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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want WFH DP in the office

319 replies

jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 07:36

So judging from the WFH threads on here I am probably taking my life into my hands but here goes.

I work term time only. Obviously this has its advantages.

I would like DP in the office for a couple of days a week for the next six weeks, mainly so that I can have friends visit.

I’m wondering how to phrase this so it doesn’t sound like ‘fuck off out of your own home’ Grin

(A big challenge is that DP doesn’t mind noise. It’s me who minds making it and him listening!)

OP posts:
Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 08:20

That sounds very similar to us trying - dining room which is one door from the lounge and attached to the kitchen.

The problem is he doesn’t care how much noise I make, but I do! Plus it’s difficult to sit in the lounge as it’s far too bright, the dining room and kitchen are off limits, so it does restrict where you can go.

OP posts:
Wrotten · 17/07/2021 08:21

Oh I know there are strong responses. I genuinely can’t see where I’m being unreasonable, though. That’s not me being awkward, I can’t see it.

Then why ask in AIBU?

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 08:22

Isn’t that the point of AIBU? Again, I’m not being contentious! I’m just puzzled!

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 17/07/2021 08:23

Does he drive to work? Is his workplace quiet enough that he doesn't really risk get pinged?

DH is back to work which is great but I dread him needing to isolate over the next 3 weeks. Sorry it's on my mind because a lot of friends are having to do it at the moment and it's driving them a bit mad!

arcof · 17/07/2021 08:25

Why don't you just explain all this to him

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/07/2021 08:26

I can go into the office but a mask has to be worn all day. I'm not willingly going to wear a mask for 8 hours when I don't need to. I'd go upstairs or something.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 08:30

He does drive to work, yeah. He’s had both jabs and I can’t see him being pinged but if he does he does. Not sure what the rules are regarding isolations after 19th July.

why don’t you just explain all this to him

Well, because he’s been at home since the beginning of March (this happened before the first lockdown.)

It’s obviously now mid July the following year. It’s difficult to bring it up in some ways.

The other relevant thing is this is his house I’ve moved into. So I don’t quite feel the same amount of ownership and confidence I might if it was a shared property.

hunter it’s a bungalow. No upstairs.

OP posts:
sirfredfredgeorge · 17/07/2021 08:30

I don’t want friends around when he’s WFH for the same reason that he probably wouldn’t want me to come along when he goes to the pub or to his mates house, I suppose - I don’t think that’s too contentious

Not contentious at all, it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to push off out of the way and head to the office, and unless there are good reasons for him to not want to go - and there may be, and he could articulate them and you should listen - he should do it.

NakedAttraction · 17/07/2021 08:31

How would you feel if he asked you to leave the house for 2 evenings every week for 6 weeks?

The odd occasion is fine. But twice a week for 6 weeks is a bit much if it’s purely for an empty house for a couple of hours entertaining time.

Can’t you go and visit your friends sometimes too?

You just have a hell of a lot of friends who don’t work/only work term time if you need him to vacate the property that many times!

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 08:32

Thanks fred Smile

OP posts:
drspouse · 17/07/2021 08:32

Tiny desk upstairs maybe?
I do sympathise as I'm going into the office (thankfully I have my own and it's a half hour bike ride) on DH day off/kids at home day, in fact I did this on one school holiday when we weren't strictly allowed unless "essential", I took my own lunch and hid out all day!

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 08:34

naked it’s not the same comparison though because I don’t spend anything like as much time in the house as he does.

If he asked me now I would probably feel a bit hurt. (And this is why I want to be tactful about it.)

If I’d only left the house a handful of times in the past year and a half and if he had a chunk of holiday before a fairly relentless eight weeks I like to think i would understand that.

can’t you go and visit your friends sometimes too

Hmm yes but you see all this - it’s forcing me out of the house, isn’t it? And sometimes I’d quite like to stay in.

Having friends round is one reason. I’d also like to have a bit more space sometimes. As otherwise as I’ve said I’m restricted to quite a small area of the house.

OP posts:
bumblingbovine49 · 17/07/2021 08:37

@jasmineblossoms

There aren’t blinds, they are curtains. In any event, this is the problem sometimes with threads like this as people start honing in on details and it starts to become a bit ridiculous.

Friends visit, dp is sat in a room with closer curtains and windows in the height of summer and that’s somehow more sensible than ‘do you mind going to the office.’

Plus the fact that I would have to have everything ready first, no going in and out of the kitchen, then if the weather is bad or too hot what do we do?

It’s bonkers. I’m really surprised so many think I’m totally unreasonable.

