Elderly neighbour becoming too dependent on us!

[JurassicSal]

We moved into our house about three years ago, next door to an elderly single lady (she has just turned 80years old). When we first met her she was very active, going out and doing things with her friends from the church, holidays away, visits to her family etc, but more recently she seems to be coming more and more dependent on myself and my husband. There are so many things it’s hard to list them all, but we’ve done decorating, house cleaning, gardening, multiple trips to the GP and hospital, shopping and numerous DIY jobs - even simple things like changing the batteries in the TV remote! She’s always wanting things changed in her house and it seems like my husband is forever organising quotes and visits from tradesmen to price the work. This all takes a lot of his time, as she wants him to make all the phone calls and organise visits / appointments.

She recently discovered online shopping, but that’s not without its problems as she constantly changes her mind about goods and wants to return them which involves us having to sort out the paperwork and the packaging / courier collection as she can’t work out how to do it herself. We are both very kind and good natured people but my husband is a lot older than me and retired several years ago and wants to enjoy his retirement - he’s also getting very tired with all this (he does all the driving around as I don’t drive). I also work four days a week and have my own house and garden to look after, so I’m getting very tired with all this. Hardly a day goes by without another request for help for something or other. Our neighbour doesn’t have any disability (other than being little bit unsteady when she walks) and she sees and hears perfectly well.She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away) so I think she is becoming dependent on us for all her help. She keeps telling us she’s constantly singing praises to her family about her “wonderful neighbours” and I feel they are happy for things to stay that way as it absolves them from any responsibility!

I think we have been very generous to her in the past and showered her with kindness but feel now that we are paying the price and as I said feel she is now become almost totally dependent on us for all her day-to-day needs.

Should we just say “no” more often, and if so how to do so without causing offence?. She frequently says “I don’t know what I would do without you two” and “I don’t have anyone else to ask” Is this also a sign of manipulative behaviour? Sometimes we feel like we should move house as it’s the only way to get our lives back…..

Any comments or suggestions gratefully accepted!

@Blossomtoes

That would be a great way to make the neighbour and her niece believe the Op is great friends with NDN and enjoys her company so much she and her husband want to spent Christmas with her.

But that isn’t true. She isn’t a friend. They happen to live next door to each other. They are friendly. Nothing more. Op wouldn’t choose to invite her for Christmas.

Her niece could invite her for Christmas though. Or she could invite her niece.

Invitations driven by guilt rarely end well.

Was going to suggest Age Uk too. You are good for helping her but she needs help from elsewhere too.

I also feel a bit sad for her. Must be hard to be old and have no one.

@logsonlogsoff

The way we treat our elderly people in this country is disgraceful sometimes.

Yes, her niece should be ashamed of herself.

@logsonlogsoff

Setting firmer boundaries is one thing, but leaving her on her own on Christmas Day is another. Can you really not make room for her at your table on Christmas Day?

She doesn’t need to be on her own. She has chosen to be. If her niece thinks that’s awful, her niece will sort it out. What with her being family.

Is this made up? It's unreal!!

Decorating?? House cleaning?? Now online shopping admin?????

Unless she's living in poverty, she's taking the absolute piss. Being old doesn't mean you aren't capable of leveraging your age in order to get people to do the running for you.

It seems like once you start doing something for her, she just stops doing it for herself, despite being perfectly capable.

“I don’t know what I would do without you two”

I think it's quite likely she's saying this to emotionally guilt trip the both of you to think that her function as a human being depends on you being available 12hrs a day to do all sort of things. And it's working fabulously well by the looks of it.

Older people are frail, but you also need to stop infantilising her in your head because I think it's leading to poor decision making. She is an adult and she also has a family that needs to be doing some of this.

People like you are absolute stars, but I can see this situation only getting worse.

If you really don't want to say a hard 'no', just say that you and your husband have bad backs and although you might be able to carry on doing a bit of gardening, the DIY, decorating and cleaning with be stopping.

