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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not bite my child?

329 replies

Charmtaste · 14/07/2021 12:43

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

OP posts:
onlyhereforthecake · 14/07/2021 13:58

Yes Tossblanket of course that happened, we believe you.

Jerima · 14/07/2021 13:58

Please don't bite your child. If they are laughing they don't understand what they're doing and it may be that they need a bit of a chew and don't understand they are hurting.

Crunchy food like a carrot or something if you can when they bite or a teether type thing in the mouth straight after along with your firm telling them not to bite the other child. Also at random times when they're playing reward them both for not biting ie " I'm so proud at you for not biting, have a chocolate button or whatever.

Mayhemmumma · 14/07/2021 13:58

Ps I mean your Health Visitor is correct in that the child will grow out of it, not by slathering yourselves in sudo cream.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 14/07/2021 13:59

@ArsendLupin

I've seen a suggestion of trying to pre-empt the biting and quickly shove the child's own arm into their mouth so they bite themselves.

I didn't have to do it with mine but my sister did it with my niece and it worked incredibly well. She had to sit right next to the children and watch like a hawk for a sign their would be a bite but she managed it, and it worked.

Not exactly the same, but friends daughter once accidentally bit herself. No idea how, she was trying to bite her baby brother. It worked though, she never did it again.
Tossblanket · 14/07/2021 13:59

Yes Tossblanket of course that happened, we believe you.

No bother 👍🏻

GetTheStartyParted · 14/07/2021 13:59

I remember telling my mum that my younger sister had bitten me. She was about 3 at the time. My mum bit her so hard it that it bruised, it looked so painful.

Thirty years later, I still recall how guilty I felt at the time. I had linked it to my mum losing control, as she often did. Another of her abusive behaviours towards us, but reading this I'm now wondering if she was actually trying to parent us Hmm

I would not be able to bite my child.

Jossbow · 14/07/2021 14:01

Part them, leave the biter in a safe space ( a playpen perhaps, or high chair) and comfort the bitten one

Theunamedcat · 14/07/2021 14:04

@Charmtaste

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

Friend was reccomended mustard instead of sudocrem she just used to intervene instead one day the child bit her while she was putting her hand in between to redirect the teeth towards a chew toy she screamed OW JESUS FUCKING HELL 😳 the child sobbed his heart out and never really bit on that scale again it wasn't perfect but at least he was no longer known as the snapping turtle of the baby group
m0therofdragons · 14/07/2021 14:06

I felt like you but also had twins. Once dtd1 bit dtd2 so hard she drew blood on dtd1’s cheek I said “no, we do not bite, it hurts - look…” then I bit dtd1 on her arm. Felt awful but I needed to protect dtd2. My experience was it worked - they are now 9 and have no memory of it.

Cockadoodles · 14/07/2021 14:06

You must not bite the biter! This only serves to reinforce the behaviour as acceptable. People who recommend doing so are idiots

m0therofdragons · 14/07/2021 14:07

I think the difference is a controlled manner and losing it - that matters and how you talk about it too.

m0therofdragons · 14/07/2021 14:09

@Cockadoodles that’s easy to say but the reality is that it works and after 4 months of dtd2 being bitten I realised that my need to protect dtd2 was greater than my not wanting to bite dd1 to teach her biting = pain.

Kanaloa · 14/07/2021 14:09

Honestly I would say biting your child in a ‘calm, controlled manner’ is even worse than losing your temper and biting them in anger. And do you not see the absolutely stupidity in saying ‘we don’t bite’ followed by biting your child? It’s lazy, ineffectual parenting.

