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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH booking himself a kayaking afternoon without including me

160 replies

IntergalacticP · 14/07/2021 15:42

DH has booked himself a kayaking trip for tomorrow afternoon without discussing it. He will be gone for approx 7 hours. I'm quite annoyed about and told him I thought it was a bit selfish to book himself an activity without talking to me beforehand (although obviously I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go). He doesn't see where I'm coming from and has pointed out I'm working (which is true).

For extra context, he did this about 2 months ago- booked himself a three day walking holiday without discussing it with me (hotels etc) and left me to stay home, work and deal with the kitchen fitters that he knew were coming that week. I was pissed off that time and thought we had agreed booking things without communicating wasn't on. We're also due to be on holiday together next week for two weeks and don't yet have anything planned so we could have gone together next week.

So aibu to think he should have discussed it with me before booking it?

OP posts:
rjacksmiss · 14/07/2021 16:44

@ILoveShula

Do you have children under 18?

It sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. Might there be an OW?

Are you actually bat shit? For the love of fucking god. Fucksake!
gogohm · 14/07/2021 16:44

If he's not working, you are and money isn't an issue I don't understand why he needs to discuss it?

Muffled21 · 14/07/2021 16:45

If you’re working, it’s his day off, no kids to consider, then it’d be a non issue for me. I’d be a bit envious of his day out, but that’s all

Nicknacky · 14/07/2021 16:45

@ILoveShula Why jump to those daft conclusions?

rjacksmiss · 14/07/2021 16:47

Yabi

MindTheBumps · 14/07/2021 16:47

Holiday was out of order to book with no discussion but the kayaking thing is fine, you are working, what's the problem.

Glad you can see that now though, you accepted it very gracefully.

Maggiesfarm · 14/07/2021 16:48

I've just re-read and refreshed. I didn't notice before but husband has only booked an activity for an afternoon, while you are at work. I don't think he really needed to run that by you as it doesn't involve being away from home for any length of time. The walking holiday you mentioned was different, he should have discussed it with you prior to booking.

rjacksmiss · 14/07/2021 16:49

Yabu 😂

Honestly that OW comment really threw me. Sheer insanity.

If my DP expected me to run past him what I was doing on my days off I'd be having serious thoughts about the relationship

mrsm43s · 14/07/2021 16:50

But it's not about permission. It's about communication and respect for your partner.

No, this is absolutely about permission. Otherwise why does the OP wants to know before he's booked it? The only reason for that is to give her the chance to withhold her permission. She knows today, 24 hours before he goes, so his not being secretive or not communicating, but that's not good enough for her, because its already booked and so she can't veto it. She is showing a massive lack of respect for him. If she had respect for him, she wouldn't expect him to ask for her permission to do whatever activity he chooses on his day off, whilst she is working. She's not the boss of him, he is free to make his own choices, especially when they don't even impact on her at all.

bookworm20 · 14/07/2021 16:50

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Basic respect does not require people to ask their partners what they're allowed to do on their day off. Your post was very clearly worded as asking permission.

You're right, it doesn't require people to ask their partners what they are allowed to do.
Again, it isn't about permission.
Read that again.
It isn't about permission.
Clearly you're not grasping the concept of showing a little consideration for the person you are in a relationship with.

FinallyHere · 14/07/2021 16:51

This could just be a case of different styles of communication. DH tends to tell me about things he things I need to know about, while I tell him my plans because it's a (albeit minor) way of feeling engaged and close.

We both know our MBTI styles from work training / team building. I find it really helpful to understand why his style of communication is so different to my own.

https://eu.themyersbriggs.com/en/tools/MBTI/MBTI-personality-Types

Tal45 · 14/07/2021 16:52

To me it's really weird to book a holiday and not mention it to your wife until after you've booked it. Personally I want way better communication than that in a relationship. Some people are fine with it it seems, I wouldn't be - and I'd be disappointed that I wasn't asked if I was up for kayaking or not, especially as you could have done it together in your time off.

It sounds like he still thinks like a single person to me, does whatever he wants without really considering you at all. I would not appreciate that.

Nicknacky · 14/07/2021 16:53

@bookworm20 But the op’s partner has told her his plans so has shown her “consideration”. His kayaking has no impact on her at all.

Nicknacky · 14/07/2021 16:54

@Tal45 They can go kayaking on their joint time off and he can also go tomorrow. She is working tomorrow which he knew.

Essentialironingwater · 14/07/2021 16:58

I get it.

