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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not bite my child?

329 replies

Charmtaste · 14/07/2021 12:43

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

OP posts:
SVRT19674 · 14/07/2021 12:49

Well, when I was 17 mi 18 month old cousin used to do this. He bit me quite nastily on the leg so I tentatively bit him on the arm. He looked at me totally indignant and never did it again. He stopped biting other kids on the face too, which was another of his specialties. So you never know.

PumpkinKlNG · 14/07/2021 12:51

It’s a common suggestion irl, of course everyone on MN will be horrified but it is frequently suggested back in the real world. I remember my sister saying she did it to my nephew and he never bit again. Anyway saying all that I would never do it personally, it doesn’t sit right with me

CatFaceCats · 14/07/2021 12:51

I remember my younger sister biting me all the time (she was 4 years younger)
My mum bit her arm and she stopped.

I’m not saying to do it, ive been lucky enough that neither of mine were biters.

idontlikealdi · 14/07/2021 12:54

Dts went through a phase of this, there was only one biter. Every time she did it I said no and out her on the other side of the play room divider for a couple of minutes and completely ignored her. It stopped after a couple of weeks.

Twinkletwinklelittlecar · 14/07/2021 12:54

I do the same thing that I did for pushing. Say no very firmly and quickly. Give the victim lots of fuss and ask if they are OK. Then return them to play and say "biting/pushing/etc is naughty" once and back to normal.
It worked in the main, now they're getting older I do expect an apology to the victim if they get carried away but she only bites me now anyway

x2boys · 14/07/2021 12:55

Toddlers biting each other is one thing but yeah adults don't bite toddlers
My eleven year old non verbal severely autistic son goes through biting phases there will be a reason for the biting, frustration, anger, sensory etc

VerySmallPears · 14/07/2021 12:58

Have you considered a biting toy? It can be a sensory need, so maybe try to meet it a different way? If they bite, time out with biting toy (demonstrate if necessary!), and keep repeating. With any luck you get to the point where they reach for the toy not the other child.

User5827372728 · 14/07/2021 12:59

I stopped my hair puller by pulling his hair hard once!

Mumoblue · 14/07/2021 13:01

When I was in college doing my first childcare course, biting came up as a discussion and the tutor asked the class if we could think of a good approach to a child who is biting?
One girl said very confidently, “Bite them back!”

That was not the right answer. No, don’t bite your kids!

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 14/07/2021 13:02

I’ve seen several adult bites on children when parents have done this and misjudged it; it’s nothing short of horrific to see and personally I’m not interested in hurting my child on purpose.

burritofan · 14/07/2021 13:03

The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem
I’m sorry and I know this must be awful, big sympathy etc etc, but this is objectively HILARIOUS. Can you dip him in nail-biting solution?

No, definitely don’t bite your toddler. You’re a grown-up, he’s a defenceless kid. (I mean, OK, he’s weaponised his teeth…) Sorry, no advice. How long has this been going on? How long does he get put in time out for? What prompts the biting – boredom, hunger, tiredness?

Faranth · 14/07/2021 13:07

Anecdote - I am not suggesting you bite your child.

My younger DB used to bite me. He was about 3 I think, and DM was at her wits end. She was repeatedly told to tell me to bite him back or do it herself. I just couldn't, I would have been 6.

I remember this clear as day - we were in the upstairs landing, playing nicely, and he bit me really hard, it really really hurt. DM told him off (I think he'd already bitten me a few times that day) and then bit his finger. I could see on her face that she really didn't want to, she didn't do it hard, particularly, just enough to make him say 'ow'. He looked at her in absolute disbelief. Then she got up, ran into the bathroom and threw up. Sad

But he never bit me, or anyone else, again.

ArsendLupin · 14/07/2021 13:07

I've seen a suggestion of trying to pre-empt the biting and quickly shove the child's own arm into their mouth so they bite themselves.

I didn't have to do it with mine but my sister did it with my niece and it worked incredibly well. She had to sit right next to the children and watch like a hawk for a sign their would be a bite but she managed it, and it worked.

Harryfrog12 · 14/07/2021 13:07

My toddler bit me a few times. I then took advice from my SIL to bite her back. She cried i felt absolutely awful but yea it worked and never happened again

ArsendLupin · 14/07/2021 13:08

There*

Notimeforaname · 14/07/2021 13:09

Had a lovely little boy where I worked a few years ago,alway biting children either from frustration or seemingly no reason at all. He just felt compelled to?

His poor mother would get very upset picking him up and hearing of another incident. She tried everything suggested.
One day she even asked us, through tears, if we thought he might just be a 'bad kid'Sad and blamed herself.

We assured her it was just a silly habit he would break soon,she asked if biting him back lightly would be worth trying as a friend had told her.

We all said no of course.

She came back on a Monday saying her husband had bitten the child back at the weekend and he sobbed and never did it again. Blush

It doesn't feel at all like an option or the right thing to do,personally. I would never actually tell someone to try it...but I see a lot of other posters here have heard/seen it be used with some success also...

Viviennemary · 14/07/2021 13:09

I think if I ran out of options I might do it reluctantly. You need to keep the other child safe.

x2boys · 14/07/2021 13:11

If there was a smacking thread people would be outraged
Bu some posters seem to think it's OK to bite a toddler???

Kanaloa · 14/07/2021 13:12

I would be very worried that your childminder has suggested biting your child. As someone who’s worked in childcare, that’s not an appropriate suggestion to make.

What I would do is try to break the connection. I know how hard this sounds, but try to keep bitey twin with you at all times, catch him as he is about to bite if you can then move him away, saying ‘no biting.’ It will break the link in his head between biting his twin and a fuss. Then just keep doing that, as he starts to talk more it will fade away.

Sololifeisgreat · 14/07/2021 13:13

Def don’t bite back!
But consider getting their hearing checked - my DD bit other kids at nursery. Turned out she had glue ear and because she couldn’t hear properly and didn’t have the language to communicate as she was only 2 at the time, she bit others when she was frustrated
Didn’t notice it at home as it was obviously a quieter environment at home. Stopped as soon as she had grommets in to cure the glue ear

FAQs · 14/07/2021 13:13

When you say tried time out etc and it doesn’t work, what do you mean? It sounds as though it’s not being done effectively, he simply stays on the step until he realises and apologises, if he laughs and ignore it he goes back and the time starts again. It can work very well when done properly and is better than biting ...

Hardbackwriter · 14/07/2021 13:13

People always say it works like magic if you bite them back and they never bite again but I'm a bit sceptical of this - no other discipline technique works done just once! And I don't understand how seeing/feeling a parent bite shows them that biting is wrong?

Luckily mine has never bitten but I don't think I could bring myself to hurt him on purpose no matter what.

Kanaloa · 14/07/2021 13:14

Also, it’s just not the right thing to teach your child. If he was slapping his twin, would you slap him? If he was slinging hot wheels cars at his twin, do you chuck a few in his face?

Gumboots29 · 14/07/2021 13:14

I had a biter but he used to bite me, not other children. It’s hideous and even as an adult it really hurt.

I also got the advice to ‘bite him back’. But honestly, what are you teaching him if you do that? It’s not ok for him to bite but it is for you to bite?

FWIW mine grew out of it. But you have my sympathy, it’s a tricky one.

SeaPinks · 14/07/2021 13:14

Dd went through a hitting stage at the same age and our attempts to stop her weren't working so when she did it I put her in the travel cot in the same room for a minute. It did work straightaway. She just wasn't old enough to understand beforehand so doing something she didn't like afterwards, albeit something mild and not cruel, worked.