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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH never buys me food….

312 replies

Lifeisaminestrone · 13/07/2021 21:49

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

Anyway, I have asked him to buy me some food both sandwich fillers and snacks while wfh, and he never does. He’ll buy me a few drinks I like (alcohol and non-alcoholic) but that’s it. Anyway it’s getting me rather down.

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

OP posts:
LadyGAgain · 13/07/2021 23:50

Place an online order for the food you want OP. Simples

whynotwhatknot · 13/07/2021 23:52

forget the shopping for a minute why does he only iron his own stuff-what else does he not do for you but does for himself

sounds a bit selfish

Regularsizedrudy · 13/07/2021 23:52

@Bryonyshcmyony

I'd be more concerned that you have got yourself in a situation where if your dh doesn't buy something then you can't have it.

If he doesn't do it properly then you go with him. You aren't a prisoner.

You sound very strange
Duskydai · 13/07/2021 23:55

Surprised pp are saying that he’s clearly a bit useless and to do it yourself. That’s not the bloody point! Sounds like he is passive aggressive and purposefully not wanting to do bits for you when you clearly do for him (as is normal in any relationship especially after 10 years!)

I would be horrified if DH went to do the food shop and just ignored my existence. It’s not that I can’t do it myself but more why would he not want to pick some bits up for me?! FWIW i do the main food shop and DH does the top ups (milk, eggs, bread and fresh fruit only) but will always without fail pick up something for me like my fave biscuits, a doughnut, even some fresh veg that’s on offer and he knows I like. And likewise I would do the same without even thinking. Very strange to not think of your partner!

LagunaBubbles · 13/07/2021 23:55

Place an online order for the food you want OP. Simples

Simples? A couple in a committed relationship sharing a child having to do their own food shopping isn't simple, it's down right bizarre.

BackforGood · 13/07/2021 23:57

I can't believe how many people are suggesting how the OP might acquire the bits and bobs she wants and are missing entirely that isn't what she is asking.
Does anybody genuinely thing this is not really odd behaviour ? Confused

One 1/2 of a couple volunteers to do the weekly shop (whilst the other 1/2 is taking their child to her activities) yet the shopper only buys what he wants and misses things THAT ARE ON THE LIST because he isn't going to eat them, but his wife wants them.

I don't understand how anyone thinks that isn't odd.

LadyGAgain · 14/07/2021 00:02

@LagunaBubbles

Place an online order for the food you want OP. Simples

Simples? A couple in a committed relationship sharing a child having to do their own food shopping isn't simple, it's down right bizarre.

Valid point. The piggy in me was just thinking about her immediate food desire. You are of course right. His control is odd.
BoredtoTiers · 14/07/2021 00:02

If DH went to the supermarket and wouldn't pick up a few things I'd asked for he wouldn't be DH. Unless you're absolutely skint AND your partner has form for freeloading, I can't fathom why it'd be a big problem to stick a handful of extra items rather than have the other person make a trip. I get splitting the monetary things if you're not married, but surely one of the benefits of a partnership (rather than a casual thing) is that you get some economy in the basics (housework, shopping, bills and and so on).

tae19 · 14/07/2021 00:07

People asking 'why not buy own food" why would you do that in a family - do 1 main shop for what everyone wants, very odd that he wouldn't just pick up the things she asked for. We do combined list and my partner usually shops, he'd never refuse to buy something I asked him to, really weird behaviour.

gigglybum · 14/07/2021 00:10

@tae19

People asking 'why not buy own food" why would you do that in a family - do 1 main shop for what everyone wants, very odd that he wouldn't just pick up the things she asked for. We do combined list and my partner usually shops, he'd never refuse to buy something I asked him to, really weird behaviour.
Same as my dh, he will go out of his way to get me what I want and more and enjoys watching me rummage through the bags of surprises he brings home.

I can't understand the ops dh mentality. It seems deliberate seeing as he does it every time.

AllAussieAdventures · 14/07/2021 00:41

That os some pretty odd behaviour.

A practical solution is a shared Google Keep List. All 4 of us have access to the list and just add to it what we want/need.

