Step daughter and bedroom size

[Squeakysqueal]

I would appreciate some advice on this situation. We have Step DD who’s 11 and lives 50/50 between ours and her mum’s, DS also 11, and DD who’s 6, who live with us full time and a baby on the way. We’re moving house and our new house isn’t quite as big, the same amount of bedrooms but smaller. The plan has been for Step DD to have the smallest room and DS and DD to have the slightly bigger rooms. Step DD is upset by how small her room is, it is a small room so I understand that. There’s only really space for a single bed and a wardrobe or drawers. DH has suggested DD going in the smaller room with her being quite a bit younger but I think it makes sense with living arrangements for step DD to have it. Especially as when the baby is old enough she’ll be sharing the bigger room. Step DD says she wouldn’t mind sharing with the baby in the future but I think she definitely will, she’ll be a teenager by then. We could have DS in the small room but again with him being here full time and step DD part time it makes sense. She feels like there’s some favouritism going on and I can see why it feels that way from her perspective but that’s definitely not the case. I’ve said we can decorate the room however she likes but she’s just not happy with the situation

@SpongebobNoPants

Also 2 x (potentially) tiny bedrooms for SD is still better than 1 x tiny bedroom for DS.

I don’t agree; what about all the disruption and never feeling like anywhere is home?

@RoseGoldEagle

If your step DD was with you every other weekend or something then I think the decision would be easier. But 50 % is a lot. As a rational adult of course it seems logical to give the bigger rooms to the children who are there 100% of the time, but it’s more complicated than that isn’t it, she’s only 11 and even if she’s not there all the time, it’s still her home half the time, and that must be in itself difficult at times. 11 is a difficult age. If she was there all the time, what would you do? Because I think you should do that. I’d give a larger room to both DS and to her, and have the 6 year old in the smaller room.

It doesn’t matter. She still gets the choice of box room or half a room with another sibling.

I don’t agree; what about all the disruption and never feeling like anywhere is home?

Why would the size of the room make a difference to that? And more to the point, why would it make a difference to one SC and not another?

Not to sound rude OP but why on earth are you downsizing when you have a baby on the way? Surely you'd be aware that space will become an issue?

I feel bad for your DSD. She has been sidelined because she isn't your daughter. Poor kid.

If you gave the largest room in the house to your 6 yo and youd 11 yo dsd, would you be able to do this op?

I’m thinking if the largest room is double the size of the box, all 3 girls get the same space. And the girls would have the added bonus of not being woken up by the baby as your baby could have the box.

There is unlikely to be a window in one half of the room so you’d need an archway between them rather than a door and your dsd should get the bit furthest away from the bedroom to get the most privacy.

In a couple of years when your baby will presumably more settled, your dsd could go into the box if she wanted. By that stage she will probably appreciate being able to get away from her siblings.

If she was there all the time, what would you do? Because I think you should do that. I’d give a larger room to both DS and to her, and have the 6 year old in the smaller room.

With the baby due, she would no doubt still plan on either the 6 year old sharing with the baby (and so needing to be in the bigger room), or the 6 and 11 year old girls sharing and the baby having the box room. So either way, she wouldn't be getting that big room to herself.

Unless it was DS who ended up in the box room, but that begs the question, why him rather than DSD?

@RoseGoldEagle

If your step DD was with you every other weekend or something then I think the decision would be easier. But 50 % is a lot. As a rational adult of course it seems logical to give the bigger rooms to the children who are there 100% of the time, but it’s more complicated than that isn’t it, she’s only 11 and even if she’s not there all the time, it’s still her home half the time, and that must be in itself difficult at times. 11 is a difficult age. If she was there all the time, what would you do? Because I think you should do that. I’d give a larger room to both DS and to her, and have the 6 year old in the smaller room.

But in your scenario, SD will then need to share with the baby in about a year's time?

Surely - appreciating that she moves between homes and may not feel as 'at home' as she would if she lived there full time - the best thing for her is to have space that is her own and guaranteed to remain that way for as long as she wants it? Rather than she gets her own room for a few months before a baby moves in with her?!

Because I would honestly bet that all she is thinking of is securing the bigger room for herself now, and not actually about the fact that a baby and a shit load of stuff will be moving in next year.

If people keep treating step children as victims, they will think of themselves as victims. DSC has a room, albeit a smaller room. It’s still a room she can make her own and find solitude. I slept in a box room until I was 24, I’m not scarred from it.

Castaway
That is because op has decided her ds cannot go in the box room. Not because there aren’t other choices.

I’d give a larger room to both DS and to her, and have the 6 year old in the smaller room.

You’ve forgotten the baby. What would you do with the baby who won’t be a baby for very long!

