AIBU to not bite my child?

[Charmtaste]

I have twins who have just turned 2. One bites the other constantly. There does not seem to be any malice involved, they will be playing nicely and then one bites. Unfortunately the bitten twin is often covered in nasty bites. He is becoming quite traumatised by it all. I give the bitten twin a lot of attention when he is bitten and ignore the biter. When I have tried to discipline the biter, through time out or shouting he just laughs.

I have asked my HV for advice and she said the biter would grow out of it.
The pharmacist suggested keeping the bitten twin topless and slathered in sudocrem so that he tastes bad to the biter!

Everyone else, my mum, MIL, playgroup ladies, childminder etc says I should bite the biter every time. I just can't bring myself to bite my child. It seems barbaric but on the other hand the bitten twin is in pain.

YANBU: Do not bite your toddler
YABU: Bite your toddler

One of mine was a biter, it was so embarrassing as the nursery were getting alot of complaints from other parents. I got alot of dirty looks, I don't think me being a teenager helped. I got lots of the "bite him" advice and was horrified. One day he bit my Goddaughter really badly on the face and I bit him. He never did it again. I didn't feel good about it and I was wrong to lose control and do something I'd sworn never to do but it did work. I was actually quite shocked that it would work instantly like that.

He had the same problem with one of his children.

It’s ‘sweet’ for a childminder to ask to bite your child? Erm, no, it’s totally unprofessional and doesn’t sound like something a qualified and experienced childcare practitioner would even dream of saying.

I’ve noticed the biting advocates are very quiet when posters are asking why smacking w child of they smack isn’t ok but biting is. Surely if the result is it “teach it hurts” then slapping your toddler is fine? As long as it’s to teach them a lesson that slapping hurts?

Childminder is probably a bad description. She has been with me before I had kids, she organises the house, cleans, and looks after the children when I want to get on with other things. She has known them since birth and they see her like a family member. I suppose she is more of a mother’s help.

I'd never bite a child BUT it did used to be common advice.

I do like the idea of somehow getting the child to bite themselves instead, though.

Right, well it sounds like she is unqualified and inexperienced then, which may explain why she doesn’t have the skill set to navigate this issue correctly as it should be handled at a childminder’s or nursery.

@Hppppsauce

Please look at Big Little Feeings on insta www.instagram.com/p/CRB91RissAx/?utm_medium=copy_link

Punishment based discipline does not work long term and is an antiquated view.

The awful truth is that lots of us found it worked like magic. Mine went from being a serial offender to never biting again and I'm not the only one with that experience.

@Mayhemmumma

It doesn't 'work' any differently to smacking or otherwise hurting your child for bad behaviour.

And please remember if you leave teeth marks it is illegal.

Smacking does work sometimes though, so maybe not the best comparison. As long as it's not hard and not done angrily. Not popular on here, but my 3 year old got too excited and hit my pregnant stomach. She got a reactive smack back and apologised straight away. Never had a reoccurrence.

@SmallPrawnEnergy

I’ve noticed the biting advocates are very quiet when posters are asking why smacking w child of they smack isn’t ok but biting is. Surely if the result is it “teach it hurts” then slapping your toddler is fine? As long as it’s to teach them a lesson that slapping hurts?

I didn't smack, I never intended to bite. I have a feeling that biting is satisfying to the child in a way that hitting isn't and the whole thing of being bitten when they never thought it could happen to them plus the realisation it hurts has some effect that smacking wouldn't.

Having a child who bites is really difficult, the reality is you can't be that close to them every second, seeing the other child with broken skin and a deep bite perhaps many times is awful.

I'd never advocate biting but I will admit I did it and it worked.

Smacking doesn’t work. It doesn’t address the core issues and give your child the tools to behave differently in the future. It just frightens and hurts them, it’s lazy and selfish parenting of the highest order.

[quote VaguelyInteresting]@onlyhereforthecake

Ernmmmmm...no experience? My child has been bitten at nursery, very badly (left an open wound on his back) by a serial biter.

I was horrified but STILL wouldn’t have wanted him bitten in retaliation by any grown adult, let alone someone I was paying as a professional.

I suspect ofsted would be clutching their pearls all the way to the childminders front door if they knew.

Silly woman.[/quote]
But if both children were yours and one was constantly marked with bites and nothing else worked do you think you might just do it?

That photo of your bitten twin looks horrific, poor little thing.

Sorry but I'm in the bite them back camp.

I had one. Used to literately launch himself at his older sister (2 and 5). No amount of telling off, removing toys, time outs was doing it and my 5yo was being constantly bitten.

I was at my wits end, so yes I bit him back the next time. He cried (I hadn't even left any kind of mark)
He never did it again.
I think the shock hammered the point home to him.

He grew up fine by the way. And I haven't bitten any small children since.

Horrible to think of biting your child but then the poor twin being bitten. Maybe try the mustard?

My DS was bitten by the same child in nursery. At least one bite a week. He then bit DS on the nose and got a punch from DS in retaliation. I must admit that I didn't feel remotely bad that DS hit him

Anyone that bites a child is an abuser. If an adult bit you you wouldn't stand for it so what makes adults think it's OK to abuse a child? Makes my blood boil to think some of these posters have kids

2 is too young for time outs, that might be adding to the frustration that is causing the behaviour.

