To want WFH DP in the office

[jasmineblossoms]

So judging from the WFH threads on here I am probably taking my life into my hands but here goes.

I work term time only. Obviously this has its advantages.

I would like DP in the office for a couple of days a week for the next six weeks, mainly so that I can have friends visit.

I’m wondering how to phrase this so it doesn’t sound like ‘fuck off out of your own home’

(A big challenge is that DP doesn’t mind noise. It’s me who minds making it and him listening!)

Op it's might be 'his' house but it's YOUR home. It's all of yours home.

And if you don't feel you can have a conversation about how to make it work for all of you. Thats a big problem.

You mentioned outgoings before, is that joint outgoings? If so, it appears you see things as joint and he does not. If he is acting like his home. When he starts on about the blinds, just tell him that's not the point. That you would feel more conformable with him somewhere that's not in a shared area.

If he can't have that converstation with you and isn't willing to compromise, the relationship has big problems.

Which may answer why, him being out of the home some of the time, is really what you want.

I can't make up my mind whether there are big, deep rooted issues within your relationship, and you need my sympathy, or whether you are a princess who refuses to compromise, and is saying, "If I can't have my way, I'm going to play the martyr and make sure everyone knows it and is made unhappy by it."*

Me too.

So how long have you been together? You moved into his house, but you are a family now. Has marriage ever been discussed?

OP,

You have had one child with him, do NOT get pregnant again.

You sound like a lodger.

Sometimes we don't fully understand the oointbof view of the other, but because we love them we will take it on board.

Are you saying, he doesn't understand, so that's it, he won't accommodate you?

If so, that's prickish and obviously is part of a larger problem.

You do not sound happy/valued/cared for.

Can you stay with your family for a bit.

I think you need soace from him.

Have you moved away from family and friends for this man?

I haven’t ever said telling though mrsm, that’s you. I’ve said ask. And it’s easier to ask that as it’s a temporary thing so easier to sell.

Problem is people are thinking well it’s fine if he works at home but somewhere else. I’m saying it’s not but no one is listening!

I’ve accepted I’m being unreasonable- so don’t have a go at me. But I have never said I’m going to tell him to do anything.

This place is mad, I’ve said OK I’m being unreasonable but I’m still being unreasonable and a martyr saying that?

Billy it’s fine, honestly I’m not in danger or anything. He just doesn’t understand and since no one else does I’ve accepted the issue lies with me.

I don’t think I can say any fairer than that.

unsolicitedif someone says to you ‘I’ve bought a new armchair and put it in the lounge’ do you think it takes up the whole or the lounge? As I rather think you’re the one being difficult.

No. But you said you converted the room and had a baby gym and TV in there.

If you said I bought an armchair and TV and put in them in a bedroom, I would assume you are using the bedroom as a second living room.

Or if you said it had a desk, I would presume 'home office'.

I have converter the room to a room that we can spend the day in if needs be, so it’s got a TV, it’s got a baby gym / floor Mat thing and a rocker / bouncer for ds. I don’t get why you are angry about this.

I'm really puzzled by all this. I don't understand why him working in a bedroom behind a closed door won't work. I completely understand how disruptive it is to be working at the dining table when other people are trying to use the space as their home. That should make the bedroom office more appealing, to a reasonable person.

Similarly, I love being in the house alone, it's a rare treat after such a long time of lockdown work and school. But then, husband and I have always checked in with each other along the lines of, "I'd like X to visit next week, how does that suit you?" And we reach compromises. Is he unwilling to compromise, or are you unwilling to ask it of him?

I perfectly understand where you are coming from. My DH now works from home, I don't..term time only. He has set up in the large, sunny kitchen diner that opens out onto the small patio garden. He sits there with his headphones on, two computer screens not only making the place look untidy but glaring at anyone making any sort of noise, boiling the kettle etc. It is infuriating. I also have six weeks coming up where I want to invite people round. We have two spare bedrooms, he could set up in either....he won't because he likes being in the centre of everything. I might end up killing him. He is going to be a real killjoy. We own the house equally so he can't pull that one.

@jasmineblossoms

This place is mad, I’ve said OK I’m being unreasonable but I’m still being unreasonable and a martyr saying that?

Billy it’s fine, honestly I’m not in danger or anything. He just doesn’t understand and since no one else does I’ve accepted the issue lies with me.

I don’t think I can say any fairer than that.

Abuse isn't just about violence.

You haven't answered a lot of the questions about your relationship, so it's very hard to give advice. Maybe people would be more understanding if they had a grasp on what this relationship is like, but you won't say.

