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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step daughter and bedroom size

607 replies

Squeakysqueal · 15/07/2021 23:36

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
TomHardysPyjamas · 16/07/2021 17:15

I imagine that if this was being suggested as the only workable solution, OP would be accused of using DSD as an unpaid night nanny.

TomHardysPyjamas · 16/07/2021 17:16

That was meant to quote Bibidy

Bibidy · 16/07/2021 17:18

@TomHardysPyjamas

I imagine that if this was being suggested as the only workable solution, OP would be accused of using DSD as an unpaid night nanny.
Well yeah, and people would be saying that it wasn't fair on an 11yo to share with a small baby who will be going to bed loads earlier and waking them up through the night, how is she supposed to concentrate at school on broken sleep etc etc. Which I completely agree with!

Also, I think if OP was suggesting that SD and her DD has to share the bigger room, many people would be insisting she gets the small room to herself as she needs space and privacy etc.

Here OP is offering her own room ahead of her own DD or her baby, and she is still in the wrong? I just don't get it.

To me, SD in her own room, even if it's small, is the very best outcome for her.

CecilyP · 16/07/2021 17:19

So Stepmums kids get the best rooms and Cinders gets the boxroom. Poor show.

You do know that a box room is not actually a cardboard box. Better to call it a single bedroom and as she is a single girl it should be just fine . She is not being sent to sleep on a rat-infested cellar floor!

It makes the most practical sense. As well as themselves, kids have a lot of stuff. DSD can store half her stuff in another bedroom at her mums. None of the other kids have that option. The boy gets a larger bedroom as both he and everything he owns is there all the time. The 2 younger girls share the largest bedroom which can also double up as a playroom. And may give DSD peace to do her homework downstairs. In addition, the younger children will be home more. DSD will be out and about with friends, so may not be home so much as she enters her teenage years.

roarfeckingroarr · 16/07/2021 17:23

Of course she should have the smallest if she is only there half the time and has another bedroom

Datsandcogs · 16/07/2021 17:27

She will be there less than the other children, she gets the smallest room. But she is also the oldest, make it fun with a raised bed to make the most of the space.

Ki0612 · 16/07/2021 17:28

I'd put the baby in the box room and the two girls can share. As if baby anything like my kids their sleep will be disturbed for quite a while and would wake other sibling. Then when baby older dsd can decide if she wants box room to herself or to continue to share with sister. My older son is in box room in high sleeper and hes perfectly happy younger sister has bigger room. So you could make box room sound attractive high sleeper new furniture/decor etc who eventually moves into it.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 16/07/2021 17:35

@funinthesun19

DSD is there 50/50. This is her main home just as much as the other home is.

I don’t agree. Even when children have a 50/50 arrangement, one of their homes will always be classed as their main home and that’s where their better bedroom will be and to me that’s fair.
They will be registered at that address for school, doctors, childcare, the rp still receives maintenance for them and child benefit/tax credits/universal credit.
The rp still makes the majority of decisions and is most “in charge” out of the two parents.

So no, even with a 50/50 arrangement I don’t think it means it’s a main home with the NRP just as much as the one where the RP lives.

Sounds like you know nothing about 50/50 care 🤔
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 16/07/2021 17:49

@Viviennemary

So Stepmums kids get the best rooms and Cinders gets the boxroom. Poor show.
Oh stop it. You just hate step mum's.
GreyhoundG1rl · 16/07/2021 17:56

Sounds like you know nothing about 50/50 care 🤔
Can you explain why that post isn't the case? I don't know anything either, but I'd have assumed (incorrectly?) that a child wouldn't officially have two main residences.

Bibidy · 16/07/2021 18:03

@GreyhoundG1rl

Sounds like you know nothing about 50/50 care 🤔 Can you explain why that post isn't the case? I don't know anything either, but I'd have assumed (incorrectly?) that a child wouldn't officially have two main residences.
I think it's more because in the child's mind, it's not about the official classification of her home but that she's spending an equal time in both homes so may not consider one her 'main'.

Obvs she probably only has one official address though, but That shouldn't impact on the bedroom thing.

GreyhoundG1rl · 16/07/2021 18:04

Yes, of course.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 16/07/2021 18:15

@GreyhoundG1rl

Sounds like you know nothing about 50/50 care 🤔 Can you explain why that post isn't the case? I don't know anything either, but I'd have assumed (incorrectly?) that a child wouldn't officially have two main residences.
There isn't a law that everything has to be registered at the same address. In fact it can make sense to have things different things registered in either address. It's literally shared custody...there isn't a 'main house' or 'main parent'.