I'd say every time 'no we don't bite people' and offer a toy to bite instead. Really close supervision is needed so you can physically intervene and gently stop the behaviour each time.

What do you think the biter is feeling when they bite? Is it done out of frustration or to get your attention. If a toddler is feeling deprived of attention then any attention is better than none, they might be doing it for your attention.

There are people who actually think it's ok for an adult to bite a child?

W.T.A.F.

It goes against my personal beliefs, but in desperation I used this method when my 4 year old kept pinching my 2 year old. After unsuccessfully trying explaining to her why we don't pinch, giving her times outs, taking toys away as punishment, offering rewards for going a day without pinching etc., I gave her a little pinch on the arm one day. I didn't do it hard, but enough to be uncomfortable. I told her that's what it felt like to her sister. It could have been the cumulative effect of everything else I tried or something else. But ultimately she never pinched again.

I remember one of my nephews was a biter. He bit my niece one day, when Mum was looking after them, and quick as a wink, with a face fulled with absolute rage, she grabbed his arm, and growled in his face, 'how would you like it if I did that to you? Well, should I?' The kid literally shat himself. And never bit again. I don't think she would've - actually, yes, she most probably would've!

@Mayhemmumma

It doesn't 'work' any differently to smacking or otherwise hurting your child for bad behaviour.

And please remember if you leave teeth marks it is illegal.

Its not hurting them because of bad behaviour though, its essentially giving them a taste of their own medicine in that very specific scenario. To show their actions are causing pain.

Biting a child back who bites and hurts other children will make them realise very quickly its bloody horrible, hence all the posters saying they did it the once and problem solved.

Again with smacking, only time that would remotely be acceptable is in response to a child constantly smacking another very hard and no other option has worked in making them understand its hurting the other child. It shows them in a very specific way that is not an acceptable thing to do.

Its not punishment.

I know of no parent who actively goes around biting their toddlers just because they were naughty. and I can't see any parent on this thread condoning smacking and biting their children. Its a solution to an awful problem which does not hurt the child, it more shocks them, but it stops another child being consistently hurt very badly.

The only time I've hit either of my DC was when DS was going through a hitting phase. Like OP, I'd done all the "No, we don't hit" and "do you think that's a nice thing to do" and time out and it didn't stop the behaviour.

So I told him that next time he hit me, I was going to hit him and would see how it felt.

Then the next time he hit me, I calmly said, "I don't like it and now you can see what it's like," and I smacked him on his arm. Not hard, but hard enough to sting.

He didn't hit again. I did not like it but it did work. It was important to me though that I made it clear (whether he fully understood or not) that I wasn't retaliating, but rather showing him why it wasn't great. As it turns out, DS has some processing issues and one of the challenges we've had is his ability to process language/speech. He's much much better now, but the truth is that I could talk at him all I liked, he didn't understand.

Absolute nonsense. Of course an adult biting a child is going to hurt them, and of course it’s punishment. It’s absolutely awful parenting.

I know it's unpopular, but I think I'd bite him, just hard enough to make him realise that it actually hurts.

It seems like he's almost enjoying the punishments (the attention, really) he's received before, if he's laughing. You need a punishment that he dislikes enough for it to be a deterrent. Other than that, yes, he'll eventually grow out of it, but the bitten twin shouldn't have to suffer until that happens.

bookworm, are you serious? Toddlers develop empathy with their growing brain and emotional development, and by seeing empathic behaviour modelled around them.

They don't develop it by a blinding realisation as if they say 'Ohhhhhh! if I do X it hurts, and so I must not do it cos it is not nice.'

Obviously they need to know it is not acceptable behaviour, but this is done in the same way as you encourage pro social behaviour and discourage antisocial behaviour...with words, explanations, lack of huge fuss, over and over again,.

it makes as much sense as discouraging food tipping on the floor by an adult to demonstrate not to tip food on the floor.

It's cruel, painful and ineffective.

Twenty years ago I bit my two year old after he had bitten my neighbours child for the third time.He had already bitten other children and no amount of chastising him had helped . I bit him hard enough that it hurt and he looked completely shocked .I felt awful doing it but felt I had no other option.He never bit anyone again and is today a lovely well balanced and happy young man .

@tiktok

bookworm, are you serious? Toddlers develop empathy with their growing brain and emotional development, and by seeing empathic behaviour modelled around them.

They don't develop it by a blinding realisation as if they say 'Ohhhhhh! if I do X it hurts, and so I must not do it cos it is not nice.'

Obviously they need to know it is not acceptable behaviour, but this is done in the same way as you encourage pro social behaviour and discourage antisocial behaviour...with words, explanations, lack of huge fuss, over and over again,.

it makes as much sense as discouraging food tipping on the floor by an adult to demonstrate not to tip food on the floor.

It's cruel, painful and ineffective.

Yet they usually stop after it happens to them so it's actually quite effective...