Elderly neighbour becoming too dependent on us!

[JurassicSal]

We moved into our house about three years ago, next door to an elderly single lady (she has just turned 80years old). When we first met her she was very active, going out and doing things with her friends from the church, holidays away, visits to her family etc, but more recently she seems to be coming more and more dependent on myself and my husband. There are so many things it’s hard to list them all, but we’ve done decorating, house cleaning, gardening, multiple trips to the GP and hospital, shopping and numerous DIY jobs - even simple things like changing the batteries in the TV remote! She’s always wanting things changed in her house and it seems like my husband is forever organising quotes and visits from tradesmen to price the work. This all takes a lot of his time, as she wants him to make all the phone calls and organise visits / appointments.

She recently discovered online shopping, but that’s not without its problems as she constantly changes her mind about goods and wants to return them which involves us having to sort out the paperwork and the packaging / courier collection as she can’t work out how to do it herself. We are both very kind and good natured people but my husband is a lot older than me and retired several years ago and wants to enjoy his retirement - he’s also getting very tired with all this (he does all the driving around as I don’t drive). I also work four days a week and have my own house and garden to look after, so I’m getting very tired with all this. Hardly a day goes by without another request for help for something or other. Our neighbour doesn’t have any disability (other than being little bit unsteady when she walks) and she sees and hears perfectly well.She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away) so I think she is becoming dependent on us for all her help. She keeps telling us she’s constantly singing praises to her family about her “wonderful neighbours” and I feel they are happy for things to stay that way as it absolves them from any responsibility!

I think we have been very generous to her in the past and showered her with kindness but feel now that we are paying the price and as I said feel she is now become almost totally dependent on us for all her day-to-day needs.

Should we just say “no” more often, and if so how to do so without causing offence?. She frequently says “I don’t know what I would do without you two” and “I don’t have anyone else to ask” Is this also a sign of manipulative behaviour? Sometimes we feel like we should move house as it’s the only way to get our lives back…..

Any comments or suggestions gratefully accepted!

[quote Rubyupbeat]@starfishmummy
I have read her list, and I agree it's a lot, but no more than I would do, where would you draw the line then?
They are good neighbours, should be more like them.[/quote]
Like with most things there is a line. Of course I would shop for a neighbour who couldnt get out, run them to the hospital or doctors, change her remote batteries but being asked to do more is heading to CF territory
The person has family. (It says in the OP she would visit them). Where are they in all of this?

Its not nice lido. She full of mind games when I call. Think her neighbour dreads her. The poor kiddies cant play on their swing without her moaning. Im jaded from it all. Its all about her. 78

Oh, you should have nipped this in the bud years ago unless she started paying you . Your stock answer is, 'You can call your family and ask about that.'

I'd suggest speaking with your local age concern about available local services, arm yourself with phone numbers etc & then have a firm chat with her, explaining that you are both getting older yourselves & the amount of support you give her is unsustainable fir the sake of your own health & family time

Good luck

@JurassicSal Eeek, what an awful situation. And it's not going to get better, until you move - or SHE moves or shuffles off her mortal coil.

It's a bit of a cheek - and wrong - to regularly depend on others. It's so unfair, as many people have their own set of responsibilities, including life admin, family, home, chores, job, and F knows what else...

And some people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s are the sandwich generation; looking after their elderly parents and teenage children, so the last thing they need is to be a servant and slave to a neighbour as well.

Help in an emergency - yes of course, and most people would - and should. But to become a regular help for a neighbour is a tie, an inconvenience, and a bloody nuisance. It's bad enough if it's a family member, as it can become a burden, but to do it for a neighbour, when, as I say, most people have a load to deal with in life anyway, is just too much of a burden.

I will help in a emergency, but will not help anyone on a regular basis, as I don't want to tie myself to the burden of being chief-cook-and-bottle-washer/servant/slave to anyone. I won't even take packages in for people now. Nor do I expect anyone to do it for me. Everyone has the opportunity to designate a 'safe space,' or have it delivered to argos, or morrisons or somewhere.

Not being funny, or mean or anything, but we have been burnt in the past, and have had people using us, and taking advantage, (on quite a few occasions,) and we have NO intention of going down that road again.