Child benefit- claim by the parent who earns under £50k or whatever the cut off is

GP- registered in the address which is in the catchment for the better surgery

School- registered in the address in the catchment of the better school

UCAS- register in the household with the lower income

Etc etc etc.

GreyhoundG1rl · 16/07/2021 18:16

I see, thanks.

cadburyegg · 16/07/2021 18:23

I don’t think there is a perfect solution.

There is a 5 year gap between DSD11 and DD6 so if they shared then this would mean DSD couldn’t really use her room after 8pm-ish because DD would be asleep. Couldn’t study, etc. Obviously some sisters do share with each other right up until they leave home but often there is a smaller age gap than this.

I don’t think DSD should share with baby for the same reason and more, she will likely be woken in the night.

It makes sense for DS to have the big room because that’s his only home and all of his stuff is kept there, and plus he can study in there. DD and baby can have other big room which they can share. Again, all their stuff is in there. Both children are girls so won’t need to be split.

Which leaves DSD with the smaller room. I don’t blame her for being upset but this way she doesn’t have to share and be disturbed at night. But she isn’t thinking that far in advance and doesn’t know the reality of babies. She just sees it as she has to have a smaller room than what she is used to. She can’t use logic the way adults can.

Is there any way you can get her an IKEA style wardrobe/desk combo? IKEA also have some ideas on smaller bedroom spaces. Or is it possible to create shelves/built in space for shelves and clothes etc. If there really is no way she can have what she needs in her room then try and make sure she has some dedicated space downstairs which she can use in the evenings.

OP you may find that over the next few years she is round less. Some children don’t want to go between houses so much as they get older. If she is happy with the living arrangement at yours and can still study and have friends round, this might be less likely to happen.

HopingForABetterYear · 16/07/2021 18:25

[quote Goldielow]@Squeakysqueal

Who has the most stuff? Base it off that. Whoever needs the bigger rooms gets them.[/quote]
Exactly this. Sallee children have more toys etc. My 11 dd only uses her desk and bed. You could put storage on the walls for clothes. Or have a high sleeper with desk/ storage underneath.

HopingForABetterYear · 16/07/2021 18:31

*small

mamaoffourdc · 16/07/2021 18:55

I think
Ds in one room
Dsd and dd6 share
Baby in the box

RedRoomAvenger · 16/07/2021 19:02

@Nanny0gg

Post heading - Stepdaughter…

How about the OP’s husband posts. Then it’s Daughter

What answers then?

I actually think the Dad would be given a harder time than the OP.

"I have an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship and a six year old dd with partner as well as an 11 year old stepson, we're moving house soon, it's the same number of bedrooms but one is much smaller and we also have another baby on the way, I think my daughter from my previous relationship should have the box room that will only fit a bed and wardrobe in, because my eldest stepson doesn't spend time at his own Dads and my eldest dd is only here 50 per cent of the time, it makes sense that the child I who only lives me half the time gets the box room so that the children I live with full time get the bigger ones but she feels I'm treating my other children more favourably because I don't have her as much, she has her own room at her mums and the box room means she won't have to share with our new baby but she still feels it's unfair and says she doesn't mind sharing with the baby. My stepson shouldn't have the box room cos he's here seven nights a week whereas she's only here two or three, I even told her she can choose how it's decorated"

I can imagine the responses he'd get on here.

funinthesun19 · 16/07/2021 19:03

Sounds like you know nothing about 50/50 care 🤔

I do, thanks.

Famousinlove · 16/07/2021 19:08

I would put both girl's bed in one of the bigger rooms, then make the box room as a chill out area with a day bed/small sofa/desk and tv for either of them to use if they want space/privacy

CecilyP · 16/07/2021 19:09

What about the baby?

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2021 19:12

It sounds just as reasonable in your example as it does in the OP

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2021 19:13

@aSofaNearYou

It sounds just as reasonable in your example as it does in the OP
Sorry, that was for RedRoomAvenger
Teenyton · 16/07/2021 19:16

"GreyhoundG1rl

Sounds like you know nothing about 50/50 care 🤔
Can you explain why that post isn't the case? I don't know anything either, but I'd have assumed (incorrectly?) that a child wouldn't officially have two main residences.

I think it's more because in the child's mind, it's not about the official classification of her home but that she's spending an equal time in both homes so may not consider one her 'main'.

Obvs she probably only has one official address though, but That shouldn't impact on the bedroom thing."

Exactly. You're just hiding behind a technicality. She's 50-50. It's her home period.

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