DH booking himself a kayaking afternoon without including me

[IntergalacticP]

DH has booked himself a kayaking trip for tomorrow afternoon without discussing it. He will be gone for approx 7 hours. I'm quite annoyed about and told him I thought it was a bit selfish to book himself an activity without talking to me beforehand (although obviously I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go). He doesn't see where I'm coming from and has pointed out I'm working (which is true).

For extra context, he did this about 2 months ago- booked himself a three day walking holiday without discussing it with me (hotels etc) and left me to stay home, work and deal with the kitchen fitters that he knew were coming that week. I was pissed off that time and thought we had agreed booking things without communicating wasn't on. We're also due to be on holiday together next week for two weeks and don't yet have anything planned so we could have gone together next week.

So aibu to think he should have discussed it with me before booking it?

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand well, I'd sort of expect it to be a conversation along the lines of 'would you like me to book for a weekend or are you happy for me to go alone whilst you're working'. I can't imagine this happening though we coordinate days off, and tend to mention what we are doing or planning. All couples are different but this is odd to me

@updownroundandround

It's not about ''asking permission'' ffs !

It's basic couple communication/conversation !!

I hate it when these are confused, because all couples need to communicate things like this !

What if something happened like an accident ?

It'd be expected that a husband/wife/partner would know where the other was i.e shopping with friends/ at work/ visiting etc

I really don't understand the people who use words as if they cost money, and seem to delight in not communicating with their partners

This doesn’t apply to the OP’s case at all. He’s told her what he’s going to be doing. The basic manners aspect of discussing your up coming activities so your partner knows what’s going on has been satisfied.

OP wasn’t annoyed that he was off kayaking in secret, because he wasn’t. She was annoyed he didn’t tell her before he committed to it so she could have some input on his plans for his day off.

I wouldn't dream of checking in with my DH when booking something to do on a day off if I knew he was working.

How on earth is "would you mind if i went kayaking tomorrow as we've nothing on and you're working." anything other than asking for permission?

It's not asking permission, it's checking that it isn't inconvenient. OP could then say, 'Actually, could you book next week instead, as I'd prefer you to be around when the kitchen fitters are in,' or, 'Sure, go ahead, but I'd love to come with you so if it's no difference to you, why don't we book next week instead when I have a day off too so we can do it together?'

The kayaking afternoon I think is fine, unless you had other plans, which have now been cancelled. I was thinking of booking off time next week to go walking on the coast path for the day and to the beach. I would have only mentioned it to dh in advance if I'd needed him to collect dc that day. As you have no children, sounds lovely to go have a day to himself. You should do the same. It doesn't take long to pack up for a holiday, especially if there's only two of you.

The issue with the kitchen fitters is something different and I wouldn't be happy about that. I do book solo holidays regularly and leave dh at home to deal with the kids. I was away for 5 nights last month. But for a holiday, I would check to make sure there was no conflicts and that he was available to do the school runs those days before I booked.

I’d be very cross if I was expected to tell DH in advance what I was doing on my day off if he was working, an adult shouldnt need to ask permission to do something.

@Cowbells So asking permission then?

And there isn’t a limit to how many times he can go, he can go when the op is available. It’s fine to do things without your partner, healthy even!

And there isn’t any work he needs to be available for tomorrow or the op would have said that.

Turn about is fair play.

I'd be booking myself on loads of trips away too and not telling him

My husband is working today and I am just back from a long guided walk ( 4 + hrs) which I told him about this morning. ( DC grown). He doesn't care because he does not own me.

TBH, after one year of being cooped up wfh, we are both glad to get time away from the other.

YANBU
In the real world [as opposed to that of mumsnet] I reckon most people would be seriously pissed off. You live together and you are married. It not about him doing something without you, its the inconsideration of not talking to you about it first. Say you had plans for something together?
Well what I would do, first chance I had was to do the same back.
Book yourself something with your friends. Don't tell him until the last minute and see how he reacts. As far as I would be concerned, it would be the green light for me to do that as well.

What if he doesn't notice?:)

YABU.

Different story if you had kids that he expected you to look after.

@updownroundandround

It's not about ''asking permission'' ffs !

It's basic couple communication/conversation !!

I hate it when these are confused, because all couples need to communicate things like this !

What if something happened like an accident ?

It'd be expected that a husband/wife/partner would know where the other was i.e shopping with friends/ at work/ visiting etc

I really don't understand the people who use words as if they cost money, and seem to delight in not communicating with their partners

But he told her about 24hrs before he went? It's not like he disappeared not having said anything - he told her in plenty of time.

@neveradullmoment99

YANBU In the real world [as opposed to that of mumsnet] I reckon most people would be seriously pissed off. You live together and you are married. It not about him doing something without you, its the inconsideration of not talking to you about it first. Say you had plans for something together? Well what I would do, first chance I had was to do the same back. Book yourself something with your friends. Don't tell him until the last minute and see how he reacts. As far as I would be concerned, it would be the green light for me to do that as well.

But she was working!