LouiseBelchersBunnyEars · 14/07/2021 14:09

@Cockadoodles

You must not bite the biter! This only serves to reinforce the behaviour as acceptable. People who recommend doing so are idiots
They’re not really idiots if it worked 🤷‍♀️

Like I said, my mum did it to me, and I stopped. I’m not traumatised ffs.
It just teaches you not to do it again.
Like touching the iron

Kanaloa · 14/07/2021 14:10

And there are other options, there have been many suggestions on this thread. It isn’t the choice between biting your toddler or lying back and relaxing while they reenact Jaws in playgroup.

whiteonesugar · 14/07/2021 14:10

Luckily not had a serial biter, but i do wonder how they will know it hurts the other person without a frame of reference. Same for hitting.

ButterflyBitch · 14/07/2021 14:11

I remember being bitten by my mum. I have no memory of biting my sister but I do remember my mum chasing me up the stairs and biting me. I was older than a toddler though. My daughter was bitten at nursery and what annoyed me the most is that it had happened and no one noticed! She had a full on teeth Mark bite on her arm. Thankfully my kids weren’t biters but I wouldn’t have bitten them anyway.

LouiseBelchersBunnyEars · 14/07/2021 14:12

@Kanaloa

And there are other options, there have been many suggestions on this thread. It isn’t the choice between biting your toddler or lying back and relaxing while they reenact Jaws in playgroup.
Like I said, my mum used to cry she felt so embarrassed, she had tried EVERYTHING and I was still there chomping away at any and everything. She bit me once and I never did it again 🤷‍♀️
Sprogonthetyne · 14/07/2021 14:13

DS went through a biting phase, but luckily aimed at me not other kids. What seemed to work was over-acted aw that hurts, then ignoring him for a minute or so. We also did a lot of playing with dinosaur and telling t-rex not to bite the others and bandaging up hurt dinosaurs that had been bitten and talking about how sad they were.

Must be so much harder when you have two little ones, is there any way you can set up separate play spaces (playpen/ room devide thing) and separate them any time you can't give close supervision to intervean.

Cockadoodles · 14/07/2021 14:16

My brothers child used to bite. It was because she was bitten at nursery so was a learned behaviour. It became a habit which with a bit of effort was then broken. Yes he had to watch her like a hawk and explain to her when she did it or tried to that it was wrong. He didn’t bite her to show it was wrong. That would be just stupid. Would you punch your child in the face to show that you don’t punch people in the face? Would you kick them to teach them don’t kick? I do worry about people - if this is what we have parenting the nations kids……..

Dontdripme · 14/07/2021 14:19

Before reading your post, I thought no way! But honestly whats the solution, the twin thats being bitten and traumatised to be left being hurt all the time?

onlyhereforthecake · 14/07/2021 14:20

@Cockadoodles

You must not bite the biter! This only serves to reinforce the behaviour as acceptable. People who recommend doing so are idiots
not only you are the idiot, but if you pretend it's fine because "they will grow out of it" you are borderline abusive.

Fine to try various options when the child is biting YOU - you are an adult, you can take it, and have the patience to try a million nonsense solutions, but when the child is biting a much younger sibling, it's a real problem.

Bad enough if they bite someone their own age and risk getting whacked in reply!

People don't try to stop biting for the fun of it.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/07/2021 14:21

Of course it sounds barbaric, but unfortunately it does apparently work.
Very tiny children just can’t/don’t understand that it hurts.

My MiL once told me that as a toddler, her eldest son was a habitual biter, until - having tried everything else, she became desperate enough to bite him back. He never did it again.

peruse · 14/07/2021 14:21

@Tossblanket

Assaulting a toddler or child to teach them it's wrong to assault another.

Yeah real logic in that Confused

Here's food for thought, I attended exactly this sort of thing years ago after concerned neighbours called about a child screaming.

The father had followed this shit advice and bitten his toddler leaving a mark on a her arm, a 3 year old child ffs.

I took him into custody and he spent the night in a cell. Good.

So feel free to bash your kids and bite them but you may well find yourself getting banged up which quite honestly is what you'd deserve.

@_DHOTYA
onlyhereforthecake · 14/07/2021 14:21

and I worry about other kids who will put in the same playgroup or class as some of the ridiculous - my child can't do any wrong - idiots.

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