Good luck JurassicSal but I can't see anything changing unless you move. You are human, like us all, and sound very kind, and I believe you will find it very hard to say no to this lady.

And the fact she has got family is just an extra kick in the teeth!

My very elderly parents have just died. Three years ago brother and I were tearing our hair out because every couple of hours there was a new request from them and either one of us had to somehow drop round and sort it out. I cracked. Went online and found a morning carer for them. She turned out to be an angel, I am not joking. They paid for it out of their pensions and she became their valued friend. I stay in touch with lovely carer and always will.

Elderly people get a bit desperate and forget boundaries. Your neighbour sounds rich enough to pay for help. Maybe make your next act of help to be assisting her in finding someone who can help her. Good luck.

@FlaminEckVera

Good luck JurassicSal but I can't see anything changing unless you move. You are human, like us all, and sound very kind, and I believe you will find it very hard to say no to this lady

How well do you know OP??

Such a relevant thread to me right now.

I think as other posters have suggested, you should say to her when she next asks for something "we're happy to help when we can, but we're struggling a bit if I'm being honest. Could we maybe help put you in touch with x tradesperson, or would you be OK asking x person to help with this next time. If you want I could contact some places to see if they'd be able to support you a bit more with x, y and z? "

You don't need to put your foot down or stop answering the door - nor is there a need to sour relations. You just need to give her another avenue of support. You may be the only people whom she trusts for various reasons.

My next door neighbour is 78. I'm disabled, 30 with a toddler and a 36 year old partner.
We help him out when we can, but last week he fell and broke his arm, elbow and shattered his shoulder. It was a bad compound fracture with his bone and ligament piercing through his elbow by about 3cm. I was the person who held his arm in place, and administered first aid while the ambulance came. Since then I've been sorting out his car insurance /tax etc, tv licence, bt package and arranging home help. I've also been doing his washing and ironing and visiting him in the hospital every day.

I do this because I know he has noone else in the world who can help. I do it because i care about him. He knows I have my limitations though which is why I communicated to him that I'll help him as much as I am able but I would also need to contact social services and liase with the hospital to get carers for him.

You can relinquish some of the burden and time you spend, without having to be cold with them.

The problem is that these situations sort of creep up on you.

You start out by helping someone with their DLA or PIP (as it is now) application form. Then a few days later they come and knock on your door and ask if you can get them XXX next time you are at the shops, or help with YYY. And it snowballs from there.

Sometimes a security camera over your door so you can see who knocked is worth its weight in gold.

@memberofthewedding

The problem is that these situations sort of creep up on you.

You start out by helping someone with their DLA or PIP (as it is now) application form. Then a few days later they come and knock on your door and ask if you can get them XXX next time you are at the shops, or help with YYY. And it snowballs from there.

Sometimes a security camera over your door so you can see who knocked is worth its weight in gold.

This. Problem is, some people do^ have no-one else, as a pp said further back, and will pounce on ANYone who offers the slightest sliver of help or assistance, and use them whenever it suits.

The kindest thing - all round, for them AND you - is to direct them to people who can help them, and make it clear from the beginning, that you don't have the time to regularly help them.

I say it's kind for them too, because they need to be taught that they must stand on their own two feet.

I’ve only read the first two pages, so sorry if I repeat something… Does she get attendance allowance? I know quite a few older people that get AA, which allows them to pay for people to do jobs for them. Other help available in my DM’s town - she contacted the council about needing some little jobs doing… There is a scheme run by her local council where, if you buy the actual parts, they will provide the labour free of charge. There is also a scheme where you can claim money to have your garden attended to: effectively pay someone to mow the lawn/weeding, for example. This woman may be entitled to the benefits that she hasn’t been aware of. On the other hand… I did hear of a situation via a friend, where her sister was helping her elderly neighbour: shopping, cleaning, meals … after several months, the DSis found out about AA, and told the neighbour about it. The neighbour said, ‘oh yes, I am already getting it. I send the money to my DC (300 miles away) every month …

