My DH never buys me food….

[Lifeisaminestrone]

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

Anyway, I have asked him to buy me some food both sandwich fillers and snacks while wfh, and he never does. He’ll buy me a few drinks I like (alcohol and non-alcoholic) but that’s it. Anyway it’s getting me rather down.

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

Take over the Saturday shopping for a few months, and do exactly what he does, 'forget' t buy for him. I'd also not add his clothes when doing laundry and miss out anything of his when doing household chores.

I cannot imagine the relationship in reality as my DH is my family and I his and we both do whatever we do including the other, my DH will actively buy things he knows I will like for me and vice versa. And DH will do my laundry if he is doing it, I cannot imagine him leaving my stuff and just sorting him and the DC out.

Is your relationship generally loving and affectionate otherwise?

For whatever reason never discovered, my DF never called my DM by her first name and it drove her wild. It was like it was a big hang up or weakness or fault in his wiring or a stupid promise made to himself. Maybe this is the equivalent in your DH?

maybe he likes the shopping but as you have split budgets he doesn't want to spend 'his' money on 'your' stuff? But he must buy stuff generally for the family eg for dinners etc?

odd.

Although you have split finances it is worth considering a pooled budget for household stuff which could help avoid this (or at least remove a mental barrier for him if he is being petty about a pot of tuna mayo). Probably works out a lot cheaper for him. Figure out how much you need and put half each (or proportionate to earnings, whatever) and use that for shopping.

I pay mine to my wife and she uses her card when doing the online delivery. But you can easily set up a separate additional account for one of you and pay it into there so you have a special 'food shop' debit card - but play that by ear depending how petty he gets

This is so weird, you both live in the same house but not buying food for the house but specifically for yourselves. This is how house mates work not a family living in their own home. What happens at dinner times ect ? Do you cook for the family of just yourself ? Both myself and my partner have separate incomes ( we have a joint direct debit account for bills). We go shopping every two weeks and take it in turns who pays - That what works for us. We have a shopping list and go through what is needed before we go. It includes treats that we both like, me my Hagan Dazz Ice cream and wine, him his pringles and galaxy chocolate , there is no i am not paying for that as i don't eat it. With regards to ironing he is being petty i think, i do the ironing and washing in my house, but that's because i am at home more not that himself cant do it, but then he looks after the garden, has spent the weekend cutting the grass( we have nearly one acre) strimming etc, i do not do anything outside at all. But that's how we work, we are a team, we do things in the house that needs to be done to maintain it. You need to have a proper sit down with your partner and discuss this properly, you need to work together none of this pettiness, if not then i dont see this relationship lasting

Oh come of Barbara stop being so petty.
I was only posting a lighthearted post. I like more than 100 snacks and bits in the supermarket. But Dh could buy any 3 of my 50 faves and he'd win.

But on this thread, OP had specifically asked for certain items. And her husband hadn't bought her anything, at all, 3 times or more.

Theres a lot of internalised misogyny on this thread. Why should she buy her own snacks when her husband is going to the supermarket? If he wants extra money for them, he should ask and not be passive aggressive about it by claiming to «forget»

Not doing her ironing when he is doing his and their child’s is also selfish and weird.

Who decided on the separate finances OP? It isn’t helping matters to have things this way as it allows him to behave as though you aren’t a team.

@Mum5net

For whatever reason never discovered, my DF never called my DM by her first name and it drove her wild. It was like it was a big hang up or weakness or fault in his wiring or a stupid promise made to himself. Maybe this is the equivalent in your DH?

Not THAT is strange. What did he call her?

@Gensola

Theres a lot of internalised misogyny on this thread. Why should she buy her own snacks when her husband is going to the supermarket? If he wants extra money for them, he should ask and not be passive aggressive about it by claiming to «forget»

Not doing her ironing when he is doing his and their child’s is also selfish and weird.

Who decided on the separate finances OP? It isn’t helping matters to have things this way as it allows him to behave as though you aren’t a team.

It's not misogynistic to think a woman should be able to buy her own food if her partner can't or won't do it.

