Elderly neighbour becoming too dependent on us!

[JurassicSal]

We moved into our house about three years ago, next door to an elderly single lady (she has just turned 80years old). When we first met her she was very active, going out and doing things with her friends from the church, holidays away, visits to her family etc, but more recently she seems to be coming more and more dependent on myself and my husband. There are so many things it’s hard to list them all, but we’ve done decorating, house cleaning, gardening, multiple trips to the GP and hospital, shopping and numerous DIY jobs - even simple things like changing the batteries in the TV remote! She’s always wanting things changed in her house and it seems like my husband is forever organising quotes and visits from tradesmen to price the work. This all takes a lot of his time, as she wants him to make all the phone calls and organise visits / appointments.

She recently discovered online shopping, but that’s not without its problems as she constantly changes her mind about goods and wants to return them which involves us having to sort out the paperwork and the packaging / courier collection as she can’t work out how to do it herself. We are both very kind and good natured people but my husband is a lot older than me and retired several years ago and wants to enjoy his retirement - he’s also getting very tired with all this (he does all the driving around as I don’t drive). I also work four days a week and have my own house and garden to look after, so I’m getting very tired with all this. Hardly a day goes by without another request for help for something or other. Our neighbour doesn’t have any disability (other than being little bit unsteady when she walks) and she sees and hears perfectly well.She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away) so I think she is becoming dependent on us for all her help. She keeps telling us she’s constantly singing praises to her family about her “wonderful neighbours” and I feel they are happy for things to stay that way as it absolves them from any responsibility!

I think we have been very generous to her in the past and showered her with kindness but feel now that we are paying the price and as I said feel she is now become almost totally dependent on us for all her day-to-day needs.

Should we just say “no” more often, and if so how to do so without causing offence?. She frequently says “I don’t know what I would do without you two” and “I don’t have anyone else to ask” Is this also a sign of manipulative behaviour? Sometimes we feel like we should move house as it’s the only way to get our lives back…..

Any comments or suggestions gratefully accepted!

@Mischance

Can I put the other side of this?

I was widowed last year and have some long-standing mobility and balance problems, following an accident and a failed hip replacement. So, here I am, living on my own for the first time in my life; and I have just moved to a new-build semi. There are 7 houses in this little development.

Several of my neighbours, including the attached neighbours, have been very kind - they are a young couple in their first home. He mowed my lawn on one occasion - I think he could not bear to watch me struggling! In fact I quite enjoy doing it!

There are lots of things that are now a struggle for me: hanging curtains, some aspects of housework, gardening etc. And I have been used to having a tech-obsessed OH with me - I am by no means a tech virgin as I used it all for work and am pretty competent - but my OH's electronic and other tech kit is very complicated indeed as he did not go in for bog-standard stuff!

Do I bother friends, family, neighbours with these things? Or do I just soldier on without these things being done? I know that if I asked then people would help - but I am loth to do this, as I already ready feel like a spare part in the coupled up world. It is a tough place to be and gets me down greatly. I am still adjusting to being on my own and to the inevitable grief - it is bloody tough - and I do not want to be a nuisance to others.

If you were my neighbour/family member what would you want me to do?

so sorry about your loss. it must be a period of great adjustment. Some of the issues are practical and easily sorted. You can hire a cleaner even for just 2 hours a fortnight if you are finding some tasks difficult and of course hiring a gardener to come say once a month should be ok. Hanging curtains sounds like a one off = it may be that you could ask a neighbour for help. I dont really think you can expect your neighbours to come over and help with housework, household chores and garden maintenance. It would be perfectly reasonable to ask them if they have an numbers for cleaners/handyman/gardeners though. As for the tech stuff - its this a regular problem or a one off issue. A one off may be something you could ask for a neighbour's help but if it is a regular issue would you be able to sell it and get something that you are able to operate for yourself. I know that might be hard emotionally but you may prefer something that works for you. If you have family nearby I would ask them help first for the curtain hanging and tech stuff - depending on how close a relationship you have. Some family members may be happy to come and sort your garden out others not so much or just dont have the time. and same goes for friend with one off tasks... If you were my mom/auntie etc I would want you to let me know you needed help.