older people find it harder to stand alone on their own two feet.
and society has changed so much in the last few decades.
i am not all that old but even i wonder at things i happily did a few years ago that i would not do now. i remember going to someone's house whom i barely knew who said her boiler wasn't working. i'd never been there before, said is it the pilot light, peered in the inspection window and manged to relight it for her, and away it fired, all good. i would never do that now, not even attempt, not even on my own boiler. i marvel at how why i did it. she as so grateful. actually i was trying to save a relative having to go, whom she'd asked for.
but i have no technical training or knowledge, only done paper work.
suppose it had not been a standard problem, it could have been dangerous, and i cause damage in her house...
so i can kind of understand how as people get older, they lose confidence, are less able to be independent.
in part i think it is because they are more aware of how fragile all life is.
i too have been caught up in getting put upon by a neighbour, still am.
the worst aspect is that she does have sons, younger, fitter, richer than me, but who don't want to be involved in the boring details of her life.
yet she puts them on a high pedestal, while using everyone and anyone around her to do tasks for her.
it is difficult to totally disengage as she quite disabled now, another fact her sons choose to ignore, and resent her spending money on necessary care.
when rarely, one of them attempted to order food online for her, he said her card didnt go through, so the order was cancelled. so he left her, bedbound, without food.
if it was in a drama, it would seem unbelievable.

when i said order food online, i meant grocery shopping, not just one meal. wonder how he manged to get his own shopping...
and she'd leant him large sums in the past, when he must have deposit to upscale his property.

Give her the number of a home help?

Im actually appalled at the majority of the comments on here. Just because the elderly neighbour needs help it doesn't mean she should be in a home. Every second post on here is about neighbours. Do people have no tolerance or compassion at all anymore. Maybe it's a cultural thing, I'm not English.

You could ring age uk for some advice and tactfully point her in the right direction for other support on their suggestions.

Ffs, you are too kind. Why the heck aren’t the family helping more? They should be ashamed at letting you shoulder the burden.

You’re going to find it very hard to withdraw and stop running every time she wants something. Harden your heart, she is not your responsibility and you don’t have to so much.

My dm is exactly the same, totally reliant on my uncle to do everything, doesn’t have a computer, can’t use her mobile, now refuses to even phone a handyman because my uncle will do it. He’s a mug, she’s more than capable and IS manipulative.

There is a huge difference between helping an neighbour out and being their unpaid skivvy being imposed upon to clean, shop, garden, taxi them around when they have plenty of money but are resistant to spending it but have no compunction about imposing relentlessly.

Same with neighbours that would ask you to do their garden for them and they have several family members in and out checking that their fine inheritance is intact, but too busy to cut the grass.

Again I certainly wouldn't be having any of it and I wouldn't allow my husband to be used when the latter example came up.

Some people are surprisingly relaxed when it comes to imposing on those that are not their family.

I help where I can. Not nice to assume son in laws will be gardeners and handymen!! Then she didnt want strangers in covid. No wifi so more errands. I had step back. Sometimes you have to. The list is endless. Got nothing done here. Got sick it to be honest.

I wholeheartedly agree with the vast majority of posters saying you need to put in firm boundaries.

What I don't agree with are all of the comments about what others should be doing instead and in particular the niece. Draw your own boundaries but leave others to draw theirs. We know nothing about this niece or about her relationship with the neighbour in question. I have young children just now but they could well be the only children in our extended family and I don't want them in the future feeling that they have to look after two parents (nevermind in-laws) as well as one uncle on my husband's side and my two sisters on my side.

No good deed goes unpunished. We had this with an elderly neighbour. She had the beginnings of dementia, and it’s not about the ‘job’ but about having someone there.
We moved.

Maybe she's lonely?

Some people literally have no one and I dont think anyone appreciates that unless they are in the same position.

By all means set boundaries but please don't cut her off.

I can see why she'd rather 'a man' arranged quote and stuff for her. Women often get taken for a ride by roge tradesmen.

But it's one thing arranging quotes and engaging people to do work, it's another doing the work yourself.

I think loniness is behind some of this. Covid hasn't helped especially for elderly alone not near family, many clubs and stuff for elderly closed, plus the fear of catching it.