionally?

Good plan.

@Hont1986

why should it be at the expense of everyone else in the home?

Because it would be asking too much of someone to spend most of their waking hours in unnecessary stress and discomfort just to give someone peace and quiet, or a place to socialize.

Of course, the formula changes if someone has a really nice office that they want to spend time in - then it isn't a burden to the 'exiled' person. Or maybe the person at home has some strong need for solitude - a severe mental health condition maybe - so actually the burden on them to go without it is greater than asking the other person to go out to work.

But in most cases, I think commuting and spending most of your day in an office is more of a burden than not being alone at home, so the utilitarian view wins out.

Because it would be asking too much of someone to spend most of their waking hours in unnecessary stress and discomfort just to give someone peace and quiet, or a place to socialize.

Humans need to socialise.

OP deserves some consideration.

You clearly have very black and white thinking and a failure to empathise.

As well as a fairly major inability to count.

Just out of interest does it make a difference that I contribute a not insignificant amount to the house?

Our outgoings are pretty much to the penny £2500.

I earn £2473.

Obviously I’m not saying all of that is used for the bills, but it does show I think that I pay my way.

Don't blame you at all, OP. We're all off for the rest of the summer now, 3 teens and me on term time schedules, and my DH is in an open space in the house expecting to continue to work? No ... he will have to move back into his office in the house with a door or go back to the office. Not reasonable to expect us all to tiptoe around the house for 6 weeks when he has options.

OP, I think you should ask him. At the end of the day if you don't ask you don't get.
Just think about how you want to word it, but I'd just be honest with him.
I would get annoyed by some of the things you've mentioned, like him turning the tap off etc and moaning about the blinds.

Either 1) he goes into work a couple of days a week
Or 2) stops interfering when you're alone with DS and he's working. That would help a little bit wouldn't it.

Or ...3) both!

Talk to him.

Thanks last and some others, the way some have spoken to and about me here has been horrible.

I’ve never been to DPs office, I don’t know what it’s like. He’s never complained. In any case I’m not saying it should be all the time.

@jasmineblossoms

Just out of interest does it make a difference that I contribute a not insignificant amount to the house?

Our outgoings are pretty much to the penny £2500.

I earn £2473.

Obviously I’m not saying all of that is used for the bills, but it does show I think that I pay my way.

No need to justify yourself OP

Some people have a warped approach to relationships and money and relative value.

It's bonkers

I've told my partner to go back to the office. He's had no problem with it. I don't see why it would be an issue if them working from home affects others in the household.

Op have you actually discussed this with him?

Because every compromise that have been offered 'just won't work'.

I can't work out if both if you are unwilling to compromise or you are.

It appears the only solution you are willing to accept is him being out of the house. Its unclear how he feels about that. He might be happy to do it.

But in all liklihood its going to be compromise on both parts. Move to somewhere that's not ideal for you, but better.

And now you are saying you will have to stay in the bedroom instead. It feels like you are cutting your nose off.

@jasmineblossoms

Just out of interest does it make a difference that I contribute a not insignificant amount to the house?

Our outgoings are pretty much to the penny £2500.

I earn £2473.

Obviously I’m not saying all of that is used for the bills, but it does show I think that I pay my way.

It absolutely shouldn’t make a difference. You’re not his flat mate (or his ‘new girlfriend’ ) besides which, it’s your family home, which is more important than it being his temporary workspace, unless you’re a bootlicking socially incompetent weirdo.

@jasmineblossoms, I don't think you're being unreasonable and you should have an honest conversation with your partner.

Possibly he agrees to go to the office twice a week no problem or you may need to find a compromise. I'm sure it's there.

I'm about to have a baby and my husband will be working from home my whole maternity leave - he has to as there's no office. Our flat is two bedroom so we talked at length about how to make it work for all three of us. We agreed that me and the baby have to have access to kitchen and sitting room (open plan). Therefore we decided we won't have a nursery for at least a year, and my husband will work from the second bedroom. I don't know the layout of your house but if the spare bedroom you're talking about is not good, maybe you can move your son's room there for example. That's of course one idea and I appreciate it may not work. Hopefully your husband will be happy to just go to the office part time.

It doesn't matter if he owns the house, it's your home too. You're a family. You should feel comfortable at your own home.

And he should help you with the blinds instead of moaning about it.

I wfh full and would be a bit miffed if DH asked me to leave the house and work on the office just so he could have friends round.

He isn't going to be bothered about what you and your friends are talking about. I am very good at tuning out what I don't want to listen to.

