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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want WFH DP in the office

319 replies

jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 07:36

So judging from the WFH threads on here I am probably taking my life into my hands but here goes.

I work term time only. Obviously this has its advantages.

I would like DP in the office for a couple of days a week for the next six weeks, mainly so that I can have friends visit.

I’m wondering how to phrase this so it doesn’t sound like ‘fuck off out of your own home’ Grin

(A big challenge is that DP doesn’t mind noise. It’s me who minds making it and him listening!)

OP posts:
amission · 17/07/2021 12:01

@jasmineblossoms

Thanks but the consensus says I am, it is a bit difficult as it is a bit rubbish that other members of a household can’t just enjoy their home because someone is working.
Flowers
dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2021 12:02

It's not 'just life now' why are you being so defeatist?

The obvious solution is to move him into the back bedroom, it won't cost you anything more than a mobile signal booster

bigbowhead · 17/07/2021 12:03

YANBU to ask. YABU to demand. My dh has been wfh since last year March and still isn't allowed in the office.

I just get on with friends coming around, in your shoes on a sunny day I'd go out on the patio and cover the windows. My dh moves upstairs for a couple of hours if needs be as well. Can your dh temporarily work somewhere else if he doesn't want to go back to the office whilst your friends are round? Not many companies to my knowledge are forcing camera on during video calls, in my dh company he is on video calls but has a choice to turn the camera off if he wants to do it's no problem being in the bedroom.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 12:09

It isn’t the obvious solution at all.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 17/07/2021 12:09

@jasmineblossoms

Thanks but the consensus says I am, it is a bit difficult as it is a bit rubbish that other members of a household can’t just enjoy their home because someone is working.
But you can enjoy your home. You just need to put a small amount of effort into juggling describing around, so that it's better suited to the new ways of working.

Why do you refuse to consider changing some rooms around? It's a couple of hours effort at most, and would massively improve the way you could use your home.

mrsm43s · 17/07/2021 12:09

juggling things around

mrsm43s · 17/07/2021 12:11

@jasmineblossoms

It isn’t the obvious solution at all.
Why? It's obvious to everyone but you, and you've given no real reason why not.
RJnomore1 · 17/07/2021 12:14

I’ve got it.

You need to:

Swap your dining and living rooms

Talk to him about him focusing on work when he’s working.

You then have the kitchen and social space and the sun isn’t in your eyes.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/07/2021 12:15

He doesn’t mind the noise and there’s quite a chunk of the year where you aren’t working so why should he have to leave his own home every time you have a holiday. If you can’t relax when he’s home then surely that’s an issue 24/7 not just when friends come over.

You could always just travel to them if you don’t want him around.

nokidshere · 17/07/2021 12:15

I don’t understand why you can’t have your DP there when your friends come round.

Really? You can't see that having a group of friends round for coffee/drinks/catch up would be impossible unless wfh person has their own dedicated space? That you can't make noise because he's 'on a call', or you can't use the table because that's where he is set up?

WFH should not mean that everyone else in the household has to live in your office.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 12:16

None of these suggestions are helpful. It isn’t my house and dp has it suits him.

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 17/07/2021 12:17

@jasmineblossoms Are you feeling okay in general?

I just wanted to check. You sound so down, and some of your descriptions have reminded me of friends who had babies last year and have struggled with the adjustment to a baby and a pandemic.

It might be worth a chat with your midwife?

Feel free to ignore this if it doesn’t feel relevant, but I wanted to ask, just incase. If it’s just the house situation, fair enough Flowers

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 12:19

Oh we haven’t seen a midwife for months - thanks though. Smile

No I’m just a bit sad at how little I matter. I guess that’s motherhood though!

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 17/07/2021 12:20

Although your last post has been wondering if this is a DP problem…

Is it his house? And his layout, that he won’t change? And his blinds that he moans about you doing wrong?

Combined with him coming in to check on the baby if he makes a noise, turning taps off for you and appearing behind you… does it feel like your home? Has he welcomed you and the baby at all?

