To want WFH DP in the office

[jasmineblossoms]

So judging from the WFH threads on here I am probably taking my life into my hands but here goes.

I work term time only. Obviously this has its advantages.

I would like DP in the office for a couple of days a week for the next six weeks, mainly so that I can have friends visit.

I’m wondering how to phrase this so it doesn’t sound like ‘fuck off out of your own home’

(A big challenge is that DP doesn’t mind noise. It’s me who minds making it and him listening!)

I really feel for you. YANBU
I think I get what you're saying about not being able to relax as the wfh noise interrupts your thought process. ?? That's how I feel. Especially when there was only a curtain between the home office and the communal area and I felt annoyed. And at the the same time grateful he was working.

Just ask him. If he would mind working occasionally from the office. He may actually enjoy the social side of things.
The worst is he can say no and you are back where you are now.

I understand why you need space, but ultimately you're the one with the flexibility so you can't expect everyone to move around you.

We've all had to deal with less than ideal situations over the last 18 months.

No I don't think she has @SwedishEdith but too much togetherness can be very wearing, when the Op moved in I don't suppose she imagined Covid and WFH going on this long. I didn't see the second lockdown coming but I'm grateful to be double jabbed and to go to work so we have some time apart

You are living in your DH’a office OP.

It sounds awful to spend your summer like that

I’d still try and convince him to drive to the office once a week. He has had the vaccine so it is really not as reckless as some posters say. From 19th July the WFH guidance is changing anyway.

Maybe you could spend a few minutes every day practicing the blinds. Ask him to show you again. Maybe take a video of it so you can get it right in the future.

I don't feel you're being at all unreasonable OP. It's really not fair that he's commandeered a communal space for his office. Especially if you have to go through it to get to the kitchen, is that right?

When you mention it to him and he says 'but you don't disturb me' and looks blank - have you replied 'but you disturb me, that's what I'm telling you'?

I know you said he doesn't want to move spaces, but I really think that you need to sit him down and tell him it's just not working for you not being able to use the communal space. And ask him to work out, with you, a solution.

Boosters for the back bedroom, or switching the lounge and office space, or any other idea. But remaining as is isn't an option, because it's your home too and it doesn't work for you the way it is now.

As for friends over, in the immediate short term, how would he react if you said 'DP, I'm off work for a few weeks now, and I'll be wanting to meet my mates here. They'll be coming for lunch, so ideally I want to use the dining room to eat in, how can we work that? Can you go into the office a couple of times a week?'

I think, from what you've said, the key here is he's either not getting or pretending not to get, that although he is fine as is, you aren't. And that's not OK, because it is your home too.

Problem is people are thinking well it’s fine if he works at home but somewhere else. I’m saying it’s not but no one is listening!

Will he be permanently WFH now?

Is this a summer holidays issue, or a ‘rest of your life’ issue?

I find this whole thread quite bemusing, it has gone down so many rabbit holes of play gyms and blinds. Quite simply, the OP would like the house to herself for a couple of days a week. Seems perfectly normal and reasonable. Surely the partner used to commute pre Covid?

@mumofblueeyes

I find this whole thread quite bemusing, it has gone down so many rabbit holes of play gyms and blinds. Quite simply, the OP would like the house to herself for a couple of days a week. Seems perfectly normal and reasonable. Surely the partner used to commute pre Covid?

He did, but I gather she didn't live with him pre covid either.

Which if this is the case, she has only ever lived with him while he has been wfh

@mumofblueeyes

I find this whole thread quite bemusing, it has gone down so many rabbit holes of play gyms and blinds. Quite simply, the OP would like the house to herself for a couple of days a week. Seems perfectly normal and reasonable. Surely the partner used to commute pre Covid?

It’s totally reasonable. But not if he’s now permanently WFH. Right at the beginning, OP said:

His work is a bit of a commute: perhaps just over an hour (about an hour and ten minutes) which is why I wouldn’t really want him to be in five days a week as it’s an early start and late finish.

But for five weeks I feel it’s reasonable.

It’s basically an issue of having your cake and eating it. She’s perfectly happy for him to permanently WFH - unless she’s in the house. When it’s convenient all the rest of the year, in the holidays it isn’t.

Well, that’s quite disruptive as a pattern really - to have to go back to commuting on an irregular basis ad hoc. There’s a lot of mention of ‘equipment’ - it’s quite possible there isn’t the same equipment in the office available ad hoc to be used, unless he’s got a permanent desk going spare the rest of the time or hot desking is the norm.

So sorting out a better WFH agreement would suit them both better in the long run.

It sounds to me that you don't disturb him because you make a massive effort not to. I think you should stop trying so hard. I think as your child gets older it will be harder to keep him quiet and not healthy for him to do so. my DH works from home but in an office room so it is ok if he was restricting my access to the kitchen I would have patioed him by now.
Would moving your DH into the lounge help, I bet the blinds would soon be changed then.

I totally agree. It's a home, not an office. But be careful OP. I started a thread like this and replies were unkind.

I was wfh on Thursday. I worked from dds room and set up a desk in there because I could work with DH in the same room any longer. He works from the dining table and is so annoying to work with.

However. He kept on coming up and disturbing me. A couple of times it was to bring coffee. Which was welcomed. But the majority of the time it was to see what I was doing. Or asking me about non work things. When I was in the middle of something.

I had to tell him nicely to bugger off and go do something useful if he didn’t have any actual work to do.

YABU
Excuses like he can look over or that the sun shines into your lounge is all a bit silly.
Why should he commute into an office so that you can have friends round?
It's not your house, it belongs to both of you.
He has just as much right to be there as you do, at any time.
You just want the place to yourself , admit it.

And if op actually just says to DH that she wants the place to herself and he says no. What then?

I sometimes (like right now) desperately want some alone time in the house. But DH just won’t take the kids out anywhere for an hour or two. Just so I can have that peace.

@wordsareveryunnecessary

I totally agree. It's a home, not an office. But be careful OP. I started a thread like this and replies were unkind.

If he's working from home it's both a home and an office.

Quite simply, the OP would like the house to herself for a couple of days a week. Seems perfectly normal and reasonable.

Perfectly reasonable to want the house to yourself. But is it reasonable to demand someone else to put themselves out so you can have this.

What would your reaction be if he kicked OP out of the house for 12 hours one day because he fancied the place to himself?

This is just a part of life when you live with someone.

I'm really struggling to understand how your partner hasn't noticed that you don't use the living room and are stuck in a bedroom? That's not okay.

@ememem84

And if op actually just says to DH that she wants the place to herself and he says no. What then?

I sometimes (like right now) desperately want some alone time in the house. But DH just won’t take the kids out anywhere for an hour or two. Just so I can have that peace.

That really would be separation territory for me. It’s not so much about whether you get a measly hour to yourself or not, it’s what his refusal to do so signifies about how he feels about you.

@MiddleParking I had a row with DH over this. He took the kids out claiming I wanted nothing to do with them.

To be honest at that particular moment I didn’t.

Because sometimes I just want to be home by myself. To achieve this I sometimes take a days annual leave and just don’t tell DH until the morning of. I get the kids off to nursery and DH goes to work. It’s amazing.