Then whoever is doing shopping gets the stuff on the list.

But your problem isn't practical, your problem appears to be that he just doesn't think you are very important.

Derbee · 14/07/2021 00:56

He sounds like a wanker. Let him carry on going to the shop, and order your own online delivery.

PerciphonePuma · 14/07/2021 01:17

I'm sure you're quite capable of buying your own food with your high income?! He orders/buys his, you order yours - problem solved

PerciphonePuma · 14/07/2021 01:19

Though it does sound like he's trying to limit your snack intake. Could he somehow believe you're overweight??? Even if you are - unacceptable!

SemperIdem · 14/07/2021 01:20

He’s being weirdly passive aggressive - in such a way I would find it intolerable.

AlwaysLatte · 14/07/2021 01:30

Does he just ignore some things on the shopping list then? That's not on.

violetbunny · 14/07/2021 01:50

Communal list is the way to go. If he still forgets, you'll know it's because he's being inconsiderate/ a tight bastard.

We use an app called AnyList. Either of us can edit it from our phones, or we can add to it using Alexa (quite handy if you're in the kitchen and using the last of the milk/bread etc). It also sorts all the items into supermarket categories (dairy, produce, meat etc) and you can use the list on your phone in store and cross off items as you go.

violetbunny · 14/07/2021 01:51

Also, set up a joint account to pay for the shopping. I bet he's just being a tight and selfish bastard.

Hawkins001 · 14/07/2021 02:15

@Lifeisaminestrone

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

Anyway, I have asked him to buy me some food both sandwich fillers and snacks while wfh, and he never does. He’ll buy me a few drinks I like (alcohol and non-alcoholic) but that’s it. Anyway it’s getting me rather down.

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

Whats your dh, shopping style, does he use lists ect ?
blueshoes · 14/07/2021 02:22

Is he generous to you in other ways?

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 14/07/2021 02:41

I’d find this infuriating, but I find the whole concept of schlepping around a supermarket doing the weekly shop so unnecessary, in this day and age. Yes, of course I pop to the s/market for the odd bits and pieces, but not for a weekly shop.

However, separate finances is also odd, in my opinion, so if you do have them, I guess I grudgingly see why he might not want to fork out. I mean, it’s part of why we don’t have separate finance, but you do, so…

Online shopping for your stuff, it is then.

Seems to be the only solution.

1forAll74 · 14/07/2021 03:18

Its all a bit silly.My late husband never ever went into a supermarket,or pushed a trolly around. at all.. It was my job, and I preferred it that way..

BritWifeInUSA · 14/07/2021 05:05

@Lifeisaminestrone

Mmm, it is bizarre. I moaned at him tonight and made him go to the local store as was hungry!

I was going to put a stop to his shopping each Saturday and say I’m going to do it online now as obviously not working!

He’s an intelligent person but not very ‘with it’ most of the time. I can’t work out if it is that, or if it is more deliberate. I’m hoping the former.

I’m confused. You said he was forgetting snacks and lunch box fillings. Now you say you sent him out in the evening to buy things because you were hungry. So there was nothing to eat in the house? You had no meal that evening? Or you sent him out for snacks because you wanted snacks?

I can understand him thinking snacks are a waste of money and offer no nutritional value. But sandwich fillings. I can’t imagine what he has against sandwich fillings. Unless, for example, you are asking him to buy ready-mixed tuna and mayonnaise when you already have cans of tuna and a jar of mayonnaise in the house but you are too lazy to make your own mix? Is that what’s happening?

FlowerFlirtyFairFlax · 14/07/2021 05:32

Do an online shop yourself, let him continue his weekly shop, he likes doing it, don’t try and stop him, I assume he goes without you, that may be significant.

He sounds odd, and uncaring.
So make sure you have the food you’d like, delivered.
That would be my first step.

It sounds like he is purposefully excluding you and your needs.
Address that secondly.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 14/07/2021 05:39

Instead of asking him to 'add something to the list, hand him a physical list of what you want.

If he still forgets, you know it's intentional.

Unless there's a backstory of him doing more than his fair share of household chores and growing resentment, it is rather unkind behaviour.