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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH says I was unreasonable to let him in

241 replies

PonyPals · 14/07/2021 10:43

I am working from home at the moment and have been receiving deliveries. The delivery guy (have seen him 3 times before) asked to use the toilet when he dropped off a package last week. I let him... DH said I should not have done that but how could I say no.
Well today, the same delivery driver asked if I could give him some biscuits. I was taken aback but ended up giving him a packet. DH thinks I'm a sucker and the delivery driver will become a CF.
But I don't know... AIBU?
I do admit, it was a weird request but then I thought what if he is diabetic and needed to eat but at the same time if you were diabetic surely you would be prepared???

OP posts:
Mixmeup · 14/07/2021 13:57

Just to clarify, in NO WAY was the women in that article responsible. I’m pointing out that it’s not safe. Wearing a delivery driver uniform does not guarantee your safety. In fact they have more access to your house.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/07/2021 13:57

People who are too busy at work to visit a shop usually bring some snacks / lunch with them from home. He could stash a pack of biscuits in his glovebox quite easily. Asking for biscuits from householders is not the only way to access food, assuming you're an adult who's capable of planning your working day.

Do you think he'd have asked a male householder for biscuits? If not, why do think that is?

Londongent · 14/07/2021 13:58

[quote JemimaPyjamas]@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll I agree with what you said about 'diabetes' but this is probably why I am get to meet someone with Type 1 diabetes (ie the more-likely-to-hypo type) who doesn't say they are a 'type 1' (and then possibly go into a long tedious explanation between the two, or maybe that's just me...)[/quote]
Absolutely this. A type 1 diabetic would definitely say so. And, it would be highly irresponsible for a type 1 diabetic to be a delivery driver, lugging heavy packages out of a van all day and have nothing to treat a hypo with. Not impossible but highly unlikely

Bumpsadaisie · 14/07/2021 13:59

Even if his intentions are totally innocent what is worrying is his lack of ability to think about how these two requests one after another might make a woman at home alone feel.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/07/2021 14:01

You think he was scared of being abused by the OP for being diabetic? But not at all nervous of randomly asking her for some biscuits without any reason?

No, I don't think he was scared that the OP would abuse him. I'm guessing that she came across as a kindly, amicable person for him to ask her and not another householder. I'm just saying that, once they get used to being treated negatively and/or patronised by people in general because of their medical condition (or sex, job, age, many other characteristics), many people make a conscious decision not to specifically mention it - like with the she/her pronouns on emails issue, where female employees find they are routinely treated much worse than obviously male/ambiguous-sex staff.

CheesyWeez · 14/07/2021 14:03

Using loo is okay, especially if the loo is downstairs. I wouldn't let a delivery driver upstairs. I don't know how delivery drivers manage if people don't let them use their loos.

My neighbour is totally dependent on deliveries as she can't get out and she leaves bottles of water and biscuits out for her delivery persons.

One pack of biscuits is okay OP but next time you'll be prepared with a better answer, whatever you are prepared to do.

Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat · 14/07/2021 14:04

I think using the example of the harassment of Blue Badge holders and - far more so - a survivor of childhood abuse - to illustrate why someone with diabetes might not announce why they needed biscuits is not appropriate.

On two occasions in the last few years, I've had to ask for something with sugar in due to not having my usual emergency supply with me. I was clearly ill both times.

I would have zero issue explaining that I needed sugar, fast, and no - biscuits wouldn't be ideal, but would be far better than nothing. There's no way I would ask without offering an explanation, and I would NEVER compare my situation with the ones above.

If he was experiencing a hypo, it probably would have been obvious. My money's on him checking out your boundaries and I agree with your DH.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/07/2021 14:08

Absolutely this. A type 1 diabetic would definitely say so. And, it would be highly irresponsible for a type 1 diabetic to be a delivery driver, lugging heavy packages out of a van all day and have nothing to treat a hypo with. Not impossible but highly unlikely

You can't say they definitely would, unless you personally are all people with T1D, for reasons I've mentioned in other posts (and probably others too). I agree that they should ensure keeping a supply of glucose tablets/sweets in the van, but accidents can happen. Plus, they may not yet have been diagnosed with diabetes and only know that they suddenly feel weak.

I'm not saying that these are the most likely scenarios at all, but they aren't impossible. Even if something extremely unlikely only ever happens to one person, that one person is still an actual person living in society and not just a statistic that you can round down to zero as insignificant.

CharlotteRose90 · 14/07/2021 14:09

I’m the opposite. I’d give biscuits to someone but no chance will I let them in while I’m at home alone. If I had a downstairs toliet maybe but an upstairs one no chance.

unwuthering · 14/07/2021 14:11

Next thing, you'll find him living in your attic.

It is not your job to provide toilet facilities or snacks for delivery drivers.

