Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Original poster

My DH never buys me food….

312 replies

Lifeisaminestrone · 13/07/2021 21:49

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

Anyway, I have asked him to buy me some food both sandwich fillers and snacks while wfh, and he never does. He’ll buy me a few drinks I like (alcohol and non-alcoholic) but that’s it. Anyway it’s getting me rather down.

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

OP posts:

Maggiesfarm · 14/07/2021 18:34

Excellent update, Lifeisaminestrone!

longtompot · 14/07/2021 18:39

Lovely update @Lifeisaminestrone Long may it continue

me4real · 14/07/2021 18:56

Sounds promising @Lifeisaminestrone , let us know how it goes. And don't let the laundry issue slide either.

Life being a minestrone would be pretty depressiong BTW. But I only ever had it as a child- Sainsbury's own brand packet soup.

HaveringWavering · 14/07/2021 19:01

Good update @Lifeisaminestrone but I’m pretty surprised to hear you say that your husband is a successful lawyer but is also a “technophobe” to the extent that he does not have a smart phone. Is he close to retirement age, with some long-suffering secretary who does everything for him? If not, he really will reach a career ceiling if he’s not willing to embrace legal technology, or at very least be able to access emails on his phone. It’s simply not tolerated these days.

Original poster

Lifeisaminestrone · 14/07/2021 19:02

@me4real - play it on Spotify. 10CC
@TeardropsFallingOnHotSand - an excellent plan!!

Btw minestrone was not on my shopping list!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifeisaminestrone · 14/07/2021 19:40

@HaveringWavering is it really relevant as to being a technophobe?! I can assure you it is tolerated - what a comment!

But yes indeed he is - please don’t worry re his career!? He is an in demand specialist (yes he has a large youthful team of support) and on a fairly short glide path for an enjoyable early retirement. He can spend his days supermarket shopping

@me4real on a serious note I will keep a note on laundry and I will pick him up on it.

Interestingly he has asked me to find some support in the garden (which I thought he was enjoying in lockdown) but is currently finding it stressful since our last gardener left.

No doubt some OPs will say he can find a gardener but I think it’s fair for me to, as I don’t have time to garden and I’m better at communicating with tradesmen (think you can see why)!

OP posts:

HaveringWavering · 14/07/2021 19:52

[quote Lifeisaminestrone]@HaveringWavering is it really relevant as to being a technophobe?! I can assure you it is tolerated - what a comment!

@me4real on a serious note I will keep a note on laundry and I will pick him up on it.

Interestingly he has asked me to find some support in the garden (which I thought he was enjoying in lockdown) but is currently finding it stressful since our last gardener left.

No doubt some OPs will say he can find a gardener but I think it’s fair for me to, as I don’t have time to garden and I’m better at communicating with tradesmen (think you can see why)![/quote]
Oh I’m sure he thinks nobody at work cares about his tedious technophobia- but he doesn’t really have a great track record of understanding when his behaviour is pissing people off, does he?

billy1966 · 14/07/2021 19:56

Great update OP.

"We teach people how to treat us" is one of life's greatest lessons if we are open to realising it.

Bryonyshcmyony · 14/07/2021 21:19

This is such a bizarre thread.

Posters queuing up to put the boot into the Ops dh even though he's now said he just needed a list. Must be a whole lot of projection going on.

CarnationCat · 14/07/2021 21:32

@Bryonyshcmyony

This is such a bizarre thread.

Posters queuing up to put the boot into the Ops dh even though he's now said he just needed a list. Must be a whole lot of projection going on.

It's not projection to think that the OP's husband not buying food for her and not doing her ironing whilst doing his own isn't nice.

I'm glad you're sorting things OP. I think you've definitely handled this in the right way by telling your DH how upset his actions are making you. Whether the not buying you food was purposeful or not, hopefully this will be a kick up the backside to make sure he thinks of you more.

NoMoreBananas · 15/07/2021 17:30

LTB

ChelleMum85 · 15/07/2021 17:45

@Lifeisaminestrone

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

Sit him down and tell him you will order your own food online from now on, along with your child's, and he can buy for himself. Tell him you will do your own washing and he can do his and your child's (Considering you're feeding your child), advise him you will wash your own dishes and he will need to wash his, you can share the child's. Advise him you will buy your own ironing board and iron.

....then sit there and watch his reaction. If he responds in a negative manner, politely tell him that this is how he is making his wife of 10yrs feel. Tell him how much he has hurt you. If his reaction is still negative - Tell him you think a separation is needed and if at the end of it he still treats you the same way...then you want a permanent separation or divorce.

Flossatops · 15/07/2021 18:13

At first I wondered if he didn't buy the food you request because he thought it would be unhealthy, but that was before I read that he doesn't iron for you either. It is a bit strange - are you the organiser of the 2 of you? Does he think that you prefer to do things for yourself rather than have help? I can be a bit of a martyr and refuse help, but must admit my husband would still get any shopping I asked for, plus a few surprises. Saying that, I wouldn't expect my husband to do my ironing, unless I was
in a hurry. We're all different but I think we're all individually responsible for relationship habits, good and bad.