Well he could work in a bedroom but as I’ve said the only bedroom where he wouldn’t still be in the middle of things presents the same issues and problems.

And he won’t.

So I don’t know what people want me to say really?

I’m not really here for relationship advice though.

@jasmineblossoms

I have converter the room to a room that we can spend the day in if needs be, so it’s got a TV, it’s got a baby gym / floor Mat thing and a rocker / bouncer for ds. I don’t get why you are angry about this.

You're just being a bit silly now, so I think I'm out. I can't tell what this is any more.

Literally thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands of people have had to change their rooms into offices. Our room was a tiny space between 2 bedrooms which housed all our books and random junk. We had a good clear out and bought cheap desk and chair from Ikea. We took loads of stuff to the charity shop when they were open.

A room with a babt gym and a tv is a luxury that few people have and you sound weird when you insist on keeping it.

So finally, is it you or your partner that won't convert this little used room into an office?

I think this thread has drifted in to relationships because you e given no inditof being able to raise the issue with your DH. It's either he works in the office 2 days or this is has motherhood is.

What, how am I being silly to put a TV and a baby play thing in a bedroom?

I’m not being rude but please, why is that silly?

The baby playmat was about £10 from Amazon, I am really upset by some of these comments actually.

OP, you sound like one deeply unhappy woman.

It's not about only violence, it's about being in the home of a selfish man who makes it clear you are a lodger.

For god sake don't have more children with a man who is so dismissive of you.

But it isn’t though because all I want is a bit of time in the house before I go to work. When I’m at work it makes no difference where he is in the house. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain.

I don’t think I do billy but I am unhappy at how I’ve been spoken about and portrayed, as ‘silly’ for moving a baby gym into a bedroom where we have to be when I’m at home, as a martyr because I’ve accepted I’m unreasonable and above all it doesn’t matter if I pay for this home it’s still first and foremost DPs office.

@jasmineblossoms

I have converter the room to a room that we can spend the day in if needs be, so it’s got a TV, it’s got a baby gym / floor Mat thing and a rocker / bouncer for ds. I don’t get why you are angry about this.

Who is angry? The only person being arsey is you.

So you have converted the bedroom to spend the summer holidays in already? So you were never planning on having a conversation with him. He is presuming your are OK with this because you already have room you have gone to the effort, to make a space for you and your baby.

Rather than sort the blinds in the living room.

Back to the original point. There doesn't need to be a whole room converted to accommodate you and the baby or just the baby. You did, in fact convert the room for that purpose. So why so annoyed when people point it out?

NO unsolicited

I said earlier in the thread I spent EIGHT WEEKS in that room when I had ds.

I’m really sorry I’m not meaning to shout but it’s so frustrating. You’ve been twisting everything I’ve said in this thread and you’ve made me feel just awful.

How you are feeling is just as valid as he's enjoyment of being at home.

But you do need to express those thoughts beyond MN because nothing will change and nothing will be understood without communicating. It doesn't have to be go to the office it can just be "when you do this...I feel like this...".

Maybe this can't be resolved but it can be explored and hopefully the two of you will understand each other and make small changes which might contribute to you feeling better.

And not that it matters but I’ve had the telly years.

I just moved it into the bedroom, and the playmat and bouncer I bought for ds before he was born. I thought he’d use them in the lounge but that proved hard so moved them into the bedroom.

That’s not converting a room, that’s moving a few things!

Possibly not we’ll see. I have no confidence I can make him understand, as I’ve made s small tv and playmat sound like the height of luxurious living?

@jasmineblossoms

NO unsolicited

I said earlier in the thread I spent EIGHT WEEKS in that room when I had ds.

I’m really sorry I’m not meaning to shout but it’s so frustrating. You’ve been twisting everything I’ve said in this thread and you’ve made me feel just awful.

I haven't twisted anything I have quoted you.

You said the bedroom wasn't suitable for him to work in. You did say you previously spent time in there. You THEN mentioned it had been converted to suit you and the baby, because you can't worn the blinds and won't talk to him about changing them.

You won't have a converstation, which maes people, why?

You should have had to spend 8 weeks on there at all.

I think its clear (for whatever reason) you want him out and the house to yourself, some days. So all suggestions are not going to work. Not even speaking to him, will be accepted by you.

I can't see if the issue is you or him, tbh. Or a bit of both. Or if the bedroom doesn't work evacuee of his equipment or hearing him or because that room is already been used.

But good luck.