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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH booking himself a kayaking afternoon without including me

160 replies

IntergalacticP · 14/07/2021 15:42

DH has booked himself a kayaking trip for tomorrow afternoon without discussing it. He will be gone for approx 7 hours. I'm quite annoyed about and told him I thought it was a bit selfish to book himself an activity without talking to me beforehand (although obviously I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go). He doesn't see where I'm coming from and has pointed out I'm working (which is true).

For extra context, he did this about 2 months ago- booked himself a three day walking holiday without discussing it with me (hotels etc) and left me to stay home, work and deal with the kitchen fitters that he knew were coming that week. I was pissed off that time and thought we had agreed booking things without communicating wasn't on. We're also due to be on holiday together next week for two weeks and don't yet have anything planned so we could have gone together next week.

So aibu to think he should have discussed it with me before booking it?

OP posts:
Original poster
IntergalacticP · 14/07/2021 16:24

Like I said about 30 comments back, consensus is IABU. Oh well guess I can take that

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/07/2021 16:25

Surely its just common decency when in a relationship to say 'would you mind if i went kayaking tomorrow as we've nothing on and you're working.'

And then what if the partner says no to the request? Sit at home and do nothing? Asking permission is only required if you think their partner has a right to stop them.

Fuck that - an adult with no caring commitments is free to do what they like when they aren't working but their partner is.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 14/07/2021 16:25

I kind of get why you're upset @IntergalacticP. It's not as though I'd expect a partner to ask permission for a day trip, just that I'd hoped we'd have good enough communication that it would come up in general conversation before being booked. Just a casual, "I might go kayaking on Thursday while you're at work" sort of thing. Personally I prefer men who are open and chatty to those, like your DH, who you say have poor communication generally.

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 14/07/2021 16:25

I find the holiday odd but not the kayaking - you need to be really honest with yourself about how much it bothers you BEFORE you have kids. He probably won’t change so if it annoys you then don’t have kids with him and then don’t be suprised when he checks out of parenting duties!

warmfluffytowels · 14/07/2021 16:26

@Maggiesfarm

Most couples would discuss something like this before making arrangements. It's courteous and considerate to do so.
There's nothing to discuss! OP is at work, so his plans have no impact on her whatsoever - especially as they have no DC to worry about.

I went out yesterday - I was off work and DH was working. I didn't tell him about it because, well, it never occurred to me. I don't need to discuss my day off with him, like he doesn't need to discuss his with me!

It's different if it's a shared day off and they could have done something together, but that's not the case here.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 14/07/2021 16:26

He has a day off, so he booked an activity for it.
You're working that day, and you don't have kids to drop off/ pick up.
I really can't see any problem here at all, OP.

mrsm43s · 14/07/2021 16:26

If my DH suggested that I should consult with him before booking an activity on my day off work, when he was working, I'd LTB for being a controlling ahole. That's not how relationships work, you don't own each other or get to pre-approve their plans and give permission. He is an adult, and capable of making his own plans without your permission.

The holiday I would have been annoyed about only because he dumped you with the kitchen renovation work, which was a joint responsibility (assuming it was jointly wanted/jointly arranged). Apart from that, if you were working and he was off, why should he not go away on a short trip, without seeking your prior permission?

ItsVousNotMoi · 14/07/2021 16:27

Yep, you can't have your kayak and eat it Smile

burnoutbabe · 14/07/2021 16:28

yes, i'd find it odd to not be asked to do something like that together. Different if its a known thing you'd not want to do (ie Golf) but it would be like my OH saying he was going to go up the Shard or on the Lindon Eye on his day off, when those are things we'd normally do together and I'd enjoy.

Different i think if a friend wanted to go with him and they arranged it together when it would not inconvenience you, but odd to go on one's own without asking if other is interested attending first.

IceandIndigo · 14/07/2021 16:28

If I had a day off work I wouldn't expect to have to consult my DH before making plans - it's true I might mention it in conversation but the way you word it makes it sounds like you were expecting to give him your permission.

I think not mentioning a plan to go away for 3 days would bother me a bit more, particularly if it was over a weekend when you would normally do things together.

Do you enjoy walking and kayaking? If you do and he knows this it does seem a bit odd that he wouldn't try to make plans that include you. If not it would be healthy to allow him time to indulge his interests, as long as he also makes time for the two of you to do things you both enjoy.

bookworm20 · 14/07/2021 16:31

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Read my whole post. Its not about asking permission. Its about basic respect.

