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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want WFH DP in the office

319 replies

jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 07:36

So judging from the WFH threads on here I am probably taking my life into my hands but here goes.

I work term time only. Obviously this has its advantages.

I would like DP in the office for a couple of days a week for the next six weeks, mainly so that I can have friends visit.

I’m wondering how to phrase this so it doesn’t sound like ‘fuck off out of your own home’ Grin

(A big challenge is that DP doesn’t mind noise. It’s me who minds making it and him listening!)

OP posts:
Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 09:33

That isn’t really it though rj but you’re right I am horrible.

OP posts:
amission · 17/07/2021 09:33

@RJnomore1

I’m working from home and if my husband suggested I should go to the office so he could socialise Id be incredibly pissed off.

It’s not the first thread I’ve seen on here complaining about people doing their jobs being an inconvenience. It doesn’t make it any less unreasonable or actually downright nasty.

Really? But homes are meant for socialising.

I think you've got this the wrong way around.

dapsnotplimsolls · 17/07/2021 09:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you need to make it clear that you find it difficult to relax and enjoy your holiday while feeling trapped in one room and feeling like you have to be quiet, every weekday, for 6 weeks. Ask him how he'd feel if he had to spend 8 hours on a Saturday in one room, being quiet and then times that by 30.

Roodicus21 · 17/07/2021 09:34

I wouldn't put off my plans of having people around during your oldish time. I know if I told dh my friends were coming around (usually with dc) he'd be out the door straight away!

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 09:35

But mine doesn’t, he comes and stands there for a while and even when he does go back to work he is in the room right next to where we’d be so we can’t talk properly as calls etc. Anyway it doesn’t matter. It’s just hard thinking this is how life is now.

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Aprilx · 17/07/2021 09:36

@jasmineblossoms

why don’t you meet your friends at costa

Mostly because I’d quite like them to see where I live (only moved here about ten months ago) and also for friends coming from a fair way away it’s a bit more relaxing and comfortable. That’s not to say we might not go out for lunch but I can’t imagine driving for two hours then sitting for an hour in Costa is fair really.

So you need them to see where you live six times?

Sorry no I don’t see where you are coming from. If he is out of the way and is not insisting you keep the noise down then I think it is his choice and it is not up to you to banish him from the house.

RJnomore1 · 17/07/2021 09:37

Acht no you’re not I’m being unsympathetic because I’ve not had enough coffee

The issue is the house now I think about. I get being driven mad by both being there all the time and MN is a safe place to complain we all do it. But it’s not his fault it’s not your fault - I don’t think chasing him out is the solution you do either need to adapt the house (move work stuff and get a wifi amplifier thingy to the spare room, look at screening the living room more or something) or consider whether you can move somewhere more suitable

You don’t sound horrible at all just frustrated.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 09:37

It’s not just about friends.

I’d like to see friends, make a noise, and not be effectively confined to a small area of the house.

Basically I’d like to use the communal areas, but that’s DPs workplace so I can’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 09:38

Everyone’s house is different I might do a diagram when I’ve got a minute but there is literally nowhere in it he could go.

OP posts:
amission · 17/07/2021 09:40

OP I hear you. I had stereo zoom calls all day at one point, husband in meetings and child in lessons.

I couldn't wait to go to work and even upped my hours to get out as much as possible. It was insufferable.

Devondonkey · 17/07/2021 09:40

I think you’re being totally fair enough. Houses were designed for living in, not having one or two people working in them indefinitely. It compromises your ability to enjoy your house, so absolutely reasonable to talk about office options.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 17/07/2021 09:41

@jasmineblossoms It won’t be life forever. Even the places that optimistically heralded a new generation of working from home and good work/life balance have admitted that…

But right now, it’s too soon to have people back. Even the government have told people not to rush back.

And although your home situation sounds rubbish; and I do sympathise - I’m in a one bed flat, there’s only the living room that I can work in, me and DH have spent 18 months basically in the same room… there’s no nice way to ask him to leave multiple times a week, especially when you’d like him to go out because you don’t want to.

Meet in the middle? Ask for two or three dates that he’ll be in the office over the next five weeks; that you can have a full day at home?

Then plan to go out two or three times to meet your friends or just be out.

It’s not ideal - but ideal isn’t possible for much right now. And his ideal would probably vary from yours anyway…

I’m guessing moving isn’t an option, and you’ve explored the options for him working elsewhere; and they’re no-gos. So there will be an element of working around each other; where you can, so that everyone is okay, even if it’s not everyone’s perfect situation.

You’re not alone in hating this; or struggling, but there’s no easy answer Flowers

Whiskycav · 17/07/2021 09:41

@jasmineblossoms

But mine doesn’t, he comes and stands there for a while and even when he does go back to work he is in the room right next to where we’d be so we can’t talk properly as calls etc. Anyway it doesn’t matter. It’s just hard thinking this is how life is now.
Well then there's need to be compromise on both parts. If his equipment came home it can be moved up stairs.