I would be a bit miffed to be honest. Wouldn't mind if I was invited, wouldn't mind if he'd said "I really fancy an afternoon alone so am booking an afternoon kayaking", but to neither mention nor invite would be strange to me. But we are pretty much joined at the hip I must admit Grin

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/07/2021 17:00

@Essentialironingwater

I get it.

I would be a bit miffed to be honest. Wouldn't mind if I was invited, wouldn't mind if he'd said "I really fancy an afternoon alone so am booking an afternoon kayaking", but to neither mention nor invite would be strange to me. But we are pretty much joined at the hip I must admit Grin

Even though the OP was working that day, and therefore couldn't have participated whatever he was doing?
mrsm43s · 14/07/2021 17:03

[quote bookworm20]@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Basic respect does not require people to ask their partners what they're allowed to do on their day off. Your post was very clearly worded as asking permission.

You're right, it doesn't require people to ask their partners what they are allowed to do.
Again, it isn't about permission.
Read that again.
It isn't about permission.
Clearly you're not grasping the concept of showing a little consideration for the person you are in a relationship with.[/quote]
It is about asking permission.

Basic respect is showing some consideration. E.g. not booking it at a time he had agreed to do something with OP, or when OP was expecting them to spend time together (tick - he booked it at a time when OP was working, and he had time off work, so no impact on OP or their time together) and communication is telling OP in advance, conversationally - (tick - he told her at least 24 hours ahead of going, and presumably has told her what to expect in terms of when he will be home/whether he will have already eaten etc). The only thing that he didn't do (and indeed OPs only complaint) is that he didn't tell her before booking. What's the only difference between OP knowing before booking and after booking? Her ability to withhold her permission for him to book it.

She wanted to be asked her permission for him to book something on his day off that didn't impact on her at all. Controlling, and showing a lack of respect or consideration for her partner.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/07/2021 17:05

[quote bookworm20]@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Basic respect does not require people to ask their partners what they're allowed to do on their day off. Your post was very clearly worded as asking permission.

You're right, it doesn't require people to ask their partners what they are allowed to do.
Again, it isn't about permission.
Read that again.
It isn't about permission.
Clearly you're not grasping the concept of showing a little consideration for the person you are in a relationship with.[/quote]
How on earth is "would you mind if i went kayaking tomorrow as we've nothing on and you're working." anything other than asking for permission?

"Oh by the way, I've booked / am going to book to go kayaking tomorrow on my day off" = courteous and respectful
"Would you mind if I went kayaking...." = asking for permission

Nicknacky · 14/07/2021 17:08

@bookworm20 But asking “would you mind….” IS asking permission. Why on earth do you think that isn’t asking anything other than for permission?

armanted · 14/07/2021 17:09

I'm trying to imagine DH booking a 3 day trip without talking about it first, but he just wouldn't.

If he booked a 7 hour kayaking trip, I'd be checking that his life insurance was up to date.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/07/2021 17:09

Thank god I am not in this kind of relationship.

OP - you were completely reasonable to be annoyed about him buggering off when the kitchen was being fitted btw.

Unless there is something you haven't told us about it (e.g. those were the only three days he could possibly get off work, and you had already agreed that you would do all the supervising of the fitting or something), he should have stuck around to help out.

updownroundandround · 14/07/2021 17:13

It's not about ''asking permission'' ffs !

It's basic couple communication/conversation !!

I hate it when these are confused, because all couples need to communicate things like this !

What if something happened like an accident ?

It'd be expected that a husband/wife/partner would know where the other was i.e shopping with friends/ at work/ visiting etc

I really don't understand the people who use words as if they cost money, and seem to delight in not communicating with their partners Confused

Nicknacky · 14/07/2021 17:15

@updownroundandround But the OP knows where he will be🤷🏻‍♀️.

And you really think a partner should know at all times where their other half is? That’s nuts!

Twoforthree · 14/07/2021 17:17

I don’t think you’d have been too worried about the kayak - as I wouldn’t, if he hadn’t just done the three day holiday. Although come to think of it, I’ve arranged girls weekends without passing it by dh first

Just ask him to run things by you in the future, not so that you say yes or no, but purely out of consideration.

Why is he doing these things on his own? That’s stranger than doing it with mates. It is strange that he doesn’t want to give you the opportunity to be involved too.

Manista · 14/07/2021 17:18

Activity for a day off - fine. A trip away - not fine.