AIBU to not bite my child?

[Charmtaste]

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

For all those biters - if a child in my care told me that the bite mark on their arm was from a parent then I'd be filling in a welfare concern. I can't believe a poster thought the story about the police attending a disturbance involving a distressed child and finding a toddler with an bite mark from an adult who was then arrested was made up. Of course that would be the outcome in that situation. It can and does happen.

A 'gentle' bite that has no possibility of leaving a mark isn't going to hurt to teach them it's sore anyway so rather pointless.

The part about the pharmacist made me laugh though - both the sudocrem suggestion (imagine the mess) and just the very idea of a pharmacist giving out parenting advice in the first place 😆.

@Justcallmebabs that sounds like a really good idea. We will try it.

That’s such a coincidence, I used to work with a pharmacist who would put a thin layer of Sudocrem mixed with moisturiser on his daughters arm to stop the younger brother from licking her. Yes, licking. The boy would grab her arm and say “yummy yummy ice cream!”. Kids are great aren’t they?!

Tbh I would. Just once. It isn’t about punishing the child. It’s about making them realise what a bite feels like so they realise the pain they’re causing. If it doesn’t work I would continue to do it.

I know someone who had a toddler who would constantly bite her - one day she lost it and but her back and the toddler had a complete meltdown, but never did it again.

That said, it's like smacking a child who is smacking another child. I would be more tempted to punish them another way to be honest, not involving physical abuse.

*Don't use time out. It encourages shame

Jesus wept, we can’t even allow children to feel shame for bad behaviour now? No wonder so many young people are completely unprepared for life’s challenges*

You know little about child psychology. You don't want to induce feelings of shame in a child and make them feel like a bad person.

Do some reading around attachment and positive parenting. It's not about not showing a child right and wrong. It's about psychologically what you are teaching.

I too would report to social care any patent whose child told me they had been hit or bitten by their primary caregiver.

Firstly it's illogical completely to say you can't do this to others but I can do it to you. Secondly you are teaching them to be scared of you.
How far do you take the logic? Hit them if they hit, bite if they bite. If they shout do you start yelling at them? Do you push them over or off their bike if they push another child?

Time out (when used as a punishment) is going to be ineffective with many persistent biters. You need to find the reason or reasons because there can be multiple things going on of why they are biting.

I think a little shame is fine if it stops another child being black and blue. But ime shame is a very transitory emotion in toddlers, if it exists at all. Time out was more about realising mum really means it this time.

Poor you, kids really do test us!
However if your two year old is laughing at you when you discipline him then you clearly need to be firmer. They need to know who is boss round here. I'm sure you'll get him in order. Good luck x

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

How would people feel if they found out their Nanny/childminder had given their child a 'quick nip?' I can just imagine the outrage on here.

“How dare they! That’s my right as their parent! Only I get to bite my child!” 😂🙄

I used to bite my sister when we were toddlers. My mum decided the only way to stop me was to bite me. I never did it again.

I'm not saying she bit me so it caused damage but hard enough to make me realise I was hurting my sister.

Lolapusht yes, quite.

@Porcupineintherough

I think a little shame is fine if it stops another child being black and blue. But ime shame is a very transitory emotion in toddlers, if it exists at all. Time out was more about realising mum really means it this time.

So do I. We are trying to teach them right from wrong

When it happened to me, I screamed really really loud as it hurt like hell, which shocked the biter. I then, I think, started crying and told the biter to go to their room in a really, really dramatic way. I later had a big discussion with them about how biting is not on. I think overall the shock and seriousness of the whole situation worked to convince the biter to never do it again.

I am very much against smacking and any form of physical punishment. I remember someone telling me that they bit their child and the child never bit again and I was horrified, I knew I could never do that myself..... until I was at my wits end with a toddler biter of my own. It worked like magic 🤷‍♀️

I didn't realise thus was so common. My mum told me she did this with my sister (well over 35 years ago) and she never did it again. She looked confused as to why I had a look of horror on my face! Not for me!