Are you friends really going to drive 2 hours to yours, every week in the holidays?

Do you really never use your living room, during daylight hours?

If this equipment can not be moved how does he get it to the office? Or does this unmovable equipment also exist in the office.

Even if it took a day to move it, he could.

He could definitely make this more workable and I think you could be a bit more realistic.

If dp said 'I am having my mates round next week, any chance you can work in the office' I probably would. But not 2 days per week, every week.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 09:42

It sort of is, though … the office is open but if he doesn’t want to go back and it I’m unreasonable to ask him to then it’s me and ds stuck in a bedroom and that is shit!

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Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 09:43

It’s not just my friends but I’m explaining that as it’s something I just haven’t been able to do.

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ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/07/2021 09:43

I wish mine would go to the office a couple of days a week too.

This is a cry l hear from many people! Including children!

Whiskycav · 17/07/2021 09:44

jasmineblossomsIt won’t be life forever. Even the places that optimistically heralded a new generation of working from home and good work/life balance have admitted that

Not sure that's true. Our company was always clear it wasn't permanent. But it just been confirmed, last week, that most of us won't be going back FT. My team have to do 2 days a month in the office and thats it.

We work with governement and following their model.

I don't know anyone whose employer is planning on having them back FT. Some people will be. But I don't think it's a given.

Whiskycav · 17/07/2021 09:46

@jasmineblossoms

It sort of is, though … the office is open but if he doesn’t want to go back and it I’m unreasonable to ask him to then it’s me and ds stuck in a bedroom and that is shit!
No you shouldn't be stuck in the bedroom.

He can work on the bedroom. This is the point. You may nor get him out of the house regularly but he can be out of the way.

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 09:48

I’ve explained he can’t whiskey, there’s only one bedroom that he could feasibly work from and since that’s in exactly the same position as where he currently is just the other side it would be a lot of expense and hassle for no real ‘gains.’ And plus that conversation would be every bit as unreasonable as please can you go to the office for a couple of days.

Basically it’s either DPs home and office and me and ds have to adapt to that. Or it’s our family home.

It’s the former, so I’ll have to get on with it but it does make my life difficult is all.

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Hont1986 · 17/07/2021 09:49

Obviously it would be nice for you if you had the place to yourself. But it is unreasonable, so YABU. WFH is becoming the new normal, you're going to have to adapt. And this stuff about not being able to use the living room because it has the wrong kind of blinds is being wilfully difficult imho.

MiddleParking · 17/07/2021 09:49

Whenever anyone comes on and posts about how they don’t want to go back to the office because WFH and not commuting suits them they get absolutely slaughtered and told to ‘get back to work’. He signed up to a job that was over an hour away, doing that twice a week for the sake of your family’s overall happiness/convenience/breathing space from each other doesn’t seem like a particularly cruel request - plenty of people have continued to do longer commutes than that five or six times a week the whole time. It’s ridiculous that people are acting like it’s totally normal for your living space to become your partner’s permanent workplace without your agreement and shouldn’t be complained about.

Goshitstricky · 17/07/2021 09:51

I get you OP, my husband has worked slap bang in the middle of the kitchen for a year since we moved here and if I hear "I'm on a callll!" Once more I might shove his laptop where the sun doesn't shine.

It's a huge intrusion into the home to have to constantly be aware of his work, my teenager can't come down in his boxers incase the camera in on (a daily argument)

I feel like I can't be in there making meals because of the noise I'm making, it's our main room in the house, it used to be the job of the house and now it's not a nice place to be.

DH isn't allowed back yet to the office but taken he is it will be split 3/2 home/office.

Im soon to be taking a job working term time only, I'm worried about when I will get 'me' days if I'm honest, they keep me going and not having had them over Covid had really dented my MH.

Anyway, back to you. If just casually bring it up, "DH, the summer holidays are approaching and me and the DC will be here making all sorts of racket, do you think it would be a good idea if you spent a couple days a week in the office?"

Notonthestairs · 17/07/2021 09:51

Can you get a WiFi booster upstairs? I have three Grin

I think you also need to be tougher with yourself about taking up space and noise. If it's inconvenient for him he will move - and no I don't mean being deliberately noisy, just go about your business.

DH has been home since 13/3/20 - I don't go out of my way to be noisy but I definitely don't hold back otherwise.

Wanttocry · 17/07/2021 09:51

YABU if he doesn’t mind you having people over/making noise. You’re the one with the issue so you should meet your friends elsewhere. If he was insisting on quiet, then he should go into the office .

Original poster
jasmineblossoms · 17/07/2021 09:51

It honestly isn’t me being difficult.

If I sit in the living room

  1. The sun shines directly in if it’s a bright day and my ds cries. If I let the blinds down dp goes on and on about it. (I always do it wrong.)
  1. It’s hard to just relax, every time ds shouts or cries a bit he comes in.
  1. I find it harder to interact with ds, watch telly, listen to the radio.

It’s not me being difficult I promise. Or maybe it is. I don’t really know any more!

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