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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I was unreasonable to let him in

241 replies

PonyPals · 14/07/2021 10:43

I am working from home at the moment and have been receiving deliveries. The delivery guy (have seen him 3 times before) asked to use the toilet when he dropped off a package last week. I let him... DH said I should not have done that but how could I say no.
Well today, the same delivery driver asked if I could give him some biscuits. I was taken aback but ended up giving him a packet. DH thinks I'm a sucker and the delivery driver will become a CF.
But I don't know... AIBU?
I do admit, it was a weird request but then I thought what if he is diabetic and needed to eat but at the same time if you were diabetic surely you would be prepared???

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/07/2021 14:33

I to think he's checking out your boundaries OP. Time to say no.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/07/2021 14:37

It's pretty concerning how easily some women dismiss this in favour of MAN FIRST -oooh he might have T1 diabetes

I accept that it's not the most likely scenario with the diabetes suggestions, but it is a possibility (assuming that we aren't othering disabled people and claiming that they can't really be living and working in society with everybody else).

FWIW, my comments would have been identical if it had been a female delivery driver - I was answering based on 'diabetes possibility first' rather than what sex the person happens to be.

notalwaysalondoner · 14/07/2021 14:40

Loo, for sure - I suffer IBS and have had some incredibly painful and embarrassing experiences madly looking for a loo, it's basic humanity to allow anohter person to relieve themselves.

Biscuits is odd, I would have given them a couple if they'd asked more as I wouldn't have the heart to say no, but a whole packet is generous! Will he be delivering things again? I'd refuse anything except the toilet or water in future.

GrolliffetheDragon · 14/07/2021 14:46

@Cooldryplace

If that's how you want to take it. I'm not prepared to live in fear and I choose to think well of everyone until they show me otherwise. Iife is good mainly because of our positive interactions with other people and I'm not going to deny myself that because of what might happen.

Others will choose differently and that's up to them.

You can have positive interactions with people without letting people you don't know into your house! I have many, while still being wary of being alone with strange men - unfortunately I do have negative experiences.
Jijithecat · 14/07/2021 14:53

@msbevvy I watched that last night. It was at the very least grubby at worst highly disturbing. For anyone that didn't see it a man who was there to install a smart meter exposed himself to a vulnerable woman and asked if she wanted to join in. I think they found his semen on her toilet seat.
But of course it seems that according to some posters on Mumsnet men like this simply don't exist.

Thelnebriati · 14/07/2021 14:54

Its scary to see how many people make up excuses for men who behave like this or go along with them.

He is scoping out OP and testing her boundaries. He now knows she cant keep him out of her house and can't say 'no'.

2bazookas · 14/07/2021 14:55

I'd have let him use the loo..once. Now he's abusing his job and customer.

The biscuit demand is way OTT , red flag. To protect other more vulnerable female customers from his behaviour I would report it to his employer, with name if he wears one or take a note of time and vehicle number if not.

Blue4YOU · 14/07/2021 14:55

I’m saying this: read the opening pages of The Gift of Fear (not fiction)… you’ll never let someone into your house to be kind again!
Not that the scenarios are identical.
And, I’ll add, as someone who was assaulted by a male doctor (well known, liked and trusted and married to a man by us as a family) while my disabled DD was on my lap in a few seconds when I was alone with him.. even when you think you know them.. you don’t.
And sure, he could have a medical condition. He could also find public toilets (pubs/shops/petrol stations) and food (shop/petrol station/make homeowner) without putting someone in fear (at the very least).
And of course women can assault or rob someone etc etc.
How about women start saying NO more to complete strangers?
If the OP had said no, it would be open to him to say he had IBS (or anything else) if he really needed to.
I wouldn’t ever do anything with him other than say thank you and take the parcel. Preferably with the chain on the door.

Blue4YOU · 14/07/2021 14:56

Sorry comma missing after married to a man..

Handoverthechocollate · 14/07/2021 15:06

I'd be REALLY interested to see what he'll ask for next!

Rainbunny · 14/07/2021 15:07

I'd feel more comfortable giving him biscuits than letting him use the loo actually.

I've only experienced something similar once when a furniture delivery guy asked to use the bathroom. I was moving in and had boxes and stuff piled high in the bathroom (was waiting on carpets being laid etc.. so had to keep rooms clear). I said unfortunately no but the apartment building had toilets on a lower floor accessible to everyone. He suddenly changed his mind and said no that's okay. Later someone pointed out to me that a homeowner's bathroom is always a good opportunity to check for prescription drugs. I have no idea if this was the case but the man went from needing the loo to not needing the loo the second I directed him to one a floor below.

boathemianrhapsody · 14/07/2021 15:08

The toilet is fine. Biscuits is very weird

Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat · 14/07/2021 15:09

It's not a woman's job to make excuses for a man wanting to come into her home to use the bathroom and then asking for food.

He knows that asking for food is unusual. He should explain to dispel the oddness of the request.