RedToothBrush · 14/07/2021 16:32

Kayaking is a great sport and there are lots of other things that he could be doing which are far far worse.

If you can afford it, and you've not got commitments than bloody do it! If you do have kids, taking a day to do stuff like this becomes a lot more difficult.

As for not doing it together - if you really want to, do it on holiday too. I bet he will love it so much he will be itching to do it again soon anyway.

A sporting activity / life experience trip like this, isn't getting pissed at the pub on his day out with his annoying mates. Its not spending all day on video games.

Encourage him to do things like this that are good for him! Both psychically and mentally.

Cowbells · 14/07/2021 16:32

I know people think it seems petty but I'd deal with that by doing the same to him. Some people don't get what is wrong with their behaviour until you mirror it. Wait until there are some more tradespeople due then scoot off for a few days and tell him last minute.

thecognoscenti · 14/07/2021 16:33

@ILoveShula

Do you have children under 18?

It sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. Might there be an OW?

Wow - bit of a leap there. He dares to do something for himself for a few hours whilst the OP is working so obviously he's sick of the marriage and shagging someone else...
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/07/2021 16:33

[quote bookworm20]@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Read my whole post. Its not about asking permission. Its about basic respect.[/quote]
Basic respect does not require people to ask their partners what they're allowed to do on their day off. Your post was very clearly worded as asking permission.

If it was a shared day off - yes, you'd discuss (not ask, but discuss). But a day off when the other is working? No way.

ShortBacknSides · 14/07/2021 16:33

I think it's selfish @IntergalacticP It's as if he doesn't think of himself as part of a couple.

1forAll74 · 14/07/2021 16:34

It's fine, at least you know that he is going kayaking,, and not just walking out of the house,and you don't know where he is going at all.

Cowbells · 14/07/2021 16:35

@mrsm43s

If my DH suggested that I should consult with him before booking an activity on my day off work, when he was working, I'd LTB for being a controlling ahole. That's not how relationships work, you don't own each other or get to pre-approve their plans and give permission. He is an adult, and capable of making his own plans without your permission.

The holiday I would have been annoyed about only because he dumped you with the kitchen renovation work, which was a joint responsibility (assuming it was jointly wanted/jointly arranged). Apart from that, if you were working and he was off, why should he not go away on a short trip, without seeking your prior permission?

But it's not about permission. It's about communication and respect for your partner.

Would you really book a holiday at short notice without checking with your DH? I have agreed provisionally to holidays with friends before but then let DH know months in advance before confirming or paying. I'd never just book and pay for something and then say, 'I'm away this weekend, you deal with the builders. Bye-ee.'

ILoveShula · 14/07/2021 16:36

@thecognoscenti, booking a 3 day trip, booking activities for himself but not telling his wife about it points to secretiveness.

Nicknacky · 14/07/2021 16:37

I think everyone is in agreement that booking a holiday without consultation is snidey but not the kayaking.

godmum56 · 14/07/2021 16:38

[quote IntergalacticP]@godmum56 not great at communicating which we've had many many discussions about. For example tells me three days later I hurt his feelings with a throwaway remark and the snippy behaviour makes sense. Not my favourite thing about him for sure [/quote]
so the "secret" kayaking is a symptom? I mean are you going to be happy to deal with this in a relationship? cos its not going away.

Shirleyphallus · 14/07/2021 16:41

@ItsVousNotMoi

Yep, you can't have your kayak and eat it Smile
Canoe believe he did that?!
Seesawmummadaw · 14/07/2021 16:41

I’ve been swimming today and didn’t tell Dh. He’s working so I don’t know why I would mention it.

Horehound · 14/07/2021 16:42

I think you are really unreasonable. He has a day off, you are working. Do you want him to sit inside all day every time you're working and he isn't?
Sounds like you have an immature mindset. Being jealous cause he's going kayaking...jeez!

Iggi999 · 14/07/2021 16:44

[quote IntergalacticP]@knittingaddict definitely no to the walking which he would have known. Would have gone kayaking but wasn't asked.
[/quote]
But you couldn't go, because you're working? So you really mean, you wanted him to postpone the kayaking until you were free. So what should he have done on his day off?