How did she get to the GP and hospital before? She managed it somehow and now all of a sudden you're the local free taxi service. Say you're both busy. She doesn't need to know why. Just say you're busy.

she constantly changes her mind about goods and wants to return them which involves us having to sort out the paperwork and the packaging / courier collection as she can’t work out how to do it herself

It's very likely that she can work this out, she just doesn't want to. Sending things back is a faff, she knows this, and unfortunately you've already shown her how incredibly helpful and willing you are. Don't. Say you're busy now and that if she leaves it all to you, she runs the risk of not returning anything back as you can't guarantee that you can do it on time.

It's important to know when to give as a society, but it's also important to know what you shouldn't ask for.

The only option is to move house.

I have been in this exact position with a neighbour (aged 82) and it got to the point where I had no life of my own. It started with picking up the odd item when I was at the shops, changing a fuse etc, graduating to something every single day, then on from that to phone calls about being afraid of lightening in the middle of the night, my TV won't work, I have seen a mouse, I need shopping/travel to appointments, help me with my tax, fix the shower, leaky roof, oven won't work, etc etc. I did it all and more, but I had my own aged parents and a job to do. I neglected other people for the neighbour.

Deal with it now or you will be helping her in and out of the bath eventually - and yes, I ended up doing that

I feel suffocated reading this. It's so difficult because many people will find it very difficult tell who is actually vulnerable and who is leveraging their age to get 24hr personal assistants for free.

@annike4

@Annike4

Invitations driven by guilt rarely end well.

Invitations driven by kindness go very well. My generation has really fucked up parenting when someone would rather leave an old lady alone on Christmas Day than invite them for dinner. And make callous comments about little match girls. I hope some of you are old and lonely one day and you remember how uncaring you were.

Her family can organise her online shopping, among other things. We have frail elderly neighbours whose daughter - who lives 200 miles away - always orders their online food shop for them.

If you have contact details for her relatives, you do really need to tell them that it’s all getting far too much and they must organise help for her - including taxis to appointments, tradesmen, whatever else. And I wouldn’t feel bad about saying much the same to the neighbour herself.

I’m afraid that if relatives think the neighbours are stepping up, all too often they are happy with the status quo,

I do know how difficult it is, since until fairly recently our frail elderly neighbours were very dependent on us - there were calls for help at least 3 times a week. However their dcs have now organised carers 4 times a day - it was long overdue and thankfully we didn’t have to spell it out - they realised without having to be told. Should add that we had known the neighbours for decades and were very fond of them, so didn’t really resent the help, but it was still becoming too much.

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logsonlogsoff

«The way we treat our elderly people in this country is disgraceful sometimes.»

Suggest you have a look at my original post before passing judgement on me . I live in a small cul-de-sac in a retirement area there are at least another seven elderly single ladies living alone should I invite them all for Christmas Day?

@nokidshere

No.

People don't get to rescind responsibility for their behaviour by blaming other people for not having boundries.

People have a social duty to know when not to ask for things, as well as when to give. It's not all the person's fault for not saying 'no'.

@Blossomtoes

Invitations driven by guilt rarely end well.

Invitations driven by kindness go very well. My generation has really fucked up parenting when someone would rather leave an old lady alone on Christmas Day than invite them for dinner. And make callous comments about little match girls. I hope some of you are old and lonely one day and you remember how uncaring you were.

@Blossomtoes

Give that you are so caring and a fine example to all of us, I suggest you send the OP a private message and get the details of this old lady, so you can personally provide a befriending service.

Maybe next year you could have her over for Christmas Day?

No?

Didn't think so, because it's much easier to be self-righteous and guilt trip other women than actually do that.

Just wanted to say a big thank you for all the helpful comments I’ve received! sorry I’m just too busy at the moment to do individual replies but it is Christmas Eve and I have family coming so forgive me but, a very Merry Christmas to all of you xx

That message goes to you as well @logsonlogsoff

@logsonlogsoff

Setting firmer boundaries is one thing, but leaving her on her own on Christmas Day is another. Can you really not make room for her at your table on Christmas Day?

What about the OP's right to spend Christmas day how she wants?

As the thread demonstrates, the OP and her DH have gone above and beyond for this neighbour who is not their responsibility. The neighbour has her own family.

The lady has family not too far away who can take her in for Xmas day if they so wish, she’s hardly someone with no one is she.