@MostlyMaple

Not to sound rude OP but why on earth are you downsizing when you have a baby on the way? Surely you'd be aware that space will become an issue?

I feel bad for your DSD. She has been sidelined because she isn't your daughter. Poor kid.

Arghh but she IS her dad's daughter, who decided this plan with OP?! He is not arguing against this. How is OP being blamed for 'sidelining' her?!

The adults have just made a decision based on logic and practicalities. Not because of who they value the most.

Except there's no particular logic in moving from a 4 bedroomed house to another 4 bedroomed, but considerably smaller house.
Op has failed to answer any questions on how the rooms are currently allocated.

I think your plan sounds fine. She’s there half the time and DS is there all the time. Why should ds have a box room when he needs it 24/7.

She should get the box room
DS gets the next biggest room
DD will eventually share with baby in the biggest room.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Castaway That is because op has decided her ds cannot go in the box room. Not because there aren’t other choices.

But if it’s ok for DS to go into the box room then why not DSD? If both were 100% full time residents all kids could toss a coin (presuming they all wanted the bigger rooms) but their not. So how does it make sense to leave a bigger room empty half the time?

You forget that it’s not just OP deciding. It’s also her husband (who is DS’s stepfather)… There are two stepchildren here, not one.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Except there's no particular logic in moving from a 4 bedroomed house to another 4 bedroomed, but considerably smaller house. Op has failed to answer any questions on how the rooms are currently allocated.

But obviously there must be some logic behind it, otherwise they wouldn't have done it. OP just hasn't revealed it to us here.

Maybe they've moved out of a rough area and into a nicer one? Or maybe they've had to move to get SD and DS into a better secondary school? Or maybe they just can no longer afford the extra space? There must be a reason why they've chosen to do this, people don't move to smaller houses for nothing.

As they're currently in a 4-bed, everyone has their own room so it's easier, and maybe the rooms are all similar size. It might just not be an issue now.

It's just tough!

If she was there all the time, what would you do?

Not OP, but personally? 6YO and baby in one of the bigger rooms, and then one of the 11yos in the box room. Possibly switching them every couple of years, unless they were both comfortable with the arrangement. Decided amongst themselves or by coin toss.

However, as OP's DSD is only there half the time, it does make best sense for her to have the box room, possibly with extra storage in DS's room, as his compromise for having the bigger room

A child gets a whole room, decorated how they like with furniture to maximise the space. The horror 🍪

So Stepmums kids get the best rooms and Cinders gets the boxroom. Poor show.

I can see why she's upset, she will definitely feel sidelined

I'd put the smallest in the smallest room & let SDD have a bigger room, but discuss that this will be temporary for a few years & need to be changed around when your youngest is older. By that time SDD will be thinking of Uni/Leaving home anyway, so won't be as upset

@Viviennemary

So Stepmums kids get the best rooms and Cinders gets the boxroom. Poor show.

I must have missed the bit where OP said that her DSD also wasn't allowed to go to the ball.

I must have missed the bit where OP said that her DSD also wasn't allowed to go to the ball.
Jesus 🙄

@Mummyoflittledragon

Castaway That is because op has decided her ds cannot go in the box room. Not because there aren’t other choices.

I just can't believe how quick people are to defend SD's right to be absolutely priority to the hilt, but completely dismiss DS's experience as a FT, live-in stepchild with no relationship with his own father.

Imagine how it could feel in his shoes too. His mum is expecting a new baby with his stepdad, his step-sister is living with them half the time, and then he's told that he's now going to be in the box room because SD wasn't happy with the size of it and she gets first dibs, even though DS will be using his bedroom every single day and she won't.

At least there is some actual rational logic behind SD being the one to go in the smallest room, because she won't need to use it every day. There is no reason to make DS go in there except to give SD her preference.

@GreyhoundG1rl
Except there's no particular logic in moving from a 4 bedroomed house to another 4 bedroomed, but considerably smaller house

There could be loads of reasons…

1. They were renting previously and have now been able to buy

1. Moving into a better catchment area for schools or nicer area for the children to grow up in… think away from a main road and nearer to parks etc

1. Moving due to work

1. Moving to be closer to SD’s mum / school to minimise travel

1. Moving to be closer to OP’s support network as she’s soon to be a mother to 3 young kids and may want family help

1. Current house could be joint owned with one of the couple’s exes who needs paying out from the same

Literally LOADS of possible logical reasons

@Viviennemary

So Stepmums kids get the best rooms and Cinders gets the boxroom. Poor show.

Genuinely, what do you think is fair in this scenario?

Would you think it more fair for SD to share with the baby in one of the bigger rooms?