DH booking himself a kayaking afternoon without including me

[IntergalacticP]

DH has booked himself a kayaking trip for tomorrow afternoon without discussing it. He will be gone for approx 7 hours. I'm quite annoyed about and told him I thought it was a bit selfish to book himself an activity without talking to me beforehand (although obviously I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go). He doesn't see where I'm coming from and has pointed out I'm working (which is true).

For extra context, he did this about 2 months ago- booked himself a three day walking holiday without discussing it with me (hotels etc) and left me to stay home, work and deal with the kitchen fitters that he knew were coming that week. I was pissed off that time and thought we had agreed booking things without communicating wasn't on. We're also due to be on holiday together next week for two weeks and don't yet have anything planned so we could have gone together next week.

So aibu to think he should have discussed it with me before booking it?

I’d find it a bit odd if my dh didn’t mention it but unless it was something I really wanted to do together I wouldn’t care

@Bargebill19 that's basically both sides in a nutshell, right down to his complaints about the kitchen fitter

For a 3 day walking holiday I would definitely expect a discussion. For an day activity not so much.

YABU about the kayaking - he shouldn’t need to ask/inform you every time he wants to do something without you. He wants to kayak on his own and not with you which is fine. The 3 night holiday is a different matter!

Ok consensus does seem to be IABU. Fair enough!

It sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. Might there be an OW?
Christ that was quick. I know men breathing on MN is cause for crying “affair” on MN but this must be record timing

Play him at his own game and book to be away, preferably at a time inconvenient to him.
Are you 12? Play him at his own game for gods sake. Or just be an adult and communicate your feelings, which seems like an alien concept on here sometimes. He book a perfectly reasonably activity to do on his day off, why is that cause for “game playing” and causing inconvenience to her partner?

So if he had said last week he was thinking about going kayaking on his day off my response would probably have been oh ok have fun iyswim
Probably? Or definitely? Two very different reactions. Also why does he need to check in with everything he is doing before hand? It’s easy to slip things out of mind and it’s not like he just went and didn’t and didn’t tell you. When did he actually book it? If it was a last minute thing then maybe he didn’t even think about it before hand.

@Nicknacky

But he has told you in advance. He doesn’t go until tomorrow. I’m really not getting the issue here at all.

This sounds perfectly reasonable but I personally would find it a bit strange it my partner didn't mention that he was thinking of doing it.

Op men are definitely from Mars!!
Sometimes it’s bough it does help to try and see the whole thing from their perspective. I’m not saying that it’s right or women have more empathy etc etc. But it helps to flip the situation so you can perhaps be less annoyed and approach things differently in future. And yes, I’m all for using that knowledge for personal gain whenever you can!!

Odd not to mention it and ask if you want to come.

Yeah he's pretty sly

The walking holiday thing would have been curtains for me. Leaving you to deal with the kitchen!?

@Datsandcogs

He doesn’t understand your situation or doesn’t respect you. Play him at his own game and book to be away, preferably at a time inconvenient to him.

why?

It's not inconvenient for the OP, she's working! Why would you want to play any kind of game? It's weird.

I'd expect the partner to let you know their plans, but surely you don't have a discussion before booking anything separately, do you?

I wouldn't even "discuss" with DH my plans to take the kids somewhere on the day he's working- I would tell him immediately though, it's weird not to communicate. But I wouldn't ask for permission before booking.

If you'd like to go kayaking when you're both on leave, you can do that too.

He obviously has told you about it, I don't see why he'd need to tell you in advance of booking, if the money's not an issue, there's no childcare and you'll be working.

I probably would be interested in who he's going with though.

The kayaking doesn't sound unreasonable, but the booking a holiday without telling you is extremely unreasonable and selfish, sounds very self-absorbed

@IntergalacticP

Yeah it really is more the lack of communication that's bothered me. It's not that I don't do things without him obviously I do, but I would mention it? Like oh me and x are thinking about doing y at the weekend. It's more the fact the first time it's mentioned is after it's booked has annoyed me.

That’s not lack of communication you’re bothered about then. It’s lack of ability to influence. He has a day off when you are already busy. Unless you two have a lot of chores or other responsibilities that need scheduling somehow, he shouldn’t need to consult with you to book that time.

In your OP your focus seems to be on the fact you can’t go with him. Is it possible he hasn’t mentioned it because he likes to do some of this stuff, some of the time, without you but he thinks if he mentions it you’ll start asking him to rearrange so you can go too and he finds that difficult? Or maybe he doesn’t mention it much because you’re working and it feels rude to go on about all the fun he’ll be having.

If your response to him telling you last week would have been “oh, have fun” it seems odd to think it “selfish” when you find out about it a week later instead.

@Susannahmoody we've been married 8 years, I was a normal amount pissed off not ltb because he went to Skye for 3 days without me

@Googlewasmyidea1 Maybe he just forgot to mention it in advance or didn’t think it was a big deal🤷🏻‍♀️ (Which it isn’t).

I don’t always tell my h what I’m doing on my days off in advance, not for any particular reason apart from it doesn’t impact him. Most of the time he only knows I’ve been somewhere after he comes home and I’m either not there or I tell him about it!

I would be anbnoyed about the 3 day holiday because of the work being down on your house. The kayaking seems fair enough though. It's not like he hasn't told you about it.

Would you have wanted to go walking too? I think that does make a difference. Can you afford to go kayaking again when you're on holiday? The answer to that might also change my mind.

[quote Nicknacky]@Googlewasmyidea1 Maybe he just forgot to mention it in advance or didn’t think it was a big deal🤷🏻‍♀️ (Which it isn’t).

I don’t always tell my h what I’m doing on my days off in advance, not for any particular reason apart from it doesn’t impact him. Most of the time he only knows I’ve been somewhere after he comes home and I’m either not there or I tell him about it![/quote]
It's the opposite in our house, I always tell my DP what I'm up to even if it's just meeting a friend for coffee or going for a walk, DP also tells me. It's just the norm for us, it's not about seeking permission or whether it impacts either of us, it's just conversation.

But we're all different

Fair enough but wouldn't bode well with me tbh.

I have to say i find it odd..... i am widowed now but was in a relationship where we would talk about stuff like this not because we kept track of each other but because we told each other stuff, especially the nice stuff. Is he not a great communicator generally?

Good for him organising something for his day off. Can't see any issue with that at all. I don't invite dh to everything. Courtesy to let you know for dinner plans etc but I wouldn't expect to be included.

If it sounds good go again together during your AL.

@knittingaddict definitely no to the walking which he would have known. Would have gone kayaking but wasn't asked.

I should have added that neither of us would have done what your husband did op, but I'm aware that we don't do everything that others on mn do. We wouldn't dream of organising something that takes time and money without at least talking about it first. Our time and money is precious and neither would use those resources without discusssing it together.

As long as my DH took the baby with him I wouldn’t care. The first one though leaving you to deal with the kitchen was shitty.

@godmum56 not great at communicating which we've had many many discussions about. For example tells me three days later I hurt his feelings with a throwaway remark and the snippy behaviour makes sense. Not my favourite thing about him for sure