Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want WFH DP in the office

319 replies

jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 07:36

So judging from the WFH threads on here I am probably taking my life into my hands but here goes.

I work term time only. Obviously this has its advantages.

I would like DP in the office for a couple of days a week for the next six weeks, mainly so that I can have friends visit.

I’m wondering how to phrase this so it doesn’t sound like ‘fuck off out of your own home’ Grin

(A big challenge is that DP doesn’t mind noise. It’s me who minds making it and him listening!)

OP posts:
NoWordForFluffy · 17/07/2021 13:19

@MiddleParking

OP, any chance your house is a dormer and you’ve just never noticed?
I was correcting you that 'bungalow' meant all one level. It doesn't.

She IS being unreasonable as there is an easy option.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 17/07/2021 13:19

That’s not converting a room, that’s moving a few things!

You used the word 'convertered', so it was assumed that's what you meant.

Again, good luck. I hope you get or find whatever it is that makes you happy. I do genuinely mean that.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 13:19

The bedroom isn’t suitable for him to work in because there is no phone signal and it would involve a costly and difficult move of equipment. Therefore he won’t.

I have said I am being unreasonable to want him to work in the office a couple of days a week so I really don’t know why you keep telling me this.

OP posts:
Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 13:20

What the hell os that supposed to mean!? What makes me happy?

OP posts:
NoWordForFluffy · 17/07/2021 13:20

@jasmineblossoms

And not that it matters but I’ve had the telly years.

I just moved it into the bedroom, and the playmat and bouncer I bought for ds before he was born. I thought he’d use them in the lounge but that proved hard so moved them into the bedroom.

That’s not converting a room, that’s moving a few things!

Yes. Moving a few things. Like if would be to move him into the back bedroom to work. Simple option, but you clearly just don't want him there at all.
mrsm43s · 17/07/2021 13:22

@jasmineblossoms

I haven’t ever said telling though mrsm, that’s you. I’ve said ask. And it’s easier to ask that as it’s a temporary thing so easier to sell.

Problem is people are thinking well it’s fine if he works at home but somewhere else. I’m saying it’s not but no one is listening!

I’ve accepted I’m being unreasonable- so don’t have a go at me. But I have never said I’m going to tell him to do anything.

Surely its easier to sell , "Hey DH, you work so hard, and I'm worried we disturb you. I think you deserve your own dedicated office to work, and it would be nicer for D'S and I to have the run of the house without worrying about disturbing you" Than, " Hey DH, please commute for 2.5 hours, and get out of the house, because I want the house to myself, and can't enjoy myself when you're in the house"

Why would you still have a problem if he worked from the back room? I understand why you don't want him in the dining room, but how does it affect you if he is behind a shut door in another part of the house? We're not listening to you, as you haven't explained why, and it a very unusual way to feel about your partner.

I'm not having a go at you, I just think you need to reflect on why you feel how you do. There needs to be compromise in relationships, and one or both of you are refusing to compromise here.

NoWordForFluffy · 17/07/2021 13:22

WiFi calling, OP, you don't need signal.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 13:23

Well you can tell him that, he’s happy in the dining room and he’ll stay there.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2021 13:25

@jasmineblossoms

Well you can tell him that, he’s happy in the dining room and he’ll stay there.
And this is why you need relationship advice, because that is very selfish of him and you seem to have just accepted your lot rather than assert yourself
mrsm43s · 17/07/2021 13:26

@jasmineblossoms

Well you can tell him that, he’s happy in the dining room and he’ll stay there.
Have you actually asked him?
Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 13:26

MrsM he just looks at me blankly and says but you don’t disturb me.

I know because I’ve tried to raise this so many times and got precisely nowhere.

It is how it is, like I’ve said, I get that.

Dp is a lovely man but he isn’t good at reading nuances. So for instance I’ll be telling him something important in the car he’ll interrupt to point out a nice car he’s just seen. So then I have to pause until he says sorry what were you saying. Or we’ll be having a meal out and I’ll say something important and he’ll interrupt me to say so how’s your fish. It does annoy me but it’s just what he does so no point being all critical about it.

He doesn’t understand that’s all there is to it. And I can’t make him.

OP posts:
Unsoliciteddeckpic · 17/07/2021 13:26

@jasmineblossoms

What the hell os that supposed to mean!? What makes me happy?
It means I hope whatever way this plays out (the holidays and your relationship), it plays out in a way that makes you happy.

Never known anyone be offended by someone saying they hope the a situation plays out on a way that makes them happy. Hmm

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 13:27

I’m not offended by you so much as bemused unsolicited

OP posts:
Rainbows89 · 17/07/2021 13:27

You are not being at all unreasonable OP.

