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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH booking himself a kayaking afternoon without including me

160 replies

IntergalacticP · 14/07/2021 15:42

DH has booked himself a kayaking trip for tomorrow afternoon without discussing it. He will be gone for approx 7 hours. I'm quite annoyed about and told him I thought it was a bit selfish to book himself an activity without talking to me beforehand (although obviously I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go). He doesn't see where I'm coming from and has pointed out I'm working (which is true).

For extra context, he did this about 2 months ago- booked himself a three day walking holiday without discussing it with me (hotels etc) and left me to stay home, work and deal with the kitchen fitters that he knew were coming that week. I was pissed off that time and thought we had agreed booking things without communicating wasn't on. We're also due to be on holiday together next week for two weeks and don't yet have anything planned so we could have gone together next week.

So aibu to think he should have discussed it with me before booking it?

OP posts:

NumberTheory · 14/07/2021 16:14

I almost always mention what I’m doing to my DH once it’s arranged, but I don’t check with him before arranging unless there’s some joint responsibility/commitment it might impinge on. So I would tell him I’m meeting a friend or I’ve got a dental appointment or a massage etc. booked after I’d booked it. But probably not before unless I wanted his input for some reason. On the other hand I’d discuss with him before hand if I wasn’t going to be back to pick the kids up or I’d be late for movie night or something.

gillysSong · 14/07/2021 16:14

Sounds like you can afford it, maybe he wants a break from the corporate life.

ILoveShula · 14/07/2021 16:15

YANBU

If he is doing it now he'll be doing it when you have DC.

knittingaddict · 14/07/2021 16:15

[quote IntergalacticP]@knittingaddict definitely no to the walking which he would have known. Would have gone kayaking but wasn't asked.
[/quote]
I think that's a bit sad and understand your upset. It's about being considered by your partner and good communication. How is everything else in your relationship?

warmfluffytowels · 14/07/2021 16:16

I went out yesterday without speaking about it to DH - he was at work all day so it had no impact on him whatsoever. I just told him when he got home when he asked how my day had been. He wasn't bothered, just like I wouldn't care if he did similar while I was working.

The holiday thing is a bit weird though and I wouldn't be impressed with that, to be quite honest. It's a bit weird to just book a holiday without talking to your partner (unless it's surprise).

But I don't see why it's an issue that you had kitchen fitters in - I often deal with tradesmen without DH and he does the same if I'm working. It's no big deal.

Frazzled2207 · 14/07/2021 16:16

Does it affect you? He has told you the day before.
I do think disappearing off and leaving you to deal with kitchen fitters is poor form but I don't think disappearing kayaking tomorrow, if it doesn't affect your plans, is a big deal really.

If it were my husband he'd probably phrase it like 'do you mind if I do x tomorrow' .But it's a bit different when you have kids. When you don't I think it's fair game to do what you like to some extent as long as it doesn't impact the other one and you let them know.

Original poster

IntergalacticP · 14/07/2021 16:16

@knittingaddict honestly really good, think that's part of why it threw me? If we had been having big fights I could understand wanting to escape for a day!

OP posts:

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/07/2021 16:17

@IntergalacticP

No children yet. And it is his day off work so he hasn't used any annual leave etc. And we can afford it. I just feel like he went behind my back a bit?

Wtf?

You'll be working while it happens, so it's not as if this was a day you were expecting to spend with him. And no kids, so it's not a childcare issue.

It's a free day that he should be able to do what he wants with, but you resent him spending it enjoying himself, and expect him to ask your permission. YABU.

When I have a day off but my DH is working, unless there is something really important that I need to do around the house, I simply choose what I want to do and I do it. I don't ask DH's permission, because I don't need it.

Keepemguessing · 14/07/2021 16:17

He sounds like my XH.

I found out he'd had a relapse of his illness via Facebook FFS.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 14/07/2021 16:17

YABU.