Andpppy · 15/07/2021 18:13

One of us books and tells the other and then we both add to it on a shared account. And they we audit it as we end up ordering milk twice and no bread otherwise

psuedocream3 · 15/07/2021 18:14

My husband is like this, insists on doing the shop for whatever reason, but I'm a stay at home mum, not by choice, so have no money of my own to buy whatever I like and he doesn't view it as our money. I don't drive and live rural so can't just pop to a shop if I need/want something. He doesn't think twice about buying his daughter a magazine or a box of ice cream cones that she eats to herself. I don't even get a bar of chocolate, let alone things like shampoo and conditioner. He does buy a bottle of wine each week but will only pour me a quarter of a glass and not offer more if it's up to him.

To be quite frank I'm fed up of it, I still cook dinner for his daughter but besides that I just look after me and my kids and pay for what we need as he wont pay for any of it, nothing changes. I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'm very close to filing for divorce, obviously there's years of examples for me here not just a few things not bought from a shop occasionally but don't underestimate the volumes someones actions speaks, if they wanted to do something nice or caring, they would.

CherryRipe1 · 15/07/2021 18:14

He could be thoughtless or controlling. I had a b/f who was anal about food, portions etc so I picked holes back at his diet & body flaws. Maybe controlling your weight as some men are bloody size Nazis?

Idontknowanymore1 · 15/07/2021 18:26

I’d defiantly do the weekly shop online and have it delivered Friday and say something along the lines of.. “I needed some bits and you always seem to forget so thought I’d do it and as I need a minimum I thought I’d do the whole shop while at it, however if you still want to pop to super market Saturday if I’ve forgotten anything or they don’t have what I ordered I’m that’s fine”..

With regards to the ironing to be honest I iron my children’s and mine and usually leave my DH only because he said I don’t iron properly lol he likes to iron his..

saraclara · 15/07/2021 18:31

I hate it when people do this, but I haven't read the full thread.

If no-one else has mentioned it, there are grocery shopping apps that can be shared. When I put a roof over a friend's head during the first lockdown we loaded one onto our phones, and whoever braved the queue outside tesco had access to what each of us needed, all on one list.

My friend had never been one for lists, thinking he could remember everything (touch of the macho here) but an app made it okay

MerryMarigold · 15/07/2021 18:53

Well, I came on thread to say, why don't you write him a list? For 2 legal professionals, you don't seem very organised!

LimeRedBanana · 15/07/2021 19:01

RTFT - the issue’s been resolved.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/07/2021 19:08

Do you eat your main evening meal together? You say you eat little and often - does that mean that you don't normally all eat the same thing in the evenings, at the same time? If so, perhaps he would prefer for you all to have a family meal time where you can all enjoy the same food, chat and catch up on the day rather than have someone "opting out" as they have "already eaten a snack earlier" or whatever. My DH does this, and I find it irritating - he tends to do it if it's something I'm cooking that's not terribly interesting or not his favourite, like a spag bol. So, when he sees me cooking it he'll try to say "don't do any for me, I'll have something later" and so me and the kids will sit down just the three of us while DH goes off and does something else. It also makes it hard to meal plan if someone's opting in and out all the time with no set pattern.

I find family meal times precious now our kids our teens - it's the once set routine we have where we can all chat together at the same time. I had to explain to DH that I wasn't happy for him to just opt out those times just because he thought the food that night was boring. It sets a terrible example to kids. It's different if he has to work late of course. But I'd find it annoying if he insisted on "opting out" too often, left me to do all the cooking of the family meals, and yet also expected me to buy all his "opt-out" snacks.

I think with chores it can be a bit different, cos some take longer than others. Ironing can be quite time-consuming and boring, whereas just sorting, loading machine, drying etc doesn't take very long. I will do all the laundry in our house, but as for the ironing - I haven't got time to stand for hours doing a week's worth of ironing for 4 people, so our agreement is that DH does his own (I will do my own, plus the kids' stuff as I do less hours than DH).

I agree that he probably needs very specific instructions for your snack because "can you get me some chicken for my sandwiches?" could mean him dithering at the aisle wondering if you want sliced chicken, fajita style pieces, or the ready-made sandwich filler in the little tub with sweetcorn etc. The dithering will take longer if you're a fairly fussy eater (I hate DH saying something to me like "Can you get me a pot noodle?" as I'll bring 2 different kinds back and he'll say "oh that's got peas in, yuck" or "Oh I've had that one before, it tastes odd".) Now I make him tell the EXACT specific thing he wants, even if it means him looking online first.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/07/2021 19:10

BTW I know the issue has been resolved, but I suppose I'm interested to find out to what extent your "little and often" eating impacts on family eating?

VerticalHorizon · 15/07/2021 19:14

You don't bring me flours anymore ;-)

Rtruth · 15/07/2021 19:16

he’s not listening
he’s saying you are fat
he’s an ass

Based on the ironing part, it’s defo 3 and could be 1 and 2 as well.

Bleachmycloths · 15/07/2021 19:23

He sounds a bit of a twat.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Swipe left for the next trending thread