My DH never buys me food….

[Lifeisaminestrone]

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

Anyway, I have asked him to buy me some food both sandwich fillers and snacks while wfh, and he never does. He’ll buy me a few drinks I like (alcohol and non-alcoholic) but that’s it. Anyway it’s getting me rather down.

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

@Lifeisaminestrone

Well I could buy my own food but if someone is going to the supermarket wouldn’t they buy for their spouse too?

His response is usually I forgot or I was in a rush!

Yes, they would.

Any decent person who be happy to buy their partner the food they want when they do the food shop. Even more so if they have actually asked for it.

You're being weirdly breezy about this, OP. If we're all at home (me, DP and lodger) and one of us is going to the shops we'll ask if anyone wants anything. It's basic courtesy and being nice to those you love and live with.
The ironing thing is weird too. What does he say about why he does that?

Those suggesting that maybe he thinks the OP is 'lazy' or wants to spend money on unhealthy things –give your heads a wobble. She's an adult. I pick up 'lazy' or 'unhealthy' things like pre-cut fruit and sugary white chocolate for my household if they ask. I wouldn't buy those things for myself, but why the fuck would I judge?

My DH knows a fed wife is a happy wife... if he doesnt get me food when hes out getting food then hes going to have a miserable day lol.

Stop doing things for him that he wouldnt do for you.

@daisychain01

He's intentionally not buying food and ingredients you've asked him for - this isn't the odd occasion, once in a while, he's just refusing to help you out.

He's either tight as a ducks arse or he enjoys bating you, by taking the list of items then forgetting them each time and blaming it on his bad memory or lack of time.

Whatever, this is not healthy behaviour in a loving relationship- shopping should be either something one person does, but takes on board the needs of the other, or a shared chore that you take in turns.

The fact he doesn't do your ironing says he's a tight arse - which extends beyond shopping and into everyday things that help you out.

What does he bring to your relationship?

This.

Both examples are NOT accidental.
Very deliberate behaviour.

Very passive aggressive too.

You need to tell him and not accept bullshit excuses.

Because I wouldn't want to live with a person who clearly feels so badly and unkindly towards me.

He also sounds mean.

@bobbots we use trello which is an app that just lets you manage lists - there's almost certainly a shopping list app that would do the job better!

Trello is quite good because you can have shared boards full of lists - so eg I keep a list for holiday packing, present ideas when I see something DC would like, Christmas card lists etc. We started it when planning our wedding and the habit has stuck!

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Are you in the UK?

I assume not because no one has been in lockdown to the extent they can't go out.

He sounds horrible and I would not be able to put up with this. It's just so mean and not what I would expect of someone who shares my life. I do DH's laundry and cook, he shops, irons and does other stuff for me. Surely that is the point of being married. We have a common shopping list and we keep adding stuff to it.

Lockdown is irrelevant and different people use that term to refer to different rules and situations.

It doesn't matter if the OP is one of the weirdos who made up rules like you were only allowed to go to the supermarket once a week, you had to go to your nearest one and were only allowed to buy essentials and weren't allowed to buy newspapers, easter eggs or alcohol, she says they are busy people who have better things to do than make extra trips to the supermarket.

Therefore if the DH is insisting on doing the supermarket shop in person, he should be buying everything that all the household wants and needs when he's there.

But the OP does need to provide a reasonably specific list, so he doesn't have to make buying decisions for her, because that is annoying, especially if she's the type to say 'buy chocolate' but then complains if its too cheap, too expensive, too big, too small, wrong flavour etc etc.

@HalzTangz - But why don't you go with him, then you can put what you want in the trolley

What is it with all these posters excusing the OP's h for repeatedly forgetting her items when shopping?? Why should OP have to go shopping? Her h should be capable of remembering items she has asked for!

And OP literally says in the first line of her post that she doesn't want to go! (And why would she want to waste her Saturday food shopping when you can book a delivery??)

OP, YANBU at all. That seems weird and passive aggressive. If he goes to the supermarket every Sat, he should have a pretty good idea of where things are, or you know, he could ask someone? You've mentioned it to him now. If he doesn't get your stuff this week, after he knows you're upset, you have an answer...

I'd tell him that you're upset, and why, then order your own food AND stop doing things for him.

maybe I need to be more specific with the actual items

Well yes, if you are literally asking for “sandwich filler” and “snacks” then I have more sympathy with him. I wouldn’t have a clue what you mean by “sandwich filler” and snacks is very wide ranging. Although having said that, after the first time I would have said something like “I have no idea what you mean can you be specific please”.

I didn’t think the ironing thing was that weird. DH doesn’t do my ironing and I don’t do his. If we had a child and he did his ironing and the child’s I would be pretty happy with that.

"His response is usually I forgot or I was in a rush!"

Why haven't you sat him down and talk to him about this? Why haven't you said .....look, this is a silly thing but I find it very upsetting, and ask him why he does this?

It's hurtful. It shows a lack of care, a lack of respect, a lack of thought.

IMO, he does not see your relationship as a partnership. He sees you as a separate adult who can do her own work (ironing, shopping, earning income etc.) and he sees no need to help you out with it.