Noodella18 · 14/07/2021 16:18

I don't see the issue with him doing a nice activity on his day off, and he shouldn't have to check with you. Are you just feeling sensitive because of the walking holiday? That was unreasonable, but the kayaking isn't.

bookworm20 · 14/07/2021 16:19

I find it a bit odd tbh. Surely its just common decency when in a relationship to say 'would you mind if i went kayaking tomorrow as we've nothing on and you're working.' Or some such.
Like you'd I'd never say no and stop DP from going anywhere if it didn't affect any plans, but its just respectful to mention it.
Its not about asking permission, its just about consideration of the other person you're in a relationship with.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/07/2021 16:19

[quote IntergalacticP]@knittingaddict honestly really good, think that's part of why it threw me? If we had been having big fights I could understand wanting to escape for a day![/quote]
Ah yes, because the only possible reason for wanting to spend a day out pursuing an enjoyable activity is if you're fighting with your partner.

You couldn't join the kayaking because you're working. If you want to go kayaking with him, you can always go with him another day. Kayaking trips aren't rationed, with a maximum number per lifetime.

Maggiesfarm · 14/07/2021 16:20

Most couples would discuss something like this before making arrangements. It's courteous and considerate to do so.

FlippinFedUp21 · 14/07/2021 16:20

You're working. He's off and wants to entertain himself for the day. Would you need clearance to go out on your day off? YABVVVVVU

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/07/2021 16:21

The walking holiday is a separate issue IMO - going away for 3 days is in a different league.

RedToothBrush · 14/07/2021 16:21

OP you should be extremely worried.

Getting into kayaking in a big way is a slippery slope. It starts with one session. Then a course.

And before you know it he's got a coaching certificate, he's using words like 'radical' and 'sketchy' and he's putting videos of his doing daft tricks on social media.

This seems to be a universal problem with all hardcore paddlers.

Be warned, paddlers take fucking ages getting boats out the water and natter like old fishwives in the process. All sense of time and 'being back for x o'clock' go out of the window.

At which point you may wish he was having a affair rather than a whitewater addiction.

I think yabu about one session on his day off, but you should be very cautious about where this is headed.

Noodella18 · 14/07/2021 16:22

honestly really good, think that's part of why it threw me? If we had been having big fights I could understand wanting to escape for a day!

This is a weird thing to say, why do you think doing a nice activity is 'escaping for the day'? Do you expect him to sit in the house and not do anything nice because you're working? Only do nice things when he's with you?!

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/07/2021 16:22

@Maggiesfarm

Most couples would discuss something like this before making arrangements. It's courteous and considerate to do so.

Really, when one half of the couple is working that day?

I would just make arrangements to do what I wanted, then tell DH. I might mention it before booking, but I wouldn't be asking him to agree to it or anything. If he's working, it doesn't affect him in the slightest if I'm mountain biking or kayaking on my day off.

Nicknacky · 14/07/2021 16:22

@Maggiesfarm What is there to discuss? It had no impact on the op at all.

Flowertopz · 14/07/2021 16:22

If it's his day off and your working what do you expect him to do sit at home all day and wait for your return ... I don't blame him booking something and going out for the day why not . Or does he have to have permission to do anything that doesn't involve you

Original poster

IntergalacticP · 14/07/2021 16:23

@RedToothBrush that made me laugh

OP posts:

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/07/2021 16:23

@RedToothBrush

OP you should be extremely worried.

Getting into kayaking in a big way is a slippery slope. It starts with one session. Then a course.

And before you know it he's got a coaching certificate, he's using words like 'radical' and 'sketchy' and he's putting videos of his doing daft tricks on social media.

This seems to be a universal problem with all hardcore paddlers.

Be warned, paddlers take fucking ages getting boats out the water and natter like old fishwives in the process. All sense of time and 'being back for x o'clock' go out of the window.

At which point you may wish he was having a affair rather than a whitewater addiction.

I think yabu about one session on his day off, but you should be very cautious about where this is headed.

This is totally fair.

KatesBush1980 · 14/07/2021 16:23

I can see no issue here at all! He's got the day off and you haven't.
What would you like him to do OP on his day off, stay home alone?
I regularly book myself nice things to do if I'm off work and DP isn't, I might tell him the day before what I was up to if it came up in conversation or I might tell him after the event when he asks me what I've done that day.
I honestly can't see why your upset about this, the weathers going to be lovely tomorrow so sounds like a great thing for him to do.

Aprilx · 14/07/2021 16:24

I am currently off work and was thinking earlier of a couple of activities that I might do during the day whilst DH is at work. I would tell him, but as he can’t come anyway, I don’t feel I need to tell him before I organise anything and I don’t feel like I have to ask his permission or seek his approval either.

I wouldn’t book three days away without discussing with him.

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