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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not bite my child?

329 replies

Charmtaste · 14/07/2021 12:43

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

OP posts:
Aprilinspringtimeshower · 14/07/2021 13:15

No experience of this , but do you think the biter just doesn’t know it results in pain? Can you get the biter to bite his own arm a little bit to make the connection between his teeth, flesh and pain? Anyone tried to do that and persuade their child to give themselves a little bite?

LizzieW1969 · 14/07/2021 13:15

My DM told me that she did this with one of us. I suspect that it was my DSis, as I remember her biting me when I was 4 and she was 2. It certainly didn’t persist as a problem.

My DD2 similarly did this to my DD1, who is 3 years older. I didn’t bite, as it didn’t feel right to me either. My DDs are adopted (which is an added dimension here) and DD1 was violent to both her and to me at that time, so it wasn’t clear cut at all. Unfortunately, she also started biting back, and she bit much harder, being older and stronger.

Thankfully, it stopped finally, but I really was at my wits end. I can see why some parents resort to biting back, but I think it really isn’t a road to go down on.

GingerFoxInAT0phat · 14/07/2021 13:16

I wonder how truthful people are when they say their child didn’t bite again after the parent bit them. Do they say that validate themselves after biting a child?

goldfinchfan · 14/07/2021 13:16

you don't have to bite hard though.
the message will get across hopefully.

i had a dgs who did this one day i had had enough. ihave a medical condition that meant it really hurt me. So i gently bit back
he never did it again.

this was over 20 years ago. he grew into a lovely gentle young man.

Ponoka7 · 14/07/2021 13:16

Shouting doesn't work. You don't want a fear response from your toddler. Set up play and intercept. Then remove the biter and keep fussing the victim. I'd even give a food treat as well. I don't agree with biting back, although it does work and they don't seem to remember.

PumpkinKlNG · 14/07/2021 13:16

Tbf I know it has worked for the people that have done it but I still wouldn’t do it personally but then I’ve never had a biter really, dd has bit me in the past probably around 3 times and she’s 4 so not a constant thing so never really been an issue

EmeraldShamrock · 14/07/2021 13:17

It isn't whatever the reason, twin is being abused if covered in bites, Dsis used to tap on Dnephew's front teeth with a cross face and finger wag, he understood eventually. He bite his sister if she wasn't doing what he wanted he'd lose control.

peboh · 14/07/2021 13:17

I personally would not and could not bite my child. They're far too young to truly appreciate any consequences of the biting, so you just have to keep reaffirming no.

copernicium · 14/07/2021 13:17

I don't get this logic. Does it not teach the child that biting is ok?

Hardbackwriter · 14/07/2021 13:17

@Kanaloa

Also, it’s just not the right thing to teach your child. If he was slapping his twin, would you slap him? If he was slinging hot wheels cars at his twin, do you chuck a few in his face?
This is what I don't understand too - I don't think it's right, but I also just don't see it would work. But then perhaps that's because I very quickly realised that if I shouted at DS he became much more shouty - maybe that's a personality thing and not all children respond like this? For mine I feel confident (having never tested it) that if I smacked or bit him it would be the same as the shouting - he'd copy the behaviour, not stop the unpleasant behaviour that prompted it.
Kanaloa · 14/07/2021 13:18

@copernicium

Well there’s also a poster saying she pulled her child’s hair ‘hard’ to teach him not to pull people’s hair. I mean, seems counter-intuitive to me, but apparently people think this is acceptable.

DocsOddSocks · 14/07/2021 13:18

I was a biter til my Mum bit me. I never did it again Smile

peboh · 14/07/2021 13:19

@copernicium

I don't get this logic. Does it not teach the child that biting is ok?
If I bit my daughter she'd assume it was a game we were playing. I agree. It doesn't seem logical.
Hardbackwriter · 14/07/2021 13:19

@goldfinchfan

you don't have to bite hard though. the message will get across hopefully.

i had a dgs who did this one day i had had enough. ihave a medical condition that meant it really hurt me. So i gently bit back
he never did it again.

this was over 20 years ago. he grew into a lovely gentle young man.

And I really don't get why a gentle bite would work - a painful one I can see (though again the thought of deliberately inflicting pain on a toddler isn't a nice one) but why would a gentle bite deter a child?
HerrenaHarridan · 14/07/2021 13:22

No one is saying bite a chunk off them... you’re just demonstrating it hurts

copernicium · 14/07/2021 13:22

Generally in life, I act how I want my child to behave. I model calmness, kindness, acceptance etc - as what they see, they will also generally become. Obviously none of us are saints but I think this is how we generally behave, is it not?

DappledOliveGroves · 14/07/2021 13:22

I bit my mother as a child in the Post Office queue. She bit me back and I never bit again.

Thankfully DD was never a biter so I didn't have to put this to the test. As I understand it, though, children that bite don't necessarily know that it hurts the other person or what it feels like. If they get bitten, suddenly it dawns on them and they don't do it again.

Personally, if the biting issue is so serious and causing such detriment to others, then I can't get het up about the suggestion that a short, quick bite to the toddler is a way forwards. A second of trauma that stops months of pain and misery for others seems a good trade off in my view.

PatchworkElmer · 14/07/2021 13:23

@x2boys

If there was a smacking thread people would be outraged Bu some posters seem to think it's OK to bite a toddler???
I agree with this. “My child keeps hitting their sibling- WIBU to hit him back?” Why is biting considered outside this??
Secondbellini · 14/07/2021 13:23

I have no advice, but just wanted to say sorry OP. It sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

Hardbackwriter · 14/07/2021 13:23

@GingerFoxInAT0phat

I wonder how truthful people are when they say their child didn’t bite again after the parent bit them. Do they say that validate themselves after biting a child?
I wonder about this apparent sudden and 100% success rate too - as I said, it makes it the most effective discipline technique ever!

I think there's some confirmation bias here, and also some coincidence - the vast majority of biters grow out of it (quite a few 2 year olds bite, very few 6 year olds do) so there's a decent chance that anything you do 'works' in that they stop eventually.

remotecontrollerz · 14/07/2021 13:25

When my sister bit my cousin my mum put mustard in her mouth and she never did it again! Grin

This was 30 years ago though so not something I would advise! Quite shocked the childminder suggested you bite him back!

onlyhereforthecake · 14/07/2021 13:26

@GingerFoxInAT0phat

I wonder how truthful people are when they say their child didn’t bite again after the parent bit them. Do they say that validate themselves after biting a child?
no.

But I can see why it would help people who refuse the idea to comfort themselves they are right.

amylou8 · 14/07/2021 13:27

I would bite him. I had a biter and it worked for us. But my parenting of toddlers is 25 years out of date, and I'm sure that's completely unacceptable these days, and would probably land you in all sorts of trouble.

saraclara · 14/07/2021 13:28

I think people get desperate when it comes to biting. Parents of victims of the biter always react WAY more strongly to their child being bitten, than to anything else. There's another thread that's now been deleted where almost every poster was vitriolic about what they'd do if their child came home from nursery with a bite. Add into that that it's really difficult to stop a biter. Unless you don't leave their side for a single second, they will always find an opportunity.

When everything has been tried, and they're becoming aware that everyone at toddler group/nursery hates their child and is blaming them, people who would never dream of hitting their child or of any other physical punishment, end up feeling trapped in a corner.

I don't think I could do it, and I'd never tell anyone to. But I would have some sympathy for a desperate parent who did.

SeaPinks · 14/07/2021 13:30

It probably works in the same way if you touch something and get burned you wouldn't touch it again. NB I have never done it and wouldn't I'm just saying I don't doubt people saying it worked