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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DH never buys me food….

312 replies

Lifeisaminestrone · 13/07/2021 21:49

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

Anyway, I have asked him to buy me some food both sandwich fillers and snacks while wfh, and he never does. He’ll buy me a few drinks I like (alcohol and non-alcoholic) but that’s it. Anyway it’s getting me rather down.

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

OP posts:

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 15/07/2021 19:25

Wouldn't make a mountain of this OP. You said he didn't even know -- this is men all over; and all sounds innocent enough. They see what they think is the big picture:-) I get that it's irritating though. I'd offer solutions like lists (I see he was up for this) or order it in yourself. You are both comfortable with cash, so do two shops and have a happy relationship (ironing aside:-)

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 15/07/2021 19:44

It’s probably not vindictive, just lazy, can’t be arsed to make an effort for you. So stop doing his laundry or come oking for him. Say you forgot

VinceBitMe · 15/07/2021 19:46

People are dying, children are being trafficked, your husband doesn’t buy you sandwich fillers. The 3 great tragedies of the world

Colstina · 15/07/2021 19:51

That’s just really selfish , who does that with someone they love . Have you asked him why he never gets them ? If I was u I would do an online shop with all the nice things you like and when he says I’m going shopping say no need to , I’ve got a delivery coming ….. “as you never bother to get anything I ask for “ that’s really annoyed me , so selfish for no valid reason (as you mentioned money ok) …. Best of luck

mariomushroom · 15/07/2021 19:52

@VinceBitMe

People are dying, children are being trafficked, your husband doesn’t buy you sandwich fillers. The 3 great tragedies of the world

It’s actually possible to care about ALL of those things at the same time - caring about seemingly trivial things and caring about heartbreaking events in the world aren’t mutually exclusive

Colstina · 15/07/2021 19:52

@VinceBitMe bit of a nasty response , she’s only asked a valid question ,it’s clearly not just about the food it’s the reasoning behind it ! Always one with a response like yours though.

Kezzywezzy · 15/07/2021 19:56

I wonder about the rest of your relationship. Is it possible that your husband is somewhere on the spectrum? Lack of empathy about other people’s needs? Needing to control aspects of his life ? As in OCD, which is part of being on the spectrum? One other poster thought of illness as an explanation. He may have learned how to manage most other aspects of his life. Just a thought. X

Crummyfunnymummy · 15/07/2021 20:02

I am sorry to wade in because I have not RTFT and I know that is a major crime but I was compelled to say something (apologies profuse if this has already been said and your matter is now happily resolved). All the people who are saying “well just do your own washing then”. Or “buy food for yourself and not him”. Can I just say how whole heartedly I disagree with these sentiments. I speak from experience (and I do appreciate anecdotal experience is not always helpful). My xDH was lazy and did barely anything. I worked full time but for some reason housework was ‘my’ domain! And if and when he did do something I think he expected thanks and appreciation, which was difficult for me to give as I did all the cleaning, washing, shopping and got zero thanks! So I worked to rule. I bought my own food. I cleared away my own things. I cooked my dinner not his. And honestly our marriage became utterly transactional. There was no team effort. Everything by negotiation. I still did the lions share (because I can’t change half a bed or clean half a bathroom!) and I was resentful and seething all the time. And we bickered about whose turn it was to empty the bin. Whose turn it was for a lie in. I don’t even like lie ins! But it became about getting payback for all the things he wasn’t doing. And it was partly what ended our marriage. What we should have done is had some honest conversations and maybe got some therapy and worked out how we could pull together as a team. Not, as people are advising, how I should behave to even up the score. This is no way to conduct a partnership. I have a new partner and there is ebb and flow and we try to approach things as a team. And sometimes I do more housework but that’s OK because he does all the cooking. Etc. And this is honestly a much kinder and more respectful way to behave. I would start with having some honest conversations about pulling together not as single identities with single agendas but as a team effort and see if you can make him understand how upsetting his behaviour is. Otherwise I fear you could head down a path no one would benefit from.

LimeRedBanana · 15/07/2021 20:02

It’s always only a matter of time until someone suggests deficient / thoughtless behaviour might be due to autism. Borderline offensive, really. If I had an autistic child or was autistic myself, I would find this really hard to see time and time again.

In any case - RTFT. It’s been resolved.

Pigeonpocket · 15/07/2021 20:05

I cannot imagine insisting on doing a household chore myself, and then only doing the part of it that benefits me. It's selfish, controlling, or both.

People saying the op can get her own food are bonkers. You'd be happy if your dh insisted on cooking the tea and then only made some for himself, and said "well you're perfectly capable of making your own". It's true, but it's not kind, and it makes for a shit marriage.