If I'm booking something for a day that DH and I are both off, yes I'd discuss it, see if he was thinking of doing something together. But a day off on my own? Why would he care that I plan to do something with my own free time?

I think a lot of posters must be failing to notice that the OP was going to be working on this day. It's not a shared day that they might spend together, it's a day off work when he's going to be on his own.

@neveradullmoment99

YANBU In the real world [as opposed to that of mumsnet] I reckon most people would be seriously pissed off. You live together and you are married. It not about him doing something without you, its the inconsideration of not talking to you about it first. Say you had plans for something together? Well what I would do, first chance I had was to do the same back. Book yourself something with your friends. Don't tell him until the last minute and see how he reacts. As far as I would be concerned, it would be the green light for me to do that as well.

Did you read the OP?

They couldn't have had plans to do something together because OP was at WORK.

[quote Essentialironingwater]@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand well, I'd sort of expect it to be a conversation along the lines of 'would you like me to book for a weekend or are you happy for me to go alone whilst you're working'. I can't imagine this happening though we coordinate days off, and tend to mention what we are doing or planning. All couples are different but this is odd to me[/quote]
Again, why on earth does he need to be 'happy for her to go alone'? No reason at all.

If he wants to go, they could go together another time. Kayaking is something that you can do plenty of times without it getting boring.

I might go for a long mountain bike ride on my day off, but that doesn't stop me from also doing a long ride with my DH on a day when we're both free. I wouldn't ask him if he was ok with me doing the solo ride, because there's no need at all. I'd just mention my plans, and let him know when I'd be back home. (Which is what what the DH has done here).

If I'm booking something for a day that DH and I are both off, yes I'd discuss it, see if he was thinking of doing something together. But a day off on my own? Why would he care that I plan to do something with my own free time?
It doesn’t seem like you’re allowed to do anything alone in some PPs relationships. Or if you do you’re having an affair

@neveradullmoment99

YANBU In the real world [as opposed to that of mumsnet] I reckon most people would be seriously pissed off. You live together and you are married. It not about him doing something without you, its the inconsideration of not talking to you about it first. Say you had plans for something together? Well what I would do, first chance I had was to do the same back. Book yourself something with your friends. Don't tell him until the last minute and see how he reacts. As far as I would be concerned, it would be the green light for me to do that as well.

In the real world AND on Mumsnet, if they’d had plans together the responses would have been pretty universally “YANBU, that’s a shitty thing to do.” But that’s a totally different scenario to the one given. In the one we are actually discussing OP is already booked up with something else (work) and her DH is just filling in his solo time with something he wants to do.

As far as I would be concerned, it would be the green light for me to do that as well.

Yes, the OP 100% has a green light to book an enjoyable activity for her day off, without asking permission, as long as she lets her DH know where she's going with reasonable notice (e.g. the day before).

This is the norm in every healthy relationship I know of (although obvs caring commitments, kids etc alter the position).

Why would he check with you if he knows you're in work? It'd not like he needs you to collect the kids.

For me, its NOT about permission, its not even about courtesy...its about communication, as was confirmed by the OP's reply.....the sort of conversation that goes
"Are you doing anything nice on your day off this week love?"
"yes I have booked a half day kayaking"
"Oh that sounds interesting tell me how it went, maybe we could do a joint day sometime/rather you than me ha ha/ok love have a lovely time" delete as appropriate. BUT OP says he is also a sulker about which they have had discussions......so as i commented, a symptom of something bigger.

I find it very odd that he booked a three day holiday away without mentioning it to you first and certainly when it meant you were left to deal with the kitchen people on your own. I would have told him to reschedule that for another time. That is really inconsiderate. Even before we had kids and could technically afford to do things like this without too much thought, I would have run a cost like that past my husband.

@IntergalacticP I am wondering if you would have posted about the kayaking afternoon at all, if he hadn't done this first?

I am also of the ilk that mentioning plans is not about asking permission (I really think some of the posters on here are being very stubborn about the nuance of this sort of thing, in a relationship) but generally being happy to share in a normal way with a partner.

These two things in isolation could be absolutely nothing. Or they could be an opportunity to reflect on whether you're relationship is a little stale (at least as far as he is concerned.) I don't think it's a good habit to get into and what if the next holiday is five days, for example, and starts to eat into the holiday you have together. That is how I would see it anyway.

Hi @OVienna I think you're right, I think without the holiday it wouldn't really be worth mentioning.

We're not going to fall out over it anyway it's not that big a deal.

OVienna - But he did mention his plans. He has told the OP before heading off kayaking, which is the normal thing to do.

I fully agree that the 3 day trip was unreasonable though. I wouldn't do that when tradesmen were booked without a bit of discussion, and neither would DH.

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

OVienna - But he did mention his plans. He has told the OP before heading off kayaking, which is the normal thing to do.

I fully agree that the 3 day trip was unreasonable though. I wouldn't do that when tradesmen were booked without a bit of discussion, and neither would DH.

My focus wasn't on the kayaking in isolation. I asked the OP whether she would have bothered posting ABOUT they kayaking if the holiday hadn't happened. I agree in isolation the kayaking trip isn't odd.