There were some good suggestions, I thought, for a similar situation in this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4262325-Elderly-Neighbour?msgid=107930840#107930840

I agree with other PPs that you will both need to sit her down with a cuppa and set out what needs to happen, going forward.
A fair whack of old people tend to become selfish fusspots who think the rest of us have nothing else to do except cater to them.
They really do lose sight of other people's needs.

Her family might not give a hoot either that you're doing all the grunt work. That's not how things always work. I woudn't make any assumptions about that.

Op you have made yourselves too dependable it is no wonder she has come to rely on you.

Too late now but it should never have got to this stage, clear boundaries should have been laid as this situation was entirely predictable. Our nearest elderly neighbour is lovely, we take her bins in etc and have helped her occasionally but if she asked for lifts to appointments I would say we couldn't as you do then set a precedent.

Please don't tell her to contact age UK, that would seem insensitive I'm sure she knows support available.

Just slowly but surely back off, don't be so available and anyone else reading this don't put yourself in saviour roles if you will then complain that people become to depend on you.

Agree Janii. I found I did one thing then she found more errands! Op just keep your boundaries. My cousin aunt ran her ragged she backed off in end just too much. I could see my mother like that but I dont let it now. And zero thanks

I do agree with pps who say it may often be an unwillingness to pay for help even when the person can well afford it. I’ve heard of this many times.

My DM’s demands didn’t really become unreasonable until after she developed dementia. But having given up her car at 80, because she’d become increasingly nervous, she simply would not use taxis for shopping, even though we told her time and again that all the money she was saving in servicing, insurance, etc. would pay for plenty of them.

It was always, ‘But X will take me shopping’ (Dbro who lived closest, I.e. a 20 minute drive away.)
To her, and I dare say many of her generation, taxis were a great extravagance, for emergencies only.

I think husbands were more venerated in the past, not because they were wonderful men, but because they were chauffeurs .

I remember mil being introduced to another 80-year-old lady, a widow, by a mutual acquaintance. “this is my mum Edna. She’s just driven down from dUrham.” “Hmmmph,” replies mil, “I have MY HUSBAND to drive me….”

Very tough situation. We have something similar but our neighbour has no clue about online shopping so its weekly shopping where she has to wander around for hours to get 1/2 bag of groceries (mostly for the cats).
Lawn care and appointments are also ours to do - although she arranges doctor's visits - as she is too frail to drive. We have involved her family but they live abroad and we can't leave her without checking on her well being and keeping food in her fridge, but it's also not our responsibility and any enquiries to age UK or the Doctor's are of course met with the response that she has to ask for help.
I think there is going to be more and more of situations like this as people live longer and on their own without family support. Needs more of a social response I feel.
Thanks for caring though x

I agree it’s likely to become an increasing problem, and it is nice to be neighbourly, eg helping with bins.

BUT talking about a “social response” means spending a great deal of money on people who can often well afford to pay for the type of help they require. Gardening, taxi services, handymen tasks cannot be provided free for people simply because they are elderly. Help to access services is of course important, but providing them for nothing is unfair.

Of course for many you can lead a horse to water but they are not going to drink if it means letting the moths out of their purse!

Why do people keep suggesting that the NDN’s family step up?

OP has said no children. It’s clutching at straws to imagine the niece has time for what the OP and OP’s DH do. She’ll have her own commitments and parents and in laws.

I completely agree with pp - draw your own boundaries! Do not push them onto others as a get-out.

sounds like she has co-opted you into being surrogate AC for her.
for those that do have AC, and perhaps decline to use cabs for appts etc i think they see asking son or daughter to take them as a way of maintaining the relationship.
which is rather sad.
they want contact, communication, and connectedness to their family.
but now that they are no longer useful, the family may become distant. they may feel redundant and forgotten. they are not the centre of anyone's life anymore.
so there has to be a good enough reason to request contact, such as an appt. it is a way of sitting beside their AC for an hour or so, maybe they can squeeze in a coffee while they are out, but AC are so busy with what is important to them, jobs, children, routine.
i think many other cultures think the English are quite heartless re elders.

but it is complicated. and individuals differ, of course.
doing decorating for someone who can afford a professional is crazy.

