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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH booking himself a kayaking afternoon without including me

160 replies

IntergalacticP · 14/07/2021 15:42

DH has booked himself a kayaking trip for tomorrow afternoon without discussing it. He will be gone for approx 7 hours. I'm quite annoyed about and told him I thought it was a bit selfish to book himself an activity without talking to me beforehand (although obviously I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go). He doesn't see where I'm coming from and has pointed out I'm working (which is true).

For extra context, he did this about 2 months ago- booked himself a three day walking holiday without discussing it with me (hotels etc) and left me to stay home, work and deal with the kitchen fitters that he knew were coming that week. I was pissed off that time and thought we had agreed booking things without communicating wasn't on. We're also due to be on holiday together next week for two weeks and don't yet have anything planned so we could have gone together next week.

So aibu to think he should have discussed it with me before booking it?

OP posts:
Googlewasmyidea1 · 14/07/2021 15:44

It's a bit strange that he didn't mention it at all, not that he needs your permission or anything but more that he's kept it from you

Brightthing · 14/07/2021 15:44

Have you got children?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 14/07/2021 15:46

He is usually so disengaged from your relationship?

Nicknacky · 14/07/2021 15:47

The holiday would have annoyed me but not the kayaking especially as you are working.

You aren’t joined at the hip.

Original poster
IntergalacticP · 14/07/2021 15:47

No children yet. And it is his day off work so he hasn't used any annual leave etc. And we can afford it. I just feel like he went behind my back a bit?

OP posts:
traintraveller · 14/07/2021 15:47

It's not selfish, you will be working. It's strange if he didn't mention it at all, how did you find out? Although if this is your reaction perhaps that's why he didn't discuss it.

Shirleyphallus · 14/07/2021 15:48

I really wouldn’t care about this then, it’s his day off, you can afford it, it’s lovely to be able to be out and doing stuff away from each other

Original poster
IntergalacticP · 14/07/2021 15:49

@traintraveller I get what you're saying but I feel like this is my reaction because he didn't mention it. So if he had said last week he was thinking about going kayaking on his day off my response would probably have been oh ok have fun iyswim

OP posts:
Cooldryplace · 14/07/2021 15:50

I'd be seriously annoyed about the holiday but I often arranged activities for myself while DH was working.

onlyhereforthecake · 14/07/2021 15:50

If you have children and you are left to handle childcare, it's not on.

If not, it's just weird not to communicate.

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 14/07/2021 15:50

If he is off work, no kids to look after and you’re working I’m not entirely sure I see the issue? It’s healthy to do things away from your partner and how often are women encouraged to have “me time”. Is there anything you do alone which you enjoy and don’t invite him to? Spa days, nail appointments, cinema visit? Have you expressed desire to do kayaking? Honestly I don’t think I could get massively het up about this personally.

ILoveShula · 14/07/2021 15:51

Do you have children under 18?

It sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. Might there be an OW?

Datsandcogs · 14/07/2021 15:51

He doesn’t understand your situation or doesn’t respect you. Play him at his own game and book to be away, preferably at a time inconvenient to him.

newnortherner111 · 14/07/2021 15:51

The activity would not bother me, the lack of communication would. If only to stop making commitments I could not easily keep.

NumberTheory · 14/07/2021 15:51

Since you’re working, YABU. It’s reasonable for him to want to do some things without you some times, even if they are things that you also enjoy.

The heading off for a three day holiday leaving you home alone without discussion is very different to my mind.

Nicknacky · 14/07/2021 15:52

Do you tell him in advance what you are thinking about doing on your days off?

HappyRaven · 14/07/2021 15:53

Did you want him to ask permission?

Original poster
IntergalacticP · 14/07/2021 15:54

Yeah it really is more the lack of communication that's bothered me. It's not that I don't do things without him obviously I do, but I would mention it? Like oh me and x are thinking about doing y at the weekend. It's more the fact the first time it's mentioned is after it's booked has annoyed me.

OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 14/07/2021 15:54

I don't see any issue here. You don't have any children and he has the day off work so he has no responsibilities or anywhere he has to be, you can afford it, you're working so it doesn't impact you at all. Why should he have discussed it with you before booking it? It's not "going behind your back". In fact it sounds like you have a healthy relationship. (I assume you'd feel comfortable making plans for yourself if you were off work and he was working? If not, why not?) If he didn't tell you where he was going or acted secretively about it I would think you would have a right to be suspicious or annoyed, but not in this case.

Bargebill19 · 14/07/2021 15:54

From his point of view - you are working so it’s not affecting you in anyway, so he’s clear to just do it as that’s what you would have agreed to had you discussed it. Ergo discussing it is a fruitless waste of his time.
Had you wanted him to do anything else, you would have said so earlier / put it on the calendar.

From your point of view- you are a couple and as such things should be discussed as you might have been planning something else for that time or have been asking him to do something in that timeframe. All
Of which you would have sat down and discussed. You would not have refused him without good reason. And you would have put any other items on the calendar.

He doesn’t recall the previous conversation about respect because … we’ll see his point above!
As for the kitchen - I suspect that he conveniently forgot or thought that it’s your kitchen and you know how you want it, and he wouldn’t be able to answer any of the fitters questions and would have been in the way.

onlyhereforthecake · 14/07/2021 15:54

I am part of an old married couple Grin , but we would likely whatsapp each other and at least tell the other "just booked xyz" for tomorrow.

I don't think we would necessarily discuss in advance if it's known the other is definitively working, but it wouldn't be a big deal.

UserAtLarge · 14/07/2021 15:55

If you're working he don't see how he could have included you?

Surely you can just book to both go another time as well, if you'd like to?
Unless you can't afford to do so, of course - in which case it depends on whether you have joint or separate finances.

Nicknacky · 14/07/2021 15:55

But he has told you in advance. He doesn’t go until tomorrow. I’m really not getting the issue here at all.

Anonymous48 · 14/07/2021 15:55

@Datsandcogs

He doesn’t understand your situation or doesn’t respect you. Play him at his own game and book to be away, preferably at a time inconvenient to him.
It's not at a time that's inconvenient to her. She'll be working! How on earth is he not respecting her?
Shoxfordian · 14/07/2021 15:55

You’re working so why does it matter? Sounds quite controlling to me

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