I live in DHs house… amusingly we also had a blind issue! I’ve nailed it now but it was my nemesis. Anyway, I couldn’t have stayed if he hadn’t made me feel at home…

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 12:21

Not intentionally but yes it does feel a bit like that. It’s just how it is.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 17/07/2021 12:27

Have you asked him if he would move things around?

Would the swap to the kitchen work from your point of view?

knittingaddict · 17/07/2021 12:29

@jasmineblossoms

None of these suggestions are helpful. It isn’t my house and dp has it suits him.
Ah, I'm obviously a bit slow today. |This isn't about working from home is it and there is a bigger issue here.

You aren't married are you?

House is in your husband's name and not yours?

How long have you been together?

Does he treat you all as a family unit or does he throw it back at you that it's his home?

Is it your partner who refuses to set up an office in the bedroom?

Do you feel that you are part of a team with compromise from all parties?

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 12:32

The fact is it is DPs house, and he has it as he wants it.

You can see how unreasonable people think I am, and that’s probably what he thinks too. He doesn’t understand why him coming and standing in a room or doorway is an issue or working when I’m in the garden or having friends round when he’s there is a problem.

And I have accepted I’m unreasonable so there is no need to have a go. If I said can you move to the bedroom he’d ask why and it would just turn into him showing me again how to let the blinds down correctly.

It’s how it is but it doesn’t always make it easy.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2021 12:36

If you're living there, it's your house too

If he doesn't agree with that, then he's a dick and you should think about whether you want to continue living this way

Why do just accept all this? You're just as important as he is -- stand up for yourself!

Tell him if he's going to be home 100% then you need to reconfigure the house to make it livable, that is completely reasonable
If he won't agree then it sounds like you earn enough to go get your own 1 bed somewhere, I would do that before I accepted living somewhere that I wasn't allowed to treat like my home

RJnomore1 · 17/07/2021 12:38

You sound scarily passive in this.

It might have been his house when he was living alone but the fact is his circumstances have changed and the house set up may need to to reflect that.

Otherwise genuinely what is the point? If his life just rolls on?

I’d still be pissed at being packed off two days a week but unlike some of the other awful posts I’ve read on here it’s not really about that is it? It’s about you having a home and not just somewhere you sleep in someone else’s home.

NoSquirrels · 17/07/2021 12:38

The fact is it is DPs house, and he has it as he wants it.

And if you are in this relationship for the long-haul then that needs to change.

dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2021 12:38

If he asks why he should move, you explain why. You and DS can't stay cooped up all summer.

If he shows you the blinds just say look, you have to accept they are too complicated for me, we need to get something else

None of that is unreasonable!

knittingaddict · 17/07/2021 12:39

Do you think he wants to keep an eye on you?

Sorry if that's wide of the mark, but I'm hypersensitive to abuse vibes and it was worth asking the question.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 12:45

No I don’t think he does.

I’m getting confused now as most of you thought I was BU.

His home and his office.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 17/07/2021 12:46

@jasmineblossoms

The fact is it is DPs house, and he has it as he wants it.

You can see how unreasonable people think I am, and that’s probably what he thinks too. He doesn’t understand why him coming and standing in a room or doorway is an issue or working when I’m in the garden or having friends round when he’s there is a problem.

And I have accepted I’m unreasonable so there is no need to have a go. If I said can you move to the bedroom he’d ask why and it would just turn into him showing me again how to let the blinds down correctly.

It’s how it is but it doesn’t always make it easy.

But the thing I don't understand is that you happy to tell him to leave the house, involving a 2.5 hour round trip commute, and literally telling him you want him completely out of the house, which is massively inconvenient and hugely rejecting, But... You're not prepared to ask him to set up his own dedicated office, which would be less inconvenient, and far less rejecting. It could really easy to sell it to him as a positive for him, as well as for you.

I can't make up my mind whether there are big, deep rooted issues within your relationship, and you need my sympathy, or whether you are a princess who refuses to compromise, and is saying, "If I can't have my way, I'm going to play the martyr and make sure everyone knows it and is made unhappy by it."