It’s normal and healthy for couples to have time apart.

I had a conversation with my DH last week about him going into the office a couple of days a week to give me some quiet time at home.

I’m an introvert and I need alone time and have had very little during lockdown.

We didn’t reach a conclusion because I’m also working and often it’s handy to have him here too to deal with dogs and kids when I’m on a call.

But he is also an introvert so he understands and wasn’t remotely offended.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 13:31

Thanks rainbow. Will have a think. I doubt he’d go anyway thinking about it.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 17/07/2021 13:35

I get it, if my DH was wfh I’d certainly not want him around when my mates came round for the day, it changes the whole atmosphere.

mrsm43s · 17/07/2021 13:35

@jasmineblossoms

MrsM he just looks at me blankly and says but you don’t disturb me.

I know because I’ve tried to raise this so many times and got precisely nowhere.

It is how it is, like I’ve said, I get that.

Dp is a lovely man but he isn’t good at reading nuances. So for instance I’ll be telling him something important in the car he’ll interrupt to point out a nice car he’s just seen. So then I have to pause until he says sorry what were you saying. Or we’ll be having a meal out and I’ll say something important and he’ll interrupt me to say so how’s your fish. It does annoy me but it’s just what he does so no point being all critical about it.

He doesn’t understand that’s all there is to it. And I can’t make him.

Conversations are two way things.

But if he won't move rooms because "you don't disturb me", then his reply to you asking him to commute to the office 2 days a week will be, "but you don't disturb me".

It would be much kinder, easier and a long term solution for you to work on the former rather than the latter. And it'll be 5 days a week, not just 2.

But I'm getting the vibe that the only thing that will make you happy is if he completely leaves the house. I think you need to reflect on why that is.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 13:37

Yes I’ve said that mrsm. But no harm in asking. Point is one is permanent and expensive one isn’t.

I think that’s extremely unfair though. I’m not demanding he leaves the house every day. I’m literally asking for a couple or days a week.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 17/07/2021 13:42

Sorry @jasmineblossoms you're getting a hard time here but I don't think a lot of it is really about you. Once upon a time most people who worked had to actually go to work, then Covid, now they've got used to being at home and don't want to have to go back, cue lots of dark muttering about how it's not fair. You want your DH to go back two days a week so they think your unfair.
I love time to myself and I understand how you feel completely, my DP is lovely but I'm massively enjoying the couple of hours he's been out today. Usually he's at home while I go to work, the silence is stunnibg Smile

billy1966 · 17/07/2021 13:49

How convenient for him that he just doesn't understand you and just looks at you blankly.

Is he thick?
It certainly seems to suit him to behave like he is.

He sounds very very stubborn and dismissive.

But keeo telling yourself he is lovely if you want.

Nuance is NOT ignoring something you have been told clearly and plainly.

That's just plain IGNORing something you don't wish to hear.

Selfish man, fooling you with his convenient obtuse ness.

Hankunamatata · 17/07/2021 13:53

Have you asked him to go into work one day a week?

knittingaddict · 17/07/2021 14:02

I'm not sure if you are deliberately misunderstanding or what's going on.

Literally no one on this thread thinks tvs or playmats are luxury items. No one. However having a room with a tv and a playmat in which could be used as an office and solve all your issues is nuts. The items aren't the luxury, it's the use of space which sounds odd.

You could have the tv and the playmat in the living space and have the opportunity to see your friends in peace while your partner works in the bedroom.

It's called compromise.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 14:03

I really think I must be posting badly I’m sorry I thought I’d explained but no.

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 17/07/2021 14:06

@Daleksatemyshed

Sorry *@jasmineblossoms* you're getting a hard time here but I don't think a lot of it is really about you. Once upon a time most people who worked had to actually go to work, then Covid, now they've got used to being at home and don't want to have to go back, cue lots of dark muttering about how it's not fair. You want your DH to go back two days a week so they think your unfair. I love time to myself and I understand how you feel completely, my DP is lovely but I'm massively enjoying the couple of hours he's been out today. Usually he's at home while I go to work, the silence is stunnibg Smile
But I thought the OP only moved in 10 months ago? So she's never lived with him in any other circumstances.
laurenlodge · 17/07/2021 14:09

Ignoring everything else (I think you're unreasonable to ask him to risk and commute given COVID at the moment) he refuses to move and work from a back bedroom (I assume you have asked if you're saying he won't do it) but you think he will agree to a 2.5 hour round trip commute? Right....