@Bryonyshcmyony she is able to but why should she have to? He obviously can do it, but won’t - why should she accept that?

It's a strange act of micro aggression

My neighbours constantly refered to each other by first names, I mean constantly. That was odd.

It's not misogynistic to think a woman should be able to buy her own food if her partner can't or won't do it.
But WHY 'can't or won't' he do it? When he is in the shop anyway, and CAN buy his own food?

@IntermittentParps

It's not misogynistic to think a woman should be able to buy her own food if her partner can't or won't do it. But WHY 'can't or won't' he do it? When he is in the shop anyway, and CAN buy his own food?

Who knows? Maybe we will never know. In the meantime, buy your own snacks!

If it's control as so many are suggesting then the way you take back control is by showing them you don't have to rely on them

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

We have a communal list. We both put on things and we'd like and then one of us does the shopping.

This! We have a list that lives on the kitchen table, people add to it what they fancy and it gets bought when the supermarket shop gets done! End of! "I forgot" is a shit response and indicates he does not think what you want is important IMVHO

It doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me. We have a shopping list on the fridge which anyone in the house can add to (within reason of course) and I'll take it with me every time I go shopping and get what's on it.

It's fine if he wants to live like housemates, but you need to follow suit and stop doing anything for him, too.

@Bryonyshcmyony and what sort of marriage is that? Where you can’t rely on your partner?! Utter nonsense - no one should have to put up with this sort of behaviour.
It is misogyny to expect women to put themselves last and not get any help from their partners, to pick up all the slack while excusing the nasty/thoughtless/selfish behaviour of men.

You're effectively swapping jobs for efficiency - he does your shopping and ironing along with his own, while you do his cooking along with your own.

He's not doing you a favour by picking up your bits in his shop, it's an exchange of services. If he can't be bothered to do your ironing etc, why should you carry on doing his cooking etc? He might need this pointed out.

[quote Gensola]@Bryonyshcmyony and what sort of marriage is that? Where you can’t rely on your partner?! Utter nonsense - no one should have to put up with this sort of behaviour.
It is misogyny to expect women to put themselves last and not get any help from their partners, to pick up all the slack while excusing the nasty/thoughtless/selfish behaviour of men.[/quote]
Absolutely no sort of marriage in my eyes but that's up to the OP to decide.

It's not "putting yourself last" and "picking up the slack" to go to a shop and buy yourself the specific snacks that you like.

It's not "putting yourself last" and "picking up the slack" to go to a shop and buy yourself the specific snacks that you like.

It most certainly IS, when the person who did the grocery shop purposely chose not to buy their own snacks/food but NOT to buy the items you requested. Especially when that person is supposed to love you, care about you and be your life partner! Accepting that treatment by then going and getting your own snacks is very much putting yourself last and picking up the slack - it's accepting awful treatment from a partner, which no one should do.

@LalalalalalaLand123

It's not "putting yourself last" and "picking up the slack" to go to a shop and buy yourself the specific snacks that you like.

It most certainly IS, when the person who did the grocery shop purposely chose not to buy their own snacks/food but NOT to buy the items you requested. Especially when that person is supposed to love you, care about you and be your life partner! Accepting that treatment by then going and getting your own snacks is very much putting yourself last and picking up the slack - it's accepting awful treatment from a partner, which no one should do.

No, it's looking after yourself, and if the partner really IS controlling then it's a big fuck you to them rather than sitting on your bum crying because he didn't get your snacks.

Who knows? Maybe we will never know. In the meantime, buy your own snacks!
This is the OP's husband, not some stranger, or housemate passing in the night.
Surely the response to this behaviour is 'why do you do this/do you know it comes across as uncaring?' and there's a discussion about it and hopefully a good resolution?

It's not "putting yourself last" and "picking up the slack" to go to a shop and buy yourself the specific snacks that you like.
It is when he's going to the supermarket anyway How is it not?

But op isstill ignoring the question about the ironing-why wont he do yours but you do all his washing

My dh doesn't do my ironing. Why would he? We both do the laundry. If he repeatedly didn't get stuff I wanted from the supermarket I'd ask why. Not sure if that's occurred to the OP.