Londongent · 14/07/2021 14:12

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Absolutely this. A type 1 diabetic would definitely say so. And, it would be highly irresponsible for a type 1 diabetic to be a delivery driver, lugging heavy packages out of a van all day and have nothing to treat a hypo with. Not impossible but highly unlikely

You can't say they definitely would, unless you personally are all people with T1D, for reasons I've mentioned in other posts (and probably others too). I agree that they should ensure keeping a supply of glucose tablets/sweets in the van, but accidents can happen. Plus, they may not yet have been diagnosed with diabetes and only know that they suddenly feel weak.

I'm not saying that these are the most likely scenarios at all, but they aren't impossible. Even if something extremely unlikely only ever happens to one person, that one person is still an actual person living in society and not just a statistic that you can round down to zero as insignificant.

Of course I am not all T1D. I am saying that it is highly unlikely that this person was having a hypo. You also have multiple diabetics here stating that they would explain their need for something to treat a hypo. I agree that it is not impossible, I am saying that it is improbable.
Branleuse · 14/07/2021 14:13

did he randomly ask for biscuits or were you eating some and he asked if he could have one

HappySwordMaker · 14/07/2021 14:15

This sounds like the beginning of one of my true crime podcasts.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 14/07/2021 14:16

I would have said yes to both requests to one of the delivery drivers who come to my house. But, they are all regulars, I have a big dog who would defend me if necessary and cctv

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/07/2021 14:17

I think using the example of the harassment of Blue Badge holders and - far more so - a survivor of childhood abuse - to illustrate why someone with diabetes might not announce why they needed biscuits is not appropriate.

On two occasions in the last few years, I've had to ask for something with sugar in due to not having my usual emergency supply with me. I was clearly ill both times.

I would have zero issue explaining that I needed sugar, fast, and no - biscuits wouldn't be ideal, but would be far better than nothing. There's no way I would ask without offering an explanation, and I would NEVER compare my situation with the ones above.

I am in no way putting them on an equal level - my point was just that your own personal medical circumstances are your own private details to share or not to share, as you see fit.

Many people with medical conditions do experience hatred/discrimination/abuse/patronising and thus prefer not to disclose it unless absolutely necessary.

Even with something like pregnancy, which is obviously not an illness at all, plenty of women in the early stages prefer not to tell other people for any number of reasons. It's their body, not a public right of knowledge. Some people are happy to tell others; some people prefer not to - both are valid individual choices.

If he was experiencing a hypo, it probably would have been obvious. My money's on him checking out your boundaries and I agree with your DH.

You're very probably right about that - I just don't think it's the one and only possibility and that we can rule out all of the rest.

Londongent · 14/07/2021 14:17

Someone who is type 1 diabetic and not yet diagnosed is not going to be having a hypo

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/07/2021 14:19

You also have multiple diabetics here stating that they would explain their need for something to treat a hypo.

I am one too and I am saying that I keep it private unless absolutely necessary, for all of the reasons that I've already stated. People with diabetes are, foremost, individuals - we don't all think and act exactly the same.

DeeCeeCherry · 14/07/2021 14:22

Bumpsadaisie
Even if his intentions are totally innocent what is worrying is his lack of ability to think about how these two requests one after another might make a woman at home alone feel

Quite.

It's pretty concerning how easily some women dismiss this in favour of MAN FIRST -oooh he might have T1 diabetes, delivery drivers have to be able to use customer loos or can't do their job, it's fine to let him in, in fact you should.

Fuck off with all that, Womens' feelings and safety 1st. Wonder if he asks men if he can use the loo, or asks them for biscuits?

But whether he does or doesn't, it's still not on to see a woman at home alone and do anything other than deliver package and go away, get back to work. After all he could also be compromising himself workwise, couldn't he?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/07/2021 14:25

Someone who is type 1 diabetic and not yet diagnosed is not going to be having a hypo

Actually, very good point - it's almost certainly going to be the other way; but when it's all new and scary to you (even when it isn't, although you'd then be able to test, of course), the two extremes can sometimes give weirdly similar sensations.

WheresMySnackPack · 14/07/2021 14:27

I get needing the toilet but he sounds a creep. Don't let him in your home again and chose to have your parcels delivered to a safe place. What a weirdo!

WheresMySnackPack · 14/07/2021 14:27

Choose*

gamerchick · 14/07/2021 14:28

@wedswench

I can't think of many reasons to deny someone a toilet when needed. The biscuits is very weird though!

There's a great Ken loach film on Netflix st the moment about a delivery driver. Suggest you watch it with your DH and see if he's still feeling so uncharitable

Sorry we missed you?

That's about how DPD treat their drivers (totally correct as well) Nothing about using the bog.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/07/2021 14:29

I really don't want to hijack this and make it about diabetes, as it's most likely that he was either up to no good or otherwise just a bit forward in asking for a favour.

I'm just making the point that a very small percentage/likelihood of personal conditions/circumstances don't equal zero.

gamerchick · 14/07/2021 14:29

Ah I get what you mean. As you were Grin

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/07/2021 14:32

Without knowing how suddenly desperate he might have been, I do agree that he would have been much better and more considerate asking a male householder if he could use the toilet - although he might have had a run of only women answering the door - and/or rude people who took their parcels off him and then slammed the door.

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