He does it for your child because child - but you? Nah. You can do it yourself!

Honestly, that would piss me off. His excuse of never remembering to buy the things you ask for show that he doesn't bother to think of you, or want to help you out. Which is a bit shit, really, isn't it.

I'd put my money on this being passive aggressive. I have experience of people who also constantly 'forget' to do things you've asked.

Talk to him op, reiterate what a selfish git he is being.

Does he appreciate the things you do for him and DC? If he finds including you in his tasks then I would definitely be expecting him to appreciate you going ‘out of your way’ to accommodate his needs.

I would say in most relationships, especially long term living partners/marriage that doing each others shopping and ironing is not something that people would even consider not doing. It would be automatic and done gladly.

How does your Dh not know what you like?

It only take one second of awareness and care to know that .....

I like the Sainsbury's humous, specifically only the caramelised onion one, and some carrots. And a 6 pack of bacon wheat crunchies.

And Dh likes quiche, onion bhajis and tangerines.

What's the real problem here?

How does your Dh not know what you like It only take one second of awareness and care to know that

Only if you have very limited and specific tastes. There are thousands of items in the supermarket. Many people like absolutely loads of them and are not going to always want caramelised onion hummus, carrots and bacon wheat crunchies or quiche, onion bhajis and tangerines. More often than not, they might want to give something else a try.

Given your update on separate finances, this is plainly deliberate.

He thinks you should buy your treats with your money and stop trying to cadge off him. He probably thinks you're being really cheeky and entitled, asking him to pay for your stuff.

He could just say so, say 'hang on, don't we have our own finances and pay for things separately? So give me the money then.'

But he'd rather punish you for your greed, by leading you to think he'll buy things for you, then not doing it.

This is most definitely deliberate.
I’d be furious and it would cause a row. What a horrible way he is behaving

If my DP did this even once I'd be furious and tell him it wasn't on. It's horrible selfish behaviour and the posters on here doing mental gymnastics trying to justify why it might be down to OP's weight or the fact that snacks aren't nutritious- get a grip.

Yes, separate finances, but we have similar outgoings and monies left over each month and all savings are shared jointly. I’m not asking for ££££ of shopping so I do expect him to buy this. I’d find giving a contribution slightly petty to someone I have been with for 15 years (pre-married).

Possibly this is the issue. If your finances are separate yet he pays for all the shopping, maybe he feels that if you want your own things you should either contribute towards the cost or organise getting them yourself.
Snacks and sandwich fillings can add up depending on what you want and as well as that, you used to buy these yourself until lockdown so maybe he is wondering all of a sudden why he has to pay for stuff that you always bought yourself during your day?

It's not a system that I'm familiar with - ever since we've lived together OH and I have pooled our money fully. The only times that I've seen couples do separate finances it's ended up getting very petty.

Maybe it's worth sitting down with the finances again, working out the even split on all the bills and both of you throwing enough into the account to cover family outgoings including a big grocery shop that includes everything you both want.

Do you have any Amazon Alexa gadgets in the house? Our family use it very effectively for the weekly shopping list - anyone can say "Alexa, add tuna to shopping list". Whoever is next in the supermarket, they can bring up the Alexa app, select the shopping list and tick off items as they go. No excuses for "I forgot".

He seems like a very strange husband, and it seems like a very strange marriage TBH. He doesn't seem to consider you, and it doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

@Iwonder08 I’m sure he can manage a “little small women’s shirt” considering he does their child’s ironing-to make these kind of excuses for men not being able to be a partner in a relationship is 1950’s thinking.

OP-Have you told him what you have said on here - i.e. that this actually matters to you and it is upsetting you that he doesn't buy you what you ask for? It’s not like you’re doing nothing whilst he shops-you’re taking your DC to their club. It’s out of order that he behaves like this-it’s not as simple as do it yourself-fetch your own shopping/do your own ironing. You do stuff for him; he should do stuff for you. You’re married and in a partnership-time he behaved like it.

Forgetting once or twice is understandable but every time? To forget or be in too much of a rush to fulfill a request from your wife on a weekly basis when you have enough time not to forget your own stuff? And if he goes weekly then he knows the layout of the supermarket FFS. He’s choosing to not consider you. I would tell him that I find it very hurtful and it makes me feel like he does not care for me.

And why would he not do your ironing, when you do his washing? It’s bizarre that he picks through the ironing and just gets his own stuff and stuff for DC out. You’re a team and have been for a long time. Jobs are shared-not “you do me and I’ll do me as well”!

If after knowing that you are finding it all upsetting and hurtful and having it spelled out for him, he still doesn't change and start getting what you want and doing your itoning, I would actually consider whether this relationship is meeting your needs. I would be why do you continue like this when I’ve explicitly told how hurtful I find it?

Yeah it's a small thing, but small things do add up and they do matter in long term relationships like this.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Oh god! Separate finances!

He clearly doesn't want to spend his money on treats for you. Would he "remember" if you transferred him 30 quid? Whether that's mean or not it is clearly the reason.

Who pays for the food shop?