The fact that he did not, the fact that he has made an unusual request twice, to see how the OP will react (in 30-odd years with my own home, no one has ever asked to use the loo) - he's well aware of his actions.

He's either completely/deliberately tone-deaf to the potential threat of a male stranger pushing a woman's normal social boundaries in her own home, or he's up to no good.

Either way, I'm not surprised, but somewhat jaded with reading all the excuses and explanations for a man making a woman feel uncomfortable in her home.

blueshoes · 14/07/2021 15:23

I have delivery men stand respectfully back from the door after ringing it so as not to intimidate the owner who comes to the door if she is a woman.

Deliverymen should understand that women can feel threatened in that scenario. He should not have asked to enter a woman's house. He should have been sensitive to that and asked a male person who answered the door instead if he was desperate for the loo.

My guess is he is pushing OP's boundaries and at best having a laugh at her expense and at worst casing the property or grooming her for something else.

frigglerock · 14/07/2021 15:25

Asking for biscuits? That's odd! Is he flirting with you?

Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat · 14/07/2021 15:30

Agree blueshoes. Men need to be educated on making women feel safe and not intimidated.

We already avoid streets at night, don't wear earphones when running, don't run in the woods if it's dark, don't wear high heels in case we need to run, keep our keys clutched between our fingers, etc. etc. etc.

I'm so sick of it. This man should have known not to do this. Men need to start changing THEIR behaviour to make women feel safer. And yet, here's a thread full of excuses for his 'unusual behaviour' because, he couldn't possibly have been up to no good, could he, and it's a woman's job to facilitate his odd requests and not make HIM feel uncomfortable?!

Jeez.

OldTurtleNewShell · 14/07/2021 15:30

He's a CF. Asking to use the loo is probably fine for most people. As others have said, loo breaks can be an issue for a lot of drivers. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
The fact that he followed that up with asking for biscuits? Nope, that's clear he's starting to take the piss.
Who goes around asking strangers for biscuits?
If he were diabetic, he'd almost certainly have said something. And while food poverty is a genuine problem for a lot of people, asking strangers for biscuits is not really something that people do.

LopsidedWombat · 14/07/2021 15:40

I'd hate for a stranger to ask to use my toilet and it never has happened in the thirteen years I've lived here thankfully. In theory I'd say no but in reality no doubt I'd say yes but be very uncomfortable about it. Agree with pp that men should know to not even ask a woman, knowing it will most likely make them uncomfortable in their own home.

The biscuit request is really strange though! What did he say exactly? I'd love to know how he framed the request.

Peach01 · 14/07/2021 15:46

I wouldn't have let him in the house at all. He's a stranger.

newnortherner111 · 14/07/2021 15:48

Toilet fine. It can happen that someone gets caught short.

Have to agree about telling his employer, because of the fear it could induce in others, and if someone has not got time to stop for food, this is a safety issue.

astoundedgoat · 14/07/2021 15:48

Amazed at these "oh he might have diabetes" excuses. This is a stranger who has talked his way into a house twice, the second time obviously premeditated. He is being jaw-droppingly inappropriate intentionally, because he is checking OP's boundaries now that he knows she is regularly alone during the day. If the OP rang his employer to complain, I bet they would take it very seriously.

Maybe he's not a sleazebag (at best), but he's certainly going out of his way to behave like one.

I'm sure you thought you were "just being nice" but that is what people with bad intentions depend upon, OP. Listen to your husband and be a bit more on your guard if this guy comes back. Just don't engage with him at all, even the slightest bit.

Beendownthisroadmorethantwice · 14/07/2021 16:00

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll so can you hand on heart say that you would rather just say to a stranger “can I have a biscuit”. No explanation nothing than explain why?

Really? Honestly? Would you?

muddyford · 14/07/2021 16:02

Unless I had asked a tradesman to my house, I wouldn't be letting any stranger in for any reason, whatever the sex. As PPs have pointed out, there are public loos in supermarkets, along with loads of biscuits. If he has an illness, be it diabetes or IBS, it's up to him to manage it, not for me to allow him into my house.

Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat · 14/07/2021 16:06

Agree astoundedgoat. I cannot believe the number of posters who would invite him in to use the bathroom.

If a tradesperson is in my house already, of course they can use a bathroom. If a male stranger knocked on the door and asked a lone woman to use to the bathroom, half/most of the posters on this thread would apparently say yes. The fact that he's holding a parcel is irrelevant.

Again, in 30 tears of living in my own home, this has never happened to me. It IS an unusual request - there are supermarkets/pubs/whatever that people can use. This is very deliberate behaviour - one can only guess why, but it's not good.

Doodlebug71 · 14/07/2021 16:11

Bloody hell. You don't let strangers into your house when you are alon in it, unless they are delivering a large appliance or something, in which case, there will be two of them, and they're expected.

There's a public toilet a very short drive from here, so if anyone asks, they'll be directed to that, or the ones in the large supermarkets at about the same distance as th epublic toilet.