And it’s nothing to do with the way we treat our elderly, a lot of people have busy lives and families of their own that they can’t be beholden to an old person next door who has family who could be doing more

I will oblige but some take the p* with it. My poor cousin was run ragged by an elder aunt with errands. I took a step back as felt my mother was doing it. I think sometimes you do 1 thing then its 10 errands. Then they think you plumber diy and gardener

@Rubyupbeat

It's called being a good neighbour. Most communities were like this, but now people don't want to get involve, it's really sad. You have both been very kind, please carry on. This lady is probably anxious on becoming so vulnerable , even if she doesn't show it. We all need each other at some point.

Yes - maybe you could ask the OP for this lady's telephone details and do a befriending thing with her? You sound concerned and are probably willing to do that kind of caring.....yes?

I have an elderly parent 4 hours away - you are doing far too much . I speak to my parent daily and organise his food delivery . Age UK helped with outsourcing the cleaning , he has a gardener .Age Uk also helped with ensuring he had the walking frames and grab rails he needed to be independent . He has a free bus pass and uses it … needs the frame for that . He has a good neighbour who goes in once a week , changes the odd light bulb and has provided the odd lift to hospital appointments . Your kind nature is being taken advantage of

The lady has family not too far away who can take her in for Xmas day if they so wish, she’s hardly someone with no one is she

Not according to OP She has no children or any family living nearby (they live several hours away).

Yes - maybe you could ask the OP for this lady's telephone details and do a befriending thing with her? You sound concerned and are probably willing to do that kind of caring.....yes?

If OP sent me her details, I’d happily do it.

I thought she had a niece? What I’m saying is it’s not as thought she has no one at all, her family even living hours away could still come and get her if they wanted to its not up to the OP to take her in

And yes communities were more like that years ago, probably when women didn’t have to work all hours to make ends meet

Oh how annoying and yeah (as has been said,) she is probably just badgering you as she needs the help, rather than taking the piss. No good for you though eh?

I had something similar with a woman at a hobby group I was in in my area. She was 9 or 10 years older than me, (I was 50 she was 60,) and for some reason clung to me like a fucking leech. I was friendly and courteous with her, and she took that as me wanting to be her BFF.

She would text me, saying 'how are you?' and if I didn't reply within 5 minutes, she was round my house banging the door 'to see if I was OK.' She would also message me/phone me quite often, to ask if my DH could come look at her and her DP's TV, car, or computer, as there was 'a problem with it.'

She also asked waaaaay too many questions, about our finances, our health, my family, and just really intrusive stuff. She also kept asking me to take her to hospital appointments, even though she could drive, because she may not be able to drive afterwards, and 'wanted the company.' I took her a couple of times and both times took ALL day. Like 8 hours including travel time, and she bored me senseless.

She would also stare at me intently when we were in the pub with other people. I could feel her eyes burning into me. I would glance round and she would say 'are you ok? you seem quiet/you look pale/you look low/are you stressed?

And she wanted to meet for a drink at the pub once or twice a week, and would not take no for an answer. I had to pretend I was ill or busy soooo many times. Also, I had a little meet up with 3 friends every month, for a pub lunch and a drink, and she started inviting herself.

My 3 friends didn't like her as they found her pushy and nosey and she asked too many intrusive questions. She wanted to know why my one friend (aged 53) didn't work, and told me she couldn't fathom how she could survive on just her husband's wage.

Not gonna lie, I ghosted her in the end. 2 years I tolerated her .. It was fortunate that she lived half a mile from me, and not next door. It was a good 6 months before she got the message, and stopped contacting me. She even asked other people (neighbours, my cousin, and women in the hobby group where I met her etc,) what was 'wrong' with me. I even had to leave my hobby group, as she drove me away.

I know I sound like a bitch, ghosting her, but what was I meant to do? Say 'fuck off now and never contact me again please. You're an irritating cunt and I'm done with you.' Lots of people say 'ghosting' is cowardly/heartless etc, but sometimes it's the only way to get people out of your life.

Not gonna lie @JurassicSal if I was in your position, I think I would move house.