If you don't want your husband around when you meet friends, meet them outside or in the pub. Alternatively ask him about specific days in advance as you arrange them . I'd be beyond pissed off if DH said I should work in the office ( or a coffee shop!) regularly just so I could have set days a week that I could spontaneously invite friends over to talk about things I didn't want him to hear !!!
bumblingbovine49 · 17/07/2021 08:39

just so he could have set days a week that he could spontaneously invite friends over to talk about things he didn't want me to hear !!!

Not sure what happened with my pronouns there Confused

MyriadeOfThings · 17/07/2021 08:40

Well it’s his house so he shouldn’t have to move out like this.

It’s also YOUR house so you shouldn’t have to move out to Costa to see friends either.

Seeing the thread about the trampoline, I’d say it’s a house first rather than an office so he should make the effort and go to the office.

In reality, I’d advise you to have a chat with him and find a compromise. So maybe not every week, maybe you can go to Costa some times but he also gives you space to see friends etc….

Basically it’s not because it’s work and he is a man, he shouldn’t compromise and make an effort.

CantStandMeow · 17/07/2021 08:42

We both have the option of a blend of wfh and office. I absolutely would go in a couple of days a week if asked, and I know DH would too. We often get people in our office for odd days because of partners or kids having plans at home. I can't see what's so contentious about it

LividLaVidaLoca · 17/07/2021 08:42

I think it’s okay to ask.

In our last house DH would’ve been wfh in the kitchen and summer st home would’ve been unbearable.

We’ve moved and he’s built a home office in the garden. MASSIVE privilege and frankly a marriage saver Grin

Noterook · 17/07/2021 08:43

Have you spoken to him about it? It would annoy me if he was home all of the time in honesty, but none of us can say what's reasonable or not as ultimately its up to him whether he will go in. I don't think it's unreasonable to talk about it though, maybe test the waters by saying you'd like friends round and it would be good if he was happy to go into the office.

MyriadeOfThings · 17/07/2021 08:43

@bumblingbovine49, but it’s his house as much as yours.
Why is your enjoyment of the house trumping his?

Is it because it’s about an unworthy to you activity (friends) whereas you have a worthy activity (work)?

Couchbettato · 17/07/2021 08:45

I would ask him, but I'd preface the request by saying he has every right to say no, but just ask him if you can come to a compromise because it's very important to you.

Is he friends with your friends as well? He may want some social interaction too.

If he's got his own friends why not both have 1 night a week where you both find somewhere else to be so you can have that social time?

I think every week for 6 weeks is a big ask though but put it on the table and be prepared to get haggled down as part of the compromise.

MyriadeOfThings · 17/07/2021 08:46

@CantStandMeow

We both have the option of a blend of wfh and office. I absolutely would go in a couple of days a week if asked, and I know DH would too. We often get people in our office for odd days because of partners or kids having plans at home. I can't see what's so contentious about it
I agree there.

But there seems to be a big bunch of. MNtters who enjoy so much wfh that they are. now refusing to also acknowledge that a house should also be used as a house and all the people there have an equal say on how said house is being used.

dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2021 08:50

I think a couple days a week is too much. You're more likely to get a positive response if you ask for a few days over the holidays.

What do you mean the lounge is too bright to sit in? Surely that's fixable?

I suppose some of us can't relate because I genuinely wouldn't care if DH was home when I had friends over.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 08:51

It isn’t just having friends around, though. That’s an example of things that are difficult.

It’s really not wanting to spend five weeks out of the house or trapped in one restricted area. That’s the thing bovine you might be “beyond pissed off” but it’s supposedly a shared home, so it does piss me off too, although I don’t voice it.

OP posts:
newnortherner111 · 17/07/2021 08:51

A decision about going into an office should not be about you and your DH, but about the work done, and the risk to others. One more person in an office than necessary affects those who genuinely have to be there.

You are wanting to have friends round, where there is the option to meet somewhere else I am sure (outdoors if you have the fine weather many of us have).

You need to have a conversation about noise, or perhaps if DHs work can be at varied times on some days of the week (my guess is probably it can with a bit of thought and planning).

FlamingoQueen · 17/07/2021 08:51

I would hate my DH to be home when my friends come over. He will clear off into the lounge if we’re at the kitchen table (I only have the 2 rooms downstairs) but I still feel like he’s listening, which he probably isn’t!
I would politely say ‘I’d really like to invite my friends over for the day a couple of times in the holidays - when are the best days for you to go to the office so I can do this?’
I would just be honest and say it’s not the same when there’s someone listening and you want to be able to relax.

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