Crummyfunnymummy · 15/07/2021 20:05

And take no notice of VinceBitMe as they are clearly an idiot! What he is doing is upsetting but fighting back in kind is not going to be the answer.

Crummyfunnymummy · 15/07/2021 20:06

Pigeonpocket exactly this

billy1966 · 15/07/2021 20:12

@psuedocream3

My husband is like this, insists on doing the shop for whatever reason, but I'm a stay at home mum, not by choice, so have no money of my own to buy whatever I like and he doesn't view it as our money. I don't drive and live rural so can't just pop to a shop if I need/want something. He doesn't think twice about buying his daughter a magazine or a box of ice cream cones that she eats to herself. I don't even get a bar of chocolate, let alone things like shampoo and conditioner. He does buy a bottle of wine each week but will only pour me a quarter of a glass and not offer more if it's up to him.

To be quite frank I'm fed up of it, I still cook dinner for his daughter but besides that I just look after me and my kids and pay for what we need as he wont pay for any of it, nothing changes. I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'm very close to filing for divorce, obviously there's years of examples for me here not just a few things not bought from a shop occasionally but don't underestimate the volumes someones actions speaks, if they wanted to do something nice or caring, they would.

He sounds like a very controlling nasty man.

You should talk to womens aid, as you sound both isolated and vulnerable.

sheridanstar · 15/07/2021 20:42

@GiantWingedWaspMoth

You need to start limiting what you do for him to match imo.

Yeah nothing does a marriage more good than passive agressive behaviour! lmoa

TheJade · 15/07/2021 20:43

We have the same split with the ironing and in glad as I don’t want to iron his shirts 😂

Bit tight tho that he won’t buy you shopping things. He is out of order for that. Do you buy things that he wants? If so I’d stop that right away. He can duck off and buy his own 😅

user1490954378 · 15/07/2021 20:58

@Billy1996 honestly, he sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. That's how it comes across just from what you have said here. You should definitely contact Womens Aid and Refuge if needed, although Women's Aid are brilliant and can help you with arranging accommodation if needed. Please don't stay with this abusive man.

user1490954378 · 15/07/2021 21:05

To the OP, I think you should have a proper sit down heart to heart with him about this when you both have some time to yourselves. It's one thing him just saying that he forgot, but if it has been happening g over a period of time, that indicates more that he is is just bothered, or/and that he is actually deliberately forgetting. Maybe he doesn't realise how this makes you feel, but more to the point, it seems like he doesn't care. Of course men can be idiots when it comes to things like this, so a heart to heart would give him an opportunity to put his side of things out in the open too. Based on what he says, and the outcome, you can then get a better idea of what to do. I would say that if it gets you absolutely nowhere and hedoesn't change his ways, then if it were me,I'd be seriously thinking about leaving, but that's obviously your decision.

claralara42 · 15/07/2021 21:11

It's weird but I can't for the life of me think why you don't go and buy your own food?

You don't understand that married couples don't generally buy all their own food separately? [

And where are you, OP, that you are in lockdown?

SallyWD · 15/07/2021 21:15

If ever I go to the shops my DH (who's a sugar addict) asks me to buy sweets, ice cream, biscuits etc. I generally ignore these requests because I love him and don't want him eating so much sugar (he's been warned by the doctor that he needs to reduce his sugar consumption!). You don't think it's something like this do you? Are you requesting unhealthy snacks and he doesn't want you to have them? I'm probably wrong but it's the only reason I could possibly think of!

Blackcat333 · 15/07/2021 21:20

Talk about first world problems. You sound spolit, just go to the supermarket together like most people do and throw stuff in the trolley that you like. I don't really understand why you buy separate good anyway. Or get online and oder a shop too. If you are loaded, let him enjoy the trolley pushing whilst you shop online. All marriages are different and doing it separately would clearly work for you.

claralara42 · 15/07/2021 21:30

Talk about first world problems. You sound spolit, just go to the supermarket together like most people do and throw stuff in the trolley that you like

Are you actually high? It's not spoiled to expect your husband who is doing the food shopping to but food for both of you, ffs.

SnarkyWitch · 15/07/2021 22:09

You might want to turn that legal career towards divorce

Kellymumto2 · 15/07/2021 22:16

Are there other things that he does or just this?! This is one sign of a covert narcissist, however, this alone doesn’t make him one. Does he actually add your requests to a list? He can’t say he forgets of theyre written down!

Tigger1895 · 15/07/2021 22:37

This is a conversation to be had with him. We can call it odd but unless you talk to him about it nothing will change. Plus go shopping with him next time and point out what you would like added to the basket

LimeRedBanana · 15/07/2021 22:39

She’s talked. It’s resolved.

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