@jasmineblossoms

Just out of interest does it make a difference that I contribute a not insignificant amount to the house?

Our outgoings are pretty much to the penny £2500.

I earn £2473.

Obviously I’m not saying all of that is used for the bills, but it does show I think that I pay my way.

Op you absolutely don't need to do this.

Money doesn't come into it. I am the main earner in my household and the house is I my name only. I earn multiples of what dp does.

I have still made sure my wfh causes minimum disturbance to everyone else. I certainly wouldn't see dp or my kids having to live in their bedroom.

We still live in the small 3 bed terrace I bought when I got divorced. It's not easy, but I give a shit about my kids and dp. And wouldn't ruin their home life to wfh. This house might be 'mine' as in I own it. But it's home for all of us.

It’s not the Internet it’s the mobile phone signal. There isn’t any and I should know as I was stuck in there for ages!

WiFi calling on yours and his mobile. We have shit signal in the house too but WiFi calling fixes that issue.

If he has complex equipment, going between home & office is probably not sensible? Would he need to take it all with him?

There are ways to fix all these issues with good communication but you sound a bit … I’m not sure. You can’t talk to him about the blinds, you think he won’t mind being there when your friends are even if they’re noisy but you will mind, it’s impossible to rejig anything, you think he’s a bit annoying generally to have around…

You’re not wrong, I prefer it when my DH isn’t WFH but you do sound like you’re making it difficult- is it a communication issue, or what?

Perfectly reasonable request OP.

I would think a man would have to be dim and obtuse not to understand.

I don't think it unreasonable to ask for at least 2 days on which you agree upon so you can make your plans.

The problem is unsolicited compromises that involve a huge amount of inconvenience and money for five weeks aren’t compromises. I know other people’s problems sometimes seem easy to solve but to be honest this is how it is, I can see it might possibly be different if he was upstairs but we have a bungalow, and he does have a tendency to pop out and get involved. So I can never just get on with my day.

In our house we have

Kitchen
Dining room
Lounge
Bedroom 1
Bedroom 2
Bedroom 3
Bathroom

The kitchen is open plan with the dining room, which is DPs office,

The lounge is right next to the dining room. If ds starts to squawk or shout DP will often pop out, plus there’s the issue with the blinds. I know this sounds like a small thing, it isn’t, but it isn’t my house, I can’t afford to replace them at the moment anyway, and I really always do manage to let them down incorrectly and DP does moan. In fairness he isn’t like this about most things but about the blinds, he is.

So that leaves the bedrooms.

I’ve adapted the back bedroom quite well, there’s a TV and a play gym for ds, but it is restrictive and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve turned round and DP is standing there and it makes me jump. It often feels like he’s standing there even when he is not!

Oh I’ve tried to talk about the blinds but he just starts showing me how to let them down properly, and I never remember, it’s some weird thing and takes forever, drives me mad, but anyway I’ve accepted I’m being unreasonable, so there’s no need to keep on about it.

What I think would possibly work for you is a couple of hours, perhaps three, once or twice a week, where there are no work calls and noise.

If your DH cannot plan his work diary to accommodate this and occasionally say no to a work call (or ask it to be moved), then either he has no spine, is being bullied, or is just being unreasonable. Hardly a week goes by without a work meeting/call being moved at my request or my not attending for some reason, which may or may not be work related.

It’s his presence in the house full stop that is the issue?

I just don’t think there’s a way to make that sound reasonable.

You need to talk and think longer term than these 5 weeks.
What is the plan in general for his work - is he now permanently WFH long-term?
If yes, you need a different house that works in that scenario.

These 5 weeks aren’t your real issue.

So you just simply can't remember to do the blinds so will avoid using the living room all summer?

The problem here seems to be that you just don't like him lurking around

Tell him that. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable every time he is looking over your shoulder.

He doesn't need to pop out everytime the baby moans.

Your recent posts, do just suggest it doesn't matter about where he work, you want to be alone on the house with the baby. I am not having a go, just pointing it out. But I think you know compromises could work better (not perfect, but better) because that doesn't fix the issue of you wanting the house to yourself.

So you don't want to acknowledge there's somethings both of you could do to make this better.

Feels like your issue is more with DP, than his wfh.

Not really sure why anyone set up in a main area of their home, when there were other options in the first place.

But also does you baby need an entire room for a baby gym?

And also its not just 3 weeks. What about all the other time you are off over, that's not summer?

5 weeks