Have you posted about this before. Pick and choose what you would like to do.

I worked in domicilliary care for years OP, and realised very quickly that older people become very insular and don't really see outside of their own bubble. I'm going through it with my Dad at the moment, who seemingly has little idea that I'm working full time running a business, have 2 dogs, DC still at home and grandkids to all fit in.......

She won't have a clue that you're busy, tired or struggling because she's not seeing past her own needs - and she probably worries about things that to you are utterly irrelevant. You're going to have to be very forthright, and next time she asks for help ie changing a lightbulb you say "yes I can help, but I'm really pushed at the moment so will come round and do it on X day". You're not rude, you don't say No but you start doing things on your terms and not hers. Unless of course it's an emergency situation. That removes any resentment. You could even allocate her a 2 hr slot once a week so you're mentally prepared...... and can do several things in one go.

I've got into the routine of going to see Dad for a 2 hr visit at the weekend, so he then doesn't bother me with constant "oh this isn't working" and "I need X" as he writes a list during the week and I can do it all in one go for him.

.

I do agree with pps who say it may often be an unwillingness to pay for help even when the person can well afford it. I’ve heard of this many times.

This for sure & I'm almost wondering if some of you might be DFs neighbours as this could also be him & I have absolutely no idea what he tells his neighbours about me, but it expect it not to be true.

I've tried for years to get him to sign up for medilink emergency care for example. It was under £12, & he is wealthy, but he refused point blank as "why should I have to pay for it" & "that's what I've got you for"

I live 300 miles away & he frequently stops talking to me if I dare suggest he needs help & to pay for it

How did you get on OP? Did you manage to have a talk with her, make some alternative arrangements?

@JurassicSal what happened OP? Did you manage to sort things?

She booked a 3 day Christmas break in a local seaside hotel (we live on the coast) after we told her we had family staying with us over Christmas. Problem solved we thought, but Omicron had other ideas and she has cancelled. Now we’re back to feeling guilty because she’ll be sitting next door on her own on Christmas Day

OP this is weird that this popped up now....

I wouldn't worry about her being alone, I would just keep quiet. She didn't have to cancel her plan.

How has it been with her since you last posted?

You sound very nice but sometimes you have to harden your heart. We have elderly neighbours (a couple) who are known in the building for taking the piss. We had to assert boundaries very firmly within 3 weeks of them moving in.

Yesterday I nearly offered to help them as she's just returned from hospital and I was shocked to see her. But she said herself she's got two other families in this block helping as well as her own family who are in walking distance, so I just politely said "you know where we are if you need anything".

Your neighbour is not in need, she just takes the mickey.

Thanks for your helpful comments, and yes we have recently reset our boundaries and are now much firmer with her.

@JurassicSal

She booked a 3 day Christmas break in a local seaside hotel (we live on the coast) after we told her we had family staying with us over Christmas. Problem solved we thought, but Omicron had other ideas and she has cancelled. Now we’re back to feeling guilty because she’ll be sitting next door on her own on Christmas Day

Don't feel guilty. She made a choice, she'll be fine. She could have gone to family instead. Keep firm OP, she is not your family etc and you've done loads.

@JurassicSal

Thanks for your helpful comments, and yes we have recently reset our boundaries and are now much firmer with her.

Oh that's good Btw when I say it's weird this popped up now, I meant because I was literally thinking of our neighbour!

she'd not have cancelled the hotel if she was okay spending xmas with others.

This sounds difficult. I don’t think you should feel guilt that she as at home alone over Christmas though, you have your own family staying and presumably if she is worried about omicron there is a risk of her catching it from your gathering.

Check your local salvation army, churches and community organisations who'll be providing a Christmas dinner. My local Sally army has an open house Christmas lunch for anyone who needs it. Pre covid, the local care home did a similar lunch for the local elderly who were alone on Christmas day. Finding an alternative arrangement might help you feel less guilty so you can enjoy Christmas day with your family.

I think there are lots of lonely elderly out there at the moment. We're also helping our neighbour too.
I think you could offer to help organise a cleaner) gardener etc. Or suggest she asks family for help. Lockdown has effected everyone in different ways. My neighbor won't leave the house now and recently had a fall. It's lovely you're helping her.