As I was phoning someone, my toddler bit me hard on the bottom. I was so shocked I whirled round and gave her a quick smack on her nappy protected bottom. She was also shocked - and she never bit anyone again. She's grown into a very gentle and kind adult woman. Before people pile onto me, a quick smack is not a beating. All my children knew the rules from early on. "I tell you once, I tell you twice. The third time you will have a smack. I didn't often get to 3 because they knew what would happen. The reflex smack when I was bitten was a very rare occurrence.
All my children, now grown up, are kind and gentle. And the two who have children regularly left them with me for weekends etc before Covid so they were obviously not traumatised by their upbringing!..... My neighbour's little boy used to bite my son - left tooth marks on his arm. My neighbour chided him but he still bit. I had to stop visiting them until he grew out of it.

@rantymcrantface66

For all those biters - if a child in my care told me that the bite mark on their arm was from a parent then I'd be filling in a welfare concern. I can't believe a poster thought the story about the police attending a disturbance involving a distressed child and finding a toddler with an bite mark from an adult who was then arrested was made up. Of course that would be the outcome in that situation. It can and does happen.

A 'gentle' bite that has no possibility of leaving a mark isn't going to hurt to teach them it's sore anyway so rather pointless.

The part about the pharmacist made me laugh though - both the sudocrem suggestion (imagine the mess) and just the very idea of a pharmacist giving out parenting advice in the first place 😆.

Well I didn't leave a mark, still shocked him and stopped him.

@wantanotherdog

As I was phoning someone, my toddler bit me hard on the bottom. I was so shocked I whirled round and gave her a quick smack on her nappy protected bottom. She was also shocked - and she never bit anyone again. She's grown into a very gentle and kind adult woman. Before people pile onto me, a quick smack is not a beating. All my children knew the rules from early on. "I tell you once, I tell you twice. The third time you will have a smack. I didn't often get to 3 because they knew what would happen. The reflex smack when I was bitten was a very rare occurrence. All my children, now grown up, are kind and gentle. And the two who have children regularly left them with me for weekends etc before Covid so they were obviously not traumatised by their upbringing!..... My neighbour's little boy used to bite my son - left tooth marks on his arm. My neighbour chided him but he still bit. I had to stop visiting them until he grew out of it.

I think a reflex when you are hurt is understandable.

@Missdotty

When it happened to me, I screamed really really loud as it hurt like hell, which shocked the biter. I then, I think, started crying and told the biter to go to their room in a really, really dramatic way. I later had a big discussion with them about how biting is not on. I think overall the shock and seriousness of the whole situation worked to convince the biter to never do it again.

How old was the child, I can see that working when they are old enough to be sent to their room and have a discussion but lots of these biters are a bit little for that to work.

My DS went through a horrible stage of biting, us, his sister, other kids at nursery. I asked nursery what else I could do ( time out, naughty step, bed, telling off wasnt working ) and nursery teacher said they couldn't advise to do it but if someone bit DS back he would likely stop

Gor his DD to bite him back hard, and he never bit her again

@Justcallmebabs

Our son did this, was common to have incidents of this at nursery and amongst our friends kids. It was horrible and embarrassing. We asked our nursery what to do, they suggested we do a role play where we pretend one of us (DH or I) bites the other, the victim gets upset etc. We did it (my husband pretending to bite me and me pretending to cry). It was very effective…..too effective (testament to our acting skills perhaps?? ). Our son threw himself over me, quite upset and kept glaring at my husband, wouldn’t go to him for the rest of the evening. Perhaps a bit mean but he stopped biting after that……

That sounds more harmful than a fairly soft bite. Obviously you wouldn't have known that in advance.

It worked on my sister.

I mean you don't take a chomp out of them, just enough so they realise it bloody hurts.

2000 votes in, and still 78% saying don't bite your child despite the thrust of the comments.

@Justcallmebabs

Our son did this, was common to have incidents of this at nursery and amongst our friends kids. It was horrible and embarrassing. We asked our nursery what to do, they suggested we do a role play where we pretend one of us (DH or I) bites the other, the victim gets upset etc. We did it (my husband pretending to bite me and me pretending to cry). It was very effective…..too effective (testament to our acting skills perhaps?? ). Our son threw himself over me, quite upset and kept glaring at my husband, wouldn’t go to him for the rest of the evening. Perhaps a bit mean but he stopped biting after that……

I don’t think this is good advice, I think this could alarm a child and teach them that dad hurts mum sometimes or vice versa. Watching one of the two most important people in his life so the very thing you’re trying to teach him is not ok…makes no sense.