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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH never buys me food….

312 replies

Lifeisaminestrone · 13/07/2021 21:49

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

Anyway, I have asked him to buy me some food both sandwich fillers and snacks while wfh, and he never does. He’ll buy me a few drinks I like (alcohol and non-alcoholic) but that’s it. Anyway it’s getting me rather down.

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

OP posts:
InTheNightWeWillWish · 13/07/2021 21:59

The weekly household food shop should include food you both want, assuming one of you isn’t deathly allergic to it anyway.

DH does our food shopping, he doesn’t like eggs, he earns double what I do (if that matters) but he’ll still buy me eggs if I ask. Plus whatever else I ask for. He does occasionally forget things if they aren’t on a list but he’ll forget his things and joint things, not just my things. I’d be really pissed off if he intentionally didn’t include stuff I’d asked for.

Original poster
Lifeisaminestrone · 13/07/2021 22:00

Sorry good point. We don’t share money! No joint account!

I have my finances, he has his but living costs are fairly equal between us.

OP posts:
Youdiditanyway · 13/07/2021 22:01

Do you not write a shopping list together or does he just wing it every week and decide on behalf of you both? I’d honestly just start ordering your own stuff for the week online and let him do his own food shop.

Bryonyshcmyony · 13/07/2021 22:01

Does he think snacks and sandwich fillers are a waste of money?

LawnFever · 13/07/2021 22:01

@Bryonyshcmyony

It's weird but I can't for the life of me think why you don't go and buy your own food?
Why should she need to if he’s doing a supermarket shop and has been specifically given a list to buy?
Dacquoise · 13/07/2021 22:02

From your updates starting to seem passive aggressive behaviour. My ex husband was like that. Not good and eventually wears you down. Can you call him out on it?

Authenticcelestialmusic · 13/07/2021 22:02

So is he normally generous when it comes to money/costs/bills etc?

Bryonyshcmyony · 13/07/2021 22:03

Because he's a dick and not getting any of the things she asked for? I'd be buying my own stuff and then talking him through it then reminding him several times a day

Longdistance · 13/07/2021 22:03

I don’t do my dh washing or ironing. The few times he has he’s made a white bra go grey, trapped my bra in the washing machine door and bust the washing machine.
If I do a weekly shop I will ask dh what he’d like to add onto the list and I’ll get it. Not sure why your dh doesn’t? Maybe text him a list? If I don’t have list on my phone in my notes app, things get forgotten.

felulageller · 13/07/2021 22:06

Have you read wife work?
Does he have more disposable income than you?
Who owns the house?

HalzTangz · 13/07/2021 22:06

@Lifeisaminestrone

Well I could buy my own food but if someone is going to the supermarket wouldn’t they buy for their spouse too?

His response is usually I forgot or I was in a rush!

But why don't you go with him, then you can put what you want in the trolley
omgthepain · 13/07/2021 22:08

You have 2 choices here

Stay married to this total fruit loop and not have any snacks or sandwich fillers

Or get online and do a big online order and have tonnes of things you like delivered

I'd be more concerned about his behaviour rather than the food issues he's showing you no respect and you need to address that

Summerfun54321 · 13/07/2021 22:08

Write down all chores, who does what and who pays for what. Agree it all in advance. You’ll work out during that process whether he’s just forgetful or spiteful.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 13/07/2021 22:08

What do you mean in lockdown? Are you saying you don’t go to the shop, but order everything online? Confused

Perhaps he’s trying to tempt you out of the house and back into the normal world.

LtDansleg · 13/07/2021 22:10

@Bryonyshcmyony

It's weird but I can't for the life of me think why you don't go and buy your own food?
Because that’s not fucking normal?? They’ve been married for 10 years and have a child. Whoever goes out and does the weekly shop gets all the food needed for the entire household that week. When I do a shop, at the top of my list is the food my oh will need for his 4am starts and whatever he’ll need during work.
Bryonyshcmyony · 13/07/2021 22:10

I'd be more concerned that you have got yourself in a situation where if your dh doesn't buy something then you can't have it.

If he doesn't do it properly then you go with him. You aren't a prisoner.

BackforGood · 13/07/2021 22:10

It's weird but I can't for the life of me think why you don't go and buy your own food?

Don't be daft, why on earth would anyone do that ? Confused

If one adult is taking the list and doing the family supermarket shop it is incredibly odd to continually not buy things that are on the list.
If I do the shop, I buy things I don't like that dh does. If dh does the shop he buys things he won't eat or use. If my ds's partner does the shop, she buys whatever is on the list even though she has a limited diet herself.

You dh's behaviour is just bizarre OP.
As a pp said, I think you need to specifically ask him when he gets back - "Where are the sandwich fillers?" If he says he forgot, then ask him how it is that he forgets the same item every week, and yet manages to get everything else on the list. It really is odd.

billyt · 13/07/2021 22:11

@Lifeisaminestrone

Well I could buy my own food but if someone is going to the supermarket wouldn’t they buy for their spouse too?

His response is usually I forgot or I was in a rush!

So he's not only a selfish bastard, he's a liar too

Jeez, what a low life.

BeneficiaryMadness · 13/07/2021 22:11

Give him a list?

Crunchyorsmooth · 13/07/2021 22:11

That sounds passive aggressive. Is it always your requests that he ‘forgets’ or was ‘in a rush’ and didn’t remember, or is it family stuff like loo roll and milk? And the ironing isn’t nice too. Not very kind.

Original poster
Lifeisaminestrone · 13/07/2021 22:12

I don’t go shopping with him as see it as an inefficient use of time for two busy people! I also would always order online. Plus he hates me going with him - I slow him down with my browsing Hmm

Anyway, Sat morning I am ferrying child to clubs.

Interesting, comments I think I will order my food going forward for a few weeks but is completely barking!

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 13/07/2021 22:13

@Lifeisaminestrone

Mmm, it is bizarre. I moaned at him tonight and made him go to the local store as was hungry!

I was going to put a stop to his shopping each Saturday and say I’m going to do it online now as obviously not working!

He’s an intelligent person but not very ‘with it’ most of the time. I can’t work out if it is that, or if it is more deliberate. I’m hoping the former.

Is he fed up of going out and doing all the shopping? Why didn't you pop to the shop?
Potpourri23 · 13/07/2021 22:14

Op says in the first post that he volunteers to go!

rjacksmiss · 13/07/2021 22:14

We do separate food shops. Both very different diets and work different shifts. He will bring me anything I ask him to though, and vice versa. We usually take turns of the washing powder, coffee etc. Works for us. Separate finances too.

Dddccc · 13/07/2021 22:14

Ah found your issue give him the money for your shit that you want as extra as you would have used your money to by daily anyway